Chapter 58
Fifty-Eight
I awoke surrounded by Alfie’s memories. The sun was setting outside, casting a burnt orange glow across the room. I must have slept the day away.
For the first time in a long time, my future with Alfie felt solid.
Would I be insane to consider this? After everything he’d done, could he really be trusted? I wasn’t sure, yet giving him the chance didn’t seem as dangerous as it had a week ago.
I studied the framed sketches of our Evergarden he'd hung on the wall. The girl who drew those had a head full of dreams and a heart full of hope that all of them would come true. I wanted to be that girl again.
A knock on my door disturbed my thoughts. I shuffled off the bed and opened it, finding Alfie on the other side. I fought the urge to throw myself into his arms. We weren’t there yet.
“What are you doing here?”
He arched a brow at me. “This is my house.”
“I know but I…I thought you would be in Dubai for a few more days.”
Alfie stood quiet, the darkness of the hallway shrouding him. “That was the plan.”
But something had changed…that’s what he left unsaid. My stomach started to churn wondering what could be wrong but before I could speak, his gaze drifted to the pile of journals scattered across the bed.
“I’m sorry, maybe I should have asked first. Are you angry?”
“No, my life is yours, as are my secrets.” The weight of those words wasn’t lost on me. The man who had once hidden everything now lay it all bare. Once again, I could see those clear skies ahead. “What prompted this?”
The answer to that wasn’t simple. We needed to have this conversation but I didn’t want to do it in a doorway. “Come in, we can talk in here.”
His brows knitted but before I could ask what was wrong, he stepped inside. I watched his eyes skirt around the room like a child with his hand in the cookie jar. This was my room, a space he’d promised he would never enter without an invitation. I’d thought he’d be pleased I allowed him in.
“So,” I started, taking a deep breath, “I came over last night because all week I’ve been trying to process…
well, everything. One of the things that hurt me the most about all of this is that you continued the lie about the cameras even after you came back into my life.
But yesterday a thought occurred to me and I needed to find out if it was true.
” I picked up one of the journals and held it out to him.
“You tried to tell me about the cameras right at the beginning…you did tell me.”
He took the book, scanning the page before tossing it onto the bed. “Not explicitly I didn’t, Lola. I didn’t tell you what to read and when I confessed about my father and brother, I let you think they were the biggest secrets in there.”
I frowned. This wasn’t the reaction I’d expected. “I know that but you?—”
“It’s not an excuse for my behaviour so please don’t use it as one.” His teeth gritted in frustration. “This doesn’t absolve me of guilt. I need you to understand that.”
“I do, I just…what’s going on?” I folded my arms over my chest, that sick feeling in my stomach growing. “I thought you’d be happy I’d found a reason not to hate you.”
“Maybe you should hate me.” He paced the room, tension humming around him like a thick cloud. “Maybe I shouldn’t be in this room at all.”
“I want you to be.”
“But you shouldn’t!” he snapped and I flinched. “I’m sorry.” He rubbed a hand over his jaw. “Lola, I have this sick feeling in my gut and it’s been there for months, growing. I thought it would go away when I told you about the cameras but it's lingering.”
“Yeah it's called guilt.”
“It’s more than that.” He shook his head, his grey eyes swimming with conflict. “There are moments between us when it’s so perfect, you’re right there and I look at you and I feel…”
“Home,” I finished for him.
He looked up, a bittersweet smile playing around his mouth. “Yes, but what I’m realising is that what I feel for you has the power to turn me back into the person I’ve worked so hard not to be and you…” he trailed off again, looking at me in a way that had my skin growing cold.
“And I what?” I asked, fighting to keep the tremor out of my voice.
“I can’t trust you because what you feel has you acting like someone you don’t want to be either.”
I stared at him. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Look at what you’ve done. You thought about kissing me, in front of a slideshow of photos I took of you behind your back. Now you’re here, in my house, acting like you could forgive me because I technically gave you the opportunity to find out what I’d done, like it matters.”
All of that was true but that didn’t mean I was a doormat. “I’m not saying I forgive you, I’m saying maybe I can stop hating you. I’m trying to find peace for myself, isn't that what you want?” I was desperate for him to understand but Alfie just scoffed.
“When have I ever brought you peace?” he said, echoing my own words. The venom in his voice stunned me, venom that was aimed entirely at himself. He paced the room again and I let him, giving him the space he needed to find the right words but when they finally came, I wished I hadn’t.
“I thought I was ready, Lo.” His voice was soft and when he looked at me, his eyes told me he was sorry, so sorry for his words. “I thought I’d done the work and I was ready but I’m not.”
I stared at him in shock, unable to comprehend what he might mean. “Alfie, what are you saying?”
He was silent for a long moment and time seemed to both stand still and yet rush.
“I’m saying I need to know that I can be without you.”
Just like that, my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach, my knees began to shake. This wasn’t happening. Not again.
“I need to know I can be healthy on my own, happy on my own.”
“You can’t be doing this. After all that you’ve dragged me through, now you suddenly decide you don’t want me anymore?”
“Don’t want you?” Anger flashed across his face.
He grabbed my wrist and pressed my hand against his crotch.
His cock grew quickly under my touch. “Does this feel like I don’t want you?
” He pulled away, disgust with himself plain in his eyes.
“It’s hard to fucking breathe without you, Lola.
I can’t sleep, I don’t eat, I can’t think clearly.
” His chest heaved with the effort of forcing these words out, as if his mind and body was at war.
He met my eyes, ocean-deep pain rich there.
“I want you more than I have ever wanted anything…but I want myself more.”
I didn’t dare speak, I felt like a deer in headlights. If I just stayed still, didn’t move or speak, I wouldn’t get hit. If I stayed in this moment, I was safe. The second I spoke I would move us forward and forward wasn’t a place I wanted to go.
I swallowed, my tongue too big in my mouth. “What happened to the three month deal you were so determined to see through?”
Alfie shook his head. “I should have never asked you to agree to that or held you to it, it wasn’t fair.”
“ Fair ? Since when did you give a shit about fair?” I spat. “Was it fair that you spent the last two years getting to see me, getting to keep me in your life while I went without you?”
“You think I got the better end of the deal?” He rounded on me, eyes blazing.
“Getting to see you but not touch you, watching you live your life without me? You know that—” He cut himself off, biting his words away.
“This is what I’m talking about. Look at us.
You lash out but you shouldn’t be fighting this, you know that I’m right. ”
“I don’t know anything. I think that I do but everytime I’m finding my feet, you go and pull the rug out from under me again.”
“I know.” He was sorry, I could see it etched in every corner of his face, but along with the sorrow was a resolute determination. He was really doing this.
“You’re really leaving me.”
“I’m doing this for us.” He cupped my face, forcing me to look at him. “Two and a half years ago you left me because I didn’t have the strength to end it myself when I knew I should. That’s what I’m doing, baby. We aren’t ready. I’m not ready.”
“So you’re just…you’re putting us on ice? Am I supposed to just wait?”
“No, you’re supposed to move on, like I’m going to.
Maybe we’ll see each other again one day and we’ll be ready, maybe we won’t…
” His voice cracked, his fists clenching as he fought to keep himself together.
“But we’ll be better. I need to be better, Lo.
Every second I’m with you I’m risking hurting you again and I can’t do that. ”
I let out a humourless laugh. “Fine.”
I grabbed my jacket from the bed but when I tried to pull it on, the sleeve turned inside out and my arm got caught up in it. I shook it, embarrassment burning on my cheeks. I didn’t want to be here. Gently, he took a hold of my arm and straightened out the sleeve so I could pull the jacket on.
He held my hand, as if marvelling at how small it was compared to his own. I ached to fall into his arms but I refused and pulled away.
“Please don't make this harder, Lo.”
“I’m making it easier,” I snapped. “You want me gone? Fine, I’m gone.”
“None of this is what I want but it’s what we need to do.” I couldn’t hear this. Every word was a mallet to my chest. He took my hand again, holding it tight. “Lo, if this is the last time I ever see you I need to tell you something.”
“Don’t.” I snatched my hand away. I knew what was coming and I couldn’t bear it.
“I lov?—”
“Don’t!” I yelled, cutting him off. “Don’t you dare say that when you’re leaving me.” I headed for the door but as I reached for the handle, his arms came around me. He pulled me away, planting himself between me and the door.
“I’m not letting you run, Lola. You need to hear this.”
“No!” I clamped my hands over my ears but he yanked them away, shaking me until I met his eyes, those clear steel greys that haunted my nightmares, filled my fantasies. He was leaving me…but he was still mine.
“I love you.”