Chapter Nineteen
CHAPTER NINETEEN
It was Sunday. The week had felt like a very long one, but the bright spot on the horizon was that Simon was doing his final week as a resident of Liverpool and was due to move into the village ready to take up his permanent post. It would make life easier for everyone – not least Fliss because he’d be able to take a lot more of her on-call responsibilities from her, so she was in a very good mood. She had agreed to do the emergency cover for this weekend to allow him to move into Charles’s old cottage (and perhaps because she still felt a bit guilty for not being available when Mackenzie had been ill).
This morning, being at a loose end, Ottilie knocked at the door of Charles’s old place to see what she could do to help her new neighbour.
After a few moments, and with an expression of surprise, Simon opened the door. Ottilie could see rows of boxes, stacked up and lining both sides of the hallway so that the gap between them was probably only wide enough for one person to very carefully make their way down.
The décor was quite traditional – muted earth tones and dark wood. Ottilie had always thought it looked sort of manly, and she’d often felt it needed a woman’s touch – though that woman probably wouldn’t have been Fliss, because her decor wasn’t all that different. The garden was neat, dense with hardy evergreens for minimum maintenance. It looked nice enough, but Ottilie preferred the more romantic wildness of her own. She wondered if Simon would make many changes.
‘I haven’t come at a bad time, have I?’ she asked.
‘Um…no. Of course not.’
‘I won’t come in,’ she added, glancing down the hallway again. ‘I can see you’re still upside down. I had wondered if you might have been able to get everything unpacked yesterday after your removal van had gone.’
‘Sadly not. And quite honestly if I wait until I’m straight in here to ask in a visitor then it might be years before I have company. Please – come in if you can get in.’
‘Are you sure? I don’t mind?—’
‘No, please…I’d actually really like it. My parents are always telling me I spend far too much time alone and they’re probably right. Some company would be nice, as long as you don’t mind the fact there’s barely anywhere to sit and the fridge isn’t plugged in yet for cold drinks. You’re my first visitor here, actually,’ he continued as he stepped back to let her cross the threshold. ‘I would have been a bit further along with my unpacking by now, but Charles was a bit behind moving out.’ Simon turned to her with a wry smile as she followed him down the narrow spit of hallway that was still accessible. ‘I got the feeling neither of them actually wanted him to move in with Fliss.’
‘God, no, I can imagine,’ Ottilie said with a light laugh. ‘I don’t want to alarm you, but Charles might be begging you to let him move back in with you by the end of the first week. Fliss has always said they get on better apart. The heart attack has really shaken things up.’
As they went into the kitchen, Ottilie saw that there were even more boxes in here, filling corners in teetering piles, spilling out under and on top of the dining table. Charles was reasonably neat but his decor was quite functional, with solid oak units that looked a little dated, magnolia walls and white tiles around the cooker and sink. Ottilie wondered whether Simon would do much to suit it more to his tastes, but she supposed it was early days yet.
There were odd bits of furniture and fixtures and fittings that she recognised as belonging to Charles. She assumed he’d left them here, partly to help Simon and partly because he wouldn’t have had much room at Fliss’s place to take them with him. She wondered if they were a help or hindrance, because she assumed Simon also had plenty of furniture of his own that he’d brought from Liverpool with him.
Ottilie held up the carrier bag she’d brought in with her. ‘You might think I’m interfering where I’m not wanted, but I brought some cleaning bits for you. It’s one of those things you don’t always think about when you’re moving into a new place, so if they’re of any use, you’re more than welcome to them.’
‘That’s actually brilliant, thank you. I’ve got some but probably not enough. The place needs…um…’
‘Don’t worry.’ Ottilie smiled. ‘I know what you’re too tactful to say.’
‘I’m sure Charles has been too ill to worry about spring-cleaning.’
‘Well, that’s true, but I don’t think he was very fond of cleaning before he was ill. I don’t think Fliss is either. Their minds are on more…how can I put it…?’
‘They’d rather be doing something more fun?’
‘Yes.’ Ottilie’s smile grew. ‘Although I was going to say they were occupied by more cerebral things than cleaning.’
Simon raised his eyebrows. ‘You mean like wine appreciation? Or sitting down in front of Celebrity Gogglebox ?’
‘Exactly!’ Ottilie replied, laughing now. ‘I see it hasn’t taken you long to get the measure of them. I mean, everyone here loves them to pieces, but they’re a nightmare couple – so chaotic. I don’t know how Fliss keeps it together long enough during the day to be such a brilliant doctor. And I can totally see why they needed to live apart for so long – imagine how chaotic each of them is living alone and then imagine putting all that in one house.’
‘That had crossed my mind too. Lucky for me, if not them, that they decided to pool their resources, because it means I have somewhere to live here without all the hassle of trying to find somewhere. I did have a scan of the local estate agents, but there really was nothing within about a ten-mile radius of this place – nothing suitable, at any rate.’
‘Are you thinking you might buy then?’
‘I was hoping to. I think there might be a possibility of buying this place at some point if their cohabiting works out.’
‘So you’re fairly certain you want to stay in Thimblebury long-term?’
‘Well, yes…’ Simon seemed confused by the suggestion that he might not want to stay long-term.
‘No, I mean, I didn’t want to assume anything. If you do, I’m really glad. It’s not for everyone.’
‘The way I see it, if I buy somewhere and then it doesn’t work out, there seems to be a healthy market around these parts, so I don’t imagine I’d have much trouble selling on again. So it makes sense as far as I can see to buy. But I’m all right at the moment – there’s no rush. Charles has done me a very fair deal on the rent here, so I’m happy.’
‘I think they’re just happy to get you here and in that job whatever it takes,’ Ottilie said, putting the bag of cleaning supplies down on the only clear corner of table she could see. ‘I know Fliss would never say it, but she’s been needing a partner for a long time. It took Charles’s health scare to force her to step back and look at what long hours they were both working and how neither of them are getting any younger. If not for that, I’m sure she’d have kept pushing herself until she dropped.’
‘That’s one of the many occupational hazards of being a GP,’ Simon said. He turned and started to search in one of the boxes stacked next to the sink. ‘If I can find the mugs, I might be able to offer you a drink.’
‘That’s all right – don’t stress on my account. I’ve got a few hours spare; maybe I could help you clean and get a bit straighter in here? Not that I think you can’t manage on your own, of course. I only wondered if a second pair of hands might make things a bit easier.’
‘The company would make them more pleasant, that’s for sure. I’d feel as if I were taking advantage of your good nature, though.’
‘Don’t be daft – that’s what friends are for, right?’
‘Even so…’
‘Honestly, I’m happy to help. If I went home now I’d spend the afternoon feeling awful that I’d left you to do all this alone. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now I’m not very good at keeping my nose out of things.’
Simon chuckled. ‘I wouldn’t put it quite like that, but I have noticed you like to get involved. It’s an admirable trait. It’s a shame more people aren’t as community-minded as you are – the world might be a much nicer place.’
‘Oh, I don’t think it’s so bad as people say. I also think more people than you realise do their bit every day, even if it’s in small, unnoticeable ways. The millions of little acts of kindness that happen every day are what makes the world tick over, not the grand gestures that everyone notices.’
‘Hmmm…’ Simon was silent for a moment as he held her in an approving gaze. ‘I like that way of looking at it. In which case, who am I to refuse such a generous offer of your time?’
‘I was hoping you’d say that.’ Ottilie took off her shoulder bag and pulled out some biscuits and a box of teabags. ‘I brought provisions too. Can’t have a cleaning party without chocolate digestives.’
Ottilie started on what floors she could get to, followed by wiping down skirting boards and door frames and then windows and frames while Simon concentrated on cleaning every cupboard before he filled it with his belongings. Finally they met to do the downstairs bathroom together, and then they broke for tea and biscuits. There was a bit more cleaning, and then Simon shouted up to Ottilie that he was starving and was going to search for the packs of instant noodles he knew were in his boxes of food, and if she wanted some, she only had to say so.
‘I can do better than that…’ she called back down from the bedroom, where she’d been taking down the curtains to wash at her place because Simon had yet to plumb in his machine. Apparently, Charles had never washed a single load of laundry during his married life, Fliss doing it for him at her place and therefore negating the need of a washing machine in his house until now. ‘Hang on…’
She hurried down the stairs and went into the kitchen, where Simon was still searching his boxes, a pan sitting on the stove ready to go.
‘Unless you’re desperate for noodles,’ she began, nodding at the pan, ‘I’ve got leftovers at my house. Plug the microwave in and you can have veggie lasagne. It’s a Jamie Oliver recipe – I can’t promise I make it like Jamie does, but Heath seems to like it and he hates vegetarian stuff usually.’
‘I couldn’t?—’
‘Of course you could! I’m only going to throw it away if it doesn’t get eaten, so it’s no bother. I mean, if you don’t like that sort of thing, then?—’
‘That sounds wonderful. And if it’s anything like the things you’ve cooked and brought in for lunch over the past few weeks, I’m sure it’s going to put my sad instant noodles to shame.’
‘Give me two ticks then to run home and get it.’
‘You’re sure it’s no bother?’
‘Will you stop being so bloody polite and take the offer!’
Simon laughed as Ottilie pulled on her jacket.
‘Don’t go anywhere – I’ll be back shortly!’
Ottilie raced home, taking Simon’s curtains with her. After dumping them in the machine and setting it to wash, she gathered all the leftovers in her fridge, and a few more bits beside to make the meal stretch, and then rushed back. She’d have to be ready for Heath when he came over later, but if she had her wits about her there was no reason she couldn’t help Simon too and still get back in time for Heath’s arrival.
When she got back to Simon’s cottage, the front door had been left open for her and the kitchen table cleared. He was busy fixing the glass plate into his microwave and looked up at her arrival.
‘That was quick.’
‘Was it? I must have been hungrier than I realised!’
Ottilie began to take all the food from her basket.
A slow, bemused smile spread across Simon’s face. ‘A few leftovers?’
‘Well, I suppose there is quite a lot. But what we don’t eat you can keep to tide you over until you have a chance to shop properly. You’ve got a freezer?’
‘Yes, Charles left one.’
‘So a lot of this will freeze if you need it to.’
‘I don’t deserve you,’ he said, his smile fixed in place.
‘That’s not true at all. Never mind that – let’s get this stuff in the microwave. Sooner we eat, the sooner we can crack on and finish your cleaning.’
‘You really don’t have to stay this afternoon,’ Simon said, plugging in the microwave and taking a tub from her to put in. ‘You’ve done more than enough, and I can manage.’
‘I know. Heath’s coming over later so I’ll only stay another hour and then pop off. I’ve got the time to spare and I’d only be messing around at my place.’
‘I don’t think you ever mess around at your place. From what I can tell you don’t have time – you’re always doing things for other people. I mean, today is a perfect example. You ought to be enjoying a well-earned day off, not knee-deep in muck at my house.’
‘I suppose there’s a bit of me that doesn’t like being alone too often,’ Ottilie said, taking out a bag of chopped salad. ‘Too much time to think. I’d rather be occupied.’
‘I can relate to that,’ Simon said, the mood visibly darkening over the room.
Ottilie forced a bright smile. ‘I’m not going to say it gets easier, because you and I know that’s not really what it’s about. It does get easier, but that doesn’t change the facts, and it getting easier only makes your emotions about it more complicated by guilt.’
Simon nodded slowly. ‘Couldn’t have put it better myself. You don’t lose someone and then it’s all right. They’re always lost, no matter what else comes, no matter who else moves into that space.’
‘Exactly.’
‘If you don’t mind me asking…how does it work for you? I mean, how does it…’ Simon let out a sigh. ‘I know what I’m trying to say but not how to say it. But you have Heath now. I’ve never even thought about anyone else and I don’t know how I’d deal with a new relationship. But I suppose it might happen. You’re there now, so how do you deal with it? The guilt, I mean? Because I’m sure there must be some – I know I’d feel it.’
‘Sometimes I don’t even know. I try to remember that Heath is not replacing Josh; I’m just making space in my heart for more than one man. I have to stretch it – perhaps that’s a good thing. My heart is bigger for having to make that extra space, and perhaps it’s easier to love because it’s bigger…’ Ottilie let out a short laugh. ‘That makes no sense to anyone but me, I’m sure. I felt guilty all the time at first. In fact, I tried hard not to like Heath, even though I was mad about him. I couldn’t admit that I had feelings for someone else because it felt like such a betrayal of Josh.’
‘You don’t feel that way now?’
‘Sometimes, but not as often. It’s like anything – it takes time. It’s not much for you to go on, but it’s the best I can offer. I’m sorry if you were hoping for something more profound.’
‘No, but it’s good to see that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Since the accident, it’s felt as if there would never be anyone else – I didn’t want there to be anyone else. But since I got to Thimblebury I’ve started to feel a bit differently, and I don’t really know what to do with it.’
‘I felt the same. I’m sure it’s normal.’
The microwave pinged, making Ottilie jump.
‘God, I’d forgotten all about that!’ she said with a shaky laugh.
‘Me too.’
Simon smiled now, but Ottilie could see he was still troubled, still mulling over their discussion, perhaps deciding how he felt about her advice – such as it was. She hardly felt it constituted advice at all, and it was vague at best. She couldn’t tell him how to deal with his grief, how he could move on, because she’d fumbled her own way through it, no clear path, no strategy, no words of wisdom to be gleaned from her experiences. All she could say with certainty was that it had been hard, and sometimes she’d felt she might get swallowed by the darkness, and it was only because the right man had come into her life that she was here at all.
And she couldn’t underestimate the support of her wonderful friends and neighbours in Thimblebury either. They’d welcomed her in and given her all the time and patience and understanding she’d needed to help her heal. She was sure they’d do the same for Simon too, but she wasn’t going to tell him that. Somehow to say so seemed patronising and assumed that was what he wanted from them. And when she thought about it, his relationship with the villagers was bound to be different from her own. He was going to be their GP, after all, and he probably didn’t – or couldn’t – allow everyone to get too close to him. Fliss had always kept a distance for exactly the same reason. She was a part of the village, but there had always been a final line of defence that kept her a little detached too.
As they sat down to eat, surrounded by boxes and things in the wrong place, Ottilie was reminded all too forcibly of her own arrival in Thimblebury a year before, and turned the conversation to safer subjects. Simon had a passing acquaintance with some of the things that went on in the village and surrounding areas – the film club, for example – but his knowledge went no deeper than that. So Ottilie filled him in on the ones she knew about and how she was involved.
‘Wow,’ he said when she’d finished and looked down to see she’d finished her lunch too. ‘You never stop. How do you get time to do anything for yourself?’
‘I suppose it might sound a bit sad, but I think stuff like the community kitchen and the mum and baby group might count as my hobbies. I love doing them so it’s no hardship and I don’t feel as if they eat into my spare time at all. I’ve got a brilliant social life and a huge circle of friends from doing those things, so it’s win-win as far as I can tell.’
‘I never thought of it like that.’
‘Maybe you wouldn’t because your job is quite demanding as it is.’
‘I’m sure yours must be. Don’t you find it draining at times, constantly having to care even when you’re exhausted and you don’t feel like it? I know I do.’
‘I wouldn’t be human if that didn’t happen from time to time.’
‘And yet you still try to fit more in?’
Ottilie shrugged. ‘What can I say? I’m a people-pleaser – always have been. I’m far happier when I’m caring for others than doing things for myself. I’m sure there’s a good therapist out there who might have something to say about that, but I’m not sure I’d want to fix it, even if I thought it was a fault…which, sometimes I have to admit I do. But it’s a fault that I want to keep because I don’t think it’s a bad one.’
‘Me neither.’ Simon put his cutlery down and smiled at her. ‘And thank you for lunch – it was as good as I thought it would be. Far better than my crappy instant noodles.’
‘You’re welcome.’
‘If the community kitchen’s meals are that good I might have to pretend I’ve got no money and turn up myself to get fed.’
‘Oh, it’s not only for people with no money. Anyone who wants a meal can come – we get all sorts with all sorts of reasons. People are lonely, they struggle physically, they might not have good cookery skills and they might be a bit broke that week. We don’t turn anyone away.’
‘Isn’t that open to abuse?’
‘I suppose it might be, but I like to think the people of this village are decent enough that they wouldn’t want to abuse a service like that. And generally it’s true – I’ve yet to serve someone who didn’t need it.’
Simon shook his head wonderingly. ‘I can see living here is going to take some getting used to.’
‘Wasn’t it like that in Botswana? You said it was a small community where you volunteered. Surely villages are essentially the same the world over? At least, I always imagined that to be the case. People are close, they know each other’s business, they look out for one another…’
‘I suppose it was a bit. But I never expected to find that in England. Especially being from a big city.’
‘Pockets of cities can be like that too – you just need to know where to look.’
‘Ah, that’s clearly where I’ve been going wrong then. Perhaps I never looked hard enough.’
‘You know…’ Ottilie paused. ‘Actually, I’m sure you’re going to be too busy…’
‘You were going to ask if I wanted to come and see what you do at one of your projects?’
‘I only thought it might be a good way to get to know some of the villagers. I didn’t think about how busy you’d be doing other things until I’d started to say it.’
‘I am, but I think I’d like to. Maybe when I’m settled in here I’ll pop down to the kitchen. Might even get involved – I have been known to make a decent chilli con carne in my time.’
Ottilie broke into a smile as she poured a glass of water. ‘They’d love that!’
Ottilie would love it too, and she hoped he truly meant it. To have a newcomer like her fall in love with Thimblebury as she’d done, especially knowing its power to heal someone who’d felt loss as keenly and unexpectedly as she’d done, would make her happier than any treat she could buy or luxury break she was spoiled with. It was true what she’d told Simon – often she’d felt her innate and overwhelming desire to see others happy was as much of a burden as it was a blessing, but it was who she was, and at the end of the day, she couldn’t be anything other than that.