Chapter 59
Fifty-Nine
I felt lost, a nomadic wanderer.
I didn’t belong with Alfie.
Alfie didn’t belong with me.
In a daze, I found my way home, the birds tweeting, welcoming the Sunday morning. I stared at my apartment door. On the other side of that door was Keira and I knew what would happen if I told her. She would have my back and hold my hand but I would cry and mourn and be miserable. Again.
There would be a time for that but it wasn’t now.
I slumped onto the steps. Was this really happening?
Alfie…
For the first time, he felt lost to me. For the last two and a half years I’d been cut off from him, but that was through choice and somewhere in the back of my mind I’d known that if I wanted to, I could contact him and he would return to me.
Now, I was bereft of him. It wouldn’t matter if I cried or begged or streaked naked across a football pitch on live television, he wasn’t coming back to me.
Underneath the pain, I knew it was right.
My apartment seemed like an alien planet to me and for the second time in a week, I found myself heading for the train station. I needed to go back home. To be with Ryan who knew nothing about this and would distract me, to my sister who would give me the space I needed.
Lost in a daze, I caught a train and a few hours later, I was back at my old house. I pulled out my phone as I walked up the garden path. My texts to Natalie had gone unanswered, as had my phone calls, so I could only assume she was still asleep.
The sun was just rising as I let myself in, careful not to let my keys jingle. I left the lights off and tiptoed to the kitchen. A muffled sound came from the living room and I paused. I squinted and found Natalie napping on the couch.
No…wait.
She wasn’t napping at all and she definitely wasn’t alone.
I started to back out of the room but her eyes drifted open and landed on me. She let out an ear-splitting scream that matched my own. Riley jumped up from his position between her legs.
“Shit! I am so sorry.” I backed away, squeezing my eyes shut and mentally bleaching my brain.
“Lola! Jesus…” Natalie panted, I could hear her scrambling back into her clothes.
“I saw nothing!” With my hand over my eyes I walked into the kitchen, Riley’s laughter echoing behind me. “I am so sorry!” I yelled again.
“It’s fine,” Riley called, “we were done anyway.”
“Speak for yourself,” Natalie muttered. She came after me, the rising sun shone through the kitchen windows, casting an orange glow across her face.
“What’re you doing here? Everything okay?” Her cheeks were flushed but to my surprise, she didn’t seem annoyed.
Riley followed her, pushing his glasses onto his face, his hair a ruffled mess. A blushing look passed between them.
“Are you two finally…?”
“Yes,” Riley answered.
“No!” Natalie cut him off and they shared another look, exasperation on her side, amusement on his. I wondered if he’d caught that cocky look off Alfie. “We’re just…dating. Are you alright?”
I’d planned to tell her everything, but now I didn’t want to ruin her happiness. I could tell her later. I forced a smile on my face. “I’m fine, I just missed you,” I said, even though it hadn’t been long since I’d seen her. “Where’s my nephew?”
“He had a sleepover last night,” Riley said, looking entirely at ease in my family home. “He doesn’t know yet…about us.”
I nodded, that made sense. I was glad Riley wasn’t fighting my sisters need to be cautious. “Okay, well, I’m sorry for interrupting, I’ll just go upstairs now and scrub my eyes out.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Riley laughed. “I should probably go anyway. I have to get to work. Actually,” he paused, “do you want to come?”
“Huh?”
“To Harrington? Alfie had work reinstated a couple of months ago, he didn’t tell you?”
My heart clenched. “Yes, he did. Thank you, I’d love to come.”
It was strange riding in the car with Riley. Our silences had never felt uncomfortable until today. The last time I’d seen him felt like a lifetime ago. Our worlds had been turned upside down since then.
“My sister said you’ve been spending time with Ryan?” I said in an attempt to get the ball rolling. It was odd to be sitting here making small talk while my heart was breaking inside, yet I was doing it. My strength was surprising even to me.
“Yeah, he’s a lot of fun. My ma’s overjoyed at being a gran.”
“That’s really great.” The fatherless little girl in me was so happy that Ryan had found his dad and that he was as awesome as Riley.
“Natalie says we can tell him I’m his dad this week.”
“She finally came around, huh?”
“Yeah,” he laughed, “she even asked me to spend Christmas with them. You’ll be there too, I’m guessing?”
“Yeah, Keira usually spends the holiday with us as well. It’ll be a full house.” I stared out of the window. I hadn’t realised it was almost Christmas. Just like before, when Alfie was a part of my world, I forgot everything else.
Riley was quiet for a while as he sped us along familiar roads that brought up so many memories for me. Eventually, he asked the inevitable question.
“What happened, Lo? Something happened with Alfie, right?”
“He’s gone.” I don’t know how my voice didn’t break as I told Riley what had happened. Not about the cameras, he didn’t need to know about that, at least not from me.
I couldn’t help but picture Alfie. Maybe he was reading my letter right now. Maybe he was crying over it, regretting what he’d done. Maybe he was still blissfully asleep. I hoped he was.
“I’m so sorry.”
I swallowed, letting the hurt fester. It didn’t take over, not yet. That would come later. “It’s okay.” I turned to Riley, his profile full of concern for his friend. “I did what you wanted. He’s going to be better now.”
“And you? Are you going to be alright?”
That was a loaded question that I didn’t have a solid answer to so I just shrugged. “I’m still a fucking showgirl.” I gazed out the window and a laugh burst out of me as I realised where I was.
“What?”
I pointed out the window at a particular spot on the road that displayed Harrington House at its best. “I crashed into Alfie’s car right there.”
Deja vu hit me hard when we arrived at Harrington. It was a hive of activity, just like it had been two and half years ago when I’d met Alfie for the first time.
After assuring Riley I was fine on my own I watched him disappear into the house. I kicked off my shoes and stepped onto the grass, not minding how cold it was. I walked with only one destination in mind.
The broken stone steps were chilly underfoot, the trees naked. I stepped into the garden and with tears welling in my eyes, I smiled. The bleeding heart statue of black obsidian was gone, leaving behind nothing but a ragged, empty hole in the ground.
My chest ached, the shrapnel heavy. He’d left me. He was really gone.
I crumpled to the ground, staring at the place where the statue had been.
With a heavy heart, I did the only thing that I knew would help in that moment.
I pulled my sketchbook from my bag, the one that I took everywhere with me.
Pencil to paper I started to draw, mindless shapes, aimless shading, sometimes taking soft form with the ebb and flow of my thoughts, other times harsh scratches into the paper as my pain threatened to rip me in two.
He was gone.
He was really gone.
But that wasn’t what hurt the most. What hurt more, was that it was the right thing to do.
He was still mine, that part of him always would be, but the rest of him was his and despite my pain I was proud, so fucking proud of the man that he was now.
For the rest of my life I could say I’d lived on the edge and jumped. I’d known ecstasy. I’d known love, in its best and worst forms.
My dreams began to take shape and for once they weren’t Alfie, they weren’t my mother…they were me. They were just me.
As the sun rose, the vision for my project came to me and the clearer I saw it the more I smiled. I wanted to show the world who I was.