Chapter 58 #2
My heart shattered, a deep searing pain. How many times had I dreamed of hearing those words? But not like this. I couldn’t stand it. He shook me again.
“I love you, do you hear me? Do you even understand what that means? It means I’m done with this shit.
I’m done with games and manipulation and ghosts.
I’m done with all the lies and the secrets, I am fucking done.
” He took a heated breath, his hands gripping me tighter.
“It means that I removed myself from your life once but I never removed you from mine.” His voice softened, cracking with the pain I knew he felt too.
“It means I love you, but I love myself enough now to be able to let you go. So I’m letting you go, for real this time. ”
“So let me go.” I tugged away from him and he let me but he didn’t move away from the door.
“Not like this. Not angry.”
“What else do you expect me to be? You put me through so much and for what? What was the point in any of it? What was the point of taking me to the club, or to therapy or making promises? What was the point of telling me about the cameras or building this room for me?” I looked around at the space he’d made, suddenly hating it.
“It was pointless, Alfie! This is pointless.”
I grabbed a vase of bleeding hearts and threw it against the wall.
The flowers lay dying on the floor but I didn’t stop.
I tore the room apart, choosing anger instead of the pain that would come with acceptance.
I grabbed my designs off the wall and threw it at the mirror, the glass smashed, shredding the paper.
Our Evergarden lay broken at my feet, a living embodiment of my destroyed dreams.
I felt him behind me, that warmth that always made me feel safe, no matter how angry I was. I was shaking as his arms came around me, shaking with the effort of keeping the pain away. He was leaving me. It was really over.
“Cry, baby.”
It was my final fight, a fight against the inevitable. I did cry, I sobbed and sank in his arms as he carried me to the bed. I held onto him as he lay me down and he didn’t fight, curling up beside me he held me tight as if he would never, ever let me go.
He held me for hours. We cried, we kissed, we never uttered a word and eventually, we slept. I awoke with the sun rise, my head aching and eyes burning from crying.
Alfie…
He was still here, the heavy rise and fall of his chest telling me he was fast asleep. I looked up at him, the fine lines around his eyes and faint circles showing his exhaustion.
Last night felt surreal. Had it really happened? This man that had been nothing short of obsessed with me since day one had finally let me go.
I lay there for the longest time, studying his face until it was committed to my deepest, safest memories.
He was right.
Finally, at the finish line, he’d become the man I wanted but the price of that was letting him go. He needed to do this next part alone. I would survive this. I could survive anything.
I cupped his cheek, my fingertips following the lines of those high cheekbones, his soft lips. I pressed my forehead to his, breathing him in one final time. His lips were warm against my own, meeting in the gentlest kiss so I didn’t wake him.
Biting my lip to keep from crying, I pulled myself away and out of the safe familiarity of his arms, a safety I would never feel again.
It didn’t feel right to sneak out while he slept, but waking him felt too dangerous. I couldn’t say goodbye to him again.
I hovered there, my heart hurting. My foot brushed against one of the journals and I picked it up. It was his most recent one, a few pages at the end were still empty.
Getting an idea, I took a pen from the desk and sat on the floor, wondering how I could find the words to tell him everything I wanted to say.
Alfie,
I haven’t left you yet and I’m already missing you more than words can say.
I want you to know I don’t hate you and that I understand why you’re doing this, even though it hurts. I want to thank you for being strong when I couldn’t. I want to say that I’m proud of you, of the man that you’ve become.
Those words you said to me, those three words, I will treasure them for as long as I live.
I’m going to keep them safe in my heart along with every other good piece of us.
Our Evergarden that will always exist in our minds, sailing with you on The Isabella, not watching Die Hard with you and you wearing those damned Hawaiian shorts.
I’m going to let every bad memory fade away, feathers on the wind. I don’t need to hold onto them anymore and neither do you.
Alfie Tell, you are the strongest person I have ever known.
I want you to know that if I see a headline someday that Alfie Tell is dating someone new, marrying someone new, having a baby with someone new, I’m going to be so fucking happy for you.
If you find someone that makes you happy I give you my blessing to make them yours and to hold onto that happiness for the rest of your life.
I’m sorry I’ve never said those three words back to you but I want you to know this, if we ever do see each other again either by chance or design, if I’m ready and free to be yours I’ll say them, because they’ll always be true. You’ve earned them.
Your Lo.
Alfie turned over in his sleep, facing me, one hand clutching his pillow, the other roaming the bed as he searched for me. I waited for him to wake up but he didn’t, he sighed and settled, his hand no longer looking for me.
My lip trembled and I bit down on it hard. It was time.
I moved silently, as if I was the last of his ghosts, and lay the journal on the bedside table next to him. My stomach lurched as I tore myself away. At the door I hesitated, allowing myself one last moment to look back at him.
Despite the tsunami of pain heading my way, I knew at that moment that he was going to be alright…and so was I.