Chapter 17 Lincoln
LINCOLN
@pancakesareelite:
How do you make friends?
@theanswerisno:
Accidentally
@pancakesareelite:
That doesn’t help me
@theanswerisno:
Well, you accidentally became my friend. Didn’t that help?
@pancakesareelite:
More than you’ll ever know
Instead of preparing for my presentation or attending other sessions, I hid away in my room and lost myself to a few hours of gaming.
With every click and every pixelated arrow released, my anxiety lessened until all I could think of was how much gold I’d make in-game after selling everything I’d found.
But I’d had to do it without Lily, which hindered my enjoyment by at least thirty-five percent.
I never double-texted anyone unless it was an emergency, but with Lily, it always felt welcomed. I sent her another message, despite my previous one being unread.
@theanswerisno:
Caught THE golden beetle while hunting. Would consider trading it for your presence. Ps. Are you okay? Been thinking about you lots.
If I could unsend it, I would. Aaaaahhhhhhh. Regret flooded my stomach.
The platform we chatted on didn’t allow message deletion. I shoved my phone face down, feeling a little exposed, vulnerable, and then all at once, stupid too.
Every now and then, something in my brain would snap and remind me that Lily, while a real human being, was not real.
She wasn’t real enough to be here. To attend events with me. I couldn’t see her or hear her voice. I couldn’t, maybe, kiss her.
I shut my eyes and ran a hand over my face. Why am I thinking about this?
My phone buzzed, and I grabbed it at a speed fast enough to almost send it flying out of my grip.
Not Lily. It was the Game Night group chat.
Rose Marie Jones (SDSU Board Game Society):
@Lincoln come down to the parking area.
I should probably update the way I saved their contacts all those years ago.
I texted back: I’m in LA. Didn’t Claire tell you?
Claire: So are we.
Shaun Ashdern (Rose’s coworker): I hate that I’m missing out :(
What? I replied.
William Ashdern (Shaun’s brother): @Shaun sucks to be you. Hey @Lincoln, come get us. We have no idea where to go. This place is filled with people who look really smart.
I left my room and walked downstairs in a complete haze. They couldn’t really be here, could they? This was all some elaborate prank.
But when I stepped outside, Rose, Dean, William, and Claire were there. Waving. Smiling.
My mouth dropped open. “Hey?” With my brain attempting to process the situation, my hand managed a small return wave.
“What are you doing here?” A grin crept onto my face.
I wasn’t an idiot. There was no other reason they could be at this conference, but I still needed to hear them say it. I wouldn’t believe it otherwise.
“Here to watch your presentation. Duh,” Claire said.
“I may fall asleep, but that’s only because I was up all night working on Overpower,” William said.
“But he only needs, like, a twenty-minute nap. He’s like a giraffe,” Rose chimed in.
“In more ways than one,” I added.
This elicited a giggle from Rose. “You know, we’ve always wanted to see you present but you never tell us in time.” She lifted her tote bag. “By the way, I wasn’t sure if us plebs were allowed in since we’re not engineers, so I have a hard hat and a reflective vest just in case.”
More PPE than Elizabeth, I thought to myself, and chuckled. “Why do you own this?”
“I dressed as Builder Barbie for a party once,” she replied. “Do I need to gear up?”
Not at all surprising.
I shook my head. “The public is welcome, but it’s not often anyone wants to pay and register to hear us talk about concrete and trains.”
“Sounds thrilling,” Claire said. “But tell me you have a swanky hotel room with room service?”
“I sure do,” I replied.
I led them inside and chatted with reception about getting them registered, and then we went upstairs to my room.
William went straight to the desk and set up his laptop beside mine. “We could jam a quick game if you wanted?”
“William.” Rose playfully whacked him over the head. “Why would we drive all the way here to watch you play games? Besides, he might need to prepare for his presentation. Pretend we’re not here. Or use us as a practice audience.”
I chuckled and woke my laptop from sleep mode. “I’d have picked the game, but this thing’s about to die, and I forgot my—”
“Charger,” they said together.
I shrugged, heat rising to my cheeks. My devices were always dead or dying, and I hadn’t realized they’d noticed this.
A message popped up on-screen.
@pancakesareelite:
THE beetle? Oh, please give it to me. I can’t play now though, I’m heading out. I’ll be free later. Much, much later.
She sounded like herself again. I typed a reply without waiting a second: I’ll keep the beetle. I caught it for you. Unsure of how tonight’ll go. You might be on your own, Pancakes.
@pancakesareelite:
Boooring.
It’s way more fun when you’re involved.
Blood rushed to my ears. Claire squeaked beside me, her gaze fixed on my screen.
“Don’t,” I said to her, and before I could reply to Lily, my gaming laptop died. I grabbed my phone, but it was dead too. I grumbled and shoved my laptop into my backpack, enviously looking at William, who still had power.
Before Claire could say anything about what she’d seen, I put my phone on charge and changed the topic. “How’s the Overpower LAN planning coming along?”
William spun on his chair and faced us. “Oh, it’s awesome. I posted the details for the LAN event about an hour ago.” His smile was wide, and his dimple deep. “Please repost and share, and do whatever you need to do. We want a big turnout. The event of the century.”
“That is a lot to ask from a LAN,” Dean said, and was met by unimpressed stares. As the only non-gamer in the group, he must be used to this.
Rose hopped over to William’s side. “Dean’s right. It’s a bunch of nerds getting together to play a game. Maybe you should lower your expectations.”
“Let me rephrase,” William said, and I couldn’t help but notice how his arm curled around Rose’s waist with such ease. “I want it to be the gamer event of the century. Every gamer we know on this side of the world needs to attend.”
William’s words struck that already worn chord in my head.
“Every gamer?” I mumbled to myself.
“Do you think Lily will come?” Claire asked, reading my glitching mind.
My stomach dropped. “Uhhhhhh…”
“We’ve spoken about this before. Did you not consider it?” Claire twisted and glanced at my face.
“Uhhhh…” Words escaped me. Thoughts escaped me. Lily could be there. Lily would be there.
“Would you know who she is?” Dean asked without looking up from his phone.
“Uhhhh…”
Say something useful.
But would I? Would she know who I was? Had I ever described myself to her? My avatar was a pixelated beloved fictional character.
“What does she look like? I’ll keep an eye out,” Rose said.
Everyone knew I chatted with a woman online while gaming. All of a sudden, in front of these people who had real relationships, it felt rather childish.
But they were waiting for me to say something. I sucked in a deep breath. “I don’t know. Probably not.” I exhaled and should have been relieved. But I wasn’t. Everything inside me was twisting.
“If she registers and logs in using her gamertag, I’ll be able to see which station she’ll be gaming at.” William lifted his dark eyebrows at me. “If you want to know.”
“I don’t,” I said quickly, unsure if it was true. It was. I think.
“I know you’ve said you don’t want to meet her, but don’t you even want to know who she is, like, from a distance?” Claire asked, trying to make eye contact with me, but I resisted.
I shook my head.
“Do you think she’s a weirdo? Will it break the fantasy you have of her?” Claire asked.
A scoff broke out of me. “It’ll ruin the impression she has about me.” I huffed out a breath and hopped to my feet with an energy I didn’t know what to do with. “I’m the weirdo. I’m nothing like the person I’ve portrayed myself to be.”
“Lincoln,” Claire started.
My stomach churned, and I ran a hand through my hair. “No, don’t. You don’t get it. None of you get it. Claire, you have a warmth people take to. Rose? You’re an anomaly; people trust you within seconds. Children who aren’t even sick want to see Dean”—
I pointed at him, and then my finger swerved to William—“and don’t get me started on that unlawful charmer.”
They froze. Like my words had snapped a photograph of this moment, and we’d all be trapped there because I hadn’t fully explained myself.
But I wasn’t good at this. I didn’t know how to explain it.
So I kept rambling. “Claire was forced to be my friend growing up. Then she forced me on you guys too. If it wasn’t for her, would we even be friends? ”
Claire stood, but I continued. “No, we wouldn’t. Because I don’t know how to make friends. I don’t know how to do this…” I gestured between us, but my movements were jerky. I shoved my hands into my pockets. “I’m really bad at it, which is obviously why I’ve never been in a real relationship.”
“I wasn’t forced,” Claire said, a deep frown forming on her face.
“Right now, I can plan my responses. I can think about them. I can backspace. But in real life? She’ll see how incredibly awkward I am and…” I turned around, not wanting to talk about this anymore. “And she’ll be disappointed.”
The sympathy on their faces let me know how pathetic I must have sounded.
“I need some air. I’m fine, okay?” I walked out of the hotel room and meandered through the hallway, dodging other engineers who may or may not recognize me. I went down to the pool area, but it was too full of people.
I slipped into the emergency stairwell and went up. And kept going up and up until I reached the roof.
As I pushed open the heavy metal door, a fresh breeze slapped against my heated face, followed by the thick and heavy stench of cigarette smoke.
Regret curled inside me.
I wish I could rewind to before my outburst and erase it. How was I supposed to face them now?
Someone with their head down low stepped onto the roof. Judging from their height, it was Rose, or a child.
She marched toward me. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I took a breath, preparing my apology.
But before I could say anything, her knuckles slammed right in my gut.
I doubled over, clutching my stomach. “What?” I coughed, catching my breath even though her punches weren’t that hard.
She angled her head to look at me properly. “How dare you insinuate we aren’t friends?” She threw another punch, and I jumped backward, but she ran up to me with her tiny, powerful fists. “How dare you insinuate we don’t know and love you as you are?” Another punch.
Dodged it.
“Rose,” I started.
She grunted. “You’re my friend, Lincoln. And I love my friends. And I know Claire is your best friend, and well, she’s one of mine too.” She threw another punch, but this time I caught her hand.
I’d never seen her this furious.
She wrenched it back. “So are Neema and Shaun, and guess what, you are not just my friend—you’re one of my best friends. I will be so mad if you don’t feel the same way about me. If I was ever in trouble, I’d call you before I called Claire, because she’s a terrible driver.”
This time, her punch landed because I’d been distracted by the laughter bubbling out of me. “She is awful.” My body shook so hard that I struggled to breathe.
“But don’t tell her I said that,” Rose replied, bursting into a fit of giggles. “She’ll be so angry.” She finally dropped her fists of fury.
We kept laughing, and with each inhale, our laughter grew louder until I worried it would be heard in the presentations below.
“You’d call William first, wouldn’t you?” I asked.
“William? Are you out of your mind? He’d kill everyone in his path to get to me, including possibly himself.”
I stumbled backward and fell onto my backside, the last of the laughter still squeezing out of me. Rose attempted to pull me up but failed miserably and ended up beside me on the hot concrete.
Footsteps sounded behind us. I turned around as Claire whacked me across the head. “I heard all of that, you idiots.”
“When did this group become so violent?” I asked, rubbing my scalp, though it didn’t hurt.
“You’re Claire’s emergency contact, too, because I’m terrible with my phone when I’m at the hospital,” Dean said, stretching out a hand to pull me up.
“Shaun’s mine, but now I think I should change it to Lincoln.” William lifted Rose to her feet and pulled her against his chest.
“Even though you don’t talk much”—Claire nudged me—“we’re listening when you do.”
I looked down at my feet and mumbled, “I’m sorry for not noticing.”
The adrenaline seeped out of me, clearing my mind and leaving me shuddering.
“Not entirely your fault. I’ve been neglecting you a little,” Claire said. “Dean and Hannah have been preoccupying me.”
“As they should,” I said, and smiled. I never wanted Claire to feel guilty about being happy. “You don’t have to worry about me.”
Claire came closer and whispered, “I do worry… a lot. But I’m a worrier. One thing I’m not worried about is whether you’ll find someone. Maybe Lily is the one. URL to IRL is a less popular romance trope, but it’s a pretty good one.”
Maybe Lily is the one.
I’d had that thought multiple times over the last few years.
“I’m scared,” I breathed, my stomach sinking at the admission.
“It’s okay to be. If it’s not her, it’ll be someone else. You’ll find your person, Lincoln. Someone who understands you. Who sees you.”
Despite the secrets and evasiveness, I knew that, on some level, Lily saw me. She always knew what I needed.
Unprovoked, my mind jumped to the divider in my office, to the subtle changes Elizabeth had made to increase my comfort. A strange guilt crept in but was quickly overpowered by a new and different feeling… one that recurred with every thought of Elizabeth. Which was happening more and more.
And there was nothing I could do to stop it.