Chapter 65
Sixty-Five
“ S o, I guess Mark isn’t a total dick after all.
” I’d just finished filling Keira in on the conversation I’d had with Mark today.
Not all of it, just the discovery that Mark had recommended me for a place at my dream college.
She’d been interested when I’d needed her, but now, much to my amusement, she was barely paying attention.
Keira’s face was flushed a soft pink, partly because of the wine and partly because of the ‘burly guys’ sent to us courtesy of Alfie, who were currently loading an armchair into my van.
We sat on the old bench in her front garden and watched the guys work.
“Mmm, I guess,” she mumbled, sounding distracted. I looked over at my friend just in time to see an eyebrow arch wickedly as one of the guys lifted his shirt to wipe sweat from his face, giving us a generous flash of his tanned abdomen.
“Hello? You alive in there?” I flicked her arm playfully, and she nudged me back but didn’t take her eyes off the men.
I decided to wait it out and sure enough, a few minutes later, Keira abandoned me and I was left to enjoy the show.
The guys didn’t stand a chance as she sauntered over to them and began flirting.
Half an hour later, when both guys had left with her number, I got her attention back. We moved onto her front step and Keira lit up a cigarette.
“You’re smoking again?”
“Stress smoking,” she answered and I noticed for the first time the tension in her face.
Her almost-empty family home echoed behind us.
Her stuff was nearly all packed up and she’d already decided where she’d be living in London.
I’d looked at the pictures of her new tiny bedroom in a three-person flat-share and had felt a twinge of jealousy, which was ridiculous considering the kind of luxury I was going to be living in. Yet it bothered me.
“You scared?”
“No,” she said and then gave me a small smile that told me she was terrified. “You figured out what you’re going to do yet? I’d be less scared if you were coming with me.” She took another drag on her cigarette and looked at me out of the corner of her eye.
“Yeah, I know what I’m going to do.”
“Why do I feel like you’re about to let me down?” She blew out smoke and I watched it plume into the open air. “Have you told Alfie about college?”
“No, I decided that he didn’t need to know,” I said and she snorted.
“You don’t think it’s weird that you’ve told everyone except him?” I opened my mouth to answer but again she cut me off. “So, you’re leaving with him then?” She turned her gaze on me again, her eyes searching mine. I took a breath and straightened up. I needed to just tell her and get it over with.
“Yeah, I am.”
“Why?” Why? I racked my brain, sorting recent events into boxes, things I could tell her and things I couldn’t. I didn’t know when I’d started doing that, but it had become a constant habit when I spoke to people now.
“We just…we talked about it and we decided it was the right decision.” That wasn’t a lie, I was just omitting a whole lot of information. And she knew it. She stared at me. Waiting. “We had a fight and I just realised that I’d rather be with him than anywhere else.”
“Is that right? So what was this fight about?”
There was no point lying to her. “I kissed Bradley. Or, rather, he kissed me.” Her eyebrows raised slightly but she didn’t speak.
“I told Alfie. We talked and decided that I should leave with him. That he’s where I want to be.
” I wanted her to be happy for me, but more than that, I wanted her to believe me. I needed her to believe me.
“I bet he was thrilled.” She looked away, staring at nothing in particular as she sipped her wine.
“Yeah, he was pretty happy,” I said, remembering the look on his face this morning when I’d told him I was still in.
“I meant about Bradley,” she snapped. “I mean, it’s kind of perfect if you think about it.
He wants you to leave with him, you’re on the fence, and then this perfect piece of leverage falls right into his lap.
He must have been over the moon.” She gave a dry laugh and I stared at her, trying to wrap my head around what she was implying.
“Why did you even tell him about Bradley in the first place?”
“We’d had a fight about me lying. I’d lost my pills again and hadn’t told him and then?—”
“You’ve been losing your pills?” She laughed. “Jesus, Lo.”
“I know, I’m an idiot.” By some miracle though, I'd been smart enough to remember to take it during our weekend screw-a-thon. I wasn't sure I'd taken it at the right times, but if I peered through the fuck-fog I could remember popping that tiny pill.
“Yeah, you are. You don’t think it’s a little suspicious that you’ve been taking the pill without a hitch for five years and then this super controlling, super possessive guy comes along and suddenly your pills start disappearing?
” My mouth fell open as I watched her take another curt drag on her cigarette, the burning tobacco lighting up the dusk.
She couldn’t be serious. The nagging feeling that she might be right sat at the back of my mind but going down that road was a straight way to a life without Alfie and that wasn’t a road I wanted to go down.
Ever. I took a deep sip of wine and turned to face my best friend.
“Okay, I don’t know what you’re implying?—”
“I’m implying that Alfie Tell is a manipulative dick who’s been stealing your birth control.” My best friend, blunt as ever.
“You’re way off, Keira.” I took another sip of wine and my head swam a little.
I was supposed to be sleeping at Keira’s tonight so I hadn’t worried about getting tipsy.
Now, drinking didn’t seem like the best idea.
“I know things haven’t been perfect with him, but we’ve worked really hard and I don’t want to give him up.
He’s letting me in, showing me a side of him that no one else ever gets to see.
He needs me. I was even thinking about showing him my Memory Garden and?—”
“Well, I’m happy for you.” Her voice was rich with sarcasm and it grated on me. I knew she was pissed that I wasn’t leaving with her, but this was my life, not hers.
“Passive aggression doesn’t suit you, you know.”
“And being a pushover doesn’t suit you. I guess we’re both wearing the wrong clothes today.”
“A pushover ? What the hell, Keira?”
She rounded on me, her sweet, plump face flushed with anger. She’d officially entered the pissed-as-hell zone.
“What the hell me ? Lo, what the hell is going on with you?” Her voice cracked and I felt it in my chest. “We’ve been friends our whole lives.
I laid in bed with you for days when your mum died, and when your gran died I did it again.
I was there when Adam was stalking you and treating you like shit.
I went with you to meet Natalie for the first time.
I’ve been there for you through every crazy thing and you’ve never so much as let me near your Memory Garden and now, suddenly, you know this guy for barely a few months and he gets a free pass? ”
“It’s not like that!” I argued but she was beyond listening to me.
“And now,” she continued, barely coming up for air, “when you finally get into that college, the place you’ve been dreaming about for years, you’re just going to give it up for some guy?” She sounded disgusted with me and anger rose in my throat. She had no idea, no right to say any of this to me.
“He’s not just some guy!”
“I know, I know, he’s the guy. Bullshit!”
Suddenly I couldn’t stand to talk to her any more. I knew she was hurt, but why couldn’t she try to understand? I downed my wine and dropped the glass on the ground. I stood, my legs a little shaky. She looked up at me and took a contemptuous sip of her wine.
“Don’t take your bitter shit out on me, Keira. It’s not my fault that you’ve fucked a hundred guys and have never found anything close to real.” Did I just say that?
Keira narrowed her eyes. “Yeah? Well, I would rather fuck a hundred guys than let one fuck with me.” Her tone was cold and sounded so wrong coming out of her mouth.
“He isn’t fucking with me!” The nagging feeling told me to stop, to listen to my best friend, but I couldn’t entertain what she was saying. Alfie wouldn’t do those things, he wouldn’t . “And you know what, Keira, what I choose to do with my life is none of your fucking business.”
“It used to be, back when we were friends. Back when the sky was still blue, pigs didn’t fly, and you still knew your own mind.
” She stood now, facing me, her dark eyes shining with tears.
She let out a shaky breath, her tone finally softening.
“You’re not like this, Lo. You’re tough and you have a temper and you’re passionate about your work.
You don’t roll over for a guy just because he’s got money and a good dick! ”
“Keira, that’s not fair.”
She took a step towards me and cupped my face. “Lo, please listen to me. I warned you about Adam, remember? You ignored me about him too.”
“Alfie isn’t Adam.”
“No, he’s a lot smarter than Adam with way more resources.
” I pulled out of her grasp, unable to hear what she was saying, but she grabbed my arms and forced me to look at her.
“Lo, I love you to death, but as your best friend and your family, I’m telling you that I’m getting bad vibes about this.
Isn’t it strange to you that you’ve been able to tell everyone about college but not him?
What about the GPS thing, the control, the secrets?—”
“They don’t matter,” I insisted. They did matter, just not enough to make me give him up. I couldn’t lose anyone else. I just couldn’t.
She sighed and dropped her hands. I wanted to grab them back and squeeze them, to force her to be my friend again, but I felt like we’d already gone too far.
“What about stealing your pills? Does that matter?”
“He isn’t stealing my pills!” He wouldn’t. Alfie was manipulative, but I trusted him with my body. He wouldn’t fuck with me like that.
“Then try him out.” She folded her arms and gave me an ‘I dare you’ look. “Leave your pills somewhere and see if they go missing. If I’m wrong, then hell, I’ll kiss his dick myself.” Normally I would laugh, but this wasn’t funny.
“I don’t need to do that. I trust him.”
“No, you don’t,” she said evenly.
“He wouldn’t do that to me, Keira,” I insisted and her gaze softened again, her eyes tinged with sadness.
“Yeah, Lo, I think he would.” She was pitying me and I couldn’t stand it.
I couldn’t stand her. “Money doesn’t exist in a vacuum.
People that have a lot of it have had to be ruthless to get it and keep it and men like that are used to getting what they want.
They throw amusing tantrums as kids when they aren’t allowed their favourite toy, and then they grow up into big, strong men and their tantrums become a lot less funny.
You’re his favourite toy, Lo. I don’t think there’s much he wouldn’t do to keep you.
Knocking you up without your consent? Yeah, I think he could do that. ”
“You’re wrong.” I poured as much venom into my voice as I could and turned away from her.
“You’re being a fucking idiot, Lo,” she called after me but I didn’t turn around.
“You’re wrong,” I whispered under my breath.
I stumbled slightly as I got into my van but I didn’t stop.
I needed to get away from her. I couldn’t listen to her talk anymore.
I turned the key in the ignition and the engine grumbled into life.
I avoided her gaze as she watched me drive away. She was wrong. She was. She had to be.