17. Nia
17
NIA
Josh is still asleep, his chest rising and falling with the steady rhythm of deep slumber, when I quietly slip out of bed. I stand for a moment, just watching him, feeling a pang of guilt that I’m about to leave without waking him. His face is so peaceful, almost boyish in its tranquility, a stark contrast to the intense passion we shared just hours ago. As I tiptoe through the room, grabbing my clothes from where they’re scattered across the floor, I can’t help but think about the similarities between this morning and the last time I snuck out of his bed.
That last time, I’d left after the most amazing night I’d ever had, my heart pounding with fear and regret. I hadn’t wanted to face the reality of what we’d done, of what it meant for me to stay. I was running away from him, from my feelings, from everything that terrified me about what we were becoming. All after one night.
But this time, it’s different.
This time, I’m not running away.
I’m simply stepping out for a while, knowing I’ll be coming back to him. Knowing that this time, he’s not someone I need to run from but someone I want to return to.
I just need to process this.
The change and what it means for me.
For us.
Like every single time, Josh spent the entire night making sure that all of my fantasies were played out to completion. Including the one where he used my bra as a rope and tied me to the headboard we bought specifically to modify so he could bind me to it.
But unlike the last time I left him asleep in a bed, I have every single intention of returning to him after I’m done with the shit I have to take care of.
In fact, not only do I leave him a note on the coffee pot, which I know he is going to need to use, but I also send him a text letting him know where I’m going and when I’ll be back.
No, I don't tell him why. But honestly, I’m not exactly sure why I’m going either, except for the fact that I am keeping a promise to a friend.
Although, that is a stretch for mine and Eddie's relationship, especially given our history. It is more the fact that I promised I would do whatever I could to help him after I broke his heart.
"You ready?" Eddie’s voice pulls me from my thoughts as I step outside.
He’s leaning against his car, holding out a steaming cup of coffee. The rich aroma of caramel drifts toward me, and I can’t help but smile. He remembers. He always did have a knack for the little things, the details that made me feel seen.
“Thanks,” I say, taking the cup from him. The warmth of the coffee seeps into my hands, and I take a moment to savor the first sip. It’s perfect, just the way I like it. Smooth, sweet, with just the right amount of bitterness to remind me that this isn’t a dream, that I’m awake and ready for the day.
“We’ve got a little bit of a drive to get there in time,” he adds, glancing at his watch, his brow furrowed slightly.
I nod, sliding into the passenger seat and buckling up. “Yeah, let’s hit the road.” There’s a hint of tension in the air, a reminder that this isn’t just a casual road trip. There’s something heavy hanging between us, something that needs to be addressed, but neither of us is quite ready to bring it up yet. I take another sip of coffee, letting the warmth settle in my chest, and try to focus on the road ahead, rather than the storm of emotions swirling inside me. "Thanks for this. I didn't get up in time to make anything, so I'm glad you did."
"No problem." Eddie smiles as he pulls out of my driveway and heads out of town in the early morning fog. "Thank you for doing this. I know it’s a huge ask.”
"No problem," I echo hollowly.
Although, if I’m being honest with myself, I’m not doing it for him. I’m doing it for myself. To ease the guilt I've felt for the last six years.
Six years where I've constantly faced the reminder of what I did to him and what our breakup did.
"How's your mom doing?" I change the subject that he doesn’t know my mind is leaning toward, and Eddie smiles as his thoughts clearly drift to his parents.
"Good. Dad really likes the whole snowbird lifestyle. They're only in Maine for the summers now, and I think this winter they're headed to Arizona. Some town in the middle of nowhere that has the best ‘dunes’ he said he's ever seen."
I laugh, unable to help myself. "I still can't believe they're retired and traveling the country to do all the fun stuff we dreamed about as kids."
As teenagers, Eddie, Ella, and the rest of our siblings had banded together and tricked our parents into renting an RV for one whole summer, and we traveled around, doing every crazy thing we could. We hiked the Grand Canyon and stepped on the Four Corners. Ella threw up at Mt. Rushmore, and I got to step foot in the ocean in California. We had a blast, and our parents swore that after they finished raising us, they were going to do the trip again, without the responsibility of keeping us alive.
"Mom loves it, even if she calls to complain every single weekend like clockwork."
We fall into a silence that is a lot more comfortable than I ever remember it being between us, and I sip the coffee, surprised that Eddie still remembers exactly how I like it.
By the time we pull into the parking lot, my bladder is full and we have less than twenty minutes until we are going to be late.
"I don't know why it takes so damn long to get through the county and Belfast," Eddie mutters as he leads the way into the building and through security.
But I’m not paying enough attention to him to answer. The coffee goes straight through me, and I’m practically dancing from foot to foot to keep myself from peeing down my leg while I wait in line to be let into the bathroom. Once security makes sure that I’m not hiding anything except tampons in my purse, they point knowingly in the right direction.
While nodding thankfully, I rush off at the sound of Eddie's laughter.
With everything going on and the reason we’ve driven halfway across the state before the sun came up, I didn't think I'd hear him laugh. At least not until we leave the building.
“I really thought I might pee myself,” I admit to him quietly when we are waiting outside the room we’ll spend the majority of the day in. “I’m glad I made it.” Even though I say it with a smile on my face, it is definitely the truth. I barely had my pants down before it was like Niagara Falls. I also am not about to tell him that’s how close I came.
Eddie chortles.
We both sit down, and maybe another two minutes later, there is a man standing in front of us wearing the familiar brown uniform of a sheriff.
"Officer Stryker. We're ready for you, sir."
Swallowing down the bile that threatens to rise at what I know comes next, I follow Eddie as he stands. And when his hand takes mine, clasping tightly, I don't pull away. But if anyone asks, I'll lie to them and say that neither of us are trembling as we walk into the room already almost full of people and other officers.
"Thank you for coming today." The man at the front of the room wears a black suit with a white shirt, and I can see the gold cuff links from the back of the room. "Now that everyone is here," he says while staring directly at Eddie, "we can convene today's panel."
Eddie takes a deep breath next to me and leads the way to the only two empty seats on the left side of the room. The same side of the room where the rest of the police officers are sitting. The side where no one is wearing an orange jumpsuit or has their hands and feet handcuffed in front of them.
It is the side that I’m safe making eye contact with people in. Because if I look at the other side, I'll see him. The man who is responsible for why I’m sitting in the middle of the Maine State Prison.
"Breathe." Eddie squeezes my hand. "It's going to be over soon."
"I know," I tell him quietly. "I just, I feel terrible."
"Don't." Eddie lets go of my hand and readjusts himself so that he is sitting with his hands resting on his knees. "It's fine."
"Today, we're gathered to discuss the matter of parole for multiple inmates of the Maine State Prison system. First, we will address Daniel Williams. Mr. Williams was found guilty five years ago for the attempted murder of Officer Edward Stryker of Birch Police Department, in Birch County, Maine," the bailiff standing to the right of the original speaker announces to the room as a whole. "We will hear the testimony of the officer he shot, as well as hear written reports from the guards who have served on his block for the last five years."
My palms are sweating, and my heart thuds loudly in my chest as I keep my eyes glued to the five men and two women sitting at the front of the room.
Gold cuff link man has a grimace on his face as he looks out across the room. In fact, none of them look like they want to be there, and I can't blame them. I would rather be doing literally anything, and yet there I am, sitting next to Eddie to give him the support he needs.
"Officer Stryker will give his testimony first," Mr. Gold Cuff Link announces loudly.
Eddie clears his throat and gets up, giving me a smile that looks more like he is about to run in the opposite direction than actually testify, so I reach out and grab his hand.
"You've got this," I tell him, trying to forget the image of him lying in a hospital bed that flashes into my mind. "Trust me. You got this."
He nods and then proceeds to the front of the makeshift courtroom, not once looking at the man responsible for his pain.
"My name is Edward Stryker," he says once he stands in front of the panel. "And on Halloween night, six years ago, Daniel Williams shot me four times. Once in the chest and three times in the back and side. Mr. Williams was the suspect in an OUI, or 'operator under the influence' call that I was dispatched to by my agency, Birch Police Department. When I pulled his vehicle over, Mr. Williams followed my instructions to get out of the vehicle, denied that he had any alcohol, and then ran from me. On that night, Mr. Williams managed to get a shot off that embedded itself into the Kevlar vest that covered my back, and as I turned, he fired two more rounds that hit me in the side, where there was no protection from my vest. The last shot, the one that hit me in the chest, managed to pierce the vest and lodged in my sternum." Eddie clears his throat, sounding like he swallowed a pile of ash and then chewed on it. "But that information is in the file that you have in front of you. He was found guilty by a jury of his peers." Eddie takes a breath then, pausing as he thinks about what he is going to say next.
"I came here today, convinced that Mr. Williams had robbed me of the life I was supposed to have." His eyes find mine in the gallery, and he closes them for a brief and painful moment. "He did not. Over the past five years that he's been incarcerated, I haven't thought about him, unless I've felt the tearing pain of my chest aching as I've rushed to help another caller. I've not felt the pinching muscles in my back as I've sought to work and achieve everything that Mr. Williams thought he was tearing away from me. A jury of his peers found him guilty," Eddie repeats his earlier statement.
"And he was sentenced to the maximum penalty afforded by the State of Maine for attempted murder. He was sentenced to imprisonment for life with the possibility of parole after twenty years." He swallows deeply, and the sound echoes throughout the room. "Due to his mother's diagnosis of inoperable cancer, he was granted this early parole hearing. One that I plead with you to reject. Mr. Williams was not thinking of anyone else but himself the night that he tried to steal my life. He did not think of my mother. My family. Nor his own. He only sought to rob me of the life that I've spent helping others. To give him that consideration now would be a slap in the face to all of those whose lives he damaged and hurt with his actions six years ago.”
With one last look at the panel, Eddie turns and starts to walk away.
"Officer Stryker." One of the women from the panel calls his name. "If you would stay, sir. I have a question for you."
Eddie freezes and then turns back to them without returning to the podium that he stood at earlier.
"Can you please tell us, Officer Stryker. If there was one thing that Mr. Williams took from you that you can never get back, what would it be? What price would you place on that item?"
Eddie turns then, and his eyes land on me.
"I lost the love of my life as a direct result of Mr. Williams' actions." His words tear into me. "If I had to quantify what he took from me, I wouldn't be able to name a price on losing something that precious. And I hope that no one on the panel ever has to suffer the same loss. Because there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to go back in time and undo what was done to me. I’d walk a different path. I’d choose a different career. Anything to keep that pain away. I can’t quantify what I lost, because to me there’s nothing left but a gaping hole where forever was supposed to be.”
Buzzing fills my ears, and my limbs grow numb.
I’m so sorry, I mouth the words to him, but Eddie shakes his head.
When parole is denied, he doesn’t say a word.
When we walk out of the building an hour later, he doesn’t say anything.
In fact, it isn’t until we are a mile from my house that either of us says a single thing.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out through a raw throat. “I am so sorry, Eddie.”
“Don’t be.” He pulls into the driveway and shifts the vehicle into park. “You did what you thought you had to do.”
“I didn’t have to leave when you were still in the hospital recovering from being shot,” I cry and don’t bother wiping the tears from my eyes as they start to fall. Nor does Eddie reach across the console like he would have once upon a time to do it himself. “I am so sorry,” I repeat again, halting through the words that hurt even as I say them.
“You broke me.” Eddie lowers his forehead to the steering wheel before turning to look at me through hooded eyes. “You broke me when I didn’t think I could be any more broken.”
“I didn’t love you,” I tell him for the first time, admitting the truth that I’ve kept from everyone. “Seeing you hurt, I knew that you deserved to have someone by your side who really loved you. Who deserved the love you have. That wasn’t me.”
“I know.” Eddie does reach over the console then, but not to wipe my tears. He squeezes my hand with his. “Thank you for coming with me, even if it was torture for you to be in that room with me.”
“I’d do it again in a heartbeat,” I tell him honestly. “I’m sorry I couldn’t ever love you the way you deserved, Eddie.”
Eddie smiles then, surprising the ever-loving shit out of me. “I think you’ve found someone to love that way.” He nods toward my window, where I turn to see Josh sitting on the front steps, waiting for me.
“Maybe one day,” I admit with a sad smile.
Eddie laughs as I open the door and step out. “If that’s what you want to tell yourself.”
When I shut the door and he pulls away, Josh gets up and starts my way.
Maybe Eddie is right. But I won’t be telling him that anytime soon.
I won’t be telling anyone.