Chapter 44
Forty-Four
I couldn’t process what I was seeing.
Me at work.
Me eating breakfast in my kitchen.
Me brushing my hair.
Me sleeping.
Me at the supermarket.
Me. Me. Me. Me.
The screens changed, presenting new images. A never ending slideshow of…me.
“What have you done?” Was that my voice? How did I sound so calm?
“I’ve been having you watched.” He pressed another button and the screens switched to my empty apartment. “The cameras give me a constant live feed of you.”
This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t…but it was.
The screens switched back to the slideshow and my face plastered on every screen refused to let me believe otherwise.
“How long?” My voice cracked as the room began to spin. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t fucking breathe.
“Since we separated?—”
“No.” My world was crashing down on me. All this time. All this fucking time. I could feel a tsunami bubbling up inside of me, a tidal wave of lava-like rage that threatened to end us both.
“I had Elliot set up a security team to watch you and follow you?—”
“No.”
“I didn’t intend for it to go on like this but I missed you so much, it?—”
“NO!” I screamed. Screaming felt good. My head fell into my hands. I couldn’t think, couldn’t process this.
My skin crawled, my stomach turned over. I felt nauseous. I felt Alfie scrutinise every inch of me, diagnosing my reaction, figuring out how to fix this. There was no fixing this.
The screens surrounded me, showing me my own face again and again and again. I felt like I was trapped in a carousel of my own blissful ignorance.
My legs gave out and I slumped onto the bed, the bed where we’d almost…
I doubled over, feeling bile rise in my throat. I stared at the floor with unseeing eyes. I felt numb, my mind racing yet empty. All I could see was the steady drip of red onto white tile.
“You’re hurt.” My voice wasn’t my own, my tongue felt like a ghost in my mouth.
Alfie lifted his hand to look at it but I couldn’t follow, couldn’t look up, couldn’t bear to see his face.
It was as if my vision cut him off at the chest, sparing me the agony of seeing his eyes.
“You should wash it off in the bathroom sink…and stay in there while I dress.”
I was unnerved at how calm I sounded, I wondered if he was calm too. His chest didn’t heave like mine, it was still, deceptively still. Everything about this man was deceptive.
He paused for what felt like an eternity before he finally retreated to the en suite. He pushed the door behind him but didn’t click it shut. The screens went blank a moment later and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Carefully, as if I might break, I dressed. Returning clothes to my skin felt like a ritual reclaiming of my own body. A body he’d stolen.
How much had he watched me? During my most intimate moments? I imagined him watching me bathing, dressing. How many members of his security team had seen me go to the bathroom?
The now blank screens stared at me like two way mirrors, invisible eyes watching me try not to crumble.
Still without a plan, my gaze landed on the small pool of blood. On unsteady legs I went to the intercom and pressed the button. Ada’s soft tone came through the line, along with the clinking of cutlery and Elliot in the background asking if he could have seconds.
“Ada, do you have a first aid kit? Alfie has cut his hand.”
“Oh! Yes of course, I’ll be right up.” There was a soft click as she hung up.
“Lo, are you dressed?” Alfie came in, not waiting for a response, a hand towel wrapped around his injury. I felt his eyes on me but I didn’t meet them. I kept my back to the wall, feeling safer that way.
I wanted to leave, I s hould leave, but my feet stayed glued to the floor for one simple reason. He was hurt. Despite everything, I couldn't leave until I knew he was taken care of.
The silence stretched between us, a familiar chasm that I thought we’d banished forever. How stupid I was for thinking we were different now.
“We should call Priya.” His voice was too steady, too soothing, as if he was approaching a wounded animal.
I almost burst out laughing. Not even Priya and her magical powers could fix this. What was it she’d said to Alfie?
‘ If you find yourself in danger of compromising her again, cut off contact immediately.’
He’d agreed. He’d lied.
“Lola, say something.” The fear in his voice was unmistakable but I couldn’t bear to look at him.
I could only play over every moment in my mind, trying to figure out how I could have missed this.
He’d played it so well. I remembered that at our first meeting, he’d asked me if I’d slept with anyone since him.
I knew now that of course, he already knew the answer.
He just wanted to know if I’d lie about it.
There was a soft knock at the door and Ada came in, a first aid kit in hand. Her motherly gaze immediately went to Alfie.
“Oh, what have you done? Let me take a look.”
“I’m fine, Ada, I can take care of it,” he said as she removed the blood-soaked towel.
“Alfie, that’s going to need stitches! What happened?” She sent a questioning look my way. Her gaze fell on the glass on the floor, then to the broken screen. Recognition fell over her face.
With a sinking feeling I realised that she’d known. She’d known all along. And so had Elliot. My illusion of the two of them as trusted parental figures shattered like fine china.
“Oh, Lola, I’m so sorry?—”
“Ada,” Alfie cut her off, “can you have Elliot call the Doctor please. Also ask him to direct the reporters away from Lola’s apartment.”
With a distraught look on her face, she left the room, leaving me alone with the man of my nightmares. This wasn’t the man I’d fantasized about, this was the one who had haunted my dreams.
I’d fooled myself into thinking that man was gone, but he wasn’t.
He stepped towards me. The audacity of it angered me, the nerve he had to come near me, but still I couldn't find it in myself to react. To shout or cry or even run. I just stood there, numb.
It was gone. All his promises, my dreams of us, it was all gone.
No, that wasn’t true. It wasn’t gone. It had never been there in the first place. It was all smoke and mirrors.
“Lo, please look at me.” He stood close, as if he had the goddamn right. I flinched when he touched me, tight fingers on my jaw, forcing my face to his. “You’re still my girl.”
Some part of me clenched, twisting and writhing to get near to him, but I didn’t respond. I felt hollow, as if he’d scooped my guts out like a pumpkin and carved his own image on my skin.
For the first time, I looked him in the eye. He still looked like my Alfie. But he wasn’t. Not anymore.
I pulled away, he stared at me, desperation plain in his eyes. I side stepped him and grabbed the door handle to leave, but he was there, his hand on the door, holding it shut.
“Don’t, Lo.” His voice was a whispered sob, his breath hot on my neck. “We’ve come so far. Please don’t run.”
I turned slowly, looking at the man I’d been stupid enough to trust. He made me sick. But he wanted me to talk? Fine, I could talk.
“You’re just like your brother, Alfie.” He flinched but he didn’t move away.
The shrapnel throbbed in my chest. “You draw women in with your beauty and your charm and then you break them into little pieces. You're worse than Charles, because at least he knew he was a monster.” I ran my disgusted gaze over him, wishing I could scrub away the dirt I saw on every inch of him now, but I couldn’t.
“I’m not running, Alfie. I’m just leaving. Now, let me go.”
He stepped back immediately. A weaker man might have looked at the floor, hanging his head in shame, but not Alfie. He looked his wreckage square in the eye.
“I know you’re hurting, despite how calm you’re trying to appear. When the storm hits, I’ll be there. I will make this right, I promise.”
“Another Alfie Tell promise,” I said, “just as worthless as the last one.”
Without another glance, I turned and left the room. I walked away from him, my head spinning. He’d manipulated me again. Violated me again. And I’d let him. Again.
I was a fool. A damned fool.
I winced at the sound of breaking glass coming from the bedroom I’d just left. Alfie yelled and another crash followed but I didn’t turn back. Let the King tear up his palace. I was too numb to care.
I descended the stairs and made it to the small corridor leading to the lift, my bag and coat were still hung up where I'd left them.
I slipped them on quickly, my fingers too clumsy to do up the buttons.
I stared at my shaking hands. I squeezed my eyes and shook my head.
I was in shock, that much I knew. For now, shock was good.
Let it keep the pain at bay for as long as possible.
“Miss?” Elliot’s voice was unusually hesitant. I turned to face him, the man who’d helped Alfie infiltrate every private moment of my life. “I can’t imagine how angry you are right now but would you like a lift home? Or can I call you a taxi?”
“No, thank you, Elliot.” I wanted to scream and trash the place but I refused. I turned and walked out.
The stars shone bright above me, as happy in their blissful ignorance as I had been. I walked aimlessly, not even feeling my feet hit the ground. Before I knew it, I was lost.
I swallowed, forcing the lump in my throat away. I couldn’t just wander around all night but where could I go? There were cameras in my apartment.
A chill crawled over my skin. There were cameras in my fucking home.
He’d seen every time I’d cried over him, every conversation Keira and I had about him.
I couldn’t go back there. But where? He’d spread poison into every inch of my life and made it all unsafe.
My work, my old house, my apartment. Even walking down the street, getting on the tube…
I felt a scream rip out of my throat. Just like that, I was two and half years ago, running away from him in the Evergarden having just had my heart ripped out.
I bent double, trying to catch my breath.
‘Breathe, baby.’
His voice was poison in my ear, an insidious spell. I straightened, forcing myself to stay whole. I could feel curtains twitching, eyes of the affluent residents of this neighbourhood judging me.
I kept walking.
Keira .
Keira was my first stop. Keira was going to tear Alfie apart when she found out but I didn’t even consider not telling her. I wouldn’t keep secrets from her again.
I pulled out my phone to call her. The battery was almost empty but it held out long enough for Keira to miss three of my calls before it died.
I couldn’t call a taxi, couldn’t find my way. So I just walked, waiting to see a bus stop, a tube station, anything. I didn’t care.
Alfie…
How could he do this to me?
I could have slapped myself for thinking something so stupid. Of course he’d done this to me. This is what he was, I was just the idiot that thought he’d changed.
Raindrops began to fall, light little tears from the sky, crying for me.
He’d stalked me, just like Adam. Worse than Adam. He’d never been separated from me, never been without me. He’d gorged himself on parts of me I hadn't offered.
I don’t know how long I walked but eventually the mansions made way for extravagant townhouses. The streets were quiet and I was glad for that.
My mind was a violent yet silent place, like watching a horror film with the sound muted.
That sweet silence was cut by girlish giggles as a limousine pulled up. A girl in a ball gown fell out of the car and tripped up the stairs to her front door.
I kept walking. It hadn’t dawned on me before how out of place I was in this part of the city. Me and my second hand skirt didn’t belong here.
The limousine set off slowly, too slowly, keeping pace with me.
Fear began to build in my stomach. The horn beeped and I closed my eyes, hating the sinking feeling in my gut.
The car slowed next to me and I pulled my arms around myself, preparing to be jeered at by rich boys, when a familiar voice hit my ears.
“Hey, trouble.”
I paused. “Kal?”
Kal Strauss grinned at me as he climbed out of the car, resting one arm on the door. “You look like someone rode you rough and put you out wet.” His blond hair looked a little dishevelled, his shirt half open. “You lost?”
I stared at him for a moment, speechless that the night had somehow brought us together. “I guess so.”
Kal studied me, that scrutinising gaze reminding me too much of someone else. His playful teasing faded just a little. “Come on, I’ll have my driver give you a ride home.”
“I don’t want to go home.” I clenched my fists, imagining myself sitting in my apartment, Alfie watching my every move. He might as well be peeping at me through a hole in the wall. A worrying thought occurred to me and I glanced up at Kal, suddenly suspicious. “Did Alfie send you?”
“Alfie? No.” He laughed. “If Alfie was going to send anyone after you, it absolutely wouldn’t be me.”
“Why?” I asked and Kal shrugged.
“He knows how badly I want to fuck you.” He smiled easily, he really was incredibly handsome. Not like Alfie. Alfie was a marble carved Adonis. Kal looked like the bi-product of a night of passion between an angel and a viking. “So, if you don’t want to go home, where do you want to go?”
Anywhere without cameras. Where could that possibly be? “Somewhere I’ve never been before.”
His grin spread wider, a delightful wickedness there. “Done.” He opened the door, I stared at the invitation, knowing that accepting it could bring only trouble. I didn’t care. I took his hand, his skin smooth against my own and got into the car.
It might bring trouble but it would bring distraction too and right now, that was exactly what I needed.