Chapter 26 #2
My thighs trembled, the sensation so delicious.
My clitoris jumped, throbbing under his touch.
I squirmed, pleasure building, pure and base at my centre.
My hands gripped his, my body straining for more, but all he gave me was that small touch, and in that moment, it was all I needed, all I could handle, even though he wanted so much more.
“Let it happen, Lo.” He held me close, pressing gentle kisses at my temple, my cheek, my neck, as I rode the wave higher…higher. I cried out against his lips as my orgasm chased me, our gazes holding fast.
“Fuck, I’ve missed watching you do this.”
I looked up at him, at that smile. He was happy and I…I wasn’t ready.
My pleasure froze in mid-air, taken over by raw panic. It must have shown in my eyes because he pulled his hand away, cupping my cheek.
“Hey,” he released my hands, “stay with me, okay? We don’t have to—” But I was already sliding out from underneath him
Panic rose inside me, drowning me from the inside out. I could feel myself slipping backwards, into old habits, habits that had broken me so badly before.
What was I thinking?
My feet carried me, acting on instinct to get me away from the danger.
“Lola, wait!”
“Don’t!” I spun, wrenching my arm out of his grip, “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…it was a mistake.”
His eyes grew round, panic mirroring my own. “No, it wasn’t. It was you and me. Us. There’s nothing that’s a mistake about that.”
“It was a mistake to give you false hope.”
He blinked, a scowl forming on his face. “Really? That’s what that was?”
“Of course! You couldn’t…you can’t really think I’d ever want you back? Someone like you? I deserve better than someone like you,” I spat, poison spilling out of my mouth before I could stop it. Alfie studied me in the dark, unmoved.
“You’re pushing too hard, Lo. Your cracks are showing.”
How many times had I said the same thing to him? Is this what he’d felt when I’d taken a mallet to his walls? The same stomach churning fear, the same need to push the threat as far away as possible.
“Do you really think you can use my own defense mechanisms against me? This wasn’t a mistake. This was you behaving like me two and a half years ago. I was getting too close and you distracted me with sex, just like I used to do with you.”
The truth in his words stung. I felt like he was pulling me open and looking inside. “Stop it, Alfie.”
“And now you’re feeling guilty about it and taking it out on me.”
“Fuck you.” I bit the word out, the only weapon I had left.
“Go ahead. Push me away all you want. It won’t matter.
” He stared down at me, anger plain in his eyes but there was pain there too.
I wondered if he’d imagined us together again as often as I had, if he’d pictured how our mouths would meet again for the first time.
I’d teased him with that possibility and snatched it away.
I’d ruined that moment for him. I felt sick at myself but Alfie, my new, 2.
0 Alfie, stayed steady and strong where I was scattered and lost in the storm.
He pressed a fist to his stomach. “I’m solid. You can’t scare me away.”
I stared up at him, my breathing heavy, my core still aching. Every inch of my skin screamed to go to him, to find peace in his arms, but I couldn’t. “I’m going home.”
I could see him deciding whether to push it or not when finally, he gave me a short nod. “Fine, I’ll drive you.”
“I’ll make my own way.” I didn’t trust myself to get back in the car with him. Priya would tell me that was exactly why I needed to do it but Priya wasn’t here. It was just me, Alfie, and my crumbling walls between us. I spun on my heel but only made it two steps before he took my arm.
“Lola, don’t be stupid. You can’t?—”
“The reins are in my hands, remember?” I snapped, “I order you to let me go.”
After a moment, he relented.
“You can’t get rid of me, Lo,” he called after me as I walked away. “I’m shrapnel, remember? I’m stuck inside you and it doesn’t matter how much you run, I’ll always be a part of you.”
I was an idiot. A stupid, foolish idiot.
What had I been thinking? After everything he had done to me, the copious tears I’d cried.
Two years and four months spent lost in a pain-filled limbo and a few weeks with him back in my life had me ready to risk that all over again. Yeah, I was a damned fool.
I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, the taste of him still on my lips. His scent covered me, I wanted both to wriggle in it and douse myself in bleach.
I wondered if he was lying in his bed somewhere, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about me. No, that wasn’t really his style. He was probably in his office, working himself into an early grave whilst cursing my name over and over.
I didn’t know what to do. My mind warred so loudly I felt like I could scream. I didn’t know how to make sense of my thoughts except maybe…no, it was a stupid idea. Though she had said to call her anytime when she’d given me her card.
Reaching for my purse, I searched for Priya’s card, dialling the number before I could back out. The line connected and my words fell out of me before I could stop them.
“I kissed Alfie.”
There was a brief pause, a shuffling of bed linens before she spoke. “I’m presuming this is Lola O’Connell?”
“Yes. Sorry. It’s me.” There was a faint chuckle down the line as I imagined her sitting up in bed. At least she hadn’t yelled at me for waking her up after midnight.
“Alright. Would you like to tell me what happened?”
I sat on my bed, fingering a loose thread on my duvet. “We were in the car after our session with you and I was…I was trying to talk to him about how I was feeling but I panicked and then we kissed.”
“Who instigated that?”
“I did.”
“Really?
“Yes, well, he made the first move but I gave him the green light.”
“Why do you think you did that?” Her question made me pause, I stared at the loose thread playing between my fingers.
“I just wanted to feel better.”
“And now? How do you feel?”
“Shitty.” There was a pause as she waited for me to elaborate. “I feel like I’m asking to get hurt again.”
“But that’s nothing new for you, you’ve been doing that since you invited Alfie back into your life. So, what are you feeling besides fear?”
“Frustration,” I told her. “With myself for letting him in.”
“Again, that's nothing new for you. What else?”
I sighed, annoyance creeping in. The same annoyance I'd felt when she’d picked my mind apart during our session. “Anger. I’m angry with him for doing this. For creating this whole situation. Angry at myself for letting him touch my body again.”
“Hmm. Well, that makes sense. How do you imagine Alfie is feeling right now?”
“The same.” It hurt to think of Alfie feeling as lost and lonely as I did right now.
“Angry with you or himself?”
“Me,” I answered.
“Why?” she asked and once again I had to pause to consider her question. I thought of how he’d looked at me tonight, a mixture of fear, disappointment and anger.
“For leading him on.”
“Ah, I wonder then if your anger is misplaced. Perhaps you’re less angry with yourself for giving in and more angry with yourself for acting in what could be perceived as a manipulative manner. You dipped your toes in Alfie’s dirty shoes tonight, that can’t have felt good.”
My immediate reaction was to slam the phone down.
I was nothing like Alfie, I would never manipulate people the way he did.
Not on purpose anyway. Despite my urge to pull away from her ugly truth, I forced myself to look at it, at what I’d done tonight.
She was right. When faced with my walls being taken down, I’d distracted us with sex.
I’d taken us back to old habits, not Alfie, me.
“I guess this is why Alfie pays you the big bucks, huh?”
“Something like that,” she chuckled. “Lola, speak to Alfie and make your intentions clear. Honesty and communication is paramount for the two of you.”
I felt the knot in my stomach begin to loosen. Already my head felt clearer, even if I didn’t like what was inside it right now. “Thank you, Priya. I’m sorry I woke you up.”
“Hey, that’s why Alfie pays me the big bucks.”
We hung up and before I could lose my nerve, I rang Alfie. He answered on the first ring.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out the words, his answer was a stunned silence.
“For kissing me or for running?”
“Both.”
Alfie sighed and I heard the creak of an office chair. I knew he’d be working. “Don’t apologise for the kiss, Lo. You can’t learn to trust without test driving me first. I get it.” A test drive? That was an easier way to look at it.
“Thank you for stopping.”
“Of course. Thank you for calling me. I’ve been out of my mind.
” He’d been out of his mind but he hadn’t called me.
I knew how desperate he must have been to swoop in and regain control but he hadn’t, he’d fought it for me.
For us. To move us forward and keep us away from the bad behaviours that had broken us before.
“This experiment of Priya’s is going really well, right?”
“For me? Yeah. It’s only been a few hours and already I’ve had you voluntarily kiss me and then voluntarily admit you fucked up. I should give Priya a raise, she might have us married by the end of the week.”
I snorted, a burst of laughter lightening my tired heart. “Are you developing a sense of humour, Mr Tell?”
“I bought one actually. It cost a fortune but I thought it was about time I joined the human race.”
I giggled again. “What’s gotten into you, Alfie?”
“I’m making you laugh, like you told me to do.”
My laughter faded and my chest swelled with a deep ache. Days ago, I’d challenged him in his office to make me laugh–had he been thinking about this all week?
Alfie…
“You should sleep, baby,” he said, changing the subject.
“So should you. Let me guess, you’re at the office?”
“An empire can’t run itself.”
“You’re going to die in that office chair, you know that?”
He gave a low chuckle. “Go to bed, Lo.”
“Can you stay with me?” The question was out of my mouth before it had formed in my mind, as if my body was taking over, stating its wants and telling my brain to shut the hell up. “Just while I fall asleep?” I amended. “We don’t need to talk, can you just be here?”
There was a pause and for one long moment, I thought he was about to turn me down, but then he spoke. “Put me on speaker.”
I did as he asked.
“Are you in bed?”
“Yeah. I just can’t sleep.”
“Close your eyes. Let me see if I can get this right.” Get what right?
Before I could ask, he continued, his voice low and gentle.
“I want you to imagine you’re in your bedroom at my house.
Your nightmares are worse than usual, you’re worrying about your project, about Natalie and Ryan, about Keira.
You toss and turn, your mind so restless you can’t relax. ”
“Alfie, what are you doing?”
“Just humour me, okay?” He sounded determined but the shake in his voice betrayed his nerves.
“I come home late from work and as soon as you see me, the tension begins to leave you. I strip out of my clothes and slide in bed beside you. You nestle into my arms, the safest place in the world because in your imagination, I’ve never hurt you.
I’ve never lied or let you down. I’m your safest place. ”
My heart swelled as I realised what he was doing. He was doing for me what I’d done for him so long ago, giving back what I’d given to him that night I’d told him about the Evergarden. The night he’d said was the best of his life.
“Imagine my skin touching yours, imagine—” his voice broke off and my heart broke with it.
He was trying so hard. “Imagine it doesn’t scare you.
Imagine you rest your head on my chest and the steady rhythm of my heart soothes you to sleep.
I brush my fingers along your spine, coaxing the tension away.
I kiss the top of your head, pulling you as close as I can.
Sleep takes you so deep your ghosts can’t haunt you. ”
His voice was so soothing, like warm milk. I nestled into my pillow, my eyes growing heavy, my warring thoughts and jangled nerves settling as he spoke.
“Imagine your hair isn’t red anymore, but a soft grey and our bodies aren’t strong like they used to be, but we don’t care, because this is how we’ve spent every night of the rest of our lives, just because I saw a girl and knew she was mine and you saw a man and knew he was your safest place.”
The picture he painted burned bright in my mind, the image so powerful. Could we really have that? The hope that we might one day was almost too painful to bear.
“Alfie…”
“I’m here, I’ll always be here.” He didn’t want me picking his fantasy apart as he knew my insecurities were about to do. “Sleep, baby.”
I snuggled under the duvet. Alfie didn’t speak again, but he stayed with me and somehow, the thought of him back in my bed, back in my life, didn’t seem as terrifying tonight as it once had.