Chapter 34 Elizabeth
ELIZABETH
@theanswerisno:
My therapist wants me
to try mindfulness
@pancakesareelite:
Don’t they know the goal is mindlessness
@theanswerisno:
You get me
@theanswerisno:
You might be the only person
in the world who gets me
It was already Tuesday, after 10:00 a.m., and Lincoln still wasn’t at his desk. Where is he?
After he skipped work yesterday, I’d put all my hopes on him showing up today and being open to letting me talk. But he wasn’t here, and I was too afraid to message him on any medium.
I’d ambushed him. And in hindsight, ambushing someone who had told me, in more than one way, that he couldn’t handle surprises was probably not my finest moment.
He had wanted to get as far away from me as possible. For a man who was generally unreadable, hurt had been spelled across his pained expression.
My eyes prickled with tears while I struggled with the lump in my throat. I’d been through some awful things, but this… this was unbearable.
I knew why this was worse. I knew it the second I’d realized that he was my Link. It hurt because I’d fallen in love with him in a way I didn’t think was possible. I’d fallen in love with the same person twice.
My email pinged. Lincoln Carden!
I scrambled to click it.
Elizabeth,
I should have let you know that I’m on-site already. Perhaps this project is too far out for you. I will arrange construction work for you on a site closer to the office.
If there’s an emergency on one of the other projects, take it up with Anders. If he’s not around, you can email me.
Regards,
L. Carden
I read it and reread it. He’d used my name. There was no reference to Lily. Had he cut her off?
Despite how excited I was to be on that project, I was far more excited to be alone with him. To learn from him. To exist around him before and after working hours.
Was I supposed to reply?
A fresh wave of tears threatened, but I’d dehydrated my eyes after spending most of the weekend crying.
It hadn’t been the meeting I’d hoped for.
Far from it. I wanted him to be as happy as I was.
I wanted to pick up where we left off in his office.
Instead of pain, I had expected that warm, decadent brown gaze filled with unspoken, overwhelming passion.
I hadn’t just imagined it. He’d felt it too. He’d kissed me…
But I’d been kissed before by men who wanted me and didn’t want me. Elizabeth Gordon-Bettencourt.
Maybe Lily was who he actually wanted. He’d gone to meet Lily.
Maybe Elizabeth was what Elizabeth was to everyone else. Maybe Douglas was right.
A pretty face everyone will get bored of.
Maybe he kissed me because he found me attractive. Because I’d started the physical aspect of our relationship by flirting with him, practically throwing myself at him when I’d massaged him.
Douglas often reminded me how everyone only wanted to be around me because of who I was connected to, and once they realized I no longer had anything to offer them, they’d run. Up until now, I hadn’t wanted anyone to stay.
But this was different. I wanted Lincoln Carden. I wanted my Link. I needed him. He was kind, as handsome as could be, and smarter than anyone I’d ever met. Was there any reason he’d need me? Lose his management role because of me?
“Gordon-Bettencourt.” Mr. Anders walked into my office with a rolled-up drawing. He dropped it on my desk and sighed with the exhaustion of a man who’d lived a thousand lives.
I didn’t like the sound of that. At all.
“I used the correct color table and fonts, included the north arrow, and my design is sound,” I rambled off.
He pointed a finger at the edge of the road. “This is incorrect. Sidewalks aren’t part of the brief.”
“Oh.” I exhaled a shaky breath of relief. “I know… but I added it in case there was any wiggle room in the budget. Then the design would already be done.”
“Wiggle room in the budget?” A mirthless laugh escaped him. “You live in a different world, don’t you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I folded my arms across my chest.
“We beat around the bush here plenty, but,” he said, and leaned back, “we can’t keep pretending your understanding of a budget is the same as the rest of ours.”
I blinked a few times, stomping on the fire of annoyance and shock growing in my belly. He had no idea of the budgeting gymnastics I’d had to do to stay alive.
He didn’t stop. “Is this really what you want? To be an engineer and work here every day for the rest of your life? Because if I’m going to invest in you, I need to know that’s your plan. You can’t flee back to your glamorous life once this becomes old news.”
I shuddered with each stinging word.
“No offense, Elizabeth. I’m aware I come across as rude or crass. I like to think of myself as honest, and more people should be honest. I’ll bet everyone walks on eggshells around you.”
I had nothing to add. I sat there, pathetically taking it all in.
“Like I said, this is a serious profession, and Simucon is looking for a lifelong commitment from their engineers. You’ve been at the Friday lunch announcements.
We hand out long-service awards regularly.
Ten years, twenty years, thirty years even.
Is that a future you see for yourself?” He blew out a long breath.
“Because from where I’m sitting, I’m unconvinced.
You can’t follow basic instructions.” He pressed his forefinger on the drawing. “I did not request a sidewalk.”
“But you should have,” I bit out, Lincoln’s words and research echoing through my mind. “We need to create a safer environment for pedestrians and people who don’t have access to their own private vehicles. The city’s planning to build a school half a mile from here.”
“Remove the sidewalk. That’s an order.” Mr. Anders nearly rolled his eyes. “Either you’ve got a savior complex, which would make sense, or Carden’s gotten to you.”
I narrowed my eyes, swallowing the vicious and unprofessional things I wished to say.
“Speaking of Carden, any idea why he’s on-site already? As far as I know, you’re both supposed to be starting there today.”
I could physically feel the blood draining from my face.
Anders narrowed his eyes. “That’s the problem with Carden. He’s not a team player. How is he meant to manage you if you’re not with him?”
“I’m fine here. He’s left me with plenty of work and a perfect set of instructions. Consider me managed.” If Lincoln lost this promotion because of me, I’d never forgive myself.
“Not good enough. You should still join him there. All the other interns have already completed their site experience. Once you’re done with these corrections, we can review them, print them, and you can take the set along with you.”
This could not be happening. It could not be happening. Please, please tell me it wasn’t happening.
“Um, Mr. Carden emailed to let me know that he doesn’t think this will be a good project for me to join him on.” I swallowed hard, hoping the shame, guilt, and longing were kept out of my voice.
“No, ignore him.” Mr. Anders folded his arms. “Carden would do everything alone if I let him. He forgets his giant brain is one of the biggest keepers of knowledge and it needs to be shared. He did a good job with you on design.” Anders shuffled and met my gaze for a second.
“I may have been a bit harsh with you just now, but you have improved. When Carden said you’d impressed him, I wasn’t entirely sold. ”
Warmth cut through the chill in my chest. I impressed him?
Mr. Anders took out his phone and typed. A few seconds later, my laptop pinged. “I’ve emailed you the location pin. Stop upstairs at Construction. They’ve got a few things they’d like to send as well.”
“I don’t want to go if Mr. Carden doesn’t need me there, Mr. Anders. I don’t want to upset him…”
“If you only went where you were needed, would you go anywhere at all?” he said with a laugh. He was still typing into his phone. “There, I’ve just let him know you’ll be joining him.”
My mouth hung open at the implication.
“It’s a tough industry, Elizabeth, and there will be many roadblocks ahead of you. When an opportunity comes along, take it.” Mr. Anders rarely used my first name. For some reason, it made his advice hit harder.
This was work. Lincoln would have to accept that. It wasn’t only about his promotion. I fought my way through this internship. I needed the money. I needed this win. And if I had to face up to my mistakes and see Lincoln, I could do it and apologize and be professional.
I’d faked more for longer. If I tried hard enough, I could pretend he wasn’t my Link. I could pretend I wasn’t in love with him.
Maybe one day I’d believe it.