Chapter 12 #3
“Only emotionally,” Nala agreed. “You seem like a decent person, Varen. A hurt person. A really guarded person, but potentially nice. I don’t blame you for any of that. God knows I can’t let go either.”
The world continued to go by at a snail’s pace as they sat there, taking in the exquisite scenery.
I bet in the spring this place is gorgeous.
Cherry blossoms. Plum blossoms. Greens and sunlight as far as the eye could see.
Did crickets chirp in unison during hot summer evenings?
Could you see the stars twinkling above the ponds?
Would Nala come here in a few months and be completely blown away, her heart ripped to shreds because it couldn’t contain such natural and man-cultivated beauties?
Was this where Varen came to think through making a billion dollars?
The woman had since picked up a small twig and began writing equations in the dirt.
After she had smeared and rewritten them half a dozen times, she pulled out a pad and pencil and wrote down a hard copy. Oh my God, she’s officially a geek.
“You’ll be able to let go one day,” she said, long after Nala’s last reply. “As soon as we make Ravenwood pay for his crimes.”
“How will we even do that?”
“I have no idea. One step at a time.”
“I would hope a genius techy like you would know what to do next.”
She shrugged. “Fucking beats me today.” Her last equation disappeared in the dust as she stood and stepped all over it. “Let’s go. Sun’s going down fast.”
At that time of year, such a thing was a given. But she was right. The longer they sat there, the faster the sun disappeared behind the surrounding trees. Fewer people walked by. A nip entered the air that was not there before.
Nala got up and walked by Varen’s side. They were slow going, not because of foot traffic blocking the paths, but because a tall woman’s strides did not wish to outpace Nala’s smaller ones.
Their hands remained in their pockets, hoods covering their hair and ears, and breath as frosty as snow every time they exhaled. At least it wasn’t raining. For once.
When they stopped at a pedestrian turnout in a grove of growing cherry trees, Nala caught a look on Varen’s visage that said the woman hid more than a few words of pain. Whatever she thought about, it was making her think of things – and people – lost so long ago.
Nala drew her hand out of her pocket and tugged on Varen’s arm. When her hand fell from her hoodie pocket, Nala wrapped their fingers together, willing what warmth she had into another person’s body.
They stood there, awkwardly, Nala’s affection not unnoticed but unremarked.
Varen did not shrug her off, but she continued to stare ahead, fixated on a mechanism that made noise every few seconds when it filled with water.
Once the top was full, it banged! downward and spilled the water into a receptacle.
A sign said it was a classic contraption used to frighten raccoons and other small critters.
If anything, Nala found the rhythmic sound soothing.
Her hand squeezed Varen’s. A heavy breath racked her body, sending shivers through Nala, who cleared her throat and hoped they would soon move on. They weren’t too far from the path that would take them back to the entrance.
When they continued, it was hand-in-hand, their fingers tentatively entwined in what was perhaps the barest minimum regarding affection.
Yet for two torn-up people like Nala and Varen, hell, it was more than efficient at reminding them that nobody had to be alone, no matter who they were or what they had been through.
Nala needed reminding of that.
Entry 6
As it turns out, Nightingale’s motives are exactly like mine. Ravenwood had her sister killed. This woman was a medical researcher beneath him, and it seems she came too close to harming his bottom line.
But that’s not what I’m focusing on tonight. At The Aviary, I crossed a line that I can never transgress again. I took her. I took Nightingale in that primal way I’ve been fantasizing about. In that way I haven’t felt in such a fucking long time.
It was not love. It was barely respect. I lost complete control of myself. But hearing her say that she wanted me… that she wanted me to do those things… do you know how long it’s been since I succumbed to my most base desires.
I feel “her” awakening in me. The dormant Varen of these past three years is rising to the challenge set before her.
Nightingale is trainable. She is willing.
I could feel it in her body as I took her.
Perhaps it’s her youthful folly and she’ll come to realize I’m more dangerous than she thought.
But I don’t take her for that great of a fool.
Tonight’s dinner conversation proved she’s been through almost as much as I have.
Perhaps she is more mature than I give her credit for.
Nevertheless, she continues to haunt my mind. I can’t stop thinking about her. The guilt invading my heart is unlike anything I’ve felt before. I want her. I want to make her all mine. I want to repel her, to tell her to get the fuck away from me.
I’m afraid if I’m put in that position again I’ll cross yet another line. I’m even more afraid that she’ll want it and I’ll have no reason other than my shame to turn her down. I had hoped I was past those passions. Turns out they’re alive and well.