Chapter Forty-Eight
Sophia
I had never been more disappointed to be home in my life.
Oahu was my favorite place in the world and my family meant everything to me but it had been two weeks since I’d left Boston and I could still barely drag myself out of bed.
It was Sunday, which meant everyone would be coming to Dad and Kennedy’s for Sunday-night dinner and there was usually nothing I loved more than having dinner together and sitting by a fire afterward or going night swimming with Elena while the boys pushed their bedtime later and later to join us.
My family had been relentless over the last week in trying to get me up and moving.
Uncle Eric showed up bright and early, pulling me out of bed and barking orders at me like a drill sergeant.
I was grateful that he got me going each day, never trying to talk to me about my situation, because the exercise helped with some of the depression.
I’d even agreed to surf once with him and Dad.
Kennedy asked for extra help at the café and at first I thought it was because she was looking for an excuse to get me out of the house, but when I really thought about it, I realized that she’d seemed tired over the last two weeks.
She seemed to be resting a lot, and when the boys hounded her, Dad was quick to jump in and encourage them to let her be.
It made me wonder if something was going on that I didn’t know about.
They probably thought I was too fragile to know.
They aren’t wrong. Tell me Kennedy’s sick and I’ll probably sink into a depression so deep my therapist mother won’t be able to save me.
I’d been writing endlessly about Leo and me, something Mom encouraged as a way to work through my grief.
She came over every day to check on me and had been extremely clear that she would support me no matter what I chose to do or where I chose to live.
I just glared at her when she said it, but she told me that she wanted to make sure I knew in case I ever changed my mind.
Elena lay on her stomach on my bed in the pool house with my laptop in front of her. She’d been in that position for hours, pouring over what I’d written. It had dawned on me yesterday that without meaning to, I’d written a second book—almost.
Elena looked up at me as I paced the pool house in my bathing suit. I’d sat by the pool while she read the majority of the draft until I was too impatient for her to finish.
“What do you think?” I asked.
“Soph, this is really good,” she said. “Like, as good as Danny’s books. And way less gross since reading about your sex life is far less disturbing than reading about Mom’s. You should send this to your agent.”
“I can’t.” I shook my head. “It’s too real. I just needed to write it down for me.”
“Then why have me read it?”
“I don’t know,” I said, realizing she was right. I did want to send this to Maggie.
“Sophia, if this is all true, you need to call Leo,” Elena said, sitting herself up.
“I can’t call him. What the hell would I say? I never should have gotten on that plane and I’ll follow you anywhere if you’ll still have me. Turns out I’m not sacrificing anything to be with you because I love you more than my home?”
Elena raised an eyebrow and ran her hand over her dark, purple-streaked ponytail. “That sounds like a reasonable start. Maybe add, I shouldn’t have had to leave to figure that out and I’m sorry.”
I scoffed. “He didn’t ask me to stay, Elena.”
“Because he promised he wouldn’t, not because he didn’t want you to. He thinks he’s putting you first.” She stood up and hugged me. “I love you, Sophia. I would never try to send my big sister and best friend to the other side of the world if I didn’t believe it was what’s best for you.”
A knock sounded at the pool house door, and I let go of Elena and turned to face it. “Come in.”
The door opened and Connor stood in the doorway. His blonde hair, and relaxed, surfer vibe looked way too casual for my current emotional state. “Hey, Soph,” he said.
He’d been texting me since I’d gotten home and I’d only politely returned his messages. I knew he wanted to get together to start things up again and that wasn’t a possibility for me. I just wasn’t going to tell him that over a text message.
“Hi, Connor,” I said.
“I thought I’d stop by and see if you wanted to grab coffee,” he said.
Elena groaned. “Can’t you take a hint? Sophia’s busy, we have plans today.”
Connor smiled at her. “Always nice to see you, Elena.”
Elena rolled her eyes. “Get fucked, Connor. We tolerated each other on a good day. You can go now.”
Connor looked at me.
“Elena’s right. We do have plans,” I said.
“Okay, maybe another time?” he asked, looking hopeful.
“Sure,” I said at the same time Elena said, “No.”
She shot me a look. “Sophia, just put him out of his misery. You’re never going to get back together with him.”
“Really?” I hissed. I looked at Connor. “I’m sorry, she’s in a mood.”
“Is she right?” he asked, looking defeated.
I nodded and gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry. I don’t think we’re right for each other and I think starting something again would be waste of our time. I know what I’m looking for and it’s not what we had.”
He put his hands in his pockets and flipped his hair off his forehead with a shake of his head. “I get it, Sophia. I hope you find what you’re looking for. You deserve it.”
I already found it.
“Thanks, so do you,” I said as he turned to leave.
I turned on my sister once the door was shut. “You could have been nicer about it.”
“And you could have been direct. This way he can move on.” She took my hand. “Let’s go back to the pool. I’m going to order us a pizza for lunch and you’re going to send this book to Maggie.”
When did my little sister become better at managing my life than me?
“Hey, kid. I made you a margarita.” Kennedy stood next to the fire that Dad had just started. Everyone was inside cleaning up from dinner, and while I’d normally contribute, apparently being brokenhearted got you a pass because I’d come out here and no one had stopped me.
I smiled at her, noticing the swell of her stomach.
She and Dad had told us before dinner that she was twenty weeks pregnant.
It explained the tiredness and extra doting I’d seen recently, though Dad had always been prone to doting on Kennedy.
Despite several miscarriages, spending years trying to get pregnant, and two failed rounds of IVF before their third attempt with the twins was successful, somehow Dad and Kennedy had gotten pregnant the old-fashioned way and she was expected to make it full-term.
I’d been thinking about what Elena had said earlier about leaving home, but if I did that now, I’d miss out on a baby sister—Izzy. And still, my desire to go back to Leo was all-consuming.
“What are you drinking?” I asked with a small smile.
Kennedy sat down on the couch next to me and shrugged. “Water. Your father and Eric are making me drink seven-hundred gallons a day.”
I laughed and took the margarita from her. “Well, thanks.”
I took a slow sip.
“Sophia, can we talk? Like really talk? Not the kind where I treat you gently and let you work through this on your own?” she asked, looking tired and serious.
“Sure,” I said.
It might be nice if one of them laid into me for once.
She took my hand and held it in her lap. “I think you made the biggest mistake of your life, Sophia.”
I snorted as my eyes filled with tears. “Gee, thanks. Don’t sugarcoat that or anything.”
I sniffled and she squeezed my hand.
“You already know you did,” she said gently before taking a deep breath.
“When I was your age, I made the biggest mistake of my life. Honestly, more than one of them. So did your mom and your dad. And yes, we were all dealing with some heavy shit at the time. At twenty-two, you look like an adult and the world expects you to have it all figured out, but the truth is, you’re old enough to fall in love but young enough to still make misguided decisions.
” She paused to take another breath. Her voice cracked slightly.
“No one in this family knows better than me about the mistake of getting on a plane and never looking back—of not staying and fighting through my own fears for the man I loved.”
Tears spilled down my cheeks as I heard the pain in her words.
It had been more than twenty years since she’d left my dad and the time they’d spent apart still ate at her in a way I was just beginning to understand.
Everyone in her life had forgiven her for her past mistakes, but despite how much she tried, she’d never really forgiven herself for the time she’d lost with Dad.
I’d been without Leo for two weeks and it was killing me. She’d left my dad for three years.
She continued, “I didn’t listen to Kat and Eric when they tried to tell me how much I fucked up back then. I shut everyone out and I spent years alone and in pain. So, I really need you to listen to me right now when I tell you that you’re fucking up, Sophia.”
I nodded, more tears falling. She swiped them away with her fingers.
“Tell me how you feel about Leo,” she said. “In your own words.”
“You know how I feel about him,” I said, my voice shaking. “I love him more than anything.”
“Are you willing to travel around the world for his hockey career if that’s what he needs? Are you willing to watch fifty games a year? Are you willing to build your life around his schedule? Are you willing to see less of us in order to be with him every day?”
“Yes,” I said, taking a gulp of air. “And it’s closer to ninety games.”
“Ninety?” she yelled, clearly shocked. “Well shit, that’s a lot more than I thought.”
“My answer is still yes,” I said, smiling slightly.
“Then what are you still doing here?” Kennedy asked softly. She took the margarita from me and set it on the ground, sliding closer to wrap her arms around my shoulders.
“I’m afraid,” I said, crying on her shoulder. “I’m afraid if I leave home and all of you to be with him that he’ll be right and I’ll resent him someday. Look how much you missed home when you were in LA.”
She squeezed me tighter. “Sophia, you’ve got it all wrong if you think I came back to this island because of anyone or anything other than your father.
I missed the island. I missed Kat and Eric.
But I couldn’t live without Danny anymore.
He’s my home, Sophia. And if Leo is your home too, then you’ll never resent him for choosing to be where he is. ”
My shoulders shook as I sobbed. “I really fucked up, Kennedy,” I said.
She pulled back to look at me and gripped my shoulders.
“It’s never too late to go home. Don’t wait years to fix this.
I was too ashamed that I left your father to come back and face him and every single day, the pain got worse, not better.
If Leo is the one for you, you won’t feel better with time.
At best, you’ll become numb. Believe me, that is no way to live when you could have real, crushing, soul-deep love instead. ”
“What about all of you? What about Izzy?”
“We’ll always be here, Soph. Always. And we will miss you. But not a single one of us wants you to give up the love we’ve found just to have you around more often. You need to go to Boston, and they’re all just too chickenshit to be the ones to tell you that.”
She looked over my shoulder and I turned around to see everyone hovering nearby.
Mom and Elena were crying, Dave and Dad looked sad and empathetic.
Uncle Eric held Aunt Kat and nodded at me when he saw me, while she offered me a sad smile.
Even the twins stood there, watching me with a curious expression.
“I’m sorry,” I said to them. “But she’s right.”
“We know, honey,” Mom said, stepping forward to hug me. They all swarmed for hugs and reassurances.
“If you really miss us, you can just get on that fancy private jet of his and come visit,” Kennedy said, earning sad laughs from everyone.
I hugged each of them before we settled around the fire, the boys staying up far past their bedtime, cuddled in with Elena and me on one couch while each of the couples took another couch.
I looked around the fire at my family as we laughed and told stories, and as much as it broke my heart to leave them here, I knew where I belonged.
Tomorrow I’d get back on a plane and go home.