Chapter 27 #3
They would be watching, waiting for them to mess up.
They would be watching, waiting to see Nala and Varen in their most intimate moments. Waiting to see what Varen did to her girlfriend.
Nala.
No, Nightingale.
Maybe Nightingale didn’t care, but it was times like these that Nala found it impossible to separate the two identities.
How was she supposed to, when the heart she and Nightingale shared were the same?
Their spirits? She could say that their minds were one, but that was hogwash.
At the end of the day, they were the same women, both struggling to fight back their anger, their feelings for…
Varen.
Nala sucked up her pride and whatever else she felt as she went back to their room and made a grand show of placating and servicing whatever Varen wanted.
This followed them out to the salon, where two other couples waited with drinks and canoodles.
Nala whispered in Varen’s ear that she should insinuate what they had done, all while stroking her arm and inner thigh, employing every bit of body language she had to make it look like she craved her Mistress’s machinations.
The more she detached and let Nightingale’s mind take over, the easier it was. Nala had to retreat, deep into her mind, her body, forgetting the shock and pain she felt the moment she realized how far into this world they were. Somehow, she managed to stick out the rest of the night.
Varen didn’t suggest they leave until three other couples had.
By then, Ravenwood and Hawk had been engaging her in tech talk while Nala gradually loosened the ties on her corset again.
Never enough to let her breasts pop out, but enough to imply she wanted her Mistress to do her good when they got back home.
I feel so dirty.
Varen led her downstairs when it was time to leave. She was parked deep in the shadows, and it wasn’t until the headlights of her car turned on that Nala realized they were still on Ravenwood’s property.
She stayed strong as they pulled toward the main road. She stayed strong as they descended the hills, weaving in and out until they hit Burnside again, the road that would take them home.
Home.
Varen’s loft was now home.
Nala could never escape the world she now found herself in.
There was no retreating to her closet, where the worst she dealt with was cramped legs and the smell of marijuana in the living room.
Where her roommates and their friends said stupid shit but were otherwise harmless.
Where she came home to eat oatmeal for dinner before lounging in the bath.
Instead, she lived with Varen, the woman who started this whole endeavor. The woman who made love like a beast unleashed from her cage. The woman so broken inside that she would be as likely to admit her feelings for Nala as the other way around.
There was no escape there. Everywhere she could possibly turn was infested with proof that her life was now totally, utterly consumed by Xan Ravenwood.
Nala held it together until Varen pulled into her parking garage. She held it together until she unsnapped Varen's seatbelt and sat there, waiting for Nala to say something.
Not a single word came out of her mouth. Just a long, mournful wail as everything she tried to contain burst forth in a slew of salty tears.
Nala crumpled into Varen’s lap, burying her tear-stained face and attempting – vainly – to stifle the howls and wails she so often kept bottled up inside.
Varen remained sitting in her seat. She wasn’t being disrespectful.
Not in Nala’s cloudy eyes. No, she was letting her cry it out while remaining in her presence.
Varen’s hands gripped the steering wheel as she looked away.
Whenever Nala wiped her most recent slew of tears, she saw her sitting upright, arms shaking as she too fought back emotions.
“What’s wrong?” Varen finally asked. That voice wasn’t the most comforting thing in the world.
This wasn’t a woman who was about to grab her and tell her everything would be all right.
This was a woman who was ready to whip the car around and run some poor mother fucker over if it meant Nala would feel better. That’s sort of sweet.
Nala sniffed up more tears, only moving when Varen presented her with a handkerchief from her pocket. She snatched it and blew her nose, although her biggest problem was the tears staining her face as opposed to any snot accumulating in her nostrils.
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
Varen shifted in her seat. “You should. I want to know what upset you so badly.”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.”
Nala looked at her through bloodshot eyes. Although her visage was stern, everything else about Varen was relaxed, almost kindly. Women don’t like seeing another woman cry, I guess. Nala held back her urge to touch Varen. That way led to too much danger.
“She was listening to us. Even though we were faking it, she thought it was real.”
“I knew she was out there spying on people. Why do you think I was in such a hurry?”
“I know, but… I feel… I felt… right now I am so disgusted I can’t handle it!”
Although she tried to hold them back, Nala couldn’t contain the new tears falling from the corners of her eyes. I’m so pathetic. Of course she knew people might watch them fool around. That was the whole point of the club!
“That man had my sister killed, Ven. It’s because of him I have to do all of this to begin with. It’s the only way I can get justice, and I don’t know how to do even that!”
She slapped her hands against her face, shaking, convulsing as she remembered the way her sister’s killer looked at her as if she were a piece of meat to devour.
“What am I doing? What am I doing with you? Do I think I can do something to get that man taken care of? What chance do we have? I’m doing things I never thought I would. I left Nevada for this expensive purgatory, and… and…”
Finally, Varen reached over and put a hand on her shoulder. “You’re doing what you think you have to do, like I am.”
“Don’t.” Nala wanted to shrug her off, but her touch was too reassuring. Damn her. “We’re in no way equal. This is your thing anyway. What are you sacrificing? What’s keeping you up at night through all of this?”
Her grip fastened. “I’m seeing you in pain right now. I’m seeing the man who killed the woman I loved more than any other… I’m seeing him hurt someone else now. If you don’t think that makes me burn with rage in my gut, then I don’t know what to tell you, Nala. I don’t express myself well,
that’s true. I keep things bottled up and channel that energy into other things. It’s not healthy. I know that, but it’s how I am… and don’t think for two seconds that I don’t care what you’re going through as well. I’m not na?ve. I know you’re taking the brunt of it.”
Nala shook her head. “I hate this. I want it to stop. I wanna go home, wherever that is.”
“Home is where that man can’t haunt you anymore.”
Nala’s lips vibrated with the need to cry even more.
“Come here.” Every time she said that Nala felt more secure.
That was becoming code for “let me hold you” or “let me take you to a place that will blow your fucking mind.”
Right now, it was the former, Varen’s arms encircling her as her chest came for Nala’s cheek.
Nala melted right into her embrace, clutching her, crying into her silk shirt, and wishing there was a way to have Varen and none of the crap hanging over their heads, lurking in the shadows, or breathing down their necks.
Nala clung harder, the stick shift of the car separating them, but not enough to keep her out of Varen’s hold.
“I’m sorry, Nala,” Varen said softly. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry for what he’s done to your life.”
He took away the one person I loved the most.
Varen was right when she said that earlier – Nala felt the same.
They thought of two very different people, but just because they were different didn’t mean they were any less deserving of their love and admiration.
Varen lost the love of her young life. A brilliant tech mind who could have created the next great wave of personal aids.
Nala? She lost her big sister, her caretaker, the one person she could count on to make her understand what she went through growing up without a father and a mother who slipped further away from reality.
“You don’t have to be sorry,” Nala said. “I chose to pursue this. You’ve never made me do anything I didn’t want to do. Anything we’ve done in private… I wanted to do it, Varen. Don’t ask me why. I just did.”
Varen’s fingers pulled hair back from Nala’s sticky face and brushed a pair of soft lips against her forehead.
“I’m not the best in the world when it comes to helping other people feel better. I admit I don’t know what to do, but I want you to know that I’m sorry you’re in so much pain right now, Nala.”
“You dumbass,” she muttered against Varen’s chest. “That’s all you have to say. You’ve got it down pat.”
Varen kissed the space between her ear and cheek, pulling her seatbelt on again. When the car started once more, Nala got the hint and sat up in her seat.
“Maybe it’s all I have to say, but there are a few things I can do. Hold on. Let’s escape for a while.”