Chapter 43 #2
“Everything in moderation, Alfie. You can take me to the edge of insanity, we just can’t live there.
” That was the one thing she didn’t understand, getting back from the edge had never been an issue with anyone else.
Just her. It was the one place where nothing existed but her and where nothing existed for her but me–why would I ever want to leave a place like that?
“What do you need?”
“Nothing that this new version of me can ask of you,” I muttered.
“And the old version?”
Why would she ask me that? She looked at me like she knew she was playing with fire but carried on anyway. “Would tell you to promise never to leave me.”
She swallowed, apprehension shining in her eyes. “Is that really what you want?”
Was it? I’d filled her head with nothing but me before and it had broken both of us. “I thought it was but no. I just have some shit I’m dealing with. Performance anxiety, I suppose.”
Her mouth quirked up in a small smile. “You? The great Alfie Tell?”
“Not physically, mentally. I want you, I’m just not sure if I’m ready to have you. If I can live up to expectations.”
I’d promised her so much, now it was time to come through and I didn’t feel equipped. I’d promised her I was a good man but I was still a liar.
“Alfie, my expectations are just that you be honest and decent. That you don’t manipulate me or lie to me.”
I’d already failed at that.
“Then I should tell you that I could have told those reporters you were staying at the hotel with me but I let them think you were at your apartment.” It was a test to tell her that, a small test. Two and a half years ago, that little manipulation would be cause for a huge argument, now I wasn’t so sure.
“So that I couldn’t go back there and would be forced to come here instead?
” she asked and I nodded. I watched her, waiting for the blow up but once again, my Lo surprised me.
“You don’t need to do that anymore. You want me here, just ask me.
Is this what you’re really not ready for?
Trusting that I’m yours and letting go of all your schemes to get me back? ”
How did she do that? How did she just lay out my innermost thoughts like chalk drawings on the pavement? I frowned, trying to figure out thoughts that she already understood. “Manipulation is my safety net.”
She nodded slowly. “It’s time to work without the net, Alfie.”
I stared up into those clear blue eyes. She was right. It was time to let this go. She wanted to move forward, she was ready to move forward. What I’d done, watching her the way I had, was a gross violation, but she didn’t need to know.
It wasn’t hurting her, it was saving me. Having twenty four hour access to her kept me from losing my mind, which enabled me to give her the freedom she wanted. It was time to move on, let the cameras be a separate thing, just one of the many things I shielded her from.
I’d spent days, weeks, fighting this feeling, fighting the cruel eyes of my dead tormentors.
My Lo was here and she wanted me. It was time to take that step with her.
I felt an old part of me rumble awake. The part of me that played harder than anyone else. I was nervous, it always surprised me that sex with Lo could make me nervous.
I gripped her waist, moving her until she straddled me.
Her skirt rode up and it was all I could do not to unzip my trousers, rip her tights and have her sink down on me.
But I held back, not just because we needed to go slow, but because despite everything, I still wasn’t ready to have her on top.
She deserved to be worshipped, not the other way around.
“Let me see if I can still remember how to do this.”
I lifted a leg, nudging her forward until she rested over my growing erection. I watched a shiver tremble through her body, her gaze grow hazy with lust.
Fuck, I’d missed this.
She shifted, almost without meaning to, pressing herself down she rubbed her needy pussy on me. She did it without thought, without intention. I loved her like this, when her instincts took over and she let her wants guide her. Before she could be embarrassed, I encouraged her.
“Again, baby.”
She did as I asked and my cock hardened, becoming steel underneath her. I relaxed back in my chair, running my gaze over her. The swell of her breasts under her sweater, the flare of her hips, the delicate turn of her collarbone, the part in her lips.
Mine, all of it mine.
I wanted to squeeze and kiss every part of her but I held back, taking my time. I needed to re-acquaint myself with her body first.
I released a breath, easing myself back into my old skin. Pressure to get this right weighed heavy and I willed it away. I needed to act on instinct just like the raw creature resting on my dick did.
I let my hands move on their own, drifting to her waist. I squeezed and her breath hitched. I watched her, applying more pressure, her skin flushing as I stole her breath away. She loved the edge.
I let my hands roam again, cupping her heavy breasts. Her thighs tightened as I brushed my thumbs over her swollen tips.
“Alfie…” She gasped.
“Slow…slow your breathing, Lo,” I soothed her, I didn’t want her wild, I wanted her steady and heated, a slow devouring not a manic feasting. “This isn’t going to be quick.”
I cupped her face and the little devil slipped her lips over my thumb, mimicking what I’d never yet let her do to me. She wanted my cock in her mouth and she didn’t even know it but her body did. She gripped my thumb with her teeth, a taunt, a dare.
I rose to the challenge and moved my hand to her throat. Her lashes fluttered but didn’t close, she couldn’t take her eyes off me, couldn’t break this moment. My other hand pulled the tie out of her hair, freeing it. I wound it around my fist and gripped it tight.
I had her now.
Her body became jelly, malleable dough. I could do anything I wanted with it.
She rolled her hips, desperately seeking release that I wasn’t ready to give her. Her gaze dropped to my mouth, she wanted it. She wanted it on her own, she wanted it pulling on her clit until she gushed over me.
I didn’t move, I just watched her, watched her breathe and blink slow.
I’d missed her, I’d missed my girl. I’d missed her body in my arms, a body she’d only returned to me because she trusted me now. Trusted me when she shouldn’t.
I could feel the ghost of my father smirking at me from the screens, laughing at me for thinking I wouldn’t grow up to be a cruel fuck like him.
“You’ve still got it,” she breathed, pulling me away from those dark thoughts. Her. Just focus on her. Nothing else matters, nothing exists for me but her. Not cameras, not ghosts, not secrets, nothing. “Take me, Alfie, please.”
“You need me?” I tightened my grip, forcing myself to hold onto her.
“I always need you.” Those words did something to me, awakened a part of me that was innately male. To be needed.
“You want me?”
“Alfie…” She ground down on me, lost in her passion for me.
“Do you love me?” The question fell out of me without consent. She froze and so did I, watching a swarm of conflict swim behind her eyes.
I knew the answer already, I saw it in her smile, her eyes, her kisses. I knew it but suddenly, words that I’d waited years to hear, had imagined a billion times, suddenly I couldn’t bear to hear them. The thought of her saying it sickened me.
“I…”
I swallowed her words, pulling her to me and I pressed her mouth to mine. I gripped her waist and stood, taking her with me. She clung to me as I carried her to my room, my mouth never leaving hers.
I lay her out on the bed, watching her stare up at me from Egyptian cotton sheets.
The screens were bigger in here, their taunting smiles bigger too. They smirked, watching me get ready to fuck the woman I was already violating.
I gritted my teeth, forcing them away. She was all that mattered.
This was it. It was finally happening but still I felt Charles’ presence, I felt my father. This wasn’t a violation. It wasn’t . She wanted me, and I cared about her more than anything on this earth. I had to do this, had to move on the way she wanted me to.
I doubted she noticed the way she raised her knees, spreading them slightly. Even dressed in a sweater and an old skirt she was the hottest thing on the planet. I removed her boots before finally accepting her invitation and settling myself between her thighs.
The brazen creature slipped a hand between us, unbuckling my belt. She made quick work of my tie and opened my shirt, smoothing her hand inside and over my skin. She held me to her, keeping me safe.
I needed her skin on mine with a deep hunger. I pulled her sweater over her head. Her hair settling in firelit curls around her face, her skin sweet and ivory, breasts pressing against her bra, straining to get to me.
I pulled off my shirt, her gaze burning on my body.
I fell back to her, willing myself to fall into her the way I once had.
I needed her to shield me from their eyes, their smirks.
I consumed her, her tongue hot on mine, her moans heavy.
Her chest shuddered, her back arched. I moved to her throat, relishing her gasps as I littered pleasure so pure it glittered over her body.
This was wrong, it was so wrong.
I hesitated for barely a second at that thought before I forced myself on.
I gripped her skirt, her tights and pulled them off.
Her legs, sweet and soft, opened for me.
Her core was right there, swollen through her underwear.
I knew underneath the cotton that those folds would be plush and pink, wet and waiting.
I’d dreamed of this part of her more times than I could count, I’d missed the taste of her on my tongue.
“Alfie…” Her voice was a barb, a cut in my barely coloured-in heart. I couldn’t bear it. I cut off anymore words, swallowing her breathy moans as if they would keep me alive.
I wanted to consume her, to let her exorcise the tainted soul out of me and fill it with her own purity.
My own gasps fell between our lips, pained and panicked. A delicate hand cupped my cheek, taking what I needed to give but trying to soothe me too. I couldn’t stand it. Her sweetness gutted me. I wrenched her hands above her head, keeping her from making me feel more guilty than I already did.
I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. Stopping meant the end. Stopping meant losing her. I couldn’t go through that again. That ghost I’d been reduced to after she left.
I pressed into her, letting her feel the length of me, she moaned, moving her hips to meet me.
She wanted me, she needed me, she was mine. She trusted me. The reality of that hit me square in the chest. Lola O’Connell trusted me and I was betraying her.
I pulled away.
What was I doing?
I didn’t know, all I knew was that as soon as I stopped, their smirks froze.
I felt split, half of me screaming to get back to her, the other half forcing me away.
She stared up at me, lost and confused. “Alfie? What is it?”
“I can’t.” I choked on the words, wishing I could swallow them back down but knowing they needed to come out. “I can’t, Lo. I’m sorry.”
I pulled away, standing in the middle of the room. Wanting to run before I let the truth come out but needing to stay.
I felt them watching me through those fucking screens, laughing at me. They wouldn’t stop, I just wanted peace, I just wanted them to leave me alone.
My Lo screamed my name and it wasn’t until then I saw the blood on my hand, the shattered screen. Had I done that?
She ran to me but I pulled away from her.
“Don’t!” My voice cracked, straining with secrets. She stared at me, eyes round and large. Was I crying? I ran a clean hand over my cheeks finding them hot and wet.
What was wrong with me?
“What is going on? Please tell me, you’re scaring me.”
No, no, no. That was the last thing I wanted.
I wanted to scream, to bash my brains out on the wall. I’d done this again. Two and a half years, countless hours in therapy and I was right back where I’d started.
“You said you didn’t want to know.” I didn’t know where the words came from, my tongue felt like a puppet.
The last remaining piece of me that wanted to keep the truth from her.
But it was time. It just wasn’t time to move on like the cameras didn’t exist. It was time to really become that good man.
‘It’s time to work without the net, Alfie.’
Yeah baby, it is.
I can do this.
I tried to steady my breaths. I would be calm. If I was about to shatter her into a thousand pieces, I would be calm. Let her shatter around me, let me ground her as I yanked the earth out from under her. That’s what she would need.
I looked at my girl, soaking in the affection in her eyes, it might be the last time she ever looked at me like that. I had to jump and trust she would catch me. I had no choice.
“I have to show you something.”
I pulled my phone from my pocket and swiped the screen, my palms sweating as I opened the app and the screens came to life around us.
I stiffened my spine, forcing myself to look at her, forcing myself to watch as she broke. I wouldn’t shy away from the damage I’d done.
I stood there, feeling myself morph into something stronger, someone new. I stood there and shed the last remnants of a broken man.