Chapter 8 Monday Morning
MONDAY MORNING
I watch as Amber gathers the last of her things from the bedroom, tucking them into her duffel bag. She dresses in a pair of jeans and a light blue sweater, closing the bag with a sigh.
“I think that’s all of it,” she says, flopping down on the bed beside me. “I guess if you find anything else, you can just…” She shrugs, looking down at her hands. “You can put it in Laurie’s room, and she’ll find it soon enough.”
“Yeah.” I don’t know what else to say that won’t hurt us both, so I just reach out and take her hand.
Amber curls her fingers around mine and sighs.
“You meant it though, right?” Her eyes lift to mine. “If I wasn’t me, and you weren’t you, and we were the same age…” She trails off, and the question hangs heavy in the air between us.
“I meant it. Really.” I stroke her hand. “Maybe in another life. Our next lives, huh?” I raise a hand to her cheek, and give her a soft smile. “I’ll be looking out for you.”
“I’ll make sure I’m born a little sooner next time,” she says with a sad laugh, her face falling. She throws herself at me, wrapping her arms around me, and I bury my face in the crook of her neck. “I’m going to miss this.”
“Me, too, honey.” I give her a last squeeze, and she pulls back from me slowly.
“But it’ll be alright. You’re going to go out there, and have the whole world at your feet.
” I sweep her hair back over her shoulder.
“You’re going to build bridges over the most impossible canyons, go places everyone said you couldn’t go.
It’s all right there, ahead of you. And it’s going to be amazing. ”
She opens her mouth to speak, but her phone buzzes. She exhales heavily, and grabs it from the night stand. Her eyes move over the screen, and then her thumb swipes out a message.
“My parents are on their way back, they’ll be home in a couple hours.” She lifts her eyes back to my face. “I guess I should go and make it look like I was home all weekend.”
“I guess so.”
“I’ll, uh, see Laurie when she gets back.” Amber moves her hand to my arm, but pulls back before her fingers can do more than just brush my skin, and gets to her feet. “I should go.”
“Yeah.” I should say something more, right? Not just make it sound like I want her to go. I drag my feet to follow her down to the door, surprised when she heads for the garage, then remembering her little stunt on Saturday morning when she no doubt slipped out the side door.
Of course, she can’t be seen this time either, leaving my house with a packed bag like she just spent the weekend.
My heart sinks. I want to tell her to stay. I want to ask her to stay forever, and never leave, and whatever anyone thinks be damned.
But I’m too old. I can’t tie down a woman this young to a man my age.
She hesitates at the door, turning back to look up at me.
“Thank you,” she says quietly.
“You don’t have to thank me.”
“Yes, I do.” She reaches up and strokes my cheek. “You made me feel like I’ve never felt before, with anyone. And I…” She sighs, her eyes dropping from mine. “I’ll never forget it.”
“Me neither.”
She smiles, still not looking at me. Without another word, she slips through the door and out into the cold Fall morning.
Just like that, she’s gone.
I stare at the door for a long time. I don’t know what I’m expecting. Maybe I think she’ll come running back, like the stupid old fool I am. Everything feels heavy.
Heavy and sad.
The next few hours are spent floating through the day like a lost ghost. Laurie sends me fourteen snaps on her way back from Connecticut, my phone pinging wildly as I change the sheets on my bed. Once the laundry is on and washing, I head to the gym.
I keep my eyes forward, determinedly forward, as I drive past Amber’s house. I try to ignore her little blue Golf in the drive.
It’s quiet, being a Monday morning, and I work out until my muscles are screaming at me and my body is drenched in sweat.
Even the gym manager, Corey, tells me to take it easy when he can see me pushing myself.
It’s better than thinking about Amber though.
This pain I can soothe with a bath and some tiger balm.
God I am a fucking fool, moping like a heartbroken teenager.
I get home, taking the alternative route through the neighbourhood so I don’t pass her house again, and head for the shower, feeling the tiniest bit better once I’m clean. Wandering the kitchen and realizing I hate all the food I have in my house, I decide to just fuck it all and order a pizza.
Crippling depression and carb-loading - the day is going great.
I pick up my phone, and there’s a couple of pictures from Martin, from his son’s baseball game. I don’t know why, but I hit the green phone icon, and call Martin’s number.
“Hello there little brother,” he says in a low voice. “Your busy weekend over?”
I laugh awkwardly. “Yeah, yeah, all over.”
“And? When do we meet her?”
I rub the back of my neck as the thought of my family actually meeting Amber makes me break out in sweat. “Oh, no, it’s… It’s not like that. It was just a casual thing.”
“Too much information, Theo.” Martin’s tone is teasing, and he sniggers quietly. “Not that I’m not happy for you, of course.”
“Haha.” I roll my eyes, and run my fingertips along the wooden countertop. “Can I ask you something?”
“It’d be kinda weird if I just said no, I guess.”
“Did you… I mean, when you were younger, before you were married, did you…” I take a deep breath, wondering how to formulate this question without it sounding really weird. “Did you sleep with a lot of people? I mean, that you weren’t in a relationship with?”
Martin chokes out a laugh. “What?”
“I mean… Fuck. What am I trying to say?” I press my thumb and fingers against my closed eyes and growl out a breath. “Did you ever have problems with casual sex? Like, it made you feel gross? You hated one night stands? You only had sex with girlfriends?”
“Oh, you’re asking if I’m demisexual?”
My hand drops from my face. “What?”
“Theo, I’m surprised at you.” Martin tuts down the phone. “A college professor, with a college aged daughter, who doesn’t know about various sexual preferences?”
“You may be my older brother but we both know I could kick your ass.”
Martin laughs out loud. “Yeah, yeah, Mr Universe, we know. To answer your question, no, I’m not demisexual. I mean, I wasn’t like some manwhore, but I did get around a little at college. I thought you did, too.”
I swallow hard. “I did, a little. But, I always found it hard to separate sex and emotions. I found it hard to… have those feelings for someone I didn’t know.” I squint at the window, where rain has started pattering against the pane again. “Hold up, who explained all this to you?”
“Riley,” Martin replies. “She’s doing this gender studies class and found out all sorts of things about herself, and then she bombarded us all with these tests so we’d find out where we sat on the scale.”
“Your daughter has as inquisitive a mind as you do, I see.” I laugh to myself, shaking my head. “Let me guess, she wants to be a sex therapist now.”
“How did you know?” Martin chuckles. “Seriously though, I think for us men it’s harder to admit something like that to ourselves. First off, we never talked about it growing up. Second, well, we’re meant to be sex-crazed and up for it no matter what, no matter when, no matter who, right?”
If only you knew. My cheeks burn with shame.
“I…I guess.”
“Does she know?”
I choke a little and clear my throat with a cough. “Wh-who? Know what?”
“Your lady friend,” Martin says with a drawl. “Because the way you just said that it was just casual, and now you’re talking like this, maybe you should tell her that it meant more to you?”
“No, I can’t.” I sigh heavily. “She’s… Not in a position to be in a relationship.”
“Oh, Theo.” Martin’s voice is instantly strained with concern. “She’s not married, is she?”
“No! No, nothing like that, oh my god!” I sputter, trying to come up with some good reason other than admitting the woman I just fucked all weekend til she crawled into my heart and brain was less than half my age and just happened to be my daughter’s best friend.
“She’s just… She’s on her way to having an amazing new job, not near here.
And I didn’t want to hold her back. She made it clear she just wanted… some fun.”
“Ah.” Martin sighs. “I’m sorry, Theo.”
“No, it’s fine. I’ll be fine. Carb overload, some whiskey, and I’ll have forgotten about her before I know it.”
“Sure.” Martin doesn’t sound sure at all, and I know I damn well don’t. “Hey, uh, why don’t I come down to see you in a couple weeks? Jasper would love to spend some time with his uncle.”
“Sure, that’d be great, I’d like that.”
“Good.”
We both pause awkwardly, not knowing what else to say, and I think if I keep talking the truth will spill out of me and that’ll be bad.
“Hey, look, I better go,” I say quickly just as Martin begins to speak. “I’ve got some stuff to do before Laurie gets home.”
“Sure, of course. Tell her I said hi.”
“Will do!”
I swipe away the call like the phone is on fire and about to reveal all my secrets.
It’s fine. I’ll be fine.
I lean heavily on the countertop, my phone pinging to let me know the driver is on their way with my pizza. I open the app, the words swimming in front of me, and I look around on the counter for my glasses. They’re not there.
They must be on my desk.
I head into the office, and sure enough, there they are.
I round the desk, and step on something soft with my bare foot.
I look down, and my heart lurches when I see it’s a pair of Amber’s lacy panties.
My face is on fire, and I feverishly pace the house for any more traces of her, because how in the fuck would I ever explain that to my daughter.
Sure, those panties could belong to anyone, it’s not like they have a big bold sign printed on them saying, Property of the 20 year old woman your father fucked all over the house while you were away for the weekend. Oh, and she’s also your best friend.
At the end of my search, I’m left with two pairs of Amber’s panties.
The pair from the office, and the pair that I made her take off at the restaurant.
They were still tucked into my pocket. I stare at them before stuffing them into my night stand, to be dealt with later.
I can’t very well leave those lying in Laurie’s room to be returned later.
I take a deep, steadying breath, and scold myself for being so damned anxious.
It was what it was. It’s over now. No one has to know. Put it behind you, old man.
By the time Laurie returns that night, I’ve almost convinced myself that I can.