Chapter Forty-Seven
Sophia
Right foot.
Left foot.
Right foot.
Left foot.
I’d get off this plane the same way I got on: focused on my feet, never looking back, never thinking about if Leo would follow me or what his face would look like as I walked away.
I moved straight to the arrival gate where my parents would be waiting.
I’d made this trip home so many times now that I knew this airport like the back of my hand.
There was no reason to look up to meander through the advertisements meant for the tourists or the shops boasting about authentic Hawaiian macadamia nuts.
All I needed to do was keep my head down until I got in my mom’s car.
I walked past baggage claim with my single carry-on—I’d shipped my stuff home earlier in the week—and stepped into the warm, Hawaiian air, breathing in the smell of hibiscus and feeling that familiar sense of calm wash over me.
I looked around and saw Mom and Dad standing at his car, looking excited to see me.
The minute I saw them some subconscious part of me must have realized it was safe to let go, to stop pushing aside all the tears and the anguish that I’d let build up during the flight, filling my body with so much pressure I was like a soda bottle about to burst.
“Welcome home, Soph,” Dad said, stepping forward to hug me.
His arms wrapped around my shoulders and I broke down like I had when I’d lost my first tooth and was momentarily certain all my teeth would follow suit, and like I had when he’d picked me up from a middle school dance after I’d seen my crush making out with someone else in the parking lot.
Only this time, I couldn’t even hear his soothing words. I knew my dad, he must have been saying them, but my sobs were too loud. Not that it mattered what he said. Nothing would make this hurt less.
Mom must have stepped in behind me because I felt one of her arms loop around my waist from the back as she stroked my hair. “Let’s get you in the car, sweetie,” she said, letting go.
I released Dad and he stepped to the side, opening the door to the back seat where I saw Kennedy sitting, iced latte in her hand.
“Surprise,” she said sadly before sliding across the seat and hugging me as my parents and I got into the car.
“How did you do it?” I choked out between sobs, squeezing her shoulders as I collapsed against her. I was running out of energy to stay upright. “How did you get on a plane and leave Dad behind?”
She kissed my cheek. “It was the biggest mistake of my life, Sophia, and it nearly killed me.”
She finally let go and I lifted my head to see my parents facing me over the center console.
My dad reached for Kennedy’s knee the way he always tried to soothe her when she felt the pain of her past decisions.
I leaned against the window and wiped my eyes, chest heaving.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to breathe normally again.
“I think I just made the biggest mistake of my life,” I said, closing my eyes.
I was basically a zombie who lived in my dad’s pool house.
Elena had all but moved in with me for the last few days and I could tell she didn’t think I should be here but she kept her opinions to herself for once.
She must have sensed that sharing her opinion would cause me to crumble further because instead, she crawled into bed and watched romcoms with me, picking up takeout or bringing me meals prepared by one of our fathers.
She hadn’t even complained when I’d spent the better part of an entire day listening to “Timezone ” by M?neskin.
She’d simply let me cry over the two people in the song who were apart only because of distance as she rubbed my back.
Her usual reluctance to be around people displaying any sign of emotions had evaporated in my time of need but I was too out of it to thank her.
I left the pool house occasionally—there wasn’t a bathroom in there—and I’d found that I could be miserable and ignore everyone next to the pool just as easily as in the pool house.
At least when I was in a lounge chair by the pool I could feel the vitamin D soaking into my skin, a feeling that had been nonexistent in Boston.
Five days passed like that, operating as a shell of myself, wondering how long it would take for the pain to become bearable enough that I could function.
I spent a lot of hours in bed, typing on my computer.
One thing the absolute shattering of my heart had done was made me want to preserve every minute with Leo in my memory, and whenever I was alone I wrote down every memory as vividly as I could recall it.
My phone rang and I reached for it, expecting Elena to check in on me. She’d gone home earlier than usual this evening since she was opening the café for Kennedy in the morning.
Leo’s name flashed on the screen which was lit up with a picture of him in his hockey gear holding the Frozen Four trophy over his head. My heart split as I answered the phone and pressed it to my ear, afraid to say anything.
“Soph?” It was his voice. It was pained, but it was him.
A lump formed in my throat and my breath got trapped in my chest.
“Hawaii?” he asked. “Are you there?”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “I’m here.”
A sharp intake of breath came through the phone and Leo’s voice cracked. “I’m not doing great here without you, Hawaii.”
Tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. “I’m not doing great either.”
“I really needed to hear your voice.”
“Okay,” I said. “It’s really nice to hear yours too.”
“Can I sleep with you tonight?” he asked, sniffling loudly. “Please, Hawaii. Just this once.”
I glanced at the screen to check the time. It was eight o’clock here, which meant it was the middle of the night in Boston.
I rolled over onto my side and put the phone on speaker next to me.
“Okay, Leo. Just this once,” I said, thinking back to the time I’d called him in the middle of the night and he’d done the same for me without question. If he needed to listen to me sleep, I could give him that.
“I miss you,” he said, his voice cracking again. I suspected he might be a little bit drunk, but I didn’t press him. I couldn’t even remotely judge how he was getting through this when my own approach was to avoid speaking all together.
“I miss you too,” I said.
His sobs broke my heart again as I swiped at the tears rolling down my cheeks.
“It’s not supposed to be like this,” he said. “We belong together, Hawaii.”
I swallowed around the lump in my throat and took a deep breath, despite feeling like an elephant had taken up residence on my chest.
“We’re together right now,” I said softly. “Go to sleep, Leo. I’ll be here the whole time. I promise.”
He didn’t say anything else and I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes, light streamed in through the windows of the pool house. I looked at my phone next to me and touched the black screen.
It’s dead.
I rolled over onto my stomach and sobbed into my pillow until Mom showed up and coaxed me out of bed. She plugged my phone in without asking any questions and walked me inside the main house.
“Shower,” she said. “You need to get out of the house today.”
I groaned but did as she said, feeling Dad and Kennedy’s eyes watching me from their kitchen as I slowly climbed the spiral staircase to the shower.
It was probably best for me to be as far away from my phone as possible for the day because the urge to call Leo back and make sure he was okay was overwhelming.
The only thing that kept me moving was knowing that he wasn’t okay and calling to confirm that would only keep hurting us both.