Chapter 33 Lincoln
LINCOLN
@pancakesareelite:
Come on, Janine is the best character!
@theanswerisno:
Nope, she’s a liar
@pancakesareelite:
She didn’t murder anyone, like Lisa. There are worse things than a little lie
@theanswerisno:
I struggle with lies
After spending exactly thirty-five minutes pacing my living room, I needed to get out, as far as I could… even if it was just for a few days. And maybe, maybe when I returned, I’d be able to sort through the hurricane in my mind and the mess I’d created.
I considered going to my mother, but if she got the slightest idea this had anything to do with a woman, especially the woman she’d met, she’d want me to fix it, and I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know how.
On the other hand, if she knew it all jeopardized my career, I don’t know what she’d say. But I didn’t need another voice in my head right now.
I turned my phone on and shot Anders a text letting him know I’d be in Disselweed a few days early. My phone exploded with notifications, and I shut it off again. Maybe I never needed to turn it on ever again.
A loud bang on my apartment door was followed by Claire’s voice. “Lincoln?”
I trudged over, knowing I’d have to talk to her sooner or later, and let her in.
She pushed through the doorway with Dean behind her. “Couldn’t you send a text letting me know you were okay?”
“Phone’s off.” I held up the dark screen and shifted on my feet.
Her brows drew close. “Are you okay?”
“What do you think? Elizabeth is… Lily is…” I said, unable to keep my emotions contained. I felt incredibly unregulated.
“I think you should talk to me, your friend.”
“Like you spoke to me when you two almost got divorced?” I gestured between her and Dean and immediately regretted it.
She flinched but didn’t waver. “Exactly. That is exactly why I should have spoken to you earlier. Dean and I were so busy trying to parent and juggle work that we didn’t even realize how far apart we’d drifted. What did you do when I eventually opened up to you?”
I shifted on my feet, my anger falling.
Claire answered for me. “You practically knocked our heads together and told us to talk it out. You changed everything, Lincoln.” She looked at Dean. “I went back to therapy because of you.”
“I’m glad it worked.” I gulped and walked away. Dammit, I was pacing again. “I’m not in a good space right now. I needed to get away from that moment, and the crowd, and the noise. I need time to process.”
“That makes sense,” Dean said, and offered Claire an apologetic sideways glance. “A lot of the problems Claire and I had were because I didn’t have any time or space to process. Space could be good. Clear your mind.”
Claire fell onto my couch. “You’re going to have to speak to her.”
“No.”
“You work together,” she said.
I pulled a face. Of course I knew that.
“Are you going to skip work on Monday?”
I nodded.
“You can’t stay out forever.”
“I’m going on-site for a few days.” I walked up to my closet to grab luggage. I haphazardly threw things inside the bag. Generally, I had a list and a luggage divider to help me compartmentalize my belongings.
If only I had those for my brain.
“Wasn’t she supposed to join you?” Claire asked, studying me.
“Yes, but I’ll tell her not to.” I made a mental note to send Elizabeth an email in the morning. I couldn’t do it tonight. I wasn’t even sure I could type out her name right now.
Claire sighed. “And after that?”
I tossed a pouch of coffee beans into my bag. “By then, I will have processed.”
Hopefully.
They stayed quiet while I moved around my space collecting items: toothbrush, toothpaste, moisturizer. I needed clothing.
In the smallest voice, Claire asked, “So, she’s really Lily? What are the odds of that?”
Dean elbowed her. She winced but kept her gaze on me. She wouldn’t retract the question.
I dropped my head again. “I don’t know how to deal with this.”
“Did she know it was you all this time?” Dean asked. His curiosity seemed to overtake his gentle and un-prying demeanor.
I nodded. “Seems so.”
“Whoa.”
Again, I nodded.
Claire made her way to my kitchen, where she tossed a few snacks into my bag. “Maybe she’s got a reason.”
“Anders has been insinuating that she’s using me,” I said, facing the words as they left my mouth but keeping my eyes fixed on the bottle of shampoo in my hands.
“But you’ve been chatting for years. You can’t tell me this was a multiyear scheme?” Claire said. “Have you packed towels yet?”
I shook my head, and she threw a few towels my way. I caught them with one hand and jammed them into my bag.
“Anders is wrong,” she said.
Elizabeth could seduce anyone if she wanted to. But she didn’t want to seduce me. I knew it wasn’t just that.
“This is how I process. I have to look at every option, every scenario, even the unlikely answers. I have to play them out in my mind over and over against my damn will, okay? I don’t want to be this way.
This is how my brain works.” I could feel my lip quivering.
“I wish I could let things go. I wish I didn’t ruminate. ”
I replayed the look in Elizabeth’s eyes when I’d asked her if she knew.
With growing frustration, I added, “But I am sure she kept it from me when she figured it out and she kept… flirting with me. As Lily and Elizabeth. I wasn’t imagining it, and now I don’t know what happened when.
When did the lie start? She’d given me a fake name.
How much of what we shared was real?” My voice cracked open along with my heart.
“Every night after spending the entire day with me, alone, she chatted with me like nothing was different…” I massaged my forehead. “Why didn’t she tell me?”
“Maybe she was scared of this.”
I sat on the armrest of the couch. “Maybe I should apply for some positions abroad.”
“I’ll die without you.”
“Fine, but at least survive the next few days, okay? I won’t be very accessible. The signal up there is pretty terrible.”
Dean drummed his fingers on his thigh. “William’s got your laptop, by the way. I can pick it up if you need it.”
I zipped up my moss-green bag. “No, thanks.”
The very last thing I wanted to do was play a game with a stranger. Or worse, someone I knew and loved.
The site agent who had been staying at the cabin in Disselweed was pleased to see me. Even if it was in the middle of the night.
“You could have come in the morning. The woods are far less creepy with the sun coming in.” He shifted around in his long johns and T-shirt.
“I’d like to get an early start on-site,” I said. “I’m sorry for disturbing you. Please go back to bed and feel free to go home in the morning if you’d like. I don’t plan on leaving for the next few days.”
His face lit up. “Are you sure?”
I nodded.
“I get to surprise my baby girl tomorrow morning, then. Thanks, Mr. Carden.”
I offered him another nod, and he disappeared into one of the two rooms. I walked into the other. The second bedroom was exactly as I remembered it, despite my efforts to forget it and forget the feeling of being touched by Elizabeth on that large bed.
Did she already know who I was back then? Is that why she felt comfortable doing that?
Why didn’t she say anything in the many hours we spent together? Or online?
These questions would kill me.
I set my bag beside the tall closet and placed my work laptop on the desk, which had a small window overlooking the back area.
I went outside and sat under the overhang, but I couldn’t see anything ahead of me because the forest was covered in mist. My eyelids dropped, and I focused on the rasp of the tree leaves being blown by a gentle wind.
If ever there was a time I needed to master meditating, it was now.
My therapist had promised it would help my anxiety.
She didn’t say anything about healing a broken heart.
But time should.
I hoped.