5. Marley
5
MARLEY
B eau has been clinging to me all evening, and I don’t exactly know why. He’s weirdly chipper compared to his normal grumpy attitude. The rest of the bridal party made their way up to the shared suite about fifteen minutes ago, but I wanted to stay back and make sure things got cleaned up and ready for the reception tomorrow.
Beau hung back, watching me move and direct the staff, offering his assistance now and then. Now that things are settled and ready for tomorrow though, I have nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape his haunted gaze.
“I’m going to head up to the room,” I say awkwardly, jerking my thumb over my shoulder to the elevator.
“I’ll walk you up. I’m on the same floor.”
Of course he is.
I wordlessly nod, turning to head toward the elevator. My heels click on the wood floors, my emerald green dress swishing at my ankles. I press the button, and the elevator arrives at the main floor with a ding . Beau extends his arm, gesturing for me to go first. I step across the threshold and head to the far corner of the small space, though I doubt it will deter him. Beau seems hell-bent on being within five inches of me at all times this evening. I’d be annoyed, but he’s always been like this. Always wants to be close to me, to make sure I’m okay.
Sure enough, he steps in, turning to hit the button for the third floor and watching the doors slide shut. Once the elevator dings, moving upward, Beau steps back, standing as close to me as possible without physically touching me, though I can feel his body heat on my arms. Goosebumps flare down my arms, my body betraying me.
I take a deep breath, trying to ignore the scent of his cologne. Beau clears his throat. The air is thick with words unsaid. Anxiety churns in my throat, and I need to get out of here.
“Crazy that tomorrow’s the big day,” Beau says, his voice gravely and low. I glance up at him, watching as he pulls a ponytail off his wrist, pulling his long curls into a half pony on the back of his head. I’ve never found long hair, or man buns, for that matter, particularly attractive on men. But on Beau? It’s divine, the perfect look for him, somehow making him even more attractive than he already is.
I drop my gaze when he catches me staring, clutching my right forearm where my newest tattoo is—a butterfly with one perfect wing and the other illustrating a transition into flowers, then fading to dust. I got it shortly before Andrew and Josie got engaged, one of the only tattoos I’ve ever gotten without consulting Beau.
The elevator shudders as we reach the third floor, dinging our arrival. I realize that I never responded to his statement.
“Hard to believe it,” I reply. I step forward when the doors open, looking to my right for the bridal suite. I hear the sound of a popular song and giddy laughter down the empty hall, and point down the hall toward it. “Sounds like they’re having a good time.”
Beau chuckles. “Don’t let my mom get too tipsy. You know how she is.”
I laugh. “Pretty sure she’s already tipsy. Tipsy Nikki is my favorite, so I won’t be the one to stop her. She can’t wait for one of her boys to get married.”
He groans, his dark eyes crinkling at the corner.
“My bet is on Thomas being next,” I say, instantly regretting it. Beau narrows his eyes, his jaw clenching. For some reason, I continue to poke the bear. “Though, you’ve been dating your secret girl for a while, so who knows, maybe you’re ready to pop the question, and you haven’t even introduced us to her.” Bitterness laces my tone.
We used to tell each other everything. I don’t understand why things changed. Why we are so tense with each other, when before, he was the person I relied on for everything. The person I called when I was at the lowest of lows.
Beau tenses, shoving a hand into his pocket. He slowly nods as if agreeing with me, and my heart splinters just a bit more. “You’re right, I haven’t introduced you to her.”
I don’t speak. Not that I’d even know what to say right now.
Beau doesn’t stop though, barely giving me time to process. “I haven’t introduced her to anyone, because I don’t have a girlfriend. I haven’t, not since April.”
I blink, not saying a word as I process what he’s telling me. He’s kept this information from everyone, his family, his friends, me ? All for six months?
He steps closer to me, resting his warm hand at the small of my back. My brain is screaming at my body to react, but I’m frozen in time, standing in the hotel hallway. Pulling me in close, my hands fly up, resting against the warmth of his chest. Through his dress shirt, I can feel his heart pounding, but I don’t look up. If I look at his face, into those brown eyes, it will be my ruin. I will never be able to return to the way we were before this moment if I cave into the things I want to say. The things I want to do.
Words finally tumble out of my mouth. “Well, now I feel like a fool. Am I the only one who didn’t know you broke up?” Rationally, I know that’s not true, as Josie was just talking about it earlier, and yet that’s what my mouth says anyway. He shakes his head.
I step out of his arms, needing a clear head. “Why did you lie?”
Beau shrugs, eyes cast to the floor where he kicks an invisible rock. “I just… I don’t know, Mar. I did. It’s not like I planned on lying to everyone… to you.”
He steps closer to me, reaching out for my hand. I let him take it, trying to ignore that zing of electricity that happens every time he touches me. Just because he’s single… it shouldn’t change anything, but the way my heart is pounding, and my brain is fantasizing about us, something tells me that it is changing.
I look down at the floor at our feet, my satin dress wrinkled at the bottom after hours of wear. “Marley,” Beau whispers. His voice is thick, strained, pleading. I shake my head. I can’t give into this. If I give into this, he’s going to regret it, and hate me forever.
God, I want him so bad, I need him, but I’m so fucking scared of losing him.
I can’t lose the person who has been with me since day one. The person who fought Joey Swenson in grade school when he compared me to a cow. The one that held me in my college apartment when I had lost the will to fight, the will to live. I can’t lose the person who has helped me survive.
Beau drops my hand, resting his warm hand on my waist. His fingers tug at my chin. I shake out of his grasp, trying to step away. “Look at me,” Beau murmurs.
“No,” I whisper. “I can’t.”
“Why can’t you look at me?”
I take in a shaky breath, my lip trembling. “Because if I do, I don’t know what will happen.”
He exhales sharply, his fingers again trying to tilt my chin to his gaze. This time, I let him. His brown eyes swirl with emotion, pain, love and so much heat. Those little flecks of gold in his eyes that I love so much are practically burning a hole in my chest.
His thumb slides over my trembling bottom lip, leaving me aching. It’s so irritating that he has this effect on me after all this time. His eyes flare with a look that I recognize as the one from all those years ago at the river landing when he kissed me.
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to wake up from this dream. Did I drink too much at dinner tonight? Because this can’t possibly be real. Beau can’t possibly be telling me he’s been single for months, and looking like he wants to kiss me. It’s just not realistic. He doesn’t want to kiss me. The mess of a girl, hiding behind a confident fa?ade. I’ve seen and met some of his girlfriends in the past, and I’m nothing like them. They’re all blonde, thin, with no personality.
Beau rests his forehead on mine, and it feels so right. The world around me stands still until it’s just us two, no fear of losing him, no fear of a broken heart. His nose brushes mine, and that one moment before lips meet, has me crashing back to earth. To the reality of this.
I gasp, stepping away from him, from the almost kiss. Beau’s hands drop to his sides, shoulders hanging low. I’m breathing heavily as if I just finished a marathon. My eyes prick with tears and I pray they won’t fall.
“This can’t happen, Marley,” he says through gritted teeth.
Throat tightening, I say, “If it can’t happen, then why are you the one that started it?” I shake my head, ignoring the tears burning my eyes, forcing them back. “Goodnight, Beau.”
I turn, rushing down the hall to the bridal suite, trying to shake off the rollercoaster of emotions from the last five minutes. I can’t even begin to process it, and I need to get it together. This weekend is not about me and my bullshit. It’s about Josie and Andrew.
I suck in another breath, risking one last look at Beau, standing in the same spot at the opposite end of the hall. His fingers are running through his hair, his eyes glassy, face flushed. He steps forward when he sees me looking, but I shake my head, opening the door to the suite with the key Josie gave me.
I shut the door behind me quickly as if running from a ghost. All eyes are on me as I try to control my emotions. Josie’s brow furrows, her eyes widening after I stand still for a long moment. Dammit, she can see right through the fa?ade I’m trying to put on. Everyone is dressed in matching pajama sets, glasses of wine in their hands. Nikki Cunningham, Andrew and Beau’s mom, slowly rises from her spot on the plush couch.
My mother eyes me from her corner of the room, where she’s laying cucumbers over Lennie’s eyes. Lennie’s thick brown hair is swept back with a bow headband, and she has a goopy face mask on.
“Gotta pee!” I shriek, darting right into the bathroom and slamming the door. With the door closed, I glance at myself in the mirror. My eyes are wild, cheeks flushed red, hair falling out of my ponytail as if I just had a weekend long fuck fest. I spot a set of satin pajamas hanging on the hanger behind the door, my name written on the tag. The color matches my dress for tomorrow, a marigold yellow that Josie says perfectly accentuates my skin tone. Thankfully, my makeup remover is still in here from earlier when we got ready. I wash my face, taking my time, giving myself a long minute to calm down.
I’ve just changed into my pajama set when there's a soft knock on the bathroom door. “Marley? Can I come in?”
I shouldn’t be surprised that Nikki is the one to come to my aid, and even though I love her with my whole heart, she is the last person I want to talk to right now. She’s the one who raised the man of my dreams and has been a second mom to me since I was a kid, the person I would run to when I needed someone to talk to about things I was too embarrassed to discuss with my own mother.
Flinging open the door, I’m met with her kind eyes. “Sorry, I just figured I would change while I was in there,” I say, gesturing behind me. My dress is in a rumpled pile on the counter, waiting for me to put it on the hanger.
Nikki nods, her blue eyes taking in my appearance. “Are you okay, sweetie?”
“I’m just fine, I drank too much, so I’m feeling a little flustered!” Even I can hear the lie in my voice.
Thankfully, she drops it. “Josie wants to go over her plans for tomorrow, if you’re okay with that?”
“Oh, yes! Let me hang my dress, and I’ll be right out.”
Nikki reaches out, squeezing my hand softly, then turns to head into the room. I take a deep breath and turn to grab my dress and hang it. I take a final glance into the mirror and decide I’m as good as I’m going to get.
The small group of women are scattered around the room. Nikki and Josie sit on the couch with Josie’s older sister, Jess, in the middle. She’s around eight months pregnant, and looks utterly miserable. She’s spent most of the day trying to hide her discomfort, but I’ve seen it.
Josie and Jess have grown much closer in the last year once Jess moved back to Minnesota. She and her husband were in Missouri for a long time while he was stationed at a military base. She told me once she had no ill will toward her, but they just weren't close. I’m happy that has changed. I always wanted a sister.
It makes me wish that someday Jason will find someone so Lennie doesn’t grow up without siblings. At the very least, maybe Josie and Andrew will pop out kids sooner or later so she has cousins to play with.
I’m not especially close with my older brothers. Kenny works as a PA in the ER a few towns over, and Prescott lives his own life. I don’t see either of them often, and sometimes I wish we were closer, but that’s just the way it is for us.
Megan, Isaac’s wife and now Josie’s close friend, sits on one of the queen-sized beds. She pats the empty spot next to her, and I nearly launch myself at her. I’ve always been close with Megan, but having Josie has helped us grow our relationship even further. She’s a few years younger than me, the same age as Andrew and Isaac, but we all grew up together.
Megan pulls me into her side, and Josie gives me a little side glance. Her eyes say the words she can’t. You okay?
Even though I’m dying to talk to her about this on the inside, I will not take her attention away from her wedding weekend. I refuse to. I nod at her, hoping she buys the lie.
Josie’s mom, Lori, stands from the other bed, heading to the small desk covered in empty paper cups and bottles of wine. She fills a cup and hands it to me. Her smile is kind. I swear, moms have a sixth sense about things because she reaches down, clasps my forearm, and gives it a gentle squeeze.
I smile softly up at her, and turn my focus to my friend. Josie clasps her hands in front of her as she sits cross-legged on the couch. Her red hair is neatly pulled back into a loose pony, her face glowing from the moisturizing products used on her skin.
“The next twenty-four hours are going to be pretty crazy, so I wanted to touch base and see how everyone is doing,” she says. Her blue eyes scan the room, stopping as she glances at each of us to assess.
Jess lifts her hand off her pregnant belly, wincing as she tries to scoot herself to a better position. “I have a question.”
“What’s up?” Josie asks.
“What if I have to pee in the middle of the ceremony?” she asks. Her brows are furrowed, and her face so serious, that I can’t help but snicker slightly.
Josie’s stunned silent for a moment at the unexpected question. “Uhh,” she starts.
“I know where da bathroom is, Miss Jess,” Lennie says, rising from her relaxed position in a loveseat.
“Thank you so much, Lennie,” Jess coos, a smile quirking on her full lips. “I’ll let you know if I need help getting there. How does that sound sweetie?”
“Okay,” Lennie replies. She’s grown so much in her speech in the last year that I can hardly believe she’s the same little girl who called me Auntie Mawey for the longest time.
Jess turns her focus back to her sister. “I am serious though. It’s… been an issue lately. This,” she points to her round belly, “has been causing lots of bathroom misery.”
“I think we can attest to that,” my mom chuckles. “At the end of my pregnancy with Marley, if I had to go to the bathroom, I had to go now . No waiting.”
“She’s right,” Lori replies with a chuckle. Nikki laughs in agreement.
Josie smiles. “If it comes to that, you can just sneak out the side and to the bathroom. I don’t care. A girl’s gotta do what a girls gotta do.”
“Oh thank goodness.” Jess heaves a sigh, her hand rubbing her belly fondly.
I eye her stomach with a hint of… jealousy? I definitely don’t envy this stage of pregnancy, but I’ve always wanted kids. I also thought I’d already have them by my age, but life has had other plans.
Doing newborn sessions in my studio for the last year has been so fun, and has definitely given me a hint of baby fever.
Okay, a lot of baby fever.
Maybe Josie and Andrew will have kids someday, then at least I can love on them, since who knows when I’ll have one of my own. Or maybe Megan will have one soon.
The sadness creeps in, the same kind that I always have when I think about this. I want to find someone, to have a family of my own. Watching my friends slowly get that for themselves hurts, despite how much I love it for them.
Soon enough, I’m sure I will have plenty of babies to love up, and they say the best part of being an aunt is you can give the baby back at the end of the day, and get your full eight hours of sleep. So, hey, that’s a perk. Right?