Chapter 25 #2
“If she wanted to she would and I’m perfectly capable of continuing the session with her standing.
” Her bracelets jangled as she scribbled on her notepad, she smiled when she saw me watching her.
“I know longhand is outdated but I much prefer it. So, Alfie, your ideal outcome for all this would be?”
“I want her back.” His answer was immediate, the urgency in his tone unmistakeable.
“Why?”
“She’s mine.” My stomach clenched at his answer, once again splitting me down the middle as my mind rang alarm bells but my body yearned for his ownership.
Priya studied him, waiting for him to elaborate.
“I don’t know how to explain it, but she just feels like she belongs to me.
No… with me.” He frowned as he tried to make sense of his thoughts.
Priya scribbled some more before turning to me.
“Lola, your goals?”
“To be free of this,” I muttered.
“‘This’ being what exactly?”
“This thing between us. I don’t know.”
She sat there, waiting for me to elaborate. She could wait all she wanted, I had no idea how to explain the mess going on inside my brain.
“Okay, when you picture your ideal future, is Alfie in it or out of it?”
The question sounded so simple, but the answer was so dangerous.
The truth was, that in my life or out of it, either way I was hurting.
Which I guess meant that I had nothing to lose.
Alfie didn’t look at me as he waited for my answer, his eyes fixed on the coffee table separating him from Priya, but from the tension in his shoulders I could see that my answer meant everything to him.
“He’s in it,” I said, my voice hushed as if I was too scared to admit it outloud. I was scared, but that didn’t change the fact that in my perfect world, Alfie was always there, smiling at me with that small half-smile that he saved just for me.
Alfie closed his eyes, his jaw clenching in relief. I wanted to go to him as I always did when he needed comfort, but I stayed where I was.
“That’s good, but I’d like to point out to both of you that Lola admitting that doesn’t mean that she plans to rekindle the romance between you. Alfie, do you understand that?” He nodded, but barely. “Lola, what is it you want to be free of?”
I thought about it. I wanted to say ‘Alfie’ but that wasn’t the truth.
The truth was I just wanted it not to hurt anymore.
“I want to be free of the Alfie-shaped shrapnel in my chest that makes it hard to breathe.” I squeezed myself tighter as Alfie glanced up at me.
“I want to be free of the power he has over me.”
“You want to trust yourself again,” she said and I nodded.
That was it. There were times when I felt strong with Alfie but that only seemed to last as long as he stayed on his side of the line, as soon as he began to get closer, everything began to shift and I could turn into pliable dough as his nimble fingers moulded me to whatever shape he wanted like he had done before.
“So, I want to get closer to her and she wants to get further away,” Alfie spoke, fixing his gaze back on his therapist. “How do we compromise?”
“By going in the opposite direction, to your worst case scenarios.”
My eyes narrowed on her, a suspicious fear growing in my gut. Alfie didn’t look any more pleased than I did.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Well, it means that we’ll be working with the goal of moving you on from Lola. Building your life and future without her. Sound good?”
“No,” he said through clenched teeth. I started laughing and he glared at me.
“Lola, our goal with you is to bring you closer to Alfie.”
“How exactly?”
“To rebuild trust in yourself and in him by placing all of the power in your relationship entirely in your hands. Every form of contact, verbal, physical, whatever, is only to be instigated by you.”
I arched an eyebrow, flicking my gaze to Alfie’s furious face. A smile started to creep onto my lips. “Still glad you tricked me into coming here?”
Forty five minutes later, Alfie and I sat staring grim faced at his therapist. Well, our therapist. I guess she was mine now too, seeing as I had made it to the couch. Sitting down had kind of sealed the deal.
“Okay, Alfie. Let’s go over your actions moving forward.” Priya smiled, her notebook getting fuller by the second.
“Focus on developing interests outside of work and Lola.” Alfie’s clipped tone made me tense. I could practically hear his teeth grinding together.
“Easy, right?” Priya smiled again. “And Lola?”
“The ball is in my court.”
“Elaborate.” She waved her pen at me. She’d used that word on me a lot in the last hour. It was strange Alfie being the forthcoming one for once.
“I move towards trusting Alfie and myself again by choosing when we have contact and when we don’t.”
“Proving what to yourself?”
“That Alfie can be trusted to respect my boundaries, that I can be trusted to control myself,” I answered, repeating what we had discussed during the session.
“Proving what to Alfie?”
“That he can find happiness outside of me and purpose outside of work. That if I come to him it’s because I want to, not because he manipulated me into doing so.”
“Wonderful.” She placed her pen and notebook to the side of her, giving us her full attention.
“Now, let's make it perfectly clear that your choices are your own. Lola, if you truly think Alfie is reverting to old patterns of behaviour then I urge you to keep your distance. Alfie, if you find yourself in danger of compromising her again, I suggest you cut off all contact immediately. I will only work with both of you as long as your toxic behaviours aren’t at play again. Are we clear?”
“Clear,” Alfie answered immediately then looked at me.
“Yeah, we’re clear.”
It felt strange to be discussing our toxicity out in the open like this.
It had been our dirty little secret for so long.
My hands twisted in my lap. An hour under Priya’s watchful gaze had me feeling agitated.
She saw too much, unearthed too much. She had turned Alfie from a dangerous creature I kept at arm's length to a tangible future for the taking if I was willing to do the work. She’d made the possibility of him real and that terrified me.
“Alright, one more thing. We’ve discussed your goals but now I’d like to touch on mine.
My goal here is not to reunite you as a couple, but to work with you as a pair to help you heal from past traumas and achieve healthy relationships with yourselves.
At the end of the three month contract the two of you agreed to, we can reassess.
You might find you’re ready to move forward together or you might find you’re ready to move on apart?—”
“That isn’t going to happen.” Alfie cut her off but she didn’t seem bothered by it.
“You might surprise yourself, Alfie.” Priya gave him a kind smile that I doubt did much to comfort him. “Lola, I would like to cover one last thing with you. I’m aware that you’re very distrustful of me.”
I raised my brows at her, surprised by her assessment “I don’t dislike you at all, I?—”
“I didn’t say dislike, I said distrust.” Her deep brown eyes were warm as they focused on me. “Alfie mentioned earlier that your M.O is to keep people at a distance and I have definitely noticed that.”
“I’ve been more polite than Alfie.” At least I hadn’t spent the last hour staring daggers at her.
“But not more real. He’s been open in his anger towards me.
The keyword there is ‘open.’ You on the other hand have been exactly as you said, polite.
I understand why and I don’t judge you but I do need to address it with you.
If you don’t trust me, we can’t have an effective relationship.
” Her smile was steady as she waited for my response.
I didn’t know what to say, but she was right, I didn’t trust her, it just hadn’t occurred to me that it was noticeable.
“I suppose I have a hard time trusting people connected with Alfie. I like people in his life, I’m friendly with Elliot and Ada, but they will always act in his interests before mine.” I took a breath, trying to ignore the feel of Alfie’s eyes burning a hole into the side of my head.
“You think I would put his wants before yours?”
“I think you’re on his payroll.”
She nodded slowly, taking in my words, seemingly unoffended. “Has it seemed like I was on his side during this session?”
I sighed, frustration slipping through that I had to explain this. I hated explaining this, it made me feel stupid.
“Nothing with Alfie ever seemed like anything until I looked around and realised he’d torn my life apart and I’d fucked him as a thank you.”
“That’s fair, and your defensive feelings are justified but they aren’t sustainable if you want a healthy life.
Over the next few weeks and months, you’re going to need to challenge them in order to move forward.
Taking down your walls is going to feel pretty uncomfortable but if you don’t put in that work, you will never have a meaningful relationship with Alfie or anyone else.
” She paused, letting her words sink in.
Tension weighed heavy in my stomach, anxiety crawling over my skin and I had to fight to suppress the anger I felt towards Alfie for bringing me here.
“I know that seems overwhelming, which is why you’re going to take it slowly. Let's start now, with me, and we can end the session on this.” She put her notebook to one side and folded her hands in her lap, leaning back in her chair. “Do I come across to you as a person easily manipulated?”
“Definitely not.” I didn’t have to think twice about that one.
“Then perhaps you might consider why Alfie would hire me if he didn’t want to be held accountable. Why didn't he instead hire a more malleable person?”
I tensed at her question, annoyance percolating in my gut. Alfie’s grey gaze still fixed on me as I played tennis with his therapist.
“His desire to manipulate a therapist and his desire to manipulate me aren’t the same thing.”
“True,” she nodded, “but in that case, why bring you to me at all? Why not fire me and take you to another therapist who he could bend to his side?”
Her question made me pause. I hated to admit it, but she had a point.
If Alfie wanted me manipulated, he wouldn’t have brought me to this woman who would call both of us out on our bullshit.
Not only had he brought me here, but he’d gone along with her plans for us.
He hadn’t accepted them gracefully, but he had accepted them.
So…why? I sat in silence, chewing my lip.
“Lola, I’d like you to look at Alfie and then answer my question.
” Her voice was soft and my fists clenched in my lap as I tensed myself against her attempt to break down my walls.
I swallowed but did as she asked. “Why would he bring you to see me and not someone he could manipulate into helping him get what he wants?”
“Because he wants to change.” My voice was a hushed whisper but Alfie’s gaze steadied me, drawing me in heart first.
“And what did you say earlier was one of Alfie’s keenest qualities?”
“He’s ruthless when it comes to getting what he wants.”
“That’s right,” she said softly. I released a breath I hadn’t realised I was holding. “So,” she smiled at both of us as we broke our gaze to look at her, “same time next week?”