Chapter Thirty-Four
Once we reach the mountains, we all breathe a collective sigh of relief.
I’m not sure why, since enemies can attack us from all sides on the mountain path just as easily as anywhere else in Khyrrus.
Kaelen says he feels like he can take a deep breath for the first time in ten years, now that he’s so close to home.
I don’t point out that we still have to reach the temple, find the second key, and retrieve it.
He knows all that.
I smile, nod, and lean forward for balance as Cloud picks her careful way up the mountain.
The road—more like a large path, really—is wide enough for the wagon, but Elianna refuses to drive it anymore, so Trick is on wagon duty, and the sorcerer rides a horse.
I wasn’t entirely sure she knew how to ride, but she does so with the same grace and self-possession with which she does everything else.
Except magic.
I tried to talk to her about the incident in the wagon where she couldn’t even form energy balls, but she’s still coldly aloof toward me and not much friendlier to anyone else.
When I catch myself mentally shrugging instead of stuffing myself down into a box of passivity in response to her attitude, I laugh out loud.
“What is it?” Kaelen, riding next to me, raises an eyebrow.
“I’m free. I’m finally free,” I marvel, fully aware I may be getting ahead of myself. A person can’t get over so many years of conditioning in such a short time.
“You have your papers,” he says cautiously, as if I may have forgotten.
“I know. But I’m talking about a different kind of freedom.
And I spoke too soon; I’m not all the way there yet.
I’m learning to be my own person, and stand up for myself, instead of cringing in subservience at the slightest hint of someone else’s displeasure.
” I give him such a huge smile that he blinks.
“Sometimes—most of the time—I’m sure there’s no chance I’ll be able to carry out this mission.
That Artemisen made a huge mistake picking me.
But other times … well, other times I actually believe that I can do this.
With your help—with everyone’s help—I can.
We can. I’m finally starting to believe it. ”
“We have to believe it,” he says grimly. “For Karrina. For Valourian. For Altarra. We must believe it.”
Andras, wearing all white leather today for reasons he hasn’t disclosed, waits on the path for us to catch up. “Kaelen, have you been to the Temple of Knowledge before?”
“Never. The warrior scholars don’t allow outsiders to enter—at least they didn’t when I last passed through these mountains ten years ago.”
Andras frowns. “I’ve heard that, but it’s not right. The temple was always a place where scholars from across Altarra could gather to study and learn and exchange information. I wonder when this changed.”
“And why,” I add. “If the key is really there, maybe whatever evil is guarding it infiltrated the temple?”
“If that’s so, especially if they’ve conquered or enthralled the warrior scholars, this will be a far more arduous task than I expected,” Andras says, frowning.
“I already think it’s going to be horrible, so at least I don’t have any high expectations to lower,” I admit glumly. “I know this is minor and probably none of my business, but why are you wearing all white today?”
“White is a mark of respect. The Sylvan respect warriors a great deal and scholars even more so. Warrior scholars of the Temple of Knowledge rate the highest form of regard.”
With that, he rides to the front of our cavalcade to join Sergeant Neville.
“I can change into a white shirt,” I say doubtfully.
Kaelen laughs. “Once the scholars realize you carry the amulet, I doubt they’ll care much about your clothes.”
“Do we tell them about it? Or the keys?” I shake my head, answering my own question. “How will we know if we can trust them?”
“I guess we’ll have to figure it out as we go.”
Hours later, when dusk blankets the mountainside, Kaelen calls a halt next to a clearing that has clearly served as a campsite for many travelers in the past. The firepit is well dug and ringed with stones, and there are tree stumps to sit on.
I’m so tired it’s taking all I have to sit upright on my poor, weary horse.
“I think we need to stop for food and sleep, after all,” the prince announces to general, if reluctant, agreement.
But Chitai frowns. “We’re only an hour’s ride from the temple. Why stop now?”
“It would be full dark when we arrived,” Andras says. “Not a good strategic choice. Especially if the Zhagarn have infiltrated or outright conquered the temple.”
“Plus, we’re all exhausted,” Sergeant Neville says, the lines in his face carved deeper than usual. “It’s never a good strategy to face an unknown enemy when you’re running on reserves.”
The desert warrior scowls. “Fine. I’ll take first watch, since you riverlanders are so tired. I’d hate for you to lose out on your beauty sleep.”
Before I can think of a response to this uncharacteristically nasty comment, she wheels her horse and sets off past us up the path. Andras shares a puzzled glance with Kaelen, then follows her without another word.
“We’ll take first watch on this side, in case anybody’s following,” Sergeant Neville calls out after them. “Me and Bern.”
Bern, caught mid-yawn, hastily mutters his agreement.
“And I’ll take second watch with whoever wants to stand it with me,” I say firmly. I’ve had enough of being coddled, amulet or no amulet. I’m ready for an argument, but Kaelen only nods and dismounts.
After taking care of my horse, I try to summon interest in food for myself but can’t. Instead, I roll out my sleeping mat near the fire, curl up in the spare cloak I’ve been using since Merrion, and close my eyes. The next thing I know, Kaelen is gently shaking my shoulder.
“Soli, it’s our turn for watch.”
I blink up at him. “What?”
“It’s been four hours. Andras and Chitai refuse to sleep.
They’re going to scout closer to the temple, since they’re probably the stealthiest of us all.
Bern and Sergeant Neville need to get some rest. Trick and Elianna are already awake and guarding the path behind us, and you and I will take the path forward, in case anyone gets past Andras and Chitai. ”
That would only happen if the two of them were dead, but I can’t think bleak thoughts or I’ll never have the courage to move forward.
He holds out a hand. I let him pull me up but step back when he tries to put his arms around me, pretending I don’t see the flash of hurt that passes behind his eyes.
No matter what happened between us, I can’t let myself come to rely on support or comfort from this man. This prince.
If he can take Valourian back when this is all over, Kaelen will be a king.
And I’m still a servant. Indentured no longer, but a servant all the same.
“Need some water. Or tea.” I stumble toward the pot hanging over the fire and fix a mug, then gulp it down.
I wrap a piece of meat in a hunk of bread and follow Kaelen to a log resting near the edge of the road.
I sit, exhaustion weighing down my steps to the point I think it may have been better not to sleep at all.
We sit in silence while I finish my meal and for a while after. I suddenly feel shy and awkward around him again, which I don’t understand after everything we’ve been through.
Kaelen blows out a breath. “It’s better if we—”
I know what’s coming, so I jump in first. “Keep it casual? Don’t get attached? Just have sex with no expectation or commitment?”
When I look at him, his eyes have narrowed to slits. “Casual?”
I shrug, pretending pain isn’t sharpening its blades in my chest. “What? I hear the stable hands talk. I know how it goes. No problem.”
“No problem? No problem?” he grinds out from between clenched teeth.
“I don’t want to talk about my feelings right now, if you don’t mind.” I jump up and start pacing. “Look. I know we had … a moment.”
“A moment?”
“Quit repeating what I’m saying to you! Yes, a moment. But it’s clear that the attraction between us is a reaction to the intensity of the mission, and the danger, and—”
He slowly uncoils to his feet and stalks toward me. “It’s clear, is it?”
I take a step back. “Yes. A … a momentary lapse in good judgment.”
“Oh,” he says, his voice silken menace. “I’m a lapse in good judgment, am I?”
I take another step back, but he keeps advancing.
“It’s fine. We have this mission, and then you’ll rule Valourian, and I’ll … um … I’ll study to become a librarian. Maybe even in Valourian! So once in a while, I’ll wave to you when you ride past the library, and—”
He catches my shoulders in his hands before I can retreat any farther. “I’m a lapse. A lapse you’ll be happy to wave to on the rare occasion I ride past your library. Am I understanding this correctly?”
“I—”
“Lapse this,” he growls, then yanks me to him, taking my mouth with barely controlled ferocity.
Suddenly, nothing is clear, and I can’t remember what the word lapse even means, and I want to climb up his hard, powerful body like a Pyrrhan cat on a pine tree.
His kisses take me drowning deep—to the memories of that bed in Merrion where the entire universe narrowed down to Kaelen and me.
Not the prince and the servant, just a man and a woman who wanted nothing more than each other.
Standing here, holding him, being held in the darkness of the night and of my past, a stream of silver light slides through the tiny fissures inside me, into my heart, into my soul, sparkling its way into the deep wells of pain and loneliness and isolation that have filled my life for so very long.
He breaks the kiss, breathing hard and fast, and leans his forehead against mine.
“I don’t know how this is true, and I don’t know how or if you can believe me. But I feel like I’ve waited all of my life for you.”
I search his eyes and see nothing but truth. But beneath truth, hesitation.
He takes a step back. “Soli, I—”