19. Hero Complex
Chapter nineteen
Hero Complex
Owen
This place is my best kept secret. No one knows about it, not even Leon and my brothers. It’s like my own personal safe house. It’s isolated. You can’t see it from the air. It's hidden by the surrounding woods. Wild and untamed. It’s self-sufficient, solar-powered for all the energy I need. I bring most of the basic food with me. Shop when I need more. It even has a small spring that provides fresh water. It was exactly what I thought I needed; Isolated, quiet, peaceful, no-one around for at least fifteen miles in any direction.
I’ve spent most of my time building the new veranda for the place, thinking this would help me calm my mind. Turns out I needed more, so I’ve started seeing a therapist online. Working with wood has brought me calm many times before this, only this time it didn’t work. The harder I tried, the more I poured myself into it, it still couldn’t calm the tormented thoughts that kept coming. The flashbacks at the sound of a loud noise, the fear that gripped my chest.
I can’t stop thinking about her, Charlie. It’s taken all my willpower to not set my phone up and contact her, or open my laptop to see what she’s doing from the security system I installed so I could check in on everything else. Fuck, who am I kidding? I gave in about a month in, and I’ve been checking in, in my own way.
Have I made a mistake coming here to the lodge? Yes, I’m not sure being on my own is good for me. But at least I got the veranda built.
I’ve relived it all over and over, retold the memories of what happened during those four days in our unit. The pain and loss of each and every friend who died during our last mission.
I’ve hit an all-time fucking low. Coming here was one of the worst things I could have done. I can’t see a way to fix what’s happening to me.
Their names and their faces haunt me. The memories of our time in the unit. How each of them died in our arms. Guilt, that’s what it comes down to. Guilt that four of us walked away that day, while the others were flown home to be buried and mourned by their families.
Guilt that it was my responsibility to keep them safe, and I didn’t. It was my job as CO. Guilt that I missed a vital part of information, a breach in our team, that led to six of my men losing their lives.
I know I made the right decision to step away from Charlie, but I did it for all the wrong reasons.
All I’ve done is isolate myself from the people who care about me. I can’t think straight.
I’ve been in therapy for months. I’m on the verge of firing his ass too, just like I did the first guy after two weeks. He only made it worse. Now I can’t get them out of my head, and we haven't even touched on Millie's case yet.
This new guy. Fuck, I don’t know.
“Owen, you need to listen to what I’m saying. Have you been writing in your journal?” Fucking journaling, not a chance.
“No, and I won’t be. I’ve already told you that. That shit doesn’t work.”
“Your PTSD is triggered by a number of things, especially in your line of work.” He writes something in his notebook about me.
“What are you saying?” My eyes meet his in a warning. We’ve been doing this remotely over a secure channel on my laptop. My hands clamp together and I can only guess what’s coming next.
“Do you think it’s responsible to keep working in the security field?” He has to be shitting me. My teeth grind together in frustration. Why can’t he see what I need?
“What?” No, he fucking didn’t just tell me to get another career, in his backwards way. Stepping away from it, all I’ve done is think about my friends, the assignments. I miss it, even if the flashbacks still come. I do understand what he’s trying to get at, not that I’ll give him the fucking satisfaction of letting him know. I just need to get a handle on it. I need something different.
“Is there any other option available within your company that could offer you a more permanent, relaxed role?” He’s serious.
“A more relaxed fucking role?” Yes, he did. He absolutely did just tell me to step back from the business I love and the people who support me the most. I miss it all, but to give it up completely and watch my brothers do all the assignments and jobs without me? No. Not going to happen.
“Owen, we have been doing this for months, with no real change in sight.”
“You're right. There’s been no change in how I feel.” If anything, it’s stayed the same. I’m just alone now.
“Stepping away from the people I love has made me worse.” When I left, I couldn’t get it out of my head that it wasn’t my fault. I needed an escape. I wanted to be better for Charlie and my brothers. Distorted beliefs, that’s what I’ve come to understand makes me blame myself more than necessary. That’s what this dude said anyway. “But if I remove myself from them permanently…” My chest tightens at the thought. Never doing what I love, never being part of my team, never seeing her again. Fuck that.
“This time alone has been good and bad for you. You have made some progress in your understanding of your condition,” he admits.
I have a better understanding of my PTSD. Millie's shooting was the final trigger. The sound of the gun going off caused my flashbacks to start. The only thing I’m lacking now is a way to get it under control. The distorted beliefs I had and not being able to protect Charlie consumed me. I knew there was no actual risk to her life, but just couldn’t process it.
In my mind, I wasn’t good enough at what I did, and if any risk came up, well all I could see was Charlie getting hurt on my watch. So I left to keep her safe.
The fire I feel in my veins when I think of what I did, leaving her, still pisses me off. I hate being away from her, my friends, my brothers. I just hope she can forgive me. Or even just understand why I had to do it. Granted, I could have handled things better. Hindsight is a powerful thing, I suppose.
I thought being on my own at the lodge would be ideal, time to clear my head. I thought it would give all the resolve I needed to get my head back in line. To get the negative thoughts turned around and back on track.
I thought I needed to get over this fear of losing everyone I loved. The fear and anxiety I hold close to my chest so that I can protect what’s mine, or as Charlie put it, my hero complex.
How fucking right she was.
“No, stepping away has never been a possibility in the long term, and never will be. I love what I do, but I need to develop a way to deal with it, so I can live with it, not push it all away. I know what I need.”
“Owen…”
“No, fuck you, doc. I will never stop doing what I love. I will find a way to deal with this.” There’s an idea forming I think may work.
“Owen…”
I’m letting it all out, I can’t hold back. “It’s not a negative to have a hero complex, but I do need to understand what is and is not within my control. And you keep telling me to start again, a fresh sheet. That’s not helping me.”
“That’s not…”
“To late, doc. You’re fired.” Shutting the lid on the laptop I lean my head back on the sofa. This conversation has flicked a switch. I’m not leaving my life behind to start a new one. I’ve already abandoned the people I care about. I don’t want to make it permanent. I said I would be back, and I meant it.
This solitude, the calm and peace, I want none of it unless she’s by my side.
Swiping my hands over my face, I know I have a lot to deal with. I can’t be there for her yet, but I will. I’ll make it up to her when I’m ready.
Walking upstairs, my heart racing with excitement of what I’m about to do, this is the best I have felt in a long time. I need to pack my bag with the essentials I’ll need for the journey. I’ll leave tonight.
I need to face my demons head on.
There was no way in hell I wanted to cut my family off, my brothers and especially Charlie. Fuck . I want to be better for her, for them. My therapist’s words ring true to a point. I have to admit. This time away has been both good for me and the worst idea I have ever had.
I jumped in feet first. Facing my issues head on, in a way I thought was right. My head was fucked up. I did what I thought was the right thing to do. I’ve been here for six months. It’s just not worked out for me like I thought it would. I need to try something else. A therapy that will see me facing my PTSD while surrounded by the people who I know will be able to see it from my point of view. And help in only the way they can.
There’s only one way to deal with what is going on in my head, and that’s to work in the field again. Under the special division. Tracking Dom, our special ops team leader, and his team is going to be a little harder when you have limited access to the system we use to find info on people. I only have a vague location to go from.
I’ve been MIA, but I have been with my friends and Charlie, every step of the way. In everything. They just have no idea.