Chapter 20 #2
“It’s really just steam. It means nothing.
” I believed him. I believed that he didn’t care a bit about the women he was sleeping with but I didn’t know if that made it better or worse.
I hated the idea of him giving his body away so easily, like it meant nothing, like it didn’t make my world go round.
It felt disrespectful to throw around something I valued so highly, but that wasn’t his fault.
Like he said, I had no rights over him now. He was free to do whatever he wanted.
“Do you like that it hurts me?” I asked.
“I like that you care.” Visions of him kissing, touching another woman tortured me, annihilating any calm I might have felt. What was this night turning into? “You need me to stop, don’t you?”
“I won’t ask you to do that. I get that I don’t have the right.”
“I can stop, for these three months, I can stop.” I breathed a sigh of relief so acute it was almost physical, like being released from a choke hold. “But I want you to tell me something in return.”
“What?”
“Anything.” He smiled. “Tell me anything you don’t want to tell me.”
“More blackmail?” I said and he rolled his eyes.
“Stop seeing blackmail everywhere. Just humour me.” He waited expectantly. I shifted from one foot to the other, feeling oddly self conscious about what I was about to say.
Alfie watched me, waiting for my answer. An answer it felt like a mistake to give. Giving Alfie access to any of my vulnerabilities always felt like a mistake.
“I liked the rope work,” I admitted, biting my lip. Seeing that woman tied up like that, the gentle but firm way Kal had handled her, it had sparked something inside of me.
“Well, I already knew that,” he grinned. “Tell me why.”
“I don’t know.” He raised his eyebrows, reminding me he’d banned that answer.
I twisted my hands together, trying not to let my discomfort show.
Alfie was too close and as ever, I had to fight the urge to run.
“The vulnerability of it, I suppose. The trust. It’s so intimate.
And the skill it takes is impressive, there’s something about watching a man work with his hands…
” I trailed off, trying not to think about all the times Alfie had worked with his hands on me. “Why do you like it?”
“It meets all of my needs. Control, power, dominance. Mentally it’s challenging too, each body is different, each body requires different knots, different bindings.”
I nodded. It made sense. “But if you enjoy it so much why did you tell Kal that you didn’t like having me tied up?”
“I didn’t like having you unable to touch me.
” My chest ached with his words. I understood them completely.
As much as the shibari scene had fascinated me, I hated the idea of not being able to touch Alfie.
“I could find a way around that.” He ran his gaze over my body, as if imagining where those hypothetical ropes would go.
“I could leave your hands free but those legs, I could bind those wide open.”
Heat pooled in my core and fire blazed in his eyes. Our bodies yearned for one another but I clenched my fists, taking a step away.
“That isn’t going to happen.”
“But you want it to.”
“No.” I shook my head.
“Lie to me again, O’Connell. I dare you.” The warning was clear and I didn’t want to find out what the punishment for another lie was.
Squealed giggles echoed down the hall, disturbing us. I took a breath, pacing again. I felt so strange. I wanted to run. I wanted to fuck, hard. I felt like a whirling mass of conflicting energy.
“Have you had sex in this room before?”
“Probably.” He cast an indifferent glance over the room, at the row of sex swings in the corner. “Jealous?”
“Insanely.”
“If you want to stake your claim I won’t stop you.” He wasn’t joking. I felt the full weight of his words as he watched me, I could feel his need emanating from him. He wanted me. He looked like a lion done toying with his prey and ready to make the final blow. Which meant it was time for me to go.
“I should find Keira and Maia.”
“They’re fine.” He dismissed me.
“I should check on them anyway.”
“They’re fine,” he repeated, watching me so closely. Agitation grew in my gut, a warning that I was getting ever closer to danger. I swallowed, the collar moving with my throat as it undulated. I pulled at it.
“This thing is too tight.”
“But you like it.”
“No, I don’t like it,” I snapped, the lie slipping out before I could stop it.
He didn’t look angry, more amused. My knees almost buckled as he leaned forward, his gaze roaming over me.
“One day, you’re going to trust me enough to let me spank you raw for telling me lies.
” Visions of Alfie doing just that flashed through my mind and to my horror, the thought made me wet.
I pressed my thighs together, willing the want away, but it wouldn’t go.
He stood, crossing to me, his pace lazy, languid.
“It’s natural to like the collar, O’Connell.
It’s just your body’s way of reminding your brain that it belongs to me.
It likes being owned by me.” He stopped in front of me.
His fingers drifted lower to the space between my breasts resting over my thudded ribcage.
He smiled a little, feeling my heart flutter at his touch.
“I can’t help it if my body reacts to you. It doesn’t mean anything.” Slowly, carefully, he took my hand and pressed it to his own chest where I felt his heart beating a heavy rhythm.
“It means something to me.”
“Stop.” My voice came out in a hushed plea.
“Why? What will happen if I don’t?” I squeezed my eyes shut–we both knew what would happen. “Lo, I?—”
I stepped away, cutting him off before he could take that sentence anywhere. I stepped out onto the balcony, breathing in a deep lungful of air, trying to cleanse myself of Alfie Tell. It wouldn’t work. It never did. I felt his presence behind me.
“I know you’re scared, but at some point, you’re gonna have to stop running and jump with me.
” His voice was low, intoxicating. I could barely breathe and it was just too much.
Avoiding his gaze, I stepped around him, but before I could make it to the doorway he grabbed me around the waist and slammed the doors shut, sealing us outside.
My hands pressed against the cool glass, his breath warm on the back of my neck.
He didn’t step away, but remained flush against me, pinning me against the glass with his body. The body that had never failed to set my world on fire.
“Don’t, Alfie.” He straightened, giving me room but not backing away. He smothered my senses. “You’re too close,” I gasped, my breath steaming the glass.
“I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.” His voice was low, words meant only for me and the night enveloping us. I turned, shoving at his chest but he grabbed my wrists, holding me still. “You told me tonight to let go of my demons. I faced them down for you, you need to do the same.”
“The difference, Alfie, is that your ghost is dead. Mine is still alive and can still hurt me.” I squeezed my eyes shut, my control well and truly broken. “This was a mistake. Keira was right.”
“No, she wasn’t right. You’re just panicking.”
“I need to go.”
“You need to stay. To face this with me. That’s the point of all of this, isn’t it?
Face our demons and move on. I’m your demon, Lola.
Face me.” His voice was urgent, pulling me to him from the inside.
It hurt. It hurt because when he was like this, he was so fucking dangerous.
I needed to get out of here. I spun on my heel, grabbing at the door handle again but Alfie caught me up in his arms again.
The sudden contact stole my breath away, his arms wrapping around me from behind.
“Get off me,” I gasped, struggling. He didn’t answer, only held me firm.
I struggled harder, squirming and fighting.
It was too much, he was touching me and it was too much.
He was getting in, my walls were cracking and I was terrified.
Memories of the pain of losing him haunted me, memories of every pillow drenched with my tears, every headache from falling asleep on the bathroom floor after a night of drinking, of Keira’s worry as I hacked off my own hair.
I couldn’t risk that again. I couldn’t .
‘Trust me.’ He wanted me to trust him? How could I when every touch was a threat? Every glance was a warning?
“Please let go,” I sobbed, pleading with him to stop risking my sanity.
To leave me in peace. But he just held me, not pushing, not backing away, just holding me through my storm.
My fight began to wither, my mind was tired and as always, my body knew where it wanted to be.
As the fight fell out of me, Alfie pulled me closer, holding me close as my breathing slowed.
“I hate you.” I felt broken. Like Alfie had just taken a mallet to my hardened heart and cracked it down the middle.
“Not as much as I hate myself for doing this to you.” He held me tighter.
“I’m going to fix this, Lola. I swear it, but I need you to let me try.
” My fists clenched, everything inside me screaming to get away from the threat he posed.
Just before I could scream, he loosened his hold until only a gentle touch remained on my waist.
“I have an idea. Will you go somewhere with me?”
I shivered in the night, trying to fight the panic-filled tears running down my face.
I nodded and he stepped away leaving me colder without him.
I followed him inside and watched, confused as he crossed the room to the cabinet where a vintage gramophone sat.
He opened the cupboard underneath, pulling out a row of old vinyl records.
He studied them before selecting one. “Take this?” I took the record from him.
The title was italian and not one I recognised. He grunted as he lifted the gramophone.
“Isn’t that heavy?”
“Very. Get the door, will you?” He strode ahead of me and I followed, opening the door. I didn’t understand what was happening. He’d had me cornered on the balcony–why hadn’t he taken it all the way?
“Where are we going?” I followed him down the hallway. Eventually we came to a door with a ‘Strictly no entry’ sign on it.
“Open the keypad. Type in 3852.”
I did as he asked and the door unlocked with a smooth click.
I opened it, allowing him through and following him into a tight stairway.
I followed him up, up until suddenly I found myself stepping out onto a small private rooftop.
It took me a moment to realise we were at the top of one of the towers, as high up as we could be.
My jaw dropped as I took in my surroundings.
I felt like I’d just stepped into a gothic garden wonderland nestled up high in the night sky.
The design was simple, but effective. Roaming ivy was the only life here and had curved its way around the brickwork and up the side of the building.
At the centre of the rooftop, a gazebo, feminine statues with rolling curves acting as columns, holding up the intricate iron dome that did nothing to block the stars.
Low stone benches connected each statue and it was on one of these Alfie set down the gramophone.
“Not many people are permitted up here, especially during a party. Too much risk of a drunk idiot falling off the roof.” We have privacy, that’s what he was telling me.
“It’s beautiful, but why have it if no one is allowed to enjoy it?”
“It was a pet project of Rileys. His work is littered all over the grounds though. I’ll show you, but not tonight.
” He extended a hand, nodding at the record I had clutched to my chest. I handed it over, watching as he set it up, placing the needle as the sounds of soft music meant for the night time began to croon to us.
I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling wholly out of my depth. He tried to take my hand but I snatched it away.
“What is this Alfie?” I asked, scrutinising every feature of his perfect face. “What game are you playing now?” He looked at me, so sorrowful as I backed away from him. “You had me cornered on the balcony–why didn’t you just take it all the way then? You could have won and you know it.”
“Winning isn’t the point. Mending the damage I did to you is.
” He took a deep breath and I watched him search himself for the right words.
“You need to learn to trust me with your body again. That I won’t break your boundaries.
I can’t kiss you, or fuck you, or pleasure you, or manipulate my way back to you.
So, just dance with me.” He stepped towards me, my heart beating like an anvil in my chest. He asked me to dance with him like it was so simple, as easy as that to be held by him. Like it wouldn’t break me.
“For what it’s worth, I’m terrified too.
” I believed him. I could see the uncertainty in his eyes.
Could he really be as afraid of me as I was of him?
“The thing is, when I’m scared the only thing that has ever helped is you.
So, can we just stop talking, stop testing and toying with each other.
Just let me be with you, please. Just let me feel that peace again.
” He held a shaking hand out to me, fear bright in his eyes that I might reject him again. “Just dance with me, baby.”
He was killing me, but he was right, despite my fear, I had to try.
Holding my breath, I slipped my own trembling hand into his.
Slowly, we stepped into each other, our bodies moving in perfect synchronicity like they always had.
His touch was magnetic, my skin alive yet perfectly content. I hated how right it felt.
I pressed my cheek against his chest, trying to relax, trying to trust. I had to try, I had to let him fix this broken part of me or I would never be whole again.
He buried his nose in my hair, breathing me in. His heart beat a steady rhythm, it surprised me how calm he was, as if his body knew too that this was right.
We stayed there till the dawn broke, the noise of the party below meaning nothing to us.
We swayed and spun, tentative fingers over goose-pimpled skin, reacquainting and reaffirming that our souls had known each other once.
I felt his tendrils creeping in but this time it felt different, instead of barbed wire they were made of soft cotton milled from a sun drenched meadow.
He felt sweeter, cleaner. And yet, my walls refused to fall.
Because Alfie Tell was nothing if not the master of manipulation and he could make me believe anything.
But tonight, just for tonight, I could dance with him.