Chapter 18
eighteen
CHRISTY
Ithink I finally got it.
Holden was a deeply broken man.
The way he’d wept into my neck was gut-wrenching. I’d never experienced anything like it before. A full-grown man who could command a courtroom and bench press me three times over, sobbing like a little boy. I hoped I never experienced it again.
Google Savannah Clark was the last thing Lemon said as I got in my car to leave Dupree Ranch. But the look on her face was almost as pained as Holden’s had been when he’d walked away. Something terrible had happened. Something way worse than Amber and her stalker antics.
I’d been trying to get up the nerve for the last eighteen hours.
I sat down on the couch and flipped open my laptop.
My fingers hovered over the keyboard and I let myself just be for a moment.
Finding out about Savannah was going to hurt.
There’s no way it wouldn’t. In my gut, I knew.
Holden had loved her. Whoever she was. I didn’t know how I was going to deal with that.
But I also knew that I had to find out what it was that made him think he was unworthy of happiness.
I held my breath and quickly typed in the name.
Savannah Everly Clark, age seventeen, tragically departed from this world on February 2, 2014, leaving behind a profound sense of sorrow and disbelief among her loved ones. Savannah was a bright, compassionate soul, whose infectious laughter and gentle spirit touched the hearts of all who knew her.
Despite her tender age, Savannah faced insurmountable challenges, battling severe depression and the relentless torment inflicted upon her by a merciless bully.
Despite her courageous efforts to persevere, the weight of cruelty proved unbearable, leading to her untimely decision to end her own life.
I sat back, chest tight, eyes burning. There was more, but I couldn’t read it right then.
I did the math quickly in my head. This would’ve been Holden’s junior year of high school.
I’d never seen an obituary call out a bully like that.
I opened another tab and typed. Savannah Everly Clark and the word bully.
Nothing came up except the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline number and another page with her obituary.
And a school picture. She was beautiful, but what had I expected?
Holden Dupree had dated her. Unless she was just a friend.
No. He’d loved her. Desperately and deeply.
Enough that her death had ruined women for him.
Or was that because of Amber? There was no way for me to know.
And from the trail of women he’d benched, I doubted Holden had untangled it all.
I tried using different keywords, hoping to learn more. But there was nothing else. Finally, I finished the obituary.
Savannah is survived by her grandparents, Randall and Dahlia Clark, who raised her, her mother Bethany Clark, her boyfriend, Holden Dupree, and many friends whom she adored.
There it was. A boyfriend beloved enough to be included in an obituary. But why had her grandparents raised her if her mother was listed?
That was it, other than saying when and where the memorial had been held.
I opened Facebook to see if she’d had a page. But there was nothing. She wasn’t in Holden’s photos. I’d searched every one of them multiple times. I would’ve remembered her.
After a little wall hopping, I found a photo of Savannah on Jilly’s wall.
The two were eating ice cream cones, heads together, smiling.
They’d been friends? I kept clicking. And then I stopped.
A formal dance group photo. There were eight couples all in a line, guys in the back, hugging their date in front of them.
Looking dapper, Holden had on a black tux with a pink bow tie and cumberbund to match her dress.
Savannah’s dress was strapless and sparkly and you could see that she felt like a princess.
Hair in a complicated updo, she was stunning.
My heart stabbed a little to see Holden with another girl.
Even seventeen-year-old Holden. But it wasn’t like I’d never dated anyone else.
I mean, I dated his brother and he rolled it off like it was nothing. Still, it tugged a little.
I tucked my knee under my chin and studied the picture.
Jilly was there with her ultra-white-toothed smile.
I balked for a moment when I realized Amber was in the picture.
She was down on the end with a guy I didn’t recognize.
There were plenty of people in this picture I didn’t know. But it was her.
I searched like crazy then, through every one of Jilly’s pictures.
I hopped from wall to wall, scouring photos of people I didn’t know, piecing things together as best as I could.
The only person’s page I hadn’t touched was Amber’s.
The mouse hovered over her name and I studied her profile pic.
If you hadn’t known she was devious and dark, you might think she was a famous actress. She was that pretty.
I rolled my shoulders and clicked on her profile.
Thousands of pictures of her with this person or that, usually with a glass of alcohol in her hand, flashing her perfect smile for the camera.
The further back I dug, though, my stomach started to churn.
Because once I hit high school, I realized there was a story here.
Amber and Savannah had been friends. If the pictures were accurate, close ones.
And Jilly too. And a couple of other girls I didn’t know.
Holden hated one of Savannah’s best friends?
My phone buzzed.
Lemon: Do you think you’ll make it?
I sat back for a second and pondered the meaning behind her question. Is Holden worth it? Are you willing to fight for him? Regardless of the bumps and bruises you will get, do you have it in you to forgive whatever he says and does until this is over?
I thought back to the man weeping into my neck. How could I not fight for someone who loved me so intensely? Who had convinced himself that the only way he could protect me from a deranged woman was to break things off and live his life alone?
I did love him. One hundred percent. I knew that now.
That wasn’t the real problem here. At twenty-six I was old enough and had seen enough relationships to know that sometimes love isn’t enough.
And if I thought Amber was the only person I had to face off with, it wouldn’t be a question.
But to face off with the demons Holden hid deep inside? The demons that were eating him alive?
I wasn’t sure there was a woman on earth who could win that battle.
I texted Lemon back.
Me: Yes, leaving now.
I quickly changed and headed to an address she’d sent me yesterday.
I was late. I’d taken too long to decide to come and what to wear. I parked my truck next to Silas’s, hopped out, and jogged down the trail, wishing I’d worn leggings instead. The wind was chilly for October. But after I got moving, I’d be happy I’d chosen something lighter.
I came up on the group so quietly that no one noticed.
Then I smiled, in awe. One of Silas’s friends, a guy named Knox Freeman, had an obstacle training course set up on his farm—a spear throw, rings, rope climb, and other things I didn’t know the names of.
And a running trail that disappeared into the woods.
He’d spent a lot of time building this. And it was super generous of him to let everyone practice here.
A quick count told me there were eleven people besides me.
Silas was teaching Lemon how to hold the spear.
Then, with his hand over hers, they launched it at a hay bale with a spray-painted target.
It landed inside the circle and I smiled.
It was crazy to think I’d ever been broken up about that man.
And now I was totally happy watching him with his gorgeous wife.
It had occurred to me recently that I was no better than my mom when it came to finding reasons to marry someone.
I’d liked Silas. He’d been my best friend.
But love? Hardly. I’d wanted to get married and he was a great guy.
Had I thought I loved him? Yes. Or I’d told myself I had.
But important things were missing in our relationship.
Passion, for one. And the ability to communicate without us both getting flustered.
Two pretty important things needed to make a lifelong commitment work.
You don’t get over love as quickly as I had. Not if it’s real.
A sick thought pitted my stomach. What if I’d married Silas and we’d never known what real love was? An even more terrible thought—what if I’d watched Holden from afar my whole marriage and felt for him what I do now? It would’ve been like a bad nightmare, only you wake up every day and it’s real.
It was like Gabby and Rowan’s cheesy first dance song, “Unanswered Prayers.” At the wedding, that song had sent me into a fit, sobbing in the coat room when no one was looking. But now, I got it. Holden was my cheesy love song.
Holden. Who was currently swinging across the rings like Tarzan, biceps popping out of his shirt.
Standing here, my eyes flitting over everyone and the obstacles they were conquering, made me cave in a little. I didn’t know how to run an obstacle course race. They made it look easy, but I was certain none of this was in my wheelhouse.
“Hey.” Lemon walked up wearing the leggings I wished I had. “Glad you could make it.”
Silas was right behind her. I was thankful they were both tall, forming a wall between me and Holden. I wasn’t ready for him to see me yet.
“Did you look up Savannah?” Silas asked, studying me.
I scratched my temple. “Yeah. It’s…” My hand pressed against my chest. “Heartbreaking. The obituary said she was bullied to death?”