Chapter 20
Twenty
W e dipped into a bedroom. The occupants left without a word and for once I didn’t feel bad that Alfie’s presence had people scarpering in fear.
I stood in the middle of the room, unsure what to do with myself, unsure who I was that I’d just taken part in something like that.
I tried to find comfort in being alone for a moment, away from the madness, but the row of what I presumed were sex swings along one wall reminded me where I was.
I turned away from them. I felt like I had stepped very far away from myself in the last hour.
I felt Alfie’s presence behind me, close but not touching.
“Would you like me to take you home?”
“No, I just…I need a minute.” I took deep breaths. My dress felt too tight. I pulled on the bodice but it didn’t help. “You really used to live like this, everyday?”
“I was a different man then.”
“So, this place doesn’t do it for you anymore?” I was trying to understand why this place made him tick.
“It’s not exactly like I’m living it the way I used to. Tonight, I’m an observer not a participant, that’s something I’ve never been within these walls. The freedom this place represents is what I missed.”
“Do you enjoy it?”
“It’s the same as everything else, Lo. Without you, it’s empty.
” The pain behind his eyes was easy to see.
My stomach clenched. “I’ve travelled to the most incredible places in the last two years and each one of them meant nothing without seeing excitement light up your face.
Food is boring without watching you enjoy it too.
I don’t care if it rains or shines, I don’t care if I get stuck in traffic or my employees fuck up.
I don’t care about anything in my whole fucking world unless you’re in it.
But you already knew that, so what are you really asking me?
” He stuffed his hands in his pockets, studying me.
I took a breath, trying to straighten my jumbled thoughts.
“I want to know what your life is going to be like after our three months are up. Will you come back to this, be what you were before?”
“I can’t go back, Lo. Whether you stay or go, you’ve changed me irrevocably.”
“So, the club…” I trailed off and Alfie shrugged, seeming uninterested in the topic.
“I could blow off steam here, the same way my Tellers do, but the lifestyle is gone. I brought you here because I don’t want things to be hidden anymore. I’m trying to let you in. I wanted to face my ghosts and show you what used to be a huge part of my life. I’m not trying to convert you to it.”
“What if I never want to come back?”
“Then we never come back.” I studied him, trying to see if he was just feigning nonchalance but no, he really didn’t seem to care whether we came back or not.
“What if I want to go into the Onyx rooms?”
“Then you need to sign more paperwork. What else is bothering you?”
“I don’t know why I did that with that woman.” I paced the room, uneasy with my feelings.
“Does it matter why? You don’t have to feel guilty for enjoying something society would shame you for.”
“That’s not what this is.” I folded my arms, turning to face him.
“I’ve done plenty of things with you that society would shame me for and I never felt guilty about it.
” The memories of him fucking me on the balcony of his penthouse tantalised me, but the memories of what I’d just done with that woman made my skin crawl.
Which made Alfie’s current expression all the more annoying. “Why are you smiling?”
“I told you, you weren’t an exhibitionist.”
“You knew that I was going to feel gross about doing that?” He gave an indifferent shrug. “Then why would you let me do it?”
“You want me to control your choices now? Make your mind up, Lola.” He moved to sit on the semi-circle couch, watching me in a way that made me itch.
“That’s not the point. You let me walk into something you knew I would regret.”
“You’re an adult. You wanted to explore something sexual and I recognised that I didn’t have the right to stop you. I’m calling that personal growth on my part.” His tone was too cavalier. I gritted my teeth in annoyance.
“I’m all for personal growth, Alfie, but are you really trying to tell me that that’s the only reason you didn’t stop me?”
“No. I wanted to watch you, I enjoyed it,” he admitted without an ounce of shame. I shook my head. I felt like I’d been tricked. Alfie sighed. “You need to grow up, Lola.”
“Excuse me?” I hissed, my eyes narrowing on him.
“You heard what I said. You need to grow up. You explored something and you didn’t like it. That’s fine. But exploring it was your choice so take some responsibility for that.”
“Yes, it was my choice but you?—”
“Are you hurt?” he cut me off, running his gaze over my untarnished body to prove his point. “Did I abandon you? Did I let anyone see you naked? Did I let anyone touch you?” His questions hung in the air, waiting for me to acknowledge them. “Answer me, Lo.”
I bit my lip, my pride not wanting to admit he might have a point. “No, you didn’t.”
“Right. So, what you’re feeling isn’t actually anything to do with me, is it? You’re feeling shitty and taking it out on me, which isn’t exactly a first for you.” He spread his arms over the back of the couch, his relaxed pose juxtaposing the tension in his words.
“What do you mean?”
“Remember the night you came to my office in my suite? You were wearing the red dress and you sat in my lap, calming me after a shit day. You told me that you’d told your sister you were leaving and I guess you didn’t like my reaction because you lashed out at me.
At the time, I assumed it was just my stunted emotional growth fucking me over again and I should have been more empathetic.
But, what had you done that day, Lo?” He tilted his head, eyeing me with that x-ray vision.
I swallowed. I didn’t want these memories back.
“I’d kissed Bradley,” I whispered, not wanting the walls to hear it.
It would never fail to amaze me how deeply Alfie paid attention to details, what it meant that he’d figured that out.
It meant that he’d tortured himself playing over every single one of our scenes, trying to understand how he’d screwed up and where.
“Right,” he nodded. “You’d fucked up and you were taking it out on me.
Which is exactly what you’re doing now.” He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees.
“I’m not angry with you, baby, but I’m not going to take it either.
So, now that we’ve established it’s not actually me you’re angry with, how about you tell me what’s really bothering you? ”
I folded my arms, a thin shield against his penetrating gaze. He opened me up and read me so easily. I didn’t think I’d ever get used to it. “I don’t know.”
“From now on ‘I don’t know’ isn’t an acceptable response when I ask you an important question.
Try again.” His tone was sharp, making me feel like an admonished school girl.
I bit my lip, trying to understand what went through me during that experience.
I was focused on the blonde, on the strange power that I’d had over her, but as soon as it was finished…
“I didn’t like how I felt afterwards. It’s like I was empty.”
“Yeah, that’s how it feels when you fuck strangers.
” I wondered if that’s how he’d felt when he used to live like this everyday.
“Physically it feels good and if you can detach the mental from the physical then you’re golden, but if you’re like you and those two are deeply connected, then it doesn’t feel so good.
You need the connection or you just feel hollow when it’s over. ”
“I don’t want to feel that way again.”
“Then I suggest you don’t fuck strangers.”
I let out a short laugh. “I don’t want you to feel that way either.”
“Then I probably shouldn’t fuck strangers anymore either. There’s a simple solution to that.” I knew exactly what his solution was, but there was no way I was going there.
“When was the last time you fucked a stranger?” As soon as I said it I regretted the question. I knew I wasn’t going to like the answer.
“About a week ago,” he said, watching for my reaction. I held myself tighter to keep my chest from caving in. He was still sleeping with other women while we were doing…whatever this is. The Alfie-shaped shrapnel in my chest throbbed but I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
“Well, at least you didn’t lie about it.”
“For what it’s worth, what I do with those women, it’s not about making a connection. It’s about blowing off steam.”
“Right, and I’m sure you’d be so cavalier about it if I was to blow off steam with someone else too?” I arched an eyebrow as his eyes narrowed on me.
“Of course not, because I openly admit that you’re mine and I want you back, so I have the right to expect that you don’t share your body with anyone else during these three months.” Alfie’s logic never failed to amaze me.
“And I don’t have that right?”
“Sure.” He smirked. “Just tell me you want me.”
“That’s some emotional blackmail bullshit, Alfie. ‘Take me back immediately or I’ll keep fucking other women.’ Fuck you.” I tore my eyes away, disgusted.
“Do you want to be in a committed relationship with me?”
“No.” I forced the word through gritted teeth. His features set in steel, trying to hide how much it hurt.
“Then you have no rights. Sorry, baby, it’s just the way it is.
But the way you felt tonight, that empty feeling, that’s all I’m left with at the end with those women.
It doesn’t compare.” These moments came in waves for us, challenges hitting us in a stormy sea we had to learn to navigate together.
“It’s really just steam?”