Chapter 5
Five
I spent the next day holed up in Imani’s office, getting to grips with my new role. A combination of my role at Rosie’s and my role as Imani’s assistant, it wasn’t difficult to learn the ropes. It would have been easier if Alfie hadn’t been at the forefront of my mind though.
All night I tossed and turned, wondering what to do. I had read the letter over a hundred times, searching for the lie, the hidden manipulation in his words, but I couldn’t find it.
The afternoon found me hunched over my sketchbook as I got started on brainstorming for my project. I was full of ideas, but my plot needed to say something, and right now I had no idea what that something was. My phone rang and I was grateful for the reprieve. I answered it without looking.
“Lo? Are you busy?” My sister's voice was unusually nervous.
“No, are you okay?” I hadn’t spoken to her much since finding out Riley was Ryan’s father. My sister was a person who liked to figure her drama out on her own and I’d tried to give her the space to do that.
“Yeah, I’m just…how well do you know Riley?”
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been waiting for this phone call. “Well enough to know he’s a good man. Why?”
“He wants to start spending time with Ryan and I don’t know what to do. Can I trust him? It feels crazy to just hand my son over to a stranger, even if he is his father.” Her voice shook with worry. I imagined my sister, sitting at our kitchen table, foot tapping with anxiety.
“You can trust him, but maybe you should start off slow? Spend time together first? All three of you?”
She was silent as she mulled over my words. I could practically feel her warring mind through the phone.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” she whispered. “I’ve imagined finding him so many times, I never thought I’d feel so scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of losing my son,” her voice cracked. “Of shared custody . Of being away from Ryan for days or weeks while he’s with his Dad.
Riley is so wealthy , Lo, he can give Ryan everything I can’t.
I’ve never even been able to take him on holiday or buy him a new bike.
His shoes are all second hand…what if he prefers Riley?
” she sniffed, her words falling over themselves in a desperate bid to be free.
“What if Riley gets married ? Then Ryan is spending so much time with her and maybe she’s younger than me and more fun and he prefers her and?—”
“—Natalie…” My heart broke for her.
“I know I’m being irrational.” She sniffed again, her voice tight as she tried to keep tears at bay. I imagined Ryan playing in the garden, blissfully unaware of his mum’s turmoil.
“No, you’re not. I get it. But Ryan prefers me sometimes too, doesn’t he? Prefers me to do bath time or read him a story and you never get jealous about that right?”
“No, I’m always grateful for the break.” She let out a wry laugh.
“Right. Because when he’s sick, or scared, or really proud of something, who does he always want most?”
“Me.” Her voice cracked and my heart cracked too. I hated that she would ever even question this.
“You’re his mother. Nothing is getting in the way of that. Not ever.”
She was quiet for a few moments as she collected herself. “I know, deep down I do know that. It’s just been the two of us for so long. I don’t want to lose that bond.” I heard her sigh down the line. “I know I’m being selfish.”
“You’re being human. Actually, my advice is to be more selfish. With Riley involved, there would be less pressure on you. Especially if he’s paying child support. You could have a little more freedom, maybe have to worry a bit less about money.”
“Yeah, he, um, he sent me a cheque. For two hundred thousand pounds.” I choked on my coffee, spluttering in shock, and heard her give a little nervous laugh. “You alive over there?”
“Sort of. Are you serious?”
“Yeah, he said it was ten years worth of child support and that it was catch free. I didn’t owe him anything.” Damn, Riley. You really got it right.
“And you’re still wondering if he’s a good guy because…?”
“Because Alfie seemed like a good guy too and he fucked you up royally.” Ouch.
That hurt. But she wasn’t wrong. Which only reminded me that if Natalie knew the full extent of what Alfie had done to me and not just the milder controlling behaviours I’d told her about, she wouldn’t want me near him any more than Keira did.
“Alfie is a whole other thing. He and Riley are not in the same boat. I think you’re worrying less about Riley with Ryan and more about Riley with you. Is there something going on there?” My question hung in the air, a long silence hovering down the line.
“I like him,” she admitted, her voice a soft whisper as if she was scared to say it outloud.
“So, just like him. See where it takes you.”
“And if it doesn’t work out? What if Ryan gets hurt?”
“Ryan is resilient and you don’t have to tell him shit until you’re ready.
Natalie, you’ve been on your own for a long time.
You owe it to yourself to give this a shot and you owe it to Riley too.
He’s missed out on so much.” I pitied Riley.
He would make such an amazing parent. I couldn’t imagine how hard this was for him.
“I know. He knows I tried to find him, he gets it, but I can tell it hurts him.” She sighed. “I guess I need to have a conversation with Ryan.”
“Do you want me to be there? I can come home,” I offered.
“No, it’s okay. I’ve got this.”
“You always do. Love you.”
“You too.” We hung up and I sat there, staring down at my garbled sketches, wondering about the strength of mothers. Natalie would figure this out, I didn’t doubt it for a moment.
In the meantime, I had a whirlwind of my own choices to make.
Natalie, despite all her fears, was preparing to jump anyway. I’d never considered myself a coward, maybe I needed to jump too. But jumping without a parachute seemed like a crazy thing to do.
I’d heard that love made you do crazy things and I wondered, as I had a thousand times, did I love Alfie now?
Did I ever? Could real love exist in such a toxic environment or would it wither and die like a rose in rank soil?
I didn’t know. As always, when it came to Alfie, I didn’t know anything.
So instead, I turned to what I knew about myself.
What I knew for certain, was that now I was strong enough to be my own parachute.
Evening came and my decision had been made.
I’d like to say that Elliot was surprised to hear from me but that would be a lie.
I might have changed a lot but he sure hadn’t.
He was as perceptive as he’d ever been, and after a two minute phone call, I had agreed to dinner. With Alfie Tell. At 7pm tonight.
The location of what was surely to be the most nerve wracking dinner of my life I left up to him.
Keira said it was stupid to leave that decision to Alfie, but he had a fairly well-known face.
I didn’t want to end up in some gossip column because I picked somewhere too public.
Alfie would know how to protect his privacy.
Sure, I was giving him an inch which meant he would likely take a mile, but Keira was right.
I wasn’t the same vulnerable girl that I had been, he could try to take whatever he liked, but whatever he tried, I was walking out of that dinner with my underwear firmly intact.
Sitting in my room, surrounded by my outfit choices, I stared down at my shaking hands.
Alfie…
I was going to see him. My body sang with excitement.
My mind screamed at me to run. I took a deep breath and calmed myself.
I could do this. I stood and crossed the room to look at myself in the mirror.
I stilled my face, coaxing it into a cold, ice-like mask, the way I’d seen Alfie do a thousand times.
I could do this. The aim of the dinner was to let him off the hook.
To free both of us from the ties that bound us.
And then move on. I could do that. As long as I kept my mask in place, I could keep him out.
Keira chose that moment to burst into my room, a tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in her hands. “How are you doing? Having a breakdown yet?” She grinned and threw herself onto my bed.
“No.” I left the mirror and crossed to my closet. “Just wondering, what exactly does one wear to a dinner with your emotionally unstable, billionaire sex-god ex?”
“Something with glitter. Want some?” She held out the spoon but I waved her ice-cream offer away. Cookie dough wasn’t going to cut it tonight. “What did Alfie like you in?”
“I don’t care. I’m trying to figure out what I want to wear, not what he likes.” I turned and eyed my best friend. “Stop testing me.”
“Just making sure you’re in there.” She gave me a sly grin.
I turned back to my limited wardrobe and selected a dress, slipping it over my head.
I turned to my mirror and scrutinised my reflection.
The dress was a deep blue cotton, with a semi-sheer lace waist panel and lace trim at the hem of an A-Line skirt.
I put my shoulders back. I felt good in this dress.
“This one,” I said, a decisive air in my voice.
“Cool,” Keira said, spooning another dose of dough into her mouth. “I’ll get the glitter.”
I walked out of the tube station and quickly made my way to The Dorchester–Alfie’s location of choice.
It hadn’t escaped me that there had been no car waiting when I’d left my apartment.
No insistence that I be driven everywhere.
No sign of his controlling nature. As I approached the grand building, I saw Elliot exit the main doors, heading straight for me.
“Miss O’Connell.”
“Elliot. Let me guess, he’s reserved the whole place?”
“Just the VIP room, for the sake of privacy. We’ll be going in the back entrance.” Damn. Alfie wasn’t playing around.
I followed Elliot around the side of the building to the service entrance and through a series of doors and quiet corridors. We passed a nervous-looking kid in a blazer, who, from the fear-stricken look on his face, I guessed was our waiter.
Elliot slowed to a stop outside a pair of oak double doors with gilded finishings. I paused, knowing what was on the other side of those doors. My hands shook and I clenched them into fists.
“Miss?” Elliot snapped me out of my panic spiral.
“Just in case I don’t get another opportunity, I need you to know that I didn’t know anything about Alfie interfering with your birth control.
” His voice was low so no eavesdroppers might hear us.
His words had me releasing some tension I hadn’t known I was holding.
“Thank you, Elliot. I’m relieved to hear that.” It shouldn’t make a difference, considering Elliot had freely admitted to killing a person, but it did. Elliot hadn’t been a part of that particular insidious scheme and I was deeply grateful.
“For what it’s worth, Mike is no longer in Mr Tell’s personal employment.
” Mike. A member of Alfie’s security team who had helped Alfie steal my birth control.
“He still works for the company, but you won’t have to see him.
If you were to resume your place in Alfie’s life, that is.
” Hope shone in his eyes. Hope that I hated to dash.
I wondered if he realised he’d just called him Alfie.
I couldn’t remember ever hearing him do that.
Once again, I wondered how close this dangerous man with the cold eyes was to Alfie, eyes that only warmed on Alfie and I.
“I appreciate that,” I said, my voice calm as I could make it.
He gestured to the doors. “Are you ready?”
No.
“Yes.” I put my shoulders back, tilted my chin, and slipped my mask into place. My body hummed with nervous energy but my mind was a steel trap, designed to keep Alfie out and my sanity intact. I took a breath and stepped through the doors.