Chapter 24 - Jensen #2
Yes, my brain urges me to say. But my heart, my stupid, stupid heart is screaming the opposite, and I can’t think over the noise.
“It was . . . um . . . ”
Callie’s cheeks lift in a small smile. She noticed my fumble. “See? It’s not just me that felt the connection. You can lie all you want and say that it was just some trick of the camera lens, but I know you felt it. Look me in the face right now and tell me that you didn’t.”
Deny, deny, deny, the shadows hiss in my ears, but it feels like all my strength has evaporated. I don’t want to lie to her.
“I felt it,” I admit, my voice barely audible above the storm, but from the way her nostrils flare, I know she hears me.
“Then tell me what happened? One minute we were laughing and the next minute it was like I stabbed you or something. Was it me? Did I say something? You have to tell me what I did wrong.”
Her voice cracks on the last syllable.
“It’s not you,” I rush to tell her, needing her to understand as messed up as this is, it has nothing to do with her. “It wasn’t anything you did, Callie. It’s me that’s the problem.”
“Oh, the old classic, it’s not you, it’s me.” Callie looks like she wants to punch me, and god, I wish she would.
“You owe me a better explanation than that. After my ex dumped me, I didn’t want to find someone else.
I was ready to swear off love for good. But then you came along and everything changed.
Even after what I’ve been through, you let me believe that it was okay for me to open my heart to someone again.
You made me feel like no one has ever made me feel, like I mattered, like I was worth something.
And then just like that, you build a wall between us and I want to know why. ”
She’s absolutely right, she deserves an explanation. But I can’t give her one, not without ripping myself open. Not without revealing truths about myself that I don’t want to face.
“You need to go home, Callie.” I say, forcing the words out. I don’t mean for them to come out harshly. I flinch at the gruffness of my tone.
“No.” She stares me down, unphased. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me why. ”
“Go home,” I try again. “I don’t want you here.” It’s a lie and my damn heart almost shatters when her face crumples, but I have no alternative.
It takes her a second to collect herself, but when she does, she lifts her chin and huffs out a laugh. “You don’t mean that. I can see it in your expression. You’re lying.”
Am I that transparent? If she can see that, what else can she see? “I’m not.”
“Fine.” She steps into my space, swiping the wet strands from her eyes so she can peer up at me. “Touch me.”
“What?” Shock ripples through me.
“I want you to touch me,” she says again, reaching for my hand. “If you really want me to go, then you’re going to have to say it again. But first . . . ” She yanks me closer, pulling my arm and placing my palm on her cheek. “Say it again.”
Her skin is soft underneath my fingertips, and I can’t stop myself from swiping my thumb across her cheekbone. “I . . . Callie, I . . . .” I can’t think when all I want to do is drop to my knees in front of her and beg her not to go.
But I can’t do this. I can’t have this.
I don’t deserve it, don’t deserve her . And even if I did, it wouldn’t matter. The only thing I can offer her is broken pieces, damaged goods.
I yank my hand away and step backward, putting space between us. I can’t be close to her, can’t touch her or I won’t have the strength to do what needs to be done. “Just go, Callie. Please, you need to go home.”
“I won’t.” She moves closer, eyes blazing, cutting across the space I just created between us.
“Not until you tell me why. I spent too many years of my life letting someone steal my voice and make me feel like I wasn’t worth anything more than the scraps he threw my way.
I’m not doing that with you. If you really want me to go, then you have to tell me why. Don’t you think I deserve that?”
“Just go.”
“I’m not going.”
“You need to leave.”
“And you need to tell me what’s really going on.”
“Callie, you need—”
She cuts me off again. “I’m not going anywhere. So just tell me. Why are you—”
“Because I’m not good for you,” I finally explode, the words spilling out with such force it makes me ache.
Callie scoffs. “You don’t get to decide that for me.”
“I can’t do this.” I try to find the words to make her understand.
“I thought I could keep things casual, that I could stop myself from letting things go too far, but today at the falls, I let my walls down for a split second. I realize now that it was a mistake. I can’t let you fall in love with me, Callie, I can’t. ”
“Well, too bad!” she yells, throwing her arms out. “Because I already did, you big, stupid, stubborn jerk. It’s too late.”
Her confession knocks the wind out of me. “Don’t say that.”
“Why? Because it scares you? Well, get over it, Jensen. You don’t get to tell me how to feel. I want you, Jensen, and if I want to throw myself off a cliff for you, then that’s my choice to make.”
No, no, no, this can’t be happening. I can’t let this happen. “You can’t love me.”
“Why not?”
And there it is, the sharp edge of the guillotine that’s been hanging over my head from the moment she pulled off that blindfold, from the second I realized that I could breathe around her. It presses against my skin, drawing blood.
“Because I already know how this story ends.”
Callie sucks in a breath, clearly a little surprised by my answer. “This is about Anna.”
“No, it’s about you and me. You say you want me, that you’ve fallen for me, but it won’t last. Not when you realize what you’d have to give up to be with me.”
“What are you talking about?” She takes a step back, her eyes searching mine.
“I know I’m making a lot of assumptions here, Callie, but you have to trust me.
Everyone thinks that love can conquer anything, but that’s a lie.
There are some things love can’t save you from.
And when you have to face that reality, it damn near cleaves your soul in half.
It’s like a bomb that explodes, filling your body with shrapnel.
No, it’s worse than that. It’s like someone died, the grief of it, and you almost wish they had because it would be easier than the truth. ”
Tears fill Callie’s eyes, even though I know she doesn’t understand what I’m saying. But it’s like a dam has broken inside me and the words pour out. “When you think about your future, you want it all, right? A nice house, a beautiful wedding, and . . . kids one day, right?”
Callie’s eyes are wide, and I know I’ve more than shocked her with the turn of this conversation, the seriousness of it. She just stares at me.
“Answer the question.”
“Yeah, I do. One day but—”
“No,” I shake my head, “That’s it. If you want that, I can’t be the one to give it to you. As much as I want you, and god, Callie. I do. I want you more than I’ve wanted anything in this life. But I can’t be unfair to you.” Everything hurts, and the words are like razor blades slicing through me.
“Unfair to me? What does that even mean?”
“It means you need to go,” I choke on the words. “I’m broken and damaged and there’s nothing anybody can do about it.”
“I still don’t understand.” She glances down at the puddle of water pooling around her feet, like the answer might be there, then back up at me, blinking against the confusion. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I . . . ” I swallow. “I can’t have children, Callie. There’s no future with me. And if I let this continue, you’ll figure that out just like Anna did. So why delay the inevitable?”