Chapter 9 19 Months Later #3
Amber is leaning against the wall, her hands tucked behind her, her eyes fixed on me, knowing exactly I was coming to follow her. Even in the semi-darkness, the desire in her face is more than obvious.
“You found me,” she murmurs.
I should say something. We should talk. We should really talk.
But like the fool that I am, I don’t say anything, because being this close to her, being alone with her again after all this time, sets my blood roaring.
I rush at her, pinning her against the wall and taking her face in my hands as my mouth comes down to meet hers. She kisses me back eagerly, not a hint of hesitation as her trembling fingers curl around the back of my neck.
“We shouldn’t be doing this,” I breathe against her mouth, and she nibbles at my lips. “I… I should be better than this.”
“You think I don’t want this?” She pulls me closer, pressing her body wrapped in that fucking sexy blue dress against me. “You think I haven’t dreamed of you losing control the minute you saw me again?”
My mouth comes down on hers again, although I know damn well at any moment someone could round that corner and the whole game would be up. Here, at my daughter’s fucking graduation party, I’m in the arms of her best friend like a dirty old man.
“Take me home,” Amber murmurs, gazing up at me. “I want you to take me home, and take me to bed. I missed you so much.”
I let her go with a heavy breath, hands braced against the wall either side of her. “Amber, we need to talk.”
“I don’t want to talk,” she says, her mouth hovering close to mine. “No talking now. I just need you to fuck me.”
My hands curl into fists as I try to maintain my self-control. “Amber, we can’t do this.”
“How many times did you watch our videos?” Her lips curl into a smile against mine as I suck in a breath. “How many times do you think I watched them?” Her hands drop to my belt. “Do you know how many nights I lay in my bed, watching those videos and making myself come, dreaming of you?”
“Amber.” I put a shaking hand to her cheek, and she nips at me, taking my lower lip between her teeth. I groan at the sensation and push her back against the wall. “Honey, we… we can’t.”
“But you want to.” Her hands run down my back, to my ass, and she grinds herself against me. “Do you know how wet I am right now, thinking about you?”
I’m a good man. I’m better than this. I am fucking better than this.
Except I’m not.
Because I lean into her, kissing her ferociously, cupping her breast in my hand, earning me a sweet little whimper.
I want nothing more than to put a hand between her legs and see just how wet she is for me.
She opens her legs to grind herself against my thigh, and gasps into my mouth.
“Theo,” she murmurs, in that tone I’ve missed so much, the voice that’s been the star of my dreams every single fucking night. “Theo.”
The moment is shattered when a firework goes off above our heads.
I jump away from her, and in the showering light of the falling embers, Amber’s lips are full and parted, her hair dishevelled, her dress riding up her thighs.
She’s beautiful, and she wants me. I should see that.
I should see her. But all I can see as I look at this woman who just begged me to take her home, are all the people out there, the people who love us, finding out what I’ve done to her.
Amber gives me a slow smile, and reaches for me.
“Come back here,” she says, and bites her lip.
“I can’t.” I want to fucking die at the look she gives me.
She lowers her hands, frowning, shaking her head. “I-I don’t understand-”
“Honey, we can’t do this. I’m… I’m sorry. But…” I run my hands through my hair with a growl. “We just can’t do this.”
“You don’t want me?” She asks in a shaky voice, and I want to say yes, I do want her.
I want to say that I want her more than air because the past two years have been fucking torture.
Because I never stopped thinking about her.
Because I watched those videos every single fucking day, even the ones I knew I should erase, where she’s moaning my name and I’m roaring hers as I come.
That I lay awake at night aching for her warmth against my chest. That waking up every morning alone is miserable.
That I fucking cried when she got engaged.
That my heart belongs to her because I’m a fool who fell for her in the space of 72 hours.
But I know that if I don’t finish this now, it’ll never be done, not for her. I’ll always be the good man, the one who got away, the one who she dreams about. No man will ever measure up, not if I don’t destroy that image she has in her head. I can’t hold on to her. She can’t keep me.
It needs to stop. So I end it, the only way I know how.
“No, I don’t.”
Amber gasps, her eyes dropping from mine. Her hand flies to her mouth, and I hate myself.
“Amber, I’m sorry, but… you’re too young. You’re a girl. You don’t know what you want.”
Her eyes flash to mine, filled with pain and tears. “Yes I do. I do.”
“No you don’t.” I shake my head. “We had a great weekend together, it was a lot of fun. But it was just sex. Good sex isn’t all there is to a relationship, and the fact you think it is shows me you’re too immature for this.”
“Immature?” She rushes at me and shoves me in the chest. “How can you say that to me?”
“Go back to the party, honey.” I seize her wrists, and look down at her sternly. “Go to Boston, and forget about me. Forget about all of it. It didn’t mean anything, remember?”
“Fuck you!” She covers her face with her hands, her shoulders shaking as she cries.
Fix this. Fix it now. Fucking say something, you goddamn coward.
But she runs away from me before I can say anything.
Fireworks keep going off above my head, and the people I love, my family, my daughter, cheer and laugh and celebrate.
But I know that somewhere, a woman is crying her eyes out because of me. I ruined her graduation party, I ruined her memories of our time together, and I became just like all the other assholes who hurt her.
Even at my big age, I still managed to act like a little shit, and make her feel used.
You really don’t deserve her.
I float through the rest of the night, trying not to notice when Amber’s mother comes out of the house, concern on her face as she says something to her husband. He frowns and hands her a set of car keys, and she waves him off with a sad smile.
Amber’s mother leaves, and when Laurie asks where Amber is, someone says that she went home because she was sick.
I can’t take it anymore, and ask Mella to drive Laurie home.
I leave the party quietly, not wanting to ruin Laurie’s fun.
Then I go home, down half a bottle of whiskey, and pass out in my bed, hoping to god I don’t dream of tear-filled brown eyes and that sweet voice calling my name.
Of course, I fucking do.