Chapter 23
Circus
He hasn’t let me go. Not even to clean up the mess he left behind.
And I’m not complaining.
But I am wondering what’s going through his head.
So far he’s just hugged me tight, all wrapped around my body as he presses soft kisses to my shoulder or my collarbone or my neck.
I let my fingers trail down his back, trying to enjoy the moment and not worry about what happens when the panic kicks in.
“Your thoughts are loud,” he grumbles, then hooks his leg over my waist and rolls on top of me. “What’s going on?”
I don’t know whether to say, but he’s way ahead of me.
“You’re waiting for me to freak out.”
“Obviously.”
He brushes my hair back from my forehead. “That was …” His brown eyebrows bunch together and relax just as quickly. “I didn’t have time to think. It was more instinctual than anything, like I wasn’t fully in control, so my brain didn’t get a chance to second-guess anything.”
“And now?”
He drops his head onto my shoulder. “It’s hard. Like I’m fighting with myself. But every time I start to have doubts and worry, I remind myself that nothing’s ever felt like that. Ever. I’ve …” Rowan hesitates.
“Keep going.”
His exhale comes out in a rush. “I’ve had sex with women before. I didn’t enjoy it. And afterward, I hated myself for it. So much that a couple of times I thought it might just be better to end it.”
“Jesus …”
“I’m okay,” he rushes to add, and at least his smile seems genuine. “I just hated myself so much. I hated that I couldn’t be like other men. When I first booked in with my psychologist, it was because I was hoping she could help me find a way to suppress it. To find women more attractive.”
It doesn’t work like that. And if anyone suggested it, I’d laugh in their faces. But Rowan was clearly hurting, and I can’t imagine how desperate he would have to have been in order to try and force himself to be with people he wasn’t into.
“She helped me through most of my issues, except the regret I felt about you. And now being here with you and letting myself finally start to experience what I’ve held back for so long feels inherently wrong. Like the ground has suddenly disappeared and I’m scrambling for something to hold on to.”
My gut twists.
“But I don’t want to be that way. And every time we’re together, every time I push myself, it gets that little bit easier. So if I’m quiet or withdrawn after sex, I swear it’s nothing to do with you.”
“Thank you.” I run my fingers down Rowan’s face, and he ducks his head to kiss me.
It’s lazy and sweet and all I need right now. He pulls away and settles on my chest, tattooed arms snaking around me.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do about my family.”
“Do you think …” I hold my breath. “Do you think you’ll ever tell them?”
“Honestly … I can’t see me having the balls to do it. Which is a cop-out, I know. And I’m sure it’s probably the last thing you want to hear right now.”
I card my fingers through his hair and hold him tighter. “Don’t worry about what I want. If you can’t tell them, that’s your choice, and only your choice.”
“But I want to.” Frustration seeps into his voice. “It’s bullshit I can’t say two little words.”
I want to push him. Or tell him to stop being a wimp. “I know what it’s like to lose my family,” I tell him. “And if you have a chance to hold on to yours, I’d never hold that against you.”
“I have been thinking though …”
“About?”
“Well, what if I didn’t have to tell them?”
“And be closeted for the rest of your life?”
“Sort of.” His pause stretches out between us, but I can tell there’s more.
“I need a little more distance from my family. I was talking to Leon about how Sunbury needs a gym and thought that would be an awesome thing for me to pursue. I could run classes and train people who wanted it … and Sunbury isn’t a huge town, so I know it’s not something that would rake in the profits, but as long as I could take a wage, I’d be fine.
And I’d be doing something I love instead of working at Harvey’s. ”
His voice has increased, strengthened, and it makes me happy to hear him excited about this. “What does that have to do with your family?”
“With my own income, I could get my own place, and then I wouldn’t be reliant on them at all. It means I’d be able to take my own risks. Hang out with who I want to hang out with.” He shifts and meets my eyes. “Maybe find myself a male roommate one day.”
It kills me to have to break his enthusiasm. “That plan sounds perfect, except for one part.”
“Which is?”
“Asking someone you love to pretend to be your roommate isn’t fair. It’d be like forcing them back into the closet.”
He’s quick to shake his head. “We wouldn’t be closeted to our friends or the people who know us.”
“Oh really? So you’d hold his hand walking down O’Connell Road? You’d get married and not invite your parents? And what if he wants children one day? What? You and your roommate just adopted some kids together?”
His forehead creases.
“I’m sorry.” And I am. The last thing I want to do is give him a dose of reality when he’s actually starting to think of a future for himself.
“But I know what it’s like to sit at a table and eat dinner with your family and to just be there as your ‘friend.’ Rowan, it sucks.
And that was in high school when nothing had even happened except for the flirting and all those near kisses.
That was all childish stuff and now …” I cover my face with my hand. “It would kill me now.”
I feel Rowan push up onto his forearms, and I’m acutely aware of him looking down at me. “W-why is it different now?”
“Huh?”
“Why would it kill you now? What’s changed?”
I think I’m falling in love with you. Which I certainly cannot fucking say to his face. I shouldn’t even be thinking that when his solution for living as a gay man is having a roommate. That one hundred percent isn’t something I will do. “We’ve had sex. That always changes the dynamic.”
I know it’s not the answer he wanted. And if I’d asked him that same question, I’m almost certain he would have said what I was thinking.
These feelings have gone further than either of us ever intended them to, and when I’d been imagining an explosion, I’d thought it would be our relationship that blew up. Not my heart.
“Fair enough.” He settles beside me and rolls my body so I’m facing him. “Well, I’ve just spilled my guts about my problem. What are you going to do about yours?”
“What problem?”
Rowan gives me a soft look. “Anyone would be as upset about losing their parents. I can’t even imagine.
But the money thing. Building a big house for, and I quote, ‘a whole bunch of kids.’ Wanting a family but not wanting to put yourself out there.
I mean, fuck. You’re here with me. Someone who’ll probably be closeted until he’s an old man.
You should be finding someone you can settle down with. ”
I don’t know why, after everything he just said, that’s the most painful part. Suggesting I leave what we have—which admittedly, isn’t much—and find someone else makes me want to hit something.
“Plus the social media,” he continues.
“What about it?”
He pins me with a serious look. “I’ve been following your account for years.
You think I haven’t noticed the way certain photos suddenly disappear?
And since I’ve been back, you’re constantly checking your phone, and talking about interactions, and assessing the shots we put up and how they’ll be received. ”
“It’s called business.”
“You’re lonely.”
I go to sit up, planning to, I don’t know … shower, throw myself off a ledge? Anything to get out of this conversation.
“No, you don’t,” Rowan says, hooking his arm around my waist and pinning me against the bed. “I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be a terrible thing for you to see someone.”
I glare at him. “When you have no one, you tell me how open you’d be to talking to someone about that.
To admitting that the two people in the world who actually love you are gone, and now you’re just sitting back, watching your friends find their partners and live their lives and spend their holidays with their families. ”
He laughs a little. “Circus, you live your life more than anyone I know. You’re creative and talented.
You go out and experience the world. And you have friends who love you.
So what, you haven’t found your forever person yet.
You would have to be the easiest person to love because you accept people for who they are.
You understand them.” Rowan cups my face and steers it so he can meet my eyes.
“And until you find that person, I’m going to spend all my holidays with you.
Every one of them. We’ll visit my nephews and spoil them with presents on Christmas.
We’ll have your friends over for Easter, and I’ll bake a whole vat load of chocolate brownies, and we’ll feed everyone until their stomachs burst. Thanksgiving we’ll spend just the two of us.
And we’ll have a turkey and be quiet and think about the people who should be there with us.
” His eyes turn soft, and I’m sure he’s about to cry.
“And on Mother’s and Father’s Day … we’ll go visit them.
Together. I’ll hold you while you cry and, Jesus, I’ll probably cry too. ”
I swallow around the lump forming in my throat as my eyes start to prickle. “What about your family?”
“I’ll see them the days in between. But holidays, those are yours now.”
I laugh because if I don’t, I’ll cry. “And if they think there’s something going on with us?”
The first bit of uncertainty seeps into his expression. Then he smiles. “I’ll tell them you’re my roommate.” Rowan starts to tickle me, and I snort while I bat him away.
“Fine. Deal. Your holidays are all mine.”
He kisses me softly. “Looking forward to it.”