Chapter 66
Sixty-Six
I drove for about thirty seconds before my foot hit the brakes and I screeched to a stop, unable to move, my muscles seizing up as panic coursed through me.
I was drunk.
I was driving drunk .
I squeezed my eyes shut as memories flooded me.
The water rising around my ankles. The pounding of my mum’s sandal-clad feet against the windshield as she tried in vain to kick it open.
The dank smell of canal water. My mum’s final kiss on my cheek before she pushed me out of the window. The blare of a car horn…wait, what?
I opened my eyes and saw in my wing mirror an irate Mercedes behind me. The driver—a small, balding man—pulled around, yelled an expletive at me for blocking the road, and sped off.
Get a hold of yourself, Lola.
I took a deep, calming breath the way Keira and I had breathed a thousand times.
When I first went back to school after the accident, this would happen and I would run out of class, my head spinning and my classmates’ snickers following me.
My world would close in and I would crumple in the hallway, consumed by the sound of rushing water.
Then Keira’s hand would be in mine and she’d sit on the floor with me, her forehead touching my own, breathing with me until I could see straight again.
But she hadn’t followed me this time. I was thirty seconds from her house, still on her damned street, and yet she’d never felt so far away.
I needed to get out of the road. My hands trembled as I eased off the hand break. My head was fuzzy from the wine and I could feel now how delayed my responses were, how clumsy my movements. Was this how that driver had felt before he’d hit our car? The thought sickened me.
At a snail’s pace I pulled over, sighing with relief as I switched the engine off. I would just wait here until I was sober again. I closed my eyes and waited.
I waited for three hours which was much longer than I needed to, but I wasn’t taking any chances.
With a clear head I started my old van up again and headed home, driving like an old lady the whole way.
By the time I got home it was close to midnight and my sleepy house was shut up tight.
I was grateful that there were so few houses on the street and no one could see what a mess I was in.
Keira was wrong. I was certain of it. Why couldn’t she just be happy for me?
I was so angry I didn’t know whether to scream or cry.
I’d hated hearing her talk about Alfie that way.
More than that, I hated her for opening the floodgates of doubt into my head.
I groaned and slumped onto the steering wheel.
I was exhausted and I wondered if this day was ever going to end.
My phone buzzed and I pulled it out, expecting a text from Keira. She wouldn’t apologise, Keira wasn’t good at that. She’d just say she loved me which would let me know we were okay. I shouldn’t have been surprised that it was from Alfie.
I thought you were staying at Keira’s?
A.
I sighed. The GPS stalking had infuriated me when I’d first found out about it. Now, I’d just accepted it as part of the Alfie package.
We had a fight so I came home. I assumed that he hadn’t texted me earlier because I’d been parked so close to her house that it must have seemed as though I was still there and not sitting in my van alone trying not to cry.
I’m coming over.
A.
I wanted him, of course I did, but right now I just wanted to go to sleep and forget about this crappy day.
It’s late and Ryan’s asleep. Please don’t, I sent, hoping that for once he wouldn’t push it.
Come to me.
A.
I wanted to. I imagined crawling into those soft sheets beside him, his strong arms protecting me. Keira’s words played over in my head and I shook them away, refusing to accept that they were the reason I wasn’t running to his bed.
I’m exhausted, Alfie. I’ll see you tomorrow. Thank you for sending some heavy-lifters to move the furniture. Night. x I put my phone away.
I was so tired I practically fell out of my van. I must have been more angry than I realised because I slammed the door shut with such force that I heard something fall and land with a dull thud in the back of my van.
I sighed and shut my eyes, willing myself not to lose my shit.
I fumbled with my key set for the manual key I needed to open the back doors.
I held them up to the street light to make sure I had the right one and opened the doors as quietly as possible, acutely aware that it was late and my neighbours were likely asleep.
I found Keira’s green suede armchair had fallen, knocking over a box of books. I clambered into the van and straightened the items up, though I was tempted to throw them out onto the street and stomp all over them.
“Lo?”
I let out a half-screech and sprang backwards, dropping the books I’d just gathered up. I peered into the shadows and let out an exasperated groan when the figure stepped into the street light.
“ Adam?” This day. This whole day could go fuck itself. “What are you doing here?”
Adam gave me an almost embarrassed smile—one I’d seen a hundred times before. He used to smile the same way when I caught him leaving me another gift, or putting rose petals on my car. I hated that fucking smile.
“I’ve been trying to see you for weeks, but you’re always with him .
I even called your work a few times but another guy picked up and wouldn’t let me talk to you.
” Wow, Mark really did have my back. I shook Mark out of my head.
I couldn’t think about him right now. Adam’s pale blond hair looked thin and wispy in the street light and his watery blue eyes looked…
excited. Behind him, I glimpsed the dark blue car that I’d seen so many times at my work.
I froze. He’d been watching me. Following me. Again. A cold shiver ran up my spine.
“I thought I might get a chance when I saw you having an argument with that rich prick last week. You shouted at him and told him he didn’t deserve you.
” My mind flashed back to the morning of the grey dress and the jacuzzi fight.
“I thought you might finally call me after ignoring me all this time, but you didn’t.
” He was silent for a moment, waiting for an apology. He wasn’t getting one.
“Adam, I’m exhausted.” I shuffled forward on the bed of my van and reached to get out, but he stepped forward, blocking me. I sat back, my heart pounding a little harder.
“You need to hear me out,” he said, his tone calm, his expression calm, the flicker in his eyes not calm at all.
“I don’t need to do anything. I’m going to bed.” I was tired and I’d dealt with enough people today telling me what to do. It was ironic that the only person who hadn’t ordered me around today was Alfie.
Alfie…
Why hadn’t I told him to come? Why hadn’t I gone to him?
“No.” He stepped closer, his hands on the doors as if he was about to climb in and shut us both inside. He crowded my vision and a sharp chill of panic began to creep over me. I was trapped. Even if I started yelling there was no guarantee anyone would hear.
“Lola, sweetheart, why won’t you give me another chance?
Look,” he gave a small laugh, “I know I can be a bit intense sometimes, but it’s only because I want you so badly.
I was your first, do you remember that? That was an incredible night.
The best of my life.” Definitely not the best of mine.
I remembered it lasted all of two minutes before he fell back, huffing and panting as if he’d just run a marathon.
“Adam, you need to let me?—”
“Don’t tell me what I need to do. You know I hate that.” I flinched at the tone I’d heard a hundred times. “Why do you treat me like this? I go out of my way for you and you never give a shit. You were never grateful, no matter what I did for you.”
“I never asked you to?—”
“And now you just want to get rid of me again? So you can go back to that prick? He punched me in the face, Lola, do you even care about that?” Honestly, I’d barely given it a second thought and the memory of Alfie busting Adam’s face at Specimens made me want to burst out laughing, not because it was funny but because I was terrified.
I held it in. Laughing would be a really bad idea right now.
“I’m sorry he did that,” I said carefully and he smiled.
“See? I knew you still cared about me. I knew you weren’t okay with him hitting me like that. That’s why I’ve been following you. It was for your sake, not mine. I didn’t want him hurting you the same way he hurt me.”
“I appreciate your concern, Adam.” This time his gaze darkened.
He was flitting from emotion to emotion so fast I couldn’t keep up.
Every time I spoke seemed to elicit a new reaction that made no sense.
He was unpredictable. After dealing with Alfie I should be skilled at dealing with unpredictable men, so why did I feel so out of my depth?
“Why are you being so cold to me? I’m laying my heart out for you. Don’t you have anything to say at all?” I shut my eyes. My head was pounding from the stress.
Alfie.
I wanted Alfie.
But Alfie wasn’t here. I opened my eyes and assessed Adam, trying to see him the way Alfie would.
His pale, pulpous face stared back at me, petulant and expectant.
Was he truly dangerous? I didn’t know. Alfie wouldn’t care about finding out.
Alfie would see that an entitled man with a bruised ego was a very dangerous thing.
I cleared my face of worry and gave him an appeasing smile.
“Babe, I’m just tired. I just want to go to bed. Maybe we can talk tomorrow? Go for lunch, maybe?” He cocked his head—a move that Alfie had performed a thousand times to an entirely different effect. On Adam, it just made him look stupid.
“On a date?” he asked.
“Yeah, a date. Maybe we can talk about starting over?” I gave him my best impression of a sweet, hopeful girlfriend and he broke into a grin.