22. Chloe
22
CHLOE
One minute, I’m wrapped in Ian’s warm embrace after hours of making love in our bed. The next, I’m sitting in my worst nightmare and there’s no escape.
The fan overhead moves slowly, grinding something in the motor as it goes, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. After all, there are dozens of them, just spinning away, reminding me of the time passing. Time I will never be able to get back.
Chirp.
Chirp.
Chirp.
The metal against metal almost sounds like a little bird, trapped and begging to be released.
Except there will never be any escaping.
For the imaginary bird or for me.
I know where I am. What is happening all around me. What’s happening to me. And even when I close my eyes, I can’t stop the nightmare from taking over. There’s no getting away from reality.
I know I can’t do anything to stop what happens next. I never can.
“Chloe. It’s time to go.” Kevin reaches for my hand as we sit in the uncomfortable seats at the airport in Bangor, waiting for them to call his flight to board. “You gonna be okay?”
I stand up, following him even when I want to scream. Looking up at my big brother, my hero, I smile through the tears that threaten to fall. “Yeah.” I sniffle, turning my head and wiping my nose on my sleeve because I don’t have a tissue. “I’m gonna be just fine. This is the last time, right?”
He nods, like he always does, and then I watch him sling his duffel over his shoulder. “Yep. Last deployment for me. I’m only in for the next six months. No re-upping this time. I’m coming home. You’re gonna have to share the house until I buy something in Birch Harbor, unless I move out of state.” He laughs at the old joke, knowing neither of us dreams of life outside the community that loves us. The one that built us.
“No problem.” I laugh with him, forgetting the tears for a moment. “Ian and you can take turns cleaning the kitchen.”
“Ha ha.” He rolls his eyes. “You’re so funny.”
When he sees the tears on my cheeks, he pulls me into a hug, ignoring the duffel and the fact that my arms are in the way.
“You’re going to be fine. Ian’s here. And I’ll be home soon. Watch the sky for me?”
His words catch me off guard, and I start sobbing into his chest.
When our parents died, we used to stay outside at night, staring up at the stars, waiting for something to change. Every flicker in the sky told us that we were alive. And it turned into more. A beacon of hope for the two of us.
“Every night.” I cry harder. “I promise.”
“I’m coming home, Chloe,” he tells me as he lets go and starts walking away when they call his flight again. “I’ll see you soon.”
When I close my eyes, I know he is dead.
“He died,” I cry to myself in the darkness. “He died.”
Over and over, I say the words until my throat burns from use, until there’s ash where my tongue should be. I can’t stop trying to wake up from the nightmare.
Until the light changes, and I know I’m trapped in my own personal hell.
Staring at my brother’s grave.
“I’m home.” Kevin’s voice floats from the coffin. “I promised I’d come home, and I did.”
I step forward, and the lid swings open on its own, showing Kevin lying there, with a bullet in his head. I’m staring at him, with his eyes forever open and a hole in his forehead right above his eyes.
“This didn’t happen,” I try to remind myself. “None of this happened.”
Even as my fingers reach blindly into the coffin and grasp the hand that I know doesn’t belong to Kevin, it feels so real. It’s always too real. I can’t ever escape.
I fight harder than ever, trying to leave, to run away, but my feet are glued there, in the grass. I can’t leave. I can’t even budge.
And there is no one else here with me.
Ian is gone, too.
I’m all alone as Kevin’s coffin closes again.
They’re lowering his body into the ground.
I’m losing him.
All over again.
“Watch the sky for me, Chloe.” His words echo forever in my mind like he is standing there at my side. “Watch the sky and don’t give up.”
And then I see the rest of the coffins, lowering into the ground at the same time. Every tombstone emblazoned with the name of a man who’d been taken from his family too soon.
Just like every single time I close my eyes.
Daniel Hayes.
Lincoln Hayes.
Jeremy Townsend.
Dominic Ortiz.
Logan Pierce.
Sebastian Keller.
Every single one of them.
Dead.
And they will never come home.
Behind me, I hear the cries of their families, and I know it’s my fault. All my fault.
With a gasp, I sit up and can’t stop the tears that start to fall down my cheeks. A week. I went a week without the nightmares, and the first night home, there they are.
“Chloe?” Ian is up with me, careful not to touch me until he sees that I’m awake so that he won’t interrupt a dream. “Chloe, are you okay?”
I sob, unable to stop the tears.
Ian takes me into his arms, rubbing my back and letting me rest my head against his chest. “It’s okay, Chloe. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
It isn’t until he says the words that I realize I’ve been talking.
Begging him not to leave.
Not to leave me.
Finally, after what feels like hours, the tears stop and we are left in silence. Silence that should break me, but it doesn’t.
“Do you want to talk about it?” His question isn’t probing, isn’t demanding, isn’t trying to force me into a conversation that I’m not ready for.
But I can’t tell him.
I can’t even find the strength to open my mouth, let alone form the words that will bring my nightmare into reality.
Instead, I curl into his arms and try to let a dreamless sleep take me. At least for a few seconds, until the alarm on my phone starts blaring.
“No,” I groan.
I already feel like shit, like I haven’t gotten any sleep.
“I’m sorry, Chloe.” Ian kisses the top of my head. “We’ve both got to get back to work. I’m sure Audrey’s office is falling apart without you, and I’ve got a new patient on my docket that my office manager’s already sent me two texts about.”
Grumbling the entire time, I get out of bed and get dressed for the day, wanting nothing more than to crawl back in bed and hide under the blankets.
Thankfully, Ian has coffee made by the time I put a brush through my hair and finish.
“How do you look so good?” I take the offered cup and sit down, practically drooling.
He is wearing a pair of black trousers with a white button-up shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. The muscles in his arms are flexed, and I have images in my brain of what he looks like out of those clothes.
“They’re a little tight.” Ian rubs a hand down his abdomen. “I pulled them out of the closet and I must have left them after… But I’ll bring my clothes back over, if that’s okay. I’ve just been working out a lot since I didn’t have anything else to do with my time.”
I don’t answer him, not because I don’t want to, but because I have a mouthful of coffee that I’m savoring while I watch him. He stands there, waiting for an answer, so I give him a short nod and then swallow the liquid caffeine. “Yeah, that’s good. I didn’t find your key so we might need to go make you another one.”
“I kept it,” he admits immediately. “I should have given it back, but I didn’t.”
“That’s okay.” I flush, remembering how much everything that happened really was my fault. “I’m glad you kept it. And I’m happy you didn’t give up on me.”
He has to be tired of hearing me apologize for breaking it off with him. But instead of looking like he is frustrated or getting exhausted with me, Ian is staring at me with a smile on his face.
“I’m gonna spend the rest of my life, if that’s what it takes, convincing you to smile the way you were while you were staring at that coffee.” He crosses the kitchen and takes the cup from my hand, setting it on the counter carefully before turning back to me. “I love you, Chloe. That’s not gonna change, and it didn’t change even when you thought you broke me. We’re together, and we’re going to be stronger than before. Do you understand?”
I nod and then stand up on my tiptoes so that I can press my lips to his.
“Good,” he murmurs. “Now, we’re both gonna be late. Wanna ride together?”
Working in the same building comes with benefits. Ones that I really like that afternoon when he pulls me into his office at lunch.
“Hey,” Audrey calls out while I’m daydreaming over the fun we had instead of eating. “What’s on your mind besides the hot doc across the hall?”
“Nothing.” I sigh, sounding exactly like a teenager in love. “What’s up?”
“While you were gone, I had a new patient call to schedule, but you know I don’t like touching your scheduling thing.” She waves a hand at my computer. “So, will you get her information when she comes in?”
“It’s a computer, Audrey.” I laugh. “They’re not hard to work, and you’re only a decade older than I am. Your phone has more technology in it than my computer.”
Audrey brushes her hair over her shoulder, pretending to be offended. “I don’t care. It hates me, and I wasn’t going to try to figure it out.”
With a laugh, I shoo her back to her office and pull up the scheduling application that I use, which is literally an offshoot of Google so there is no way for it to confuse her, but that isn’t my problem. At least I have job security.
When the door to the office opens, I look up with a smile on my face. One that freezes completely when I see the now-familiar redhead walk through.
“Hey there,” Kaylie Harmon says with a smile. “Fancy seeing you here.”
I sit in shock for a moment, then I pull my head out of my ass and stand up. “Hi, Kaylie. It’s nice to see you again. Can I help you with something?”
“Oh, yes.” She looks around. “After my accident, Kyle took a sabbatical from work, and we decided to come to Birch Harbor. Where his brother lives,” she prompts. “For a change of pace.” She smooths an imaginary wrinkle out of the black dress she is wearing. “I scheduled an appointment with a therapist who specializes in trauma, and Audrey Martin came with the highest recommendations.”
“Great.” I make a quick recovery. “I’ll just need to get a copy of your health insurance and ID. Then you can have a seat.” I motion to the waiting area. “Audrey will be out in just a few minutes.”
“Oh, this is cash pay,” Kaylie says with another bright smile. “I will just write a check right now.”
After I have a copy of her ID and the check in hand, Kaylie sits down and proceeds to completely ignore me. Five minutes later, Audrey escorts her back to her office.
Just before she enters, she says, “If you want to head out, I can lock up.” Audrey nods toward the door. “I know this wasn’t on the schedule and I’m sure you and Ian have plans tonight.”
I smile, unable to help myself. “You really are the best boss ever.”
“Yeah, right.” She shakes her head and starts to close the door. “I gotta keep you happy so you don’t abandon me to my own devices. We both know Ian would love to steal you for his practice, not that he needs the help.”
Once I have my bag in my hand, I walk into the hall and open the door to Ian’s office, greeting his receptionist with a smile.
“He’s almost done,” she says without looking up from her notes. “And can I just say that I’m beyond thrilled that the two of you made up? It’s been almost insufferable to deal with his moping around without you.”
Desiree has worked for Ian from day one, and she is even more efficient than I am. At forty, she’s already raised her daughter and sent her off to college, and she just wants to work in a quiet office.
“Thanks, Desiree.” I sit down and pull out my phone. “Any idea how long he’s gonna be?”
“No,” she says while shaking her head. “The new patient’s definitely a doozy, though. A lot of trouble, and then his wife almost died, so he’s been processing a lot of those feelings.”
The door to Ian’s office opens as she finishes saying that, and I look up to see none other than Kyle Harmon walking out in front of Ian.
“Thank you,” Kyle is saying. “It means a lot. I’ll take a look at all of these resources and make a choice.”
“No problem.” Ian shakes his hand. “It’s a difficult time, but you can definitely get through it with the right tools.”
They both pause when I clear my throat, not wanting them to accidentally discuss anything privileged in front of me.
“Hey…” Kyle hesitates. “It’s Chloe, right?” When I nod, he gives me a brief smile before it falls off his face. “Nice to see you again.” He turns back to Ian. “I’ll give you a call.”
“Sounds good.”
Kyle leaves, and Ian gives me a quick kiss on the lips. “Hey, Chloe. You ready to go?”
“Yep.” I check the clock. “Just in time for dinner.”
Ian grabs his briefcase from the office and closes the door, locking it before turning to Desiree. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Night, you two,” Desiree coos without looking up from her work on the computer.
As we walk out of the building toward the parking lot, Ian links our hands together. “I love you. You know that?”
“Yeah,” I answer. “But what sparked that?”
He pauses. “Just the fact that not everyone is lucky enough to have a strong second chance.” He kisses the tip of my nose playfully. “What do you want for dinner?”
“I don’t care,” I tell him honestly. “As long as I’m with you, I’d go anywhere.”
“Tacos it is.” He laughs. “Just kidding. Let’s get steak and veggies and head home.”
“Home sounds amazing.”