Chapter 26 - Jensen #2
I stare at our joined hands, breath rattling in my chest as my body braces for what’s coming.
The warmth of her palm seeps into mine, a steady reassurance, but still a tremor works its way into my limbs.
For a moment, I reconsider telling her, but then she swipes her thumb across my knuckle in a silent gesture of comfort that says, it’s okay. I’m right here next to you.
So, I exhale slowly and welcome the weight of the memories as they press in on me, sharp and unrelenting.
“It starts with Anna. We knew each other as kids and grew up in the same small town in Texas. We always ran in the same circles, but it wasn’t until 7th grade that we even paid much attention to each other.
She was this determined, outspoken brainiac, and I was a shy, country boy who had no idea what he wanted.
We met in gym class that first week when she demanded I be her partner for badminton.
Didn’t ask, just told me that’s what was going to happen.
And I didn’t argue. Every day after that, she’d boss me around, and I would do whatever she said, mainly because I liked the smile she gave me when she got her way.
We stayed friends through high school, but I finally got the courage to ask her out our senior year.
She just grinned and said, ‘Well, it’s about time you asked me that.
’ And from then on, it was her and me against the world.
By the time we graduated, I knew I wanted to marry her, but I also knew there was no way she’d say yes until she finished college.
So, I joined the army, and she went off to work on her degree.
Long distance wasn’t easy, but we made it work, and whenever I got leave, I did everything I could to make up for lost time. All I wanted was to make her happy.
We got married a month after she graduated and moved to North Carolina. I was stationed at Ft. Bragg and she got a job working for a city councilman. For a while, everything was perfect. We were really happy.”
I pause, letting the echo of that happiness linger for just a moment.
“But it didn’t last . . . After a few years, we decided we were ready to start a family.
Anna was one of six kids, and her dream was to have a large family of her own.
I never had any brothers or sisters, so I was all for it.
One, two, twelve, it didn’t matter to me as long as I had her. ”
The breath hitches in my throat, and I stumble over my words. Callie squeezes my hand, the reassurance in her gesture enough to help me continue .
“At first, we didn’t think anything about it.
These things take time, right? But after months and months of negative tests, we knew something wasn’t right.
Anna made an appointment with her doctor who tried to assure us that everything was normal.
We were young and healthy, and it would happen eventually.
Only it didn’t happen. Months passed, each one without the good news we so desperately wanted.
Anna started to worry that something was wrong with her.
A few of the women in her family had some trouble getting pregnant, and she was concerned that she might have some of the same issues. She made an appointment to get tested.
When her tests came back, everything seemed normal, though her iron levels were a little low. The doc prescribed a supplement, and Anna was optimistic it would fix our issues. But a few more months passed, and we didn’t get pregnant. So, it was my turn to get tested.
I was confident that my results would come back normal like Anna’s, so when the nurse called to give us the results, we weren’t expecting to hear that the initial sperm analysis came back abnormal.
We barely had time to process the results before we were referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. But still, we were hopeful.
The fertility doc ran more tests and determined that I have OAT Syndrome, which basically means I have a really low sperm count, and what I do have isn’t great quality.”
I clear my throat, a little bit self-conscious to be sharing something so personal. But Callie doesn’t seem uncomfortable. She just listens, holding my gaze as I keep going.
“The doctor warned us that our odds were low. Not completely impossible, but the outlook wasn’t great. Still, there were treatments we could try. Anna was optimistic. We both were.
We tried everything: medication, IUIs, and three rounds of IVF, but nothing worked. Anna did acupuncture and we both changed our diet hoping it would help us conceive, but it all failed.
Anna began to grow distant. She was angry over the fact that she couldn’t get pregnant.
I tried to make her feel better, to do whatever I could to make things right, but it only made things worse.
She started spending all her free time researching alternative fertility treatments and homeopathic methods.
The night Kase died I was . . . ” I pinch the bridge of my nose.
“I was supposed to be on duty that night. It was my shift, and I was the one who was supposed to be up in the chopper. But Anna had found a holistic fertility clinic that she was sure was the answer to our problems. By then, we’d spent thousands of dollars on treatments, and I was beginning to lose hope.
When I voiced my fears, she got so angry at me. Angrier than I’ve ever seen her. She demanded that I go with her to the clinic. I knew then that she had started to resent me. It was my fault we weren’t able to get pregnant, and I felt like I owed it to her to try. So, I agreed to go.
Of course, the only day we could get an appointment was a day I had the training mission.
I didn’t think there was any way around it, but Kase talked me into taking the matter up the Chain of Command.
Once I explained my situation, leadership was willing to work with me.
I didn’t know until later that Kase offered to take my spot on the mission. ”
I take a breath, needing a minute before I tell the rest. I’ve gone over it a thousand times in my head, trying to figure out a way for the story to end differently, but it never does.
“Everything about that night was routine. The pre-flight checks were performed with no issue and everything was as it should be. The training exercise was running like clockwork, but then . . . then it all went to hell.”
Tears clog my throat, and I can feel the walls I’ve built start to crumble. “It was supposed to be me up there that night, Callie. It was my shift. I was supposed to be the one who died, not Kase.”
A sob erupts from my throat. “I should’ve put my foot down, should’ve told Anna no, but I was so desperate to make her happy, to do something that would make her love me again.
I thought I was doing the right thing, but if I had known .
. . ” Another sob. “I killed my best friend and then I had to go to his house and tell his wife and son that he was gone all because of me.”
Tears drip down Callie’s cheeks. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened. It was an accident. A horrible, awful accident, but it’s not your fault.”
“It is though,” I argue. “And you know what’s sad?
I thought that nothing else could hurt as much as losing my best friend, but I was wrong about that, too.
About three weeks after the funeral, I came home and the house was quiet.
I knew right away something was wrong. I looked for Anna, but couldn’t find her.
She wasn’t in the kitchen or in the garden out back.
I thought maybe she was upstairs taking a bath, but when I walked in, the closet door was wide open and the light was still on.
My side was completely untouched, but her side was emptied.
There was nothing left but a few hangers on the rack.
I found the note she’d written on the bed.
It was short, only a few lines, but she explained that she was leaving me.
She said she couldn’t stick around much longer knowing that we weren’t going to work.
She wanted children and I couldn’t give them to her, so she just couldn’t see a future with me any longer. ”
A wave of exhaustion washes over me, and the damn shadows swoop in at last, relishing in my pain, laughing as they wrap me up in their clutches and squeeze the life from me.
“So now you know,” I whisper, with the last of my strength.
“I’m the reason Ethan has to grow up without a father.
I don’t deserve to be happy when Sutton has to spend her days raising her son alone.
And Anna leaving? That was my punishment.
The universe’s way of restoring balance. I took a life, and so it took mine.”
I pull my hand gently out of Callie’s grip. “You deserve someone whole, someone worthy, but I’m not that man. It’s why I keep pushing you away,” I add quietly, the truth finally out between us. “I don’t know how to be with you without it ruining us both.”