Chapter 10
Cam
Rafe staying with me is a dream come true, in theory.
In reality, it’s a lot of avoiding eye contact and stilted small talk.
If I thought one conversation with him was going to fix years of us growing apart, I was wrong. Things are more awkward than ever.
After the first few days of drinking coffee together in the kitchen, him pretending to be engrossed in his phone, I decide to start taking runs in the morning.
Usually, by the time I’m done, he’s dressed and heading out for work, which means that my shower is already thick with the smell of his bodywash.
I have no idea how much longer he’s planning on staying with me, but there’s a part of me that wishes I’d let him go to Tanner’s.
The other part of me is bound and gagged to prevent it from doing something stupid.
Somehow we make it through the week, where Rafe still parks at home every day before coming here, keeping up the pretense nothing has changed.
But then Saturday, after Rafe has finished his house showings, there’s nothing but a long afternoon ahead of us.
He walks into the living room, fresh from his post-work shower and looking like a hug in his hoodie and sweatpants. His usually perfect hair is disheveled, and it does something to me to get to see this side of him. He’s almost relaxed.
“Got any plans for the rest of the day?” I ask.
“If it’s okay, I was hoping to veg out. Watch a movie, maybe.”
“Yeah, go for it.” I’m about to jump up from my spot on the couch when Rafe holds up a hand to stop me.
“You can stay. If you don’t have plans …”
My lips twitch, but I can’t stop my smile. “Well, I am in demand from basically everyone, but I suppose I can spare some time for you.”
“How generous of you.”
“So what are we watching?”
He drops onto the cushion next to mine, and I hate that he can’t do something as simple as that without my breath catching. Someone needs to turn the hose on me.
“Dunno. There has to be a series or something that looks interesting.”
“You want to start a series with me, Rafe? Wow. That sounds like a big commitment, and I’m not sure our relationship is ready.”
He blinks at me.
I grin. “Kidding. Obviously. Carry on.”
He’s quiet as he scrolls through the options, and I notice him glance at me from the corner of his eye a couple of times.
“What?”
He jumps at being caught. “Just thinking.”
“About?”
“Whether your mouth has always been so out of control.”
“There’s a lot about my mouth you don’t know.”
Rafe shakes his head. “I walked into that one, didn’t I?”
“Less walked and more steamrolled, but yep.” I adjust my baseball cap, then point at the screen. “You’re still as indecisive as ever.”
He huffs and tosses me the remote. “You choose.”
“Fine.” I hit Play on some sci-fi show he’d hesitated over.
We get through most of the first episode before he speaks again.
“Is this weird?”
I know he’s talking about us. Being here. The space between us. So many things are rolled into that one question that I hesitate on how to answer at first.
“Oh yeah.” Might as well agree. “I think we’ve well and truly passed that line.”
“At least it’s not just me.”
“Why do you think it’s so weird? We spent most of our lives together, but for some reason, the last few years are the ones that seem to count.”
He frowns. “I don’t think that’s it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I think they only count because the ones before them counted more. Maybe. Does that even make sense?”
“I think so.”
“Like …” He tugs at his hoodie sleeve, looking unsure. “Even though this feels weird, I’m still glad I’m here.”
That smooth motherfucker. This is a serious conversation. I shouldn’t be smiling. I shouldn’t. “Me too.”
“Which makes it weirder.” He lets out a frustrated sound. “Shouldn’t I be making excuses to bail instead of wishing things could go back to how they were?”
Every word he’s saying lightens some of that pressure on my heart. Maybe we’re not doomed. Maybe our friendship really can be given a jump start.
“I wonder if your need to be here is the same as mine.”
He looks up at me, pinning me with those dark eyes that I can’t stop dreaming about. “Which is?”
“I missed you.”
The confusion on Rafe’s face clears, and I swear some of the weight that keeps him down most of the time lessens. “Really?”
“You were my whole world for so long. Before girlfriends and boyfriends, before we fell into the trap of needing to start our lives, you were mine. Thick as thieves, ride or die, whatever you want to call it. We built so much history together it’s like its own language.”
“I like that. There are things that only we could ever understand.”
“Exactly.” It feels so good to finally get these words out, to finally break past that barrier of otherness between us, and acknowledge what we used to have. “Do you miss it too?”
His mouth parts, and after a moment of watching me, he nods. “I really do.”
“Let’s do something about it, then.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if we want to be friends … let’s do it.”
“I don’t think it’s that simple.”
I laugh, because I know it’s not that simple. I’ve been trying for a fucking year. “I guess we’ll see.”
And where the afternoon originally felt like it was going to stretch forever, it passes too quickly. The tension between us melts with every joke and comment, and when we eventually cave and order a pizza, we sit close enough to share the box.
Things haven’t magically reverted back to what they were, but there’s a quiet sort of happiness humming through my veins.
It gives me a glimmer of hope. Hope for what exactly, who knows?
But he’s here and I’m here, and for now, it’s enough.