7. Emma
Tacos and tequila. They are the ultimate cure for anything and everything that can possibly go wrong in my life. That cure is exactly how I find myself sitting in Kennedy’s usual booth at Lucy’s, with a plate of tacos and a margarita sitting in front of me, just waiting for me to devour them.
I don’t even have to worry about driving home. I’ve got my ride on standby.
My best friend is running late. So when I stuff the last taco on my plate into my mouth, I grab one off the plate I’d ordered for her and start eating that, too.
“Party foul,” Kennedy groans when she sees that her plate only has two of the delicious morsels sitting on it. “You don’t take my tacos. That’s against the rules.” I know she isn’t mad, though. Not only is she smiling, but I’ve been taking tacos off her plate for a long time.
Once she slides into the booth, she reaches over the table and steals my drink, leaving the plate where it is for the moment.
“I don’t know why they won’t just bring you two of them. So I have one when I get here, too.” She takes half my drink down in one gulp.
“I didn’t ask for two,” I admit. “I figured if there were two sitting here, I’d drink them both, and then I’d be drunk before you even got here. And then you’d have to drink twice as many to catch up.”
“Whatever.” She sniffs dramatically. Then she raises her hand in the air like we are still in elementary school and waves down none other than Violet Ortiz, Dom’s little sister.
Vi, who works for Parker at Lucy’s to pay for college, walks up with a broad smile on her face. “Hey, Kennedy. You ready for a drink and your own plate of tacos?”
“Yep.” Kennedy nods fervently. “This asshole already started eating the ones she ordered for me.”
“How’s Bee doing?” I pipe up. “Did you see her before work today?” What I want to ask is if she’s talked to her brother and if he mentioned anything about me, but I don’t say a single word about that.
Vi laughs. “That girl is a riot.” She shakes her head slightly. “She’s already plotting to take over the world. I can’t believe she’s only six.”
“Seven,” I correct. “She just turned seven. But she is extremely smart and doesn’t stop, ever. You should see her with a marker or a pen in her hand. The girl can draw. Like… better than anyone else I know. And that’s saying something since you both know that I’m pretty good myself.”
Vi hums. “I’ll have to break out some of my old art supplies for her.” She smiles at me. “She’s doing great, Emma. Even though it’s only been a day. And I think Mama said that her uncle is going to make arrangements to have her in his home by the end of the month if everything works out the way it should. I guess he lives up beyond Bangor or Houlton or something like that, so it won’t be too far for her to adjust. At least he’s not out of state.”
I nod at that, making a mental note to put together a card or something to give him so that he has all my information in case Bee wants to get in touch with me. I want to make sure that if Bee needs me, I can be there for her at any time, day or night. “Thank you.”
Vi nods and walks away with a smile on her face and the notebook with our order in her hand.
“Hey,” Kennedy interrupts the silence suddenly, clapping her hands together. “Today was your first day. You didn’t text me and ask me to get you out of there. How’d it go? Was it everything you thought it might be? I take it since you canceled your run tonight, you didn’t feel up for it? Was it exhausting?”
I flush, unable to help it. Either the alcohol is stronger than I think it is, or the embarrassment of Dom telling the chief of police that a kiss with me didn’t mean anything has brought me down to a new low that I’m ashamed to tell even my best friend about.
I vote the alcohol.
“It was amazing,” I tell a little white lie to save myself. “I wasn’t in dispatch, like I thought I’d be for the first day. I was out with my training officer, observing while he worked his cases.”
“Who is it?” Kennedy munches happily on her taco. “I thought you were gonna have Amie, but you said ‘he’ so it’s one of the guys.”
I flush some more, and thankfully she isn’t looking at me but at the food she’s shoving in her mouth. Buying a little time, I pick up my drink and take a long and loud slurp of the frozen goodness in the glass. Too much, it seems, because my mouth freezes and my head starts to burn.
“Oooooh,” I moan. Then I clutch my head and scrunch up my face, trying to get rid of the ache. “Brain freeze.”
Kennedy laughs at me, snickering at my pain. Thankfully, it only lasts a second before it eases off. But that second feels like a lifetime where my head is concerned.
“Is it Eddie?” Kennedy asks, clearly trying to get more information out of me. “I’d think it might be a conflict of interest, since you dumped him and all and had a terrible relationship, but I don’t know. I do know that it’s not Linc because he would have told me immediately if it was. And I don’t think they’d stick you with Remy, because he’s got Daisy and you’re not training to be a K-9 officer.”
She asked about Eddie.
Eddie Stryker.
Even his name makes me feel bad in a way I should have gotten over years ago. Eddie was my high school sweetheart, at least that’s what I called him before I learned better. He was a senior my freshman year, and we started dating the last week of school. We were together the entire time I was in high school and even a little after, but he wanted more than I could give him. More than I wanted to give him. But he never pushed for more, and I never walked away. Not until the end.
“It’s not my fault he wanted to get married as soon as I graduated high school,” I point out. “How could I say yes when I didn’t even know what living was? I hadn’t even had a chance to go to college yet. To struggle. Or stay up late knowing that if I failed it was all my responsibility.” I nod at Vi when she brings more food for both of us and a drink for Kennedy, along with a glass of water for me. Sometimes, it really is nice that we are regulars, especially when Vi knows to keep bringing more tacos and to put them on my tab to pay when I get ready to leave.
“I dunno,” Kennedy says idly while she sips her drink. “Eddie’s not a bad guy. I think he’s just protective of his friends and the life he lives. He wouldn’t make a bad TO.”
“He’s not a bad guy.” I agree with her. “He’s just not my guy.” We’ve had the conversation about Eddie multiple times, and Kennedy always thinks I’m weird for breaking up with him.
But I know the truth. As much as it hurts to admit, Eddie isn’t my future and I don’t want to waste his time or mine by leading him on when there isn’t anything there. That would only make things worse in the long run.
“I’m not saying that you should have married him.” Kennedy takes a huge drink of her margarita and burps loudly. “I’m saying that you never explained to me why you broke up with him. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy. And as far as I can tell, you don’t really hate his guts or anything. And he doesn’t hate you. So, what was it?”
“He doesn’t give me vagina butterflies,” I explain, knowing there’s no getting out of telling her the truth.
When Kennedy gets on a tangent, she’ll stay on it forever if she needs to.
“What?” Kennedy snorts margarita all over the table.
“Gross.” I pull my napkin off the table and use it to clean the ice and tequila mix off my face and arms and then wipe down my part of the table for good measure.
“Did you just say vagina butterflies?” Kennedy stares at me with raised eyebrows and margarita dripping from her lips. “That’s what’s gross. Not my reaction.” She sips her drink again. “Now, explain what you meant.”
“Well, as gross as this is to discuss with my sister-in-law because we both know that you get them from Linc.” I eye her seriously. “I was talking about the fact that when I look at him, I don’t want to have sex with him. Not even remotely. I like him. He’s a good guy and a great friend. But he’s not what I want to have in my bed at night. He doesn’t kiss me and make the world melt at the edges just by holding me in his arms. I don’t want to settle for someone who just makes me smile. I want all the fireworks. The ones that my parents have. The same ones I see with you and Linc. That’s what I mean about vagina butterflies. I want to see a man and feel my body clench and just want him. You know what I mean?”
While she processes what I said, I stare at my second plate of tacos and try to force myself to eat the suddenly unappetizing food. Instead, I think about Dom and all the reasons why I’m mad. It all boils down to one thing.
The kiss.
Sitting in the truck with him all day, fighting the desire to reach out and just… touch him because I felt the spark with him. The electricity between us that creates an undeniable pull. Except, it’s completely one-sided. And every day of the last year that I’ve spent trying to get his attention has been a waste.
All of it for nothing.
Only for him to turn around and tell my new boss that it didn’t mean anything when he finally freaking kissed me.
With a sigh, I let it slide off my shoulders. There is literally nothing I can do about it. I can’t make him want me. I can’t make him see me as anything other than another officer. But I can move on. And I can rock the shit out of the police academy. I can be the best.
“I don’t need the distraction,” I announce. “Dicks are the devil.”
“I take offense to that.”
I jump at the sudden intrusion, and it’s a good thing I don’t have food in my hand because it would have gone flying and hit him in the face. Instead, I turn and eye the man in question with suspicion, glad that he’s alone and I don’t have to deal with my own personal hell any more today.
“What is with you guys and taking joy in scaring the piss out of me?” I huff. “I really almost peed myself, and then you would have had to go get my emergency leggings out of the back of your truck because there’s no way in hell I’d leave here with a wet ass.”
Linc laughs and then pushes in next to Kennedy. “How was your first day of work, loser? You bounced before I could touch base after shift.”
He reaches for one of her remaining tacos, but Kennedy slides her second plate out of his reach. “I’m sorry, get your own. You’re invading girls’ night.”
The pitiful look on his face should have made me feel bad but all it does is make me happy that Kennedy has my back and not his. “Come on. Every night is girls’ night. I just want a single taco. Just one.” He holds up a finger.
Kennedy and I both speak at the same time. “Get your own.”
Linc, clearly not winning that battle, waves in the air to get Vi’s attention.
Our routine is just that, a routine. Vi knows what to expect. In fact, we’re lucky Parker and Remy didn’t join us. But they have a baby at home, as well as Nox.
“Okay.” Linc sighs dejectedly. “But for realsies… How was your day?” He bats his eyelashes together, transforming himself into the picture of perfect brotherhood. “Did anyone steal your lunch? Do I need to beat up a bully for you? Did Dom ask you out yet?”
“No.” I shake my head. “I’m not six anymore, Linc. I’m capable of standing up for myself.”
“Yeah,” he agrees. “I did teach you everything you know.”
I don’t deny it because he really is telling the truth. Linc and Danny both made sure that I can protect myself. And after he joined the Marine Corps and became a certified badass, he went above and beyond to make sure I know exactly what to do in any physical altercation. I feel pretty safe defending and protecting not only myself, but the people I care about, too.
“I love you too,” I say suddenly. “But it’s good. Day one down. A million more to go. I’m going to the academy in two weeks, though. So that’s exciting.”
“Two weeks?” Linc smiles at Vi when she drops by with a plate of food for him. “That’s short. I think the last rookie had to wait almost a year.”
“Yeah.” I swallow down some of my water. “Chief said that it was lucky. One of the other rookies pulled out or something like that.”
“Cool.” Linc nods. “That means you’re gonna be out of our hair for like five months or something like that.”
“Eighteen weeks.” I look down at my phone. “I gotta go. I’m exhausted and I want to check on Bee before I go home.”
“Oh,” Linc says when I slide out from the booth. “Dom said something about how his parents took Bianca to go shopping for clothes and stuff. He was stopping by there later to check on their animals while they’re gone for the night.”
That dashes my plans, and I think about sitting back down before changing my mind. “That’s okay. I’m gonna go home and get some rest, then. I’ll see you guys later.”
I pull some cash out of my pocket and leave it on the table for Vi, then leave Linc and Kennedy sitting together, immediately immersed in their own world.
I want that.
One day.
One day, I’ll get my life figured out, and I’ll have enough time to find someone who makes my entire world light up like all of the holidays there are all rolled into one. And the best part? That person is going to want me just as much as I want him.
When I get home, there is a moment where my heart aches when Bee’s blond hair isn’t shining from my front steps.
But she’s in a better place. One where she isn’t constantly looking over her shoulder or worried about her parents fighting. Or her father hurting her. One where she has a future shining brightly ahead of her.
She has a chance to be happy. And if I have to choose one of us to be happy, I’ll pick Bee. Every single day. She deserves nothing but sunshine and rainbows and the brightest freaking future there is.
It isn’t until I crawl into bed later that night that I plug my phone in and check the notifications.
Two messages sit side by side.
One from Eddie that came in right after I got home from Lucy’s.
Stryke Out: Hey. Can we talk?
The other from a number I don’t have saved in my phone, which has barely come in a few minutes before.
I really need to remember to take my phone off silent mode.
?: I’m sorry, Emma, for leaving last night. I shouldn’t have kissed you. It’s better that we keep it professional. Mama wanted me to send you this.
Attached to the message that can only be from Dom is a picture of Bee, with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen, passed out in the back seat of a vehicle, surrounded by bags from their shopping expedition.
“At least she’s happy.”
I stare at the message screen on my phone late into the night, and by the time I finally fall asleep, I make a decision.
One that I know I’ll most likely come to regret.
I’ve got a lifetime to make mistakes and I’ve got to start somewhere.