Not My Type, Not Yet.

Epilogue

Hi, this is the last chapter of nmtny. Thank you so much for reaching this far, and thank you for your patience and support it means a lot to me.

This story might have a lot of errors but I held Knox and Austine close to my heart.

I'm so grateful to be able to write their story-see you sa next installment, i love u all! >_

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Ni hindi ko na mabilang kong ilang liham na ba ang naisulat ko sa nagdaang sampung taon. Each page-each letter is all about how I felt about him; how I yearned for his warmth, his presence and him.

I love him, more than words could ever express. I don't even think there's a right word to explain what I felt about him. I love him more than I love myself.

I would willingly go to hell in exchange for his happiness, that's how far I can go for him.

I wasn't always like this. Kahit bata pa lang ako, I don't know what love really felt, I don't know how to feel it...I just don't know. But when the first time I saw him, in a jumper and screaming at me, I knew from the very beginning that he was the love.

"Tinatawa mo dyan?" nabaling ang atensyon ko sa taong kakadating lang. My gaze immediately softened when I saw him.

"Baby, ang ganda mo." I called out. Ngumiti sya at hinalikan ako sa labi ng makalapit sya kaya napanguso ako.

"One more please..." I pursed my lips and grabbed his waist. Natatawa nyang hinahawakan ang magkabilaan kong pisngi, he leaned in and kissed me on the lips.

Parehas kaming natawa when our lips parted. Nasa parking lot kami ngayon, nakasandal ako sa hood ng sasakyan. We were off to our anniversary date.

I know. Funny isn't. Two scared kids heading off to their first anniversary; hand in hand.

"Let's go?" aniya at kinuha ang kamay ko. He kissed the back of it, his eyes lingering on my face. "Hmm?"

I retreated my hand from his gripped na syang ikinalaglag ng ngiti nya. "Wait here," saad ko at umikot sa front seat.

I opened the door and grabbed the bouquet of roses. I bought it to surprise him. Nakangiti akong bumalik sa kanya habang hawak-hawak ang bulaklak sa kamay ko.

"Happy anniversary baby," I said softly. His eyes widened when he saw the flowers. Inilahad ko ito sa harapan nya, he looked at me and for a second I thought kukunin nya ang bulaklak, but he embrace me instead. Locking me in his arms. Mahina akong napatawa.

"Come on," I patted his back.

"Ano ba yan! Para akong teenager na babae." Maktol nito pero kinuha din naman ang bulaklak sa kamay ko.

Napailing nalang ako.

"Shall we?" I handed my hand, he grinned and took my hand.

"Let's go."

After years of waiting and waiting, I can totally tell that the journey to get where we are is not an easy path. It was painful...excruciating. Nasaktan namin ang isa't-isa, and god knows how I blamed myself for how cowardly I was.

I was afraid, I was swayed by their words and as a result I almost lost the only person I wanted in my life.

Without him I'm nothing.

Kong hindi ko sya nakilala, hindi ko alam kong saan ako dadalin ng kapalaran ngayon. He was my light and that's all I need to know.

"No fair!" Maktol ko when dad refused to take me to the park. I had begged him to take me dahil naiinggit ako sa mga kaklase ko. Halos lahat sakanila nakapunta na sa part kasama parents nila.

While me? wala pa.When I persist again, He looked at me coldly kaya napayuko at napaatras ako.

"Go study in your room, Knox. Don't bother me," he said in an almost commanding tone, leaving me no choice but to do what he says.

Binalik nya ang kanyang mata sa papeless na nasa harapan nya. Aaminin ko, marami kaming pera dahil sakanya, he buys me expensive toys, we live in a nice house, but he was distant.

He was near yet so far away. Hindi ko man lang maramdaman na mahal nya kami. He never made time for us, never called me anak nor celebrated my birthday.

My 8th birthday passed by, but he never greeted me...not once.

Napakagat ako sa labi ko. I played with my fingers and gather the courage to look at him in the eyes.

"Can we at least go to the park and have a picnic? I won a silver medal..." I said, hopeful. Kinuha ko ang medalyang nasa bulsa ko at inilahad sa harap nya.

I worked so hard to earned this, kaya sana naman pag bigyan na nila ako.

I saw a lot of kids at the park with their parents, so I wanted to do that also. Nakakainggit kasi... sino ba naman ang hindi maiinggit diba? Gusto ko ring makabonding parents ko. Mom is too busy fixing her life and my dad treats me like some sort of trophy.

His sharp eyes pierced through me kaya tuluyan ng napatikom ang bibig ko. Dahan-dahan kong binaba ang medalya at itinago yun sa likod ko.

"Get the fuck out of here," kalmado ngunit madiin nyang utos. Tuloyan ko ng naibaba ang tingin ko, habang unti-unti namang nanggigilid ang luha sa mata ko.

"Yes dad," maliit kong saad.

He didn't say a word, he stood up. He walked to his window, puffed his cigarette just like that.

Napakagat nalang ako sa labi ko at lumabas sa office nya. Tumakbo ako sa harden kong saan nandoon si Mommy, maybe she'll say yes this time.

I'm still holding the silver medal I won during the quiz bee and a hope in my heart. My mom isn't cruel, so maybe just maybe...

When I reached the garden, agad ko syang nakitang nakikipag-usap sa isa nyang kaybigan. Dali-dali akong tumakbo sa pwesto nya.

"Mom!" I called out happily, hindi sya lumingon mukhang hindi nya ako narinig kaya mas binilisan ko pa ang takbo ko. "I won-!!"

My feet abruptly stopped when I heard her voice.

"I wish I never had Knox, dahil sa kanya nagkanda letche letche ang buhay ko.

I kept him, hoping na mamahalin din ako ng tatay nya pero tangina, mas mahal nya pa ata yung bwesit na Sevilliana.

I mean just look at him now, not paying attention to his kid.

Anong makukuha ko kung wala naman syang paki sa alas ko?

He's nothing like Sevilliana's kid, Austine. " She clicked her tongue in annoyance.

Her friend chuckled. "Don't be like that, he's still your kid."

"Can you imagine? I wish I had Austine than him. He's useless, talentless, hindi ko nga alam kong may mararating sya sa buhay eh."

Her words hung in the air, a breeze felt so suffocating that I wanted to die. Tuloyan ng tumulo ang luha ko, clutching my medal in my chest. The hope in my heart shattered just like that.

The people who should cheer me up are drowning me.

My parents don't love me? Kaya ba parang hayop nila ako kong tratohin? I know, I'm eight but I'm capable of understanding their words. Hindi nila ako mahal. Yan ang tanging sinisigaw ng utak ko.

I had done everything to gain their favor. I studied hard, earned a lot of medals hoping na makita rin nila ako ng tuloyan.

I backed down, wanting to run to my room but my mom's friend saw me and motioned to my mom. When she saw me, she gasped realizing I had heard her. She got up but I just shook my head.

Nakita nya ang medal sa kamay ko, her eyes widened.

"K-Knox," she called, pero ngumiti lang ako. A smile so painful it made her freeze.

"L-look I-I won second place," with my lips trembling and hands still shaking, itinaas ko ang medal ko. "I-I was just about to ask you to...to h-have a picnic with me at the par---." Napatigil ako, hindi ko na kayang baliwalain ang mga lumabas sa bunganga nya.

Akmang lalapitan ako pero mas lalo akong lumayo. "Sorry for being useless," huli kong saad bago tumakbo.

"Knox!!!" Her voice followed pero hindi ako lumingon.

Hindi ako tumakbo papuntang kwarto ko kundi tumakbo ako papuntang dagat. With my little legs carrying me, I reached the shore.

Napada ako at tumama ang tuhod ko sa bato. Patuloy pa rin ang pag-iyak ko. I just wanted to play, why can't they just act as if they love me? Mas matatanggap ko pa yun eh. Pero saying like that crashed the little hope I held na baka may pag-asa pang mahalin nila ako.

"Then I'm sorry if I'm not like Austine. I'm sorry if I'm useless and talentless," dahan-dahan akong umupo, isinubson ko ang mukha ko sa pagitan ng tuhod ko at don mas lalong umiyak.

She's right, I wasn't like him. He was popular, sporty, the face of their school. Magkaedad lang kami pero ang layo ng agwat naming dalawa.

"What about me?" A voice echoed in my ears. Dahan-dahan kong inangat ang ulo ko at hinanap ang nag mamay-ari ng boses na yun.

My tears-stained eyes landed on a boy behind me. I squinted to see him clearly dahil nanlalabo pa rin ang mata ko dahil sa luha.

Hindi ko sya pinansin at tinuon ang mata ko sa dagat. I clutched the medal in my hand tightly; with a sharp breath I raised my hand to throw it in the ocean. Wala naman tong kwenta. Wala akong kwenta. Nakakasuka ka Knox! Bakit napaka walang kwenta mong anak!

"Hey! don't do that!" My hands jerked back when he stopped my hand.

"Pakialam mo ba?" singhal ko, nanlalabo ulit ang mata ko.

"Kawawa yung mga isda pag natamaan sila ng medal mo." Aniya sa seryoso na boses.

I choked on my saliva, hindi ko alam kong mas lalo ba akong maiiyak o tatawa na lang dahil sa sinabi nya.

When my eyes cleared up-I saw him, wearing a jumper and white shirt inside while sucking on a lollipop. Magkasalubong ang kilay nya habang nakatingin sa'akin. I wiped my tears at lumayo ng unti sa kanya.

His white skin glistened under the sun while his eyes never left my face. Austine. The very reason of my agony.

Pero hindi ako galit sa kanya. Wala syang ginawang masama, malas lang talaga siguro ako dahil sa magulang ko.

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko at dinuro sya. "Hoy batang naka jumper na mukhang Americano, pinagsasabi mo?" halos pasinghal kong saad.

"Why were you crying?" He asked, at hindi pinansin ang sinabi ko. Bumaba ang tingin nya sa tuhod ko. "It's bleeding..." nag-aalala nyang saad.

"It's nothing. It will heal on its own," kinuha ko ang panyong nasa bulsa ko at basta-basta na lang pinunasan ang dugo sa tuhod ko.

"Stop! Mas masasaktan ka when you wiped it roughly, tsk!" nagulat ako sa biglaan nyang sigaw at inagaw ang panyo sa kamay ko. "Sit," he pointed at a rock near me.

"And why would I---" Hindi ko na natuloy ang sasabihin ko ng sapilitan nya akong pinaupo sa bato. Gripping my shoulder so tight kaya wala akong nagawa kundi ang sundin sya.

He rolled his eyes kaya napasinghap ako. Aba! ang lakas ng loob ng batang to ah.

He bent down and gently blew on my knee. "My mommy used to do this pag nasusugatan ako, and it somehow eases the pain," he said. "Does your mom do this also?"

Bigla akong napatahimik dahil sa tanong nya. I shook my head. "No, my mom didn't care about me," the word tasted bitter on my lips.

His hand halted, he looked up, "What do you mean? Every mom cares about their child. Don't say that."

"Then I guessed you had it wrong. My mom does. She didn't care about me, she wished na sana iba nalang anak nya. She called me useless, talentless and...and," hindi ko na natuloy ang sasabihin ko when he hugged me.

Doon na ako humagulhol sa dibdib nya. I hugged him tightly, hindi ko sya ka close but I guess crying to a stranger isn't a bad thing.

No child should suffer simply because their parents are insecure.

I found comfort in the arms of a stranger, he treated me like I'm me and not somebody else's.

I watched how his face lit up with excitement when I handed him my medal, how he got so hyped up when I said that I beat a grade 6 student in a spelling contest. Nakakatuwa, I never had someone who appreciates me for who I am, for the things I've accomplished.

He looked at me with those gentle eyes that warmed my aching chest. I never imagined that a boy could look so magnificent under the sun. I never knew that a person is capable of healing my torn soul with only his tender touch.

"What's your name?" I asked, kahit na alam ko kong sino sya. It's nearly night time, bumababa na rin ang araw. Nakatalikod sya sa akin dahil uuwi na rin sya habang nanatili pa rin akong nakaupo sa batohan.

With his hands on his back, he looked over his shoulder and smiled. "Austine. Austine Sevilliana."

The golden hue of the sunset paints itself on his face; a masterpiece so valuable that will surely itch on my memory.

With a mix of awe and admiration, I smiled back.

His smile, a golden ache that has lived in me since the day our eyes first met-and refused to let go through all the years that followed.

I never talked to him again, but I was there watching everything he'd accomplised. I was there watching from a distance when he won his first gold medal in archery. Kahit hindi kami nag-uusap alam ko kong gaano nya ka mahal ang archery by the way his eyes lit up every time he held up his arrow.

He was the only person who showed me what kindness truly felt. It was warm and soft, that's all I could think of. Now I get it, why is my mom so obsessed with him.

I'm not angry nor upset, instead it made me proud. Proud of the things he'd accomplished, to earn people's approval. I could never do that, that's why I was so drawn at him.

I saw him, wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't. Doon ko lang nalaman na magkaiba pala talaga ang mundo naming dalawa. He was surrounded by people, he was adored, he was the love, giving my affection for him no room.

"Nagsusulat ka nanaman? Laro tayo sa labas!" pangungulit ni Hyacinth. Hinila nya pa ang kamay ko dahilan para mawala sa linya ang sinusulat ko.

Grade 8 na ako, halos limang taon ko na rin syang hindi nakakausap. But here I am, still writing him a letter na hindi nya mababasa. Not now and I think never.

Napapalatak ako. "Please, give me a moment. I need to finish this." I pleaded dahil sobrang kulit nya na.

She shrugged her shoulders. "Bahala ka, ikaw mamaya ang taya. Sus, akala mo naman mapapansin sya ni Austine. Boy! gumising ka."

Napairap ako sa kawalan. "Wag mo ngang ijinx, don ka sa far away ang bansot mo."

Her jaw dropped. "Wow! Wow na wow talaga! Ang kapal naman ng mukha mong simp ka! che, nakakainis ka!" Nakahinga naman ako ng maluwag ng

Nawala rin ang inis ko when my eyes landed on the origami flowers na ginawa ko kanina. I wanted to give it to him, sya agad ang pumasok sa isip ko when my teacher said na we can make one and give it to people who we treasure.

Gusto kong ibigay kahit na alam kong hindi na ako ulit makakalapit skanya. I'm happy watching him from afar. I'm contented.

It was Christmas, my birthday, when I saw him again, still as bright as yesterday's golden hue.

"Kaedad mo lang ata yan Knox," boses ni Tito Romel. Natulong kasi ako sa kanya ngayon dito sa palengke.

Wala naman akong gagawin sa bahay, walang naghihintay sa'akin non kaya mas pinili kong dumito na lang.

Tito Romel was our neighbor at benibenta nya ang mga nahuhuli nyang isda dito sa palengke. Madalas akong sumama kaya minsan hinahayaan nalang nila ako.

"Si Austine?" I smiled. His name tasted sweet on my lips.

"Oo, ang gwapong bata," puri nito na syang ikinatango ko. Totoo naman.

Patango-tango pa rin ako habang nakangiting nakatingin sa kanya. Sa sobrang tulala ko kamuntikan ko ng maputol ang sarili kong kamay. Napagalitan ako non, but I wasn't upset.

Sobrang saya ko kasi nakita ko syang muli. Patalon-talon akong umuwi sa bahay namin. Kahit alam kong dilim ang sasalubong sa'akin.Hawak-hawak ko pa ang supot na may isda na binigay sa'akin ni Tito Romel, birthday gift daw. And then he gave me 500 pesos!

Maybe, I will buy myself a cake.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Isang nakakabinging sigaw ang bumungad sa akin ng buksan ko ang pinto. I saw my parents arguing sa sala.

My dad is holding my mom's shoulder. Agad na bumagsak ang balikat ko ng makitang may dalang maleta si Mommy. Iiwan nya ako?

"Let go!!! Aalis ako sa ayaw at gusto mo!!!" mom shouted, wriggling.

"Aalis ka tas iiwan mo sa'akin ang batang yun?! You leave and go fucking take him!!!"

Batang yun.

Are they talking about me? Hindi nila napansin ang presensya ko at patuloy lang ang pag-aaway nilang dalawa.

"Anak mo yun diba?!!! You take care of him at hayaan mo akong umalis! Sawang-sawa na ako sa bahay na'to. Wala kang kwenta! Walang kwenta yang anak mo!!! Lahat kayo walang kwenta!!!! You fucking ruined my life and you have the audacity para pigilan ako?!!!!"

Walang kwenta.

Her voice echoed in my ears, a piercing sound so painful that I wished na sana bingi na lang ako. Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko dahil bigla itong kumirot.

"You should have aborted him when you had the chance but you insisted on keeping him, and now you fucking blamed me?!!!" Dad's voice rises. A thunderous clapped that reminds me time and time again that I'm not wanted.

May mga katulong na nakadungaw mula sa kusina, isa sa kanila ang nakakita sa'akin. Her eyes widened, I can tell na gusto nya akong lapitan pero takot syang magpakita kay Dad dahil baka madamay sya sa galit nya.

"Sana nga!! Sana ng pinatay ko nalang sya! Wala kang paki sa kanya because you are so obsessed thinking of a way to wim that damn Sevilliana!!! Yung anak nya mahal mo pero sariling anak mo wala kang paki!!!" She choked out her words.

Walang ni isang luha ang lumabas sa mata nya. All I can see is hatred and pity for herself. Not for me, not for the child they had abandoned while still sharing the same roof. But for herself, for the life she didn't get by having me, for the freedom she lost.

Dumaloy ang luha sa pisnge ko, unti-unti akong nadudurog dahil sa mga binitawan nyang salita. Why? just why?

I looked at my own reflection. Young yet pale, desperate, unwanted. I laughed, a hollow bitter sound. "Was I...Was I that easy to abandon?"

Bakit parang kasalanan ko pa na pinanganak ako? Bakit parang kasalanan ko ang lahat? Kasalanan ko ba talaga?

Is it wrong for me to ask for their guidance? for their love? Hindi eh. It hurts more na sa murang edad kinailangan kong malaman ang lahat ng to. Kaylangan kong malaman na kahit ano ang gawin ko, wala akong pagmamahal na makukuha sakanila. Wala akong puwang sa puso nila.

These people have me while still buried in their past. They chained me, they tied me up. They made me believed that you need to earn their love---but no, libre ang pamamahal, sadyang ayaw lang nilang mag-aksaya ng oras sa akin.

They broke me first-my parents, the ones I loved before I knew what love could cost. I kept reaching out, hoping they'd pull me close, and instead they taught me how it feels to be unwanted by the people you needed most.

When the shouting died down, all I could hear was my own sobbing. My mom, instead of wiping my tears away, cradling me in her arms and telling me it would be ok, looked away as if I didn't matter. As if I didn't exist.

"M-mom...dad?" Hikbi ko.

"Fucking hell!!!" Dad grabbed a vase near him and smashed it to the floor. Halos lahat kami napitlag. Galit na galit syang napatingin sa'akin, my hands trembles habang umaatras ako.

Tatakbo na sana ako ng mahuli nya ang balikat ko. I yelped when he squeezed my shoulders so hard I thought it would crush under his grip.

"Bakit kaylangan mo pang mabuhay?!!!! Bakit ka pa nabuhay!!!!" He roared habang inaalog ako. "I could have him kong hindi ka lang nabuhay!!"

I'm confused. Seeing his reddened eyes that's full of rage and contempt...to his own son that's when I realized na...wala ng pag-asa.

"D-dad please na-nasasaktan ako," I choked out. Ngunit hindi sya nakinig mas lalo nya pag hinigpitan ang pagkakahawak sa balikat ko. "Mom please help me," I called for her help.

In that moment I knew damn well na kahit sya, tatalikuran ako. Siguro mas nasaktan ako sa part na halos madurog na ang balikat ko kesa sa pagbulagbulagan ng ina ko. I wasn't expecting anything, that's why it doesn't hurt as much.

They were the first ones to teach me how it felt to shatter. Long before the world ever touched me, my parents broke me in ways I'm still learning how to name.

And maybe kasalanan ko. Baka nga kasalanan ko kong bakit sila nahihirapan?

Nalaman ko ng mga panahon na yun na my dad and Austine's dad were once lovers. I wasn't naive, I saw it. The way he called his name when he was drunk, while he called me useless.

I was a child, but I had to grow up fast. No one is there to take care of me, so I had to do it myself. Nasa malayo si Nanay Janice, the only person who truly cared about me. Kahit sya ipinagkait sa akin ng mga magulang ko.

They want me to suffer for a sin I didn't even commit, nor I even know what it was.

I had longed stopped reaching out for them. I had long give up the hope I'd carry for as long as I can remember.

Kagagaling ko lang non sa school ng maabutan kong nasa kwarto ko ang magaling kong ama, holding the letter I was familiar in his hand. My eyes widened for a moment. I balled my fist and looked at him straight in the eyes.

"Give it back, that's not yours." I tried to reach it, but he was far taller than me. My jaw clenched.

His stoic and cold eyes dropped on me. "I heard from someone that you've been following Austine around." My hands recoiled.

I was taken aback. It's true na lagi akong nakasunod sa kanya but I never knew na may makakapansin at ang mas malala pa isusumbong ako sa magaling kong tatay.

"So? You hold nothing in my life." I said frankly na syang ikinadilim ng mata nya. Galit na galit syang pumunta sa harap ko. "So give it back and get the hell out of here."

The moment I saw him lifting his hand I closed my eyes. A sharp, loud sound echoed in my ears as my cheeks burned. The impact was so strong kaya natumba ako.

"Don't you fucking dare go near him. Subukan mo at malalaman mo kung ano ang kaya kong gawin. Don't try me Knox. You are not allowed to go near him," my father's exact words.

I stand firmly. "No." I refused to follow him.

His jaw clicked. "Then I'll have you sent to Mexico. I also heard that he was an Archer, his coach told me that he really wanted to go to nationals, what would be his reaction when he found out that he was not cut to do that." He threatened me.

He has a connection, I'll admit that. After years of watching him alam ko kong gaano ka halaga ang archery sa kanya. Painful as it might sound but I drew my line for the first time.

I watched how he suffered alone when his mom died. I watched how he lost his spark day by day. I watched all of it while doing nothing but just watching. Gusto kong tumakbo at ikulong sya sa mga bisig ko, telling na magiging ok lang ang lahat.

But no. I fear na baka pag nalaman ni dad ang ginawa ko ilalayo nya ako sa kanya. Hindi ko kaya...hindi ko kakayanin.

Mula grade 8 hanggang sa senior high lagi akong nakaabang sa kanya, letter in my hand dahil umaasa pa rin ako na baka kahit ilang segundo lang makakausap ko syang muli.

But every time I saw his smile, the way he looked so lovely under the dim light of his favorite cafe, natotorpe ako. Natatakot. Takot sa posibleng mangyari sa akin dahil alam kong kahit saan ako magpunta may matang nakasunod sa akin.

Alam ko, I can feel it. My father would do anything to stop me from approaching him. I tried once nong Senior high ako, but before I could get the chance, someone dragged me...away from him.

I can still feel the pain from the whip in my back kahit ilang taon na ang nakaraan. I received countless beating from my own father from wanting to be near Austine.

"I told you, hindi kita sasantoin..." walang kabuhay-buhay nyang saad at iniwan akong nanghihina na sala.

Pagak akong napatawa. Pathetic. Really pathetic. Mag sama sila ng ina kong walang kwenta.

Despite the palpable consequences, I still followed Austine. I wanted to see him smile as it washes away all of my frustration.

God knows how much I wished to just at least sit next to him. To breathe in the same space as him. Ang creepy ko na dahil sa pinanggagawa ko, but fuck! I can't stop.

He was my light, the kaleidescope of my dull, useless life. The golden hue of bitter existence. I want him...And no one else.

Nag apply ako sa cafe kong saan sila namamalagi kahit dalawang oras ang layo nito sa sarili kong paaralan. I swear, everytime tatama ang mata nya sa akin para akong nawawalan ng hininga. I couldn't think straight dahil sa mga titig nya.

"No way!" he exclaimed while conversing with his friends.

"Dude is fucked up. Imagine tinaya nya yung kotse nya para sa babae tas nalaman nya na may anak na pala. Putangina Rayne, muntikan kana maging stepdad!"

Their laughed echoed kaya napangiti ako.

For years I had followed him, wrote him a letter I never sent. It was painful, having to want to talk to him but couldn't at the same time.

"Pakibigay sa table 16, don sa lalaking naka hoody na gray. Sabihin mo na libre na," I handed Ate Lie the cupcake. Tinaas nya ako ng kilay.

"Ay waiter na pala ako?"

"Waiter ka naman talaga ate kaya sige na," tinapik ko ang balikat nya at tumalikod. Ramdam ko pa ang masama nyang tingin sa likod ko.

I kneel to the counter enough to cover me. Nakahawak ako sa edge ng counter habang nakasilip sa magiging reaksyon nya.

It's a chocolate cupcake; I know much about choosing that cake dahil an ang palaigi nyang order. First year college na kami but here I still couldn't let go of the warmth he had given me that day.

Wala sa loob na nilagay ni Ate Lie ang cupcake sa table nila.

"Galing don sa poging nasa counter," sabay turo sa direksyon ko. Anak ng!

Sabay silang napatingin sa direksyon ko, our eyes met for a second before I completely flopped myself to the ground dahil sa sobrang kahihiyan.

His eyes were enough to take my breath away, titigan nya pa kaya ako. Ate Lie!

"What was that?!" mahinang singhal ko sa kanya ng makabalik na sya sa counter.

Inirapan nya ako. "Type mo? lapitan mo nalang wag kang torpe," she crossed her arms around her chest.

Napakagat ako sa labi ko. I wish I could. The danger is there, takot akong mapalayo sa kanya. Takot ako na baka pag lumapit ako sa kanya, hindi ko na masisilayan ang mga ngiti nya.

Oo, I'm a coward. I'm afraid, and there's nothing I can do but to just be greedy and wish that someday, somewhere along the way, makakalapit ako.

I refused to take the risk of approaching him and being sent far away from him. Hindi ko kaya...hindi ko kakayanin.

"Seeing him from afar is enough for me..." I said softly, my eyes tracing every inch of his face.

She patted my shoulder. "Ok lang sayo na makita syang masaya sa iba? I mean look at him, his handsome and probably everyone's type. If you're watching him then goodluck, you just signed yourself up from your greatest heartbreak."

I know. I watched him get taken away. I watched how he holds others when in fact it could have been me.

All these years, I'm still holding on to that little hope, his warmth and his smile.

Dear god, pag dumating man ang time na makakalapit na ako sa kanya, may you be gentle with us, may you bless our hearts because I will do anything in my power to hold and treasured his hands forever.

I want to feel him, just for a moment. Under the dim light of the parking lot, I bend down and run my fingers through his hair. He groaned and shifted. He's wasted and he was sitting beside his car. Head resting on his tire.

"You still haven't changed a bit," I said, caressing his cheeks. Pinagmasdan ko ang mukha nyang nakakahumaling.

Corny, pero sino ang tututol.

I sat beside him and rested his head on my shoulder, taking in the moment. The first and probably the last time.

"Hirap mo namang lapitan," I ranted, kahit alam kong hindi nya ako naririnig. "What happened? why did you quit archery? I want to know..."

Inabot ko ang kamay nya at minasahe yun.

"What's the use of using broken glass? My mom is dead so does archery in my heart," a raspy, sleepy voice answered.

Gulat akong napalingon sa katabi ko. He spoke!

"Lumaki ka ata Raf, tigas ng muscle mo," sabay himas sa braso ko kaya halos mawalan na ako ng hininga.

This is dangerous. He is dangerous.

Magsasalita pa sana ako when I saw his friends exiting the bar. Dahan-dahan kung isinandig ang ulo nya sa gulong at agad na tumayo para umalis. Before I leave, I glanced at him, a small smile tugged the corner of my lips. Pretty.

"Tangina tulog na, Rayne buhatin mo nga to."

"Hell nah, I need to take care of my sister. Si Ian at Drix nagsusuka na sa loob. Tangina naman."

"Raf? lumiit ata muscle mo ngayon."

Mahina akong natawa ng marinig ko ang boses nya. I glanced once more and saw his eyes..focusing on me. My breath hitched for a second. Agad akong pumara ng taxi at umuwi na.

Kuntento na ako...sa ngayon. Napatingin ako sa kamay ko, I can still feel his smooth skin. Ikinuyom ko ang palad ko at hinalikan yun.

My heart is aching. I want him. I fucking want him.

Isang sampal ang agad na bumungad sa'akin ng makarating ako sa bahay. I stumble on my feet, napahawak ako sa pisnge ko at di makapaniwalang binalingan ng tingin ang tatay ko.

"What's the meaning of this!" he threw his phone at me na agad kong sinalo. "I told you to fucking stay away from him Knox, and yet you defy me. Ilang beses na ba tong nangyayari? Putangina hindi ka pa talaga nadadala!"

My fist clenched when I saw the photo. Ako at si Austine kanina sa parking lot. He's leaning against me habang nakatingin ako sa nakapikit nyang mukha.

"Are you following me?" I accused him. I scoffed and his fist immediately landed on my jaw. Biglang nandilim ang paningin ko ng lumagapak ako sa sahig.

"Kel! Jusko! ano nanaman to!" Agad na tumakbo si nanay Janice sa pwesto ko at inalalayan akong tumayo habang hawak-hawak ko ang labi kong dumudugo. "Ano bang nangyayari sayo?!"

His blazing eyes found mine. "Pag sabihan mo yang walang kwenta mong apo. Hindi marunong makinig!" He roared while pointing at me.

Nahagip ng mata ko si mommy na nakatingin lang sa akin. I averted my gaze back to my father, hindi na ako umaasa na ipaglalaban nya ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nandito pa to eh matagal na syang umalis.

"Ano bang problema mo?!" Sigaw ni Nanay Janice. "Jusko po, ang apo ko." Her eyes was filled with horror when he looked at my father. Na para bang hindi nya na kilala ang taong nakatayo sa harapan nya.

Growing up, dalawang tao lang ang sumalba sa'akin. Si Austine at si Nanay Janice, so seeing her like this broke my heart.

I gently caress her back and smiled at her. "Ok lang ako, Nay. Wag na kayong umiyak..." I coaxed her. It's her first time seeing me get beaten up by my father kaya siguro ganito na lang ang gulat nya.

"Hindi ako makalapit kay Seb, kaya ano ang karapatan nya na lumapit sa anak nya." His voice echoed. My mom nearby, closed her eyes and turned around, leaving...again.

"Ano ka bata?! Please lang, mag move on na kayo sa sari-sarili nyong buhay! Ang kasalanan nyo ay kasalanan nyo lang! Wag mong idamay ang anak mo sa pagkakamali mo!" Humagulhol si Nanay Janice.

My dad is petty.

Matigas ang ulo nya, he just shook his head, refusing to let me be. Hindi ko naman kasalanan na hindi sya makalapit sa taong mahal nya, so bakit parang pinapalabas nya na kasalanan ko?

Hahayaan ko sya kahit sino pang lalaki ang landiin nya! I just want him to set me free from his own insecurities. It wasn't my fault, wala akong kasalanan but somehow, he manages to chain my neck to his past.

I swallowed the lump in my throat "You are insecure." I confronted him bravely. "You refused to see me happy dahil naiingit ka. Why can I live a happy life with someone I love when you couldn't? Kaya ba pinaparusahan mo ako? You are petty and I'm ashamed to be called your son!"

My hands were trembling, challenging his venom gaze.

"You controlled my life, simply because you want to entangle me with your own mistakes. You want me to suffer as much as you did! You never treated me as your son, as someone, you never even acknowledged that I'm a human! Your son! Your own blood and flesh."

The quiet ache I had carried all these years resurfaced. A single tear rolled down my cheeks na agad ko namang pinunasan.

"You are unreasonable, you chained me." Madiin ko syang dinuro. My father is tall and stronger than me, but I couldn't care less. He was a monster. A fucking monster who can't accept his child's happiness.

They were supposed to take care of me but instead taught me a painful lesson that even your parents will hurt you because they were drowning.

He shook his head unbelievably. "Pack your things, ayaw kitang makita dito. I'll have my secretary transfer you to St. Augustine." He said, firm and final.

I chuckled bitterly. "And to think you had the audacity to say that to me. I should be the one saying that. Heartless monster."

After that, I never saw my father again. But the weight of what he had done still rested on my mind and my soul. I had endured countless reprimanding that wasn't normal for someone who was just trying to live his life.

A year has passed, at don ko lang nalaman na may kapatid pala ako. For 8 years itinago ni Mom na she had a child from a different man. At first, I was angry but later on realized that my sister suffered the same faith I've been through.

Instead of love from our mother she saw her as a means to climb the social ladder. I was disgusted, mortified to even call those my parents.

"When are you gonna see me again?" A soft voice stopped me and tugged the hem of my shirt.

I looked down and saw my sister hugging her teddy bear. I crouched down and caressed her hair.

"Sooner, Kuya will study hard so that I can give you the life that you deserve, ok?" I cooed at her. She smiled and hugged me kaya niyakap ko rin sya pabalik.

"Then, I'll stay strong for you, so that you don't have to worry about me. I promise."

At such a young age, masyado ng mature si Kaycee. She was 7, and yet she's forced to grow up immediately dahil sa mga walang kwenta naming magulang.

Every mature word that had escaped from Kaycee's mouth, it doesn't make me proud, it makes me sad. She should think about Barbie dolls, instead she was forced to think about the future. About work, about how she could help me to ease my burden.

I'm not proud. It's sad.

For all the children who had grown up too fast because the world showed its cruelty too soon, we never deserve this burden.

None of us. Masyado pang maaga para mamulat tayo sa mundo.

We should have been held, protected and allowed to be soft.

Yet, we've learned to survive in a world that asks too much for us.

And that strength, though born from pain, is something we've never should have had to learn.

Time had passed and I clawed my way up and became the President of St. Augustine. I had the privilege to go in and out of the school kaya kahit papaano nakikita ko pa din sya.

Full scholarship ang nakuha ko sa university kaya kahit ganun hindi ko pa rin pinapababayaan ang pag-aaral ko. I don't want my father's help.

I can do this alone, I don't know how but I'm gonna make it work.

On my tired days, I drove for almost an hour, parked my car outside their school gate and waited for him so that I could see him. My friends called me creepy for seeking out, and I agreed.

One can never understand the greed I had for him.

I believed na hanggang dito na lang talaga, tanggap ko na na kahit kailan hinding-hindi ko na sya malalapitan pang muli.

"Sevilliana, Lopez tas Dela Costa ata."

"What?" I asked Preston.

"May transferees ngayon, kalagitnaan na ng sem pero.."

After hearing the surname of the new transferees agad akong tumakbo papuntang gate para makita kung totoo talaga. My heart bounced with excitement, no way!

He's here. He's really here.

I composed myself when I reached the gate. At don, nakita ko nga sya, he was leaning against their car, heads down and seemingly uninterested in what was happening.

I bit my lips, suppressing the grin on my lips. Dear god. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya habang nakikipag-usap ang dean at ang tatay nya. He lifted his head at agad naman na nagtama ang mata namin.

He tilted his head, my jaw clenched. Fuck, I want to run to him. I want to hug him. Fuck this shit.

"Knox Cyrus Villanueva, school president of St. Augustine University." I tried to be as cold as I could, but I really couldn't.

When his eyes met mine again, I felt like the world had stopped spinning. The color of his eyes was still the same, but the warmth behind it was no longer there. It had vanished.

After all these years, he's finally close enough to touch... yet still just out of reach. And somehow, that makes me love him even more. I've learned how to control my emotions when he is near.

I thought I could finally express my love openly, but no. In the corner of my eyes, I saw his dad, looking at me warily. Mukhang nakilala nya ata ako dahil sa apelyido ko. I mentally clenched my jaw when he scooted over and whispered something in my ear.

"If you value your scholarship, stay away from my son."

His words lingered in my mind for a very long time. Why do people always finds a way to take my happiness away? Kapagod na lagi nalang ganito. Wag kang ganito, wag kang ganyan.

I had enough.

"Is it possible to switch rooms?" I asked the dorm manager, Aunt Mellis, beforehand.

Napaisip sya sandali bago sumagot. "It is, pag pumayag ang roommate mo or both parties agreed para walang gulo." She explained. Napatango nalang ako.

I fished out my phone out of my pocket and typed a message for Preston.

Please say yes when I asked you to change room. Please...

Whatever

Napangiti nalang ako ng makita ang message nya.

I was about to suggest that one of them will room with me, when Austine insisted na makasama ako sa isang dorm. I might look cold outside but deep down I'm fucking celebrating.

Hindi ko ipinakita kong gaano ako ka saya ng araw na yun. Imagine breathing the same air, in the same room. Mawawalan ata ako ng hininga nyan.

Oh my god. I wanna hug him. I want him, I fucking want him. Dear god, dear god, dear god! I'm not your strongest soldier pag dating sa ganitong mga bagay. Hindi ko kaya.

Malulunok ko ata ang puso ko.

"Nabuang na ba si Pres? nakangiti habang nakatulala. May nakikita ba sya na hindi natin nakikita?" Boses ni Jamie. Minata ko sya at nginitian, his eyes widen in horror at agad na tumakbo palabas ng office habang hawak-hawak ang mga papeles.

"Aswang!!!!!" His voice echoed as he ran down the hallway.

Napailing nalang ako and continued my work. He asked for my bacon, I could give it to him. I wanted to give it to him pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko.

Baka masabihan pa akong creepy if I started acting so clingy to him.

Ibibigay ko sa kanya ang bacon, kahit pati sarili ko ibibigay ko rin. Libre lang ako.

Only if he knew how my heart leap out of my chest whenever he's around, sasalohin nya kaya? or patuloy nalang akong aasa sa wala.

I promised to myself to treat him better, be nice to him, and cherish him for the rest of my life. Instead, I was born to say I love you but forced to say I hate you. It breaks my heart how he misunderstood things, but I was afraid. I was dealing with my own storm.

The night before I gathered my courage to give him one of my letters. A message popped up. A single photo that drained the blood on my face. A shiver ran down my spine, a cold sweat ran down my forehead.

It's a photo of Nanay Janice and my sister playing outside our house. Beneath it, a message from Austine's dad.

"Stay away or I'll ruin you instead."

I closed my eyes tightly, balled my fist so hard my knuckles turned white. Isa-isang tumulo ang luha ko.

"Can I at least please do what I really want..." hikbi ko.

I started to distance myself kahit alam ko sa sarili ko na I want to bury myself in his arms.

The day I say I hated him, I dropped on my knees and cried in front of the infirmary. I stayed there for an hour, his touch still lingered. His hurt eyes itched on my mind.

"Napaka walang kwenta mo!" Singhal ko at sinapak ang sarili ko. Hindi sa mukha kundi sa dibdib. Ang sakit...napaka sakit.

Walang-wala yung sakit na natatanggap ko mula sa latigo o kamao ng tatay ko sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Putangina naman! kahit ngayon lang, let me have him...kahit sya nalang panginoon oh.

Kahit sya nalang...

I was lost. Nakakalito.

"I'm so sorry..." I sobbed until someone hugged me. Hyacinth.

"Anong nangyayari?" tanong nito sakin. Nanatili akong tahimik. Alam ko na alam nya ang rason kung bakit ako nagkaganito.

Hyacinth knows all of my secrets kaya nga sinundan nya ako dito.

I cried on her shoulder as she whispered that it would be ok.

Puta ako yung nasasaktan. God knows na sa tuwing nasasaktan ko sya, nadudurog ako. Ok na eh, lumalapit na ang loob nya sa'akin. Pero putanginang takot na to.

I was powerless, I was useless, hindi ko pa sya deserve kaya wala akong karapatang sumaya dahil nalaman kong may pagtingin na sya para sa'akin.

His love is all I craved for, but those goddamn parents of ours left me no choice but to stay on line.

Gusto kong tumakbo sa bisig nya at sabihin kong gaano ko sya ka mahal, kong gaano sya lang ang laman ng bawat panalangin ko. I want him to know.

Nasaktan ko sya? Ano pa ba?

"Takot ka? Saan?" I heard Jamie and Preston's conversation.

Jamie shrugged her shoulders. "Ang strict kasi ng parents ko. Tangina, imbes na boyfriend ko ang sasabihin ko naging 'Mom, Dad friend ko.' Nasaktan ko sya dahil naduwag ako."

Preston caressed her back. "If you really love that person maging ready ka mag take ng risk, dahil baka dahil sa kaduwagan mo magsisi ka. Tas balang araw mapapatanong ka nalang na bakit hindi ka nag risk? Bat ka sumuko na lang?"

Risk. Is it really worth it?

Kinagabihan, he texted me na magluluto daw sya kaya napangiti nalang ako. Balak kong umuwi, balak kong sabayan sya sa hapag-but the other council dragged me to celebrate Zyran's acceptance.

I sat beside him, he smiled and I just smiled back. Nothing more.

"Buti nalang talaga at ikaw ang nanalo Zy, galing mo naman."

Pinagkagulohan nila si Zyran, habang nag-iisip ako ng dahilan para makaalis dito. I promised him that I'd be home.

I opened my phone and saw the time, agad na nanlaki ang mata ko at dali-daling tumayo para umuwi. Shit, ten pm na. My heart pounded on my chest, baka naghintay sya non. Napakagat nalang ako sa labi ko at hindi na pinansin ang boses nila.

"What the fuck Knox? ang tanga, napaka tanga mo." I scolded myself.

I was about to open the door when a message popped up on my screen. Unknown number. Nagdadalawang isip pa ako kong ioopen ko ba or hindi. Napailing nalang ako and opened the message.

My grips tightened, my knuckles turned white.

"I'm watching, stay away from my son."

A message from his father again. A message that kept me shackled. Mapait akong napangiti. How? how can they do this? ni hindi ba sila nakokonsensya na pati kami kinukulong nila sa nakaraan nila.

"Ang tabang." Mapait akong napatawa ng malasahan ang adobong niluto nya. I pushed him away that night. Tumulo ang luha ko, dahan-dahang bumigay ang tuhod ko kaya napaluhod ako.

Mahina akong humikbi.

"Napaka tanga mo Knox, ang tanga mo." I punched my chest.

The scholarship is all I had para makaalis sa puder ng tatay ko. I'm torn between wanting him or sacrificing my scholarship. Nangako ako kay Kaycee...this is my last resort but why do I have to suffer like this?

Kong ako lang, hahayaan kong sirain nila ako, tatakbo ako kung nasaan si Austine. But I know that without knowing parehas lang din kaming maghihirap.

Nandyan pa si Kaycee...ang kapatid ko...Ang nanay Janice ko...si Austine... hindi ko sila maipaglalaban kong pati ako wala.

Inuntog ko ang ulo ko sa pader ng paulit-ulit. Patuloy pa rin ang pag hikbi ko dahil pati ako hindi na alam kong ano ang gagawin.

He confessed, and I feel guilty. I should be giving him my all right now but no, instead of being happy mas lalo akong nahihirapan.

Nilunok ko ang niluto nya at payak na ngumiti. I made up my mind. I need to stay away from him, I wanted to be strong, to build something for us. When the time comes babawiin ko sya.

Please god, please let me have a life away from the past that had chained us. Nasasaktan ko na sya, nasasaktan na kami. Must we suffer for all the things we've never done?

Must we suffer also simply because our parents suffered? must we live a life where happiness feels like a luxury, so hard to attain?

God please, kahit ngayon lang. Ibigay mo sa'akin ang buhay na hinihiling ko na kasama sya.

I don't want to see him hurt because of me.

Ito na ba ang resulta ng pagiging greedy ko? Kong hindi ko nalang sana pinilit ang tadhana na hindi para sa aming dalawa edi sana hindi sya ngayon nasasaktan. Hindi kami nasasaktan.

It is my fault for wanting more of him. It is all my fault. Ang dami kong ginawa para lang makita sya, I used the excuse of being a School President to see him, to have him in my arms. Pero puta, dapat pala nakuntento nalang ako nakita syang nasa malayo.

"Kasalanan ko, sana hindi na lang ako lumapit sakan---" Isang sampal ang dumapo sa pisnge ko kaya napatabingi ang mukha ko.

"Pinagsasabi mo? Putangina naman, alam ko kong ano ang may meron kayo ni Austine. I saw how you looked at him pero bakit ang gago mo?" Abigail grabbed me by my collar. Nanlilisik ang kanyang mata.

I bowed my head. "I-I watched him cry in the garden because of me, I watched how I ruined him. I fucking ruined him. Walang wala pa ako ngayon kaya di ko sya maipaglalaban. I want to forget him even for a couple of minutes..." Mapait akong napatawa. "But fuck, how can I? His warmth haunted me..."

I broke down in tears, I feel so helpless. Confused...and hurt.

"Please, stop being a coward...he needs you right now. He fucking needs you..."Niyugyog nya ako. "WAKE UP!...Please! nasasaktan nyo na ang isa't-isa. Stop being confused and go for him." I meet her eyes.

"Do you think he wants me after all the things I've done to him?" Payak kong saad. Why would he need me when all I did was hurt him?

"Bastard. Don't let other people decide what you should do. Do what you want, iwan mo dito ang takot mo...and run to where he is. Just like you always do..."

I looked at her, she smiled melancholy and turned her back on me. Napailing nalang ako, bahagyang natauhan. She's right. Why would others decide my fate? my future?

Fuck! I ran as fast as I could to reach him. Pag dating ko sa dorm namin, I fixed myself and twisted open the door handle. The moment I stepped inside, a sharp, heavy cry welcomed me.

My hands trembled when I saw him on the ground, crying. Each sob that had escaped his lips, sent a sharp pain in my chest.

"Mom...No..." He sobbed.

I reached for him. Embrace him. And for the first time I felt the certainty that I've been longing for. If we can't break free from our parents' past simply doing what they want, then that should change.

I want a place for the both of us where we can love each other freely. No chain that had shackled us, just a place where we can call ours.

"I need to go," he pushed past me at tumakbo palabas. He warned me not to follow him. But, how could I not?

Despite him begging me not to followed him, I grabbed my car key and followed him. Halfway down the road nawala sa paningin ko ang sasakyan nya. Napakagat nalang ako sa labi ko dahil ang bigat ng traffic.

"Shit!" I honked the horn of my car.

Tuloyan ng nawala ang sasakyan nya. Ng umusad ang traffic agad kong pinaharurot ang sasakyan ko papunta sa bahay nila.

His distressed face kept echoing in my mind. When I reached their hacienda, sa di kalayuan, I saw him destroying their garden while crying.

Wala akong masyadong marinig dahil na rin sa pumapatak na ang ulan. All I know is that he is broken. Once the rain poured in, he knelt on the ground hugging the only remains of his mother. The painting.

"Ma rerestore pa ba sya?" I asked one of my co-officer. Si Angela.

She looked at the painting and shook her head. "Hindi na, na damage na ng ulan. Tignan mo puro smudge, ok lang sana kong maalikabok eh pero basa ba naman, pagawa ka nalang ng bago 30x40 ang size para di kana mahirapan." She said.

Napatango nalang ako. I spent like weeks to find someone who can paint the portrait of his mother. Buti nalang may tinago akong dyaryo kong saan na headline sila years ago.

I promised him kaya tutuparin ko ang pangako ko. Sa mga oras na yun, handa na ako. Handa na akong suwayin ang mga magulang namin para lang sa kanya. I decided to force my way out. Kaya kong lumaban, lalaban ako.

I don't care anymore; I want to feel his touch once more. I want to scream to the world how he matters to me. How he saves me just merely for existing.

Kinausap ko si Zyran ng mga sandaling yun, I told him how much I liked Austine and wanting to hear some advice from him, sya lang ang tanging matinong tao na pwede kong makausap patungkol dito.

"I'm nervous, I mean we already kissed and did all sorts of things but me confessing what I truly felt about him put me at edge. W-what if ..."

He cut me off. He grabbed my hand and smiled softly. "Stop hiding, stop being a coward and run to him. Ignore those people that brought you pain and listen to what you really desire. Please do so, bago mo pagsisihan ang lahat."

Napakagat ako sa labi ko at napangiti. He's right.

Just when I thought everything was going according to plan...he...suddenly disappeared. Out of reach, out of touch.

He ran away from me.

I had given him mix signals, I had hurt him, kaya siguro this is my punishment for wanting so much from him that it scares me...it fucking scares me to take the risk.

What would happen if I took the risk yesterday and not now? What will happen if I pull him in my embrace and say how much I would die to have him...to love him freely.

But does time wait for you? or you don't always have to wait for the right time. I once read something like, not all things have the right time. May mga bagay na susubok sa paniniwala mo sa buhay, mapapatanong ka nalang na "when is the right time?"

But the truth is, walang tamang panahon kong hindi ka kikilos ngayon.

May mga tao na sasabihan kang, hintayin mo dadating din ang tamang panahon para sayo. But does that even exist? If I sat at one edge, contemplating, overthinking a lot of things, dadating ba ang tamang panahon na yan?

Hindi. Once you start believing that you're waiting for the perfect time, that's when you realize that all you've done is wait.

And now, I lost him.

I spent half of my life finding the courage to ignore the voices that had stopped me from doing what I wanted, but that courage arrived too late. He's gone.

"Austine! Please, where are you?!" I cried nowhere. Nandito ako sa harden kong saan sya namamalagi.

I tried calling him again and again, but each time it went to voice mail. Hindi ko na alam kong saan ko sya hahanapin, hanggang sa dumaan sa isip ko sina Rafael.

Desperate, I ran again, barefoot, to their dorm. Anong oras na kaya pinapanalangin ko na gising pa sila.

When I reached Rafael's dorm, agad akong kumatok.

"Raf! P-Please open the door..." I pleaded. I knocked again.

Rafael opened the door, and when he saw me in my disheveled state, his eyes widened.

"What happened?" He asked, shocked.

"H-have you seen Austine? Do you know where he is? please, tell me where he is..." I choked out the words. My vision blurring, nagbabadyang tumulo ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

He looked at me for a second, his eyes carried pity, doubt and confusion. He slowly shook his head. "Austine will never run away unless the pain is too much for him to carry," he said.

I shook my head violently. "P-please if you knew where he went, please tell me...I'm begging you. He's all I had, I can't afford to lose him this time." I begged.

I can't do this alone. I planned to leave everything behind me, ready na akong sumuko at magpakatatag but why? why I am too late? bat ako naduwag? napaka tanga ko.

Bumagsak ang balikat ko when he shook his head once again. "I don't know what happened but I think it's best if you leave him be."

Unti-unting bumagsak ang luha ko. Wala na akong paki kong ano ang itsura ko ngayon. All I really want is to know where he went.

"I-I can't...hindi ko kaya..."Patuloy ang pag-iling ko.

Bumuntong hininga sya. "What do I do with the two of you?" Aniya na para bang problemado. "Come inside. I'll call his grandma."

Pumasok ako sa dorm nila timing naman na kakalabas lang din ni Preston sa kwarto nya. When he saw me, his eyes widened. My vision became blurry once again. Agad syang tumakbo at niyakap ako.

I cried in his shoulder. "He left..." I whispered achingly. Bahagya syang natigilan.

"Shhh...babalik sya," He cooed while patting my back.

I close my eyes, hoping that this is all a nightmare. Wala akong masisi, dahil sa kaloob-looban ko alam kong kasalanan ko.

I loved him by staying away, believing that distance would keep us safe from their wrath---believing that if I didn't reach out too far, I wouldn't lose him at all. I let fear speaks louder than my hands who wanted to hold him bad and by any means I called it patience. Putangina napaka gago ko.

While I was learning how to be brave inside, I didn't know that I'm deeply scarring his heart that he chooses to run away from me---learning how to live without my presence, which haunted me like a fucking idiot.

Every space I put between us was to protect what little we had, yet it became the very reason it slipped away.

"I finally choose him, but there was no one left to choose me back...I didn't even know kong nasaan sya..." Nanghihina kong saad.

The life I had followed him, leaving me broken and hollow with no one else to blame but my own cowardice.

"She's not answering as well." Si Rafael. He looked at me and sigh again. "I'm sorry, I really don't know what happened, I tried calling Sloane, but she had no idea also."

Walang gana akong ngumiti sa kanya. "Thank you. Alam ko na kong saan ako pupunta," mahina kong saad.

His brows furrowed. "You're not thinking of coming to his house, aren't you?"

"I'm sorry but I am. The only way to know where he is, is to talk to his dad. I'm willing to beg and kneel in front of him if it means knowing where Austine is."

For him, I will lower myself. Kaya ko yun.

We can never truly break free from what had shackled us if we never take the risk.

I'm lost. Without him my life holds no significance. He is my daylight and the one who can calm the storm in me. I don't want to live a life where he is not present.

It was dusk where the night and the sunlight exchanges glances. Between that fleeting moment they shared secrets and unspoken truths only the two of them could ever understand. I'm the dusk, Austine was my sunshine.

"Sir please! Gusto ko lang malaman kong na saan si Austine! Please!" I shouted just outside their giant gate.

Pinuntahan ako ng guard nila, trying to stop me. "Sir, wag ho kayong mag iskandalo dito. Umalis na po kayo." Marahan akong tinulak ng guard papalayo.

I looked at him, my eyes pleading. "Wag po muna Sir. Gusto ko lang makausap si Mr. Sevilliana." Rinig kong nabasag ang sarili kong boses. Napatitig sya sa akin ng ilang segundo bago bumuntong hininga.

"Sir bawal talaga ang aga-aga mong nangbubulabog. Baka tulog pa sila. Umalis ka nalang muna." Pagtataboy nya ulit.

Mas lalo akong nawalan ng pag-asa. I held his hand. "Sir...nagmamakaawa ako, gusto ko lang syang makausap."

There's a long pause between us. Nanlalabo ulit ang mata ko. Nagtagpo ang kanyang kilay.

"Hindi ko alam kong ano ang nangyayari pero pag ako nalintikan babalikan kita." Banta nito habang napapakamot sa ulo pero dahan-dahan nyang binuksan ang gate.

Hearing the ruckus outside their home Austine's father came out in his pajama.

Once his eyes landed on mine, his jaw clenched, so hard I could hear his teeth clattering. "Go home and I'll pretend I didn't hear anything." He said, his voice cold as ice.

Napakagat ako sa labi ko. Akmang tatalikuran nya na ako, when I grabbed his hands. "P-please sir, where's Austine? Parang-awa nyo na po sabihin nyo kong nasaan po sya. P-parang-awa nyo na...." My voice cracked. My vision became blurry again.

Behind my blurry vision, I saw how his expression shifted. "No." He tried to yanked my hand off of his but I held it firmly.

"G-gagawin ko ang lahat, sabihin nyo lang kong na saan sya. I-I just wanted to know..." I begged again.

Dahan-dahan akong lumuhod sa harapan nya. Hawak-hawak ko pa rin ang kamay nya.

"P-parang awa nyo na..." hikbi ko.

Hindi ko kaya na wala sya sa tabi. Alam kong kasalanan ko but damn it, I wanted to know where he is.

My breathing came in ragged gasps, each one a battle against the heavy burden in my chest. I choke out a subtle sobs, each one a desperate plea.

"I loved him for over a decade, received countless punches from my father for wanting to see him.

..for wanting him. I'm well aware about you and my father.

..b-but please...just this once let me h-have him.

Let me love him without your voice tearing us a-apart.

K-kahit ngayon lang...parang-awa nyo na.

..s-stop chaining us in your own past mistakes. .."

Each sobs that had escaped from my lips was a testament how much I wanted him that I'm willing to lower myself...for him...for us...for our future together.

"Y-you don't mean it..." aniya, sounding as if denying what he just heard. "People will ostracized the both of you for being together...h-hindi nyo kakayanin..." Saad nito. His voice cracked.

Still kneeling, I looked up. "The society might weaponized our love anyway so might as well be together if they're gonna crucify us. W-wala akong paki sa mga taong nakapalibot sa amin, all I care is your son, Austine..."

"...Nothing can hurt us anymore dahil mas nauna nyo kaming saktan..." Malumanay kong saad.

My words got him. He stiffen, his hands trembling a little.

"You're not as cruel as my father, p-please..."

"Seb, it's time. Let go. Let them, masyado ng malalim ang kutsilyong tinamin ninyo sa puso nila..." I heard a soft, gentle voice.

He craned his neck to see her. She was in her night gown, glowing as the stars up in the sky. She approaches me and gently caressed my cheeks.

Agad na tumulo ang luha ko, my chest aching from the warmth she gave.

She smiled, "Nasa Costa Rica si Austine with his grandma. It's been so long since we last saw him and I wanted to make things right by telling you this. Alam kong may kanya-kanya kaming kasalanan and I wouldn't deny any of it because I'm part of it." Marahan nyang hinaplos ang pisnge ko.

"...And I wanted...we wanted to make a change. My husband and your father projected their hurt on both of you and I saw how they ruined you..."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I took a step backwards avoiding her hands. Her shoulders loosened at my sudden action.

"I never wanted an apology; I wouldn't be here if it's not for Austine. I hurt him because I'm a coward and I want nothing but to know where he is so that I run to him, but Costa Rica?"

Costa Rica?

Agad akong nanlumo. "Costa Rica..."Ulit ko. "D-Did he tell you kong kelan sya uuwi?"

She shook her head. "We don't know."

Mas lalong bumagsak ang balikat ko. Napatingin nalang ako sa palad ko.

"M-Malayo ba ang Costa Rica?" Parang batang tanong ko. Alam kong nasa labas ng bansa ko I just don't know how long it would take to go there.

Wala akong passport.

Her eyes widened for a second. I lowered my head, feeling ashamed.

"H-have you traveled?" She asked again, her voice barely above a whisper.

Napailing ako. "I'm not allowed..."

I could see the pity in her eyes kaya agad akong umiwas ng tingin. Magsasalita pa sana sya when I pulled myself away.

"Thank you for telling me..."

I turned my back, ready to leave when I suddenly felt a heavy weight pressing behind me. A strong and muscular arms wrapped around my shoulders.

Nanlaki ang mata ko. "S-Sir?" Gulat kong saad.

"I'm sorry, h-hindi ko alam. All this time akala ko pinoprotektahan ko lang ang anak ko.

.." he said in a low voice. "What I thought was safety meant to protect him became the very reason why he had to endured so much pain.

I never wanted that. When I saw how you looked at him, I'm afraid that history would repeat itself and would ruin the two of you. " Bumitaw sya.

Hindi ako lumingon sa kanya. He patted my shoulder.

"I'm sorry ngayon alam ko na na nagkamali ako—kami. Please run to him, nasa likod nyo lang ako."

And just like that I waited for him. Umulan, umaraw nasa harapan ako ng airport, I wanted to wait for him just like how he waited for me back then.

"Snapped out of it!" Isang sampal ang nakuha ko mula kay Hyacinth.

"What the fuck Knox? Ilang araw ka ng ganyan wala ka bang ibang magawa kundi ang maghintay sa taong di mo naman alam kong kelan babalik!

Come one! Be fucking for real and fix yourself.

" Marahas nya akong niyugyog pero nakatulala pa rin ako sa malawak na harden dito sa paaralan---right where he used to sit.

Under the oak tree.

"Let me at least do this..." walang kabuhay-buhay kong saad. I fished out my phone and dialed his number again.

Napakagat na lang ako sa labi ko when it went to voicemail again.

Austine...I miss you so dearly my love.

She scoffed. "You're a mess dahil lang sa lalaking yun! Alam ko naman na matagal mo na syang gusto but please have some self-respect and move on. Take this as a sign na hindi talaga kayo ang para sa isa't-is---"

Agad ko syang sinamaan ng tingin kaya napatahimik sya. "Don't you fucking say that. I waited for almost 10 years for him. He's the only one I love at hindi ako papayag na hindi kami ang para sa isa't-isa. Kaya pa yang ipilit." Halos pasigaw na saad ko. Her eyes widened kaya napabuntong hininga ako.

"This is nothing compared to what he had gone through. Kaya kong maghintay kahit ilang taon pa yan, nakaya ko ngang maghintay ng sampung taon, this is nothing. I can endure this."

She chuckled. Finally giving up. "You don't know when to give up no?"

Mahina akong napatawa. " No..."

Umupo sya sa tabi ko and rested her head on my shoulder.

" What are your regrets?" She asked. Kinuha nya ang kamay ko at pinaglaruan. " You've been my friend for who knows how long, so I just wanted to know your regrets in life."

"My regrets?" A faint subtle smile dances on my lips. I lower my head feeling utterly devastated by her question.

She nodded. "Think about it gago ka kasi kaya siguradong may regret ka sa buhay," she chuckled. Napangiti ako, totoo.

I looked upon the dark vast sky. In the quiet moment of my reverie, I had wished for him to appear right in front of me and embrace me once again.

I heave a sigh, "Probably, the chances that I didn't take...that I let him slipped through my embrace, hawak ko na eh kaso pinakawalan ko pa."

The word itself left a bitter taste in my mouth making it harder for me to swallow the lump in my throat. So heavy that I thought it would destroy my throat.

Hindi na sya kumibo pa at sinamahan lang ako hanggang sa unti-unti ng nawawala ang liwanag sa langit.

I came back to our dorm every night and our dorm despite having everthing feels empty. It used to be so warm and lovely, but without him I feel nothing but this deep emptiness that's been swallowing me from inside.

"Austine..."

I'm always for the things that will remind me of him dahil natatakot ako na makalimutan sya.

Days had passed without him and I'm already missing his voice and touch.

"Please come back..." I sobbed as I hugged his pillows.

Sa kwarto nya ako namamalagi, finding pieces of him to comfort my aching soul. His bed still smells like him. And I sometimes I found myself tearing up because I missed him so much. Ilang araw pa lang na wala sya and it slowly kills me.

Nangako ako sa sarili ko na pag bumalik sya luluhod ako sa harap nya, sasabihin ko lahat-lahat ng gusto nyang malaman. I won't hide anything from him again.

That beautiful eyes all I ever wanted and I can't let him slip in my grasped again.

So, when he returned on a rainy day, nawalan na ako ng paki sa mga taong nakapalibot sa amin.

When I saw his face again, I broke down in tears. God, how I miss his gaze, touch, voice...everything about him. I'm cold. Pale. Desperate. My heart is craving for his touch again.

God, he is beautiful, so much so that my heart ache.

"No..."

It broke me how he distant himself from me, but I smiled. I'm ready to accept whatever he says to me.

Kahit gaano ka sakit ang mga salitang lalabas sa bibig nya tatanggapin ko. Kakayanin ko. Sapakin nya ako at lahat-lahat na but God, the excruciating pain that pierce through my chest was unbearable when he turned his back on me...ready to walk away, again.

I knelt. Cried my heart out. Begged him to hear me out just once.

I've never been so desperate with all my life. When mom chooses to ignore me, I didn't even beg. I wasn't desperate for their touch because I had been grown accustomed to their absence. When my father declared he only loved one person, I didn't work that hard to gain his favor.

I wasn't desperate because I choose not to. But this time...I'm in desperate needs for his touch, his warmth, his lips against mine and his eyes on me.

"I tried..." I whispered.

Habang nagsasalita ako, his eyes burned my skin, my body and my soul.

"No way..." I heard him murmured ng sinabi ko ang nakaraan ng mga magulang namin.

I kept telling myself that admiring him from afar was more than enough, but fuck! no, it's not enough.

He didn't climb my walls because there are no walls to even begin with. He destroyed it the moment he laid his eyes on me. It had been long shattered because of him.

We both got hurt by the people who should protect us. Parehas kaming hindi nakaranas ng pagmamahal sa mga taong kasama namin sa iisang bubong and with that we craved for the love that we thought was exclusive.

The things that happened to us didn't stop us from choosing each other over and over again, it only makes our love stronger and steadier. We love loud, we let people know that we belonged to each other, that I'm his.

Our story might be the most devastating love story, but we didn't walk away from each other simply because we are hurt. Hinanap namin ang daan patungo sa kong saan ba talaga kami nararapat---kong saan ba dapat kaming magtapos at yun ay sa piling ng bawat isa.

God hears my prayers; he gave me the most wonderful and beautiful gift and that was Austine. My beloved. My world and my everything.

He never saw my scars on my back, yet he knows it was there. Healed, yet carried a painful memory of what was once.

After so many years of wanting, of yearning, we finally choose each other. So loud, even the voices that held us captive quiet down.

"I will be forever your slave baby," bulong ko sa hangin.

Time has passed and we are healed. We built something for the both of us. A roof for the four of us to live in and a family we can finally call our own.

"Tinatawa mo dyan?" I snapped back from reality when I heard his voice.

Agad akong napangiti ng makita syang kakalabas lang galing sa banyo.

"Baby...." I opened my arms. Napailing sya habang nangingiti. He hopped on the bed and hugged my waist. "I was just thinking about the past. How we run back to each other after so many hurtful events. Thank you for choosing me... us." Hinalikan ko ang tuktok ng kanyang ulo.

He looked up, his eyes tender and full of happiness. Wala na yung matang nagtatanong kong sapat ba sya or may nagawa syang mali. Those eyes who bore so much pain are no more.

I leaned in and kissed his lips. Napangiti sya. "Lakas ng loob mo ah, begging my dad that time," he chuckled.

Kumimbot ang labi ko, wanting to say something but choose not to, Instead I said. "Thank god hindi ako nakatanggap ng sapak o sampal."

Napatawa sya dahil sa sinabi ko. "Hey, don't joke like that. It's all in the past, ang importante nandito kana... nandito na tayo." He softly uttered.

He met my eyes, agad na nanlabo ang mata ko. Dear god, I'm willing to trade my life just to have what we had forever.

Mas hinigpitan ko ang pagkakayakap sa kanya. Kahit kaylan man, hinding-hindi ako bibitaw. Hanggat may buhay ako, ipaglalaban ko kong ano man ang meron sa aming dalawa because we suffered a lot just to hold each other like this.

Hindi naging madali ang laban naming dalawa, ilang beses kaming lumuha, ilang beses din kaming nabasag-but neither of us give up. We choose to believe the connection that tangled us, that despite the differences we are meant for each other.

We are perfectly fit in each other's arms. Soft, gentle, the kind of embrace that makes you feel like... home.

"Magbihis kana, baka hinihintay na nila tayo sa baba." Aya ko. He groaned and buried his face on my chest. "Come on, nasa baba na silang lahat." I whispered.

He tsked at tumayo na kaya napatawa ako dahil nakabusangot sya. "Pauwiin mo na sila, nakakainis. May kanya-kanya na tayong bahay tas nakikikain pa sila sa'atin?" Reklamo nito habang nagbibihis.

Funny how time walk past us, carrying the guilt, hurt, and the past that made our love even stronger. A pillar no one can ever take down.

We are no longer college students, it's been 4 years and here we are, continues to grow and strive. We are no longer the kids who's too afraid to be honest, to take risk and to choose each other.

We've changed, and the time itself is the sole testament.

"Ang ganda mo..." saad ko. Inirapan nya ako kaya napatawa ulit ako.

"Bumaba kana don."

I shook my head at mas piniling bumaba nalang, baka mas matagalan pa kami baka sakali.

When I reached the sala, a loud and lively living room welcomed me.

"Kuya Rayne! the star is supposed to be on top not here!" Inis na saway ni Elise kay Rayne ng isabit ni Rayne and star sa ibaba.

"I'm so sorry Princess, akala ko kasi yung bilog don ang nasa taas," paumanhin nito at napakamot sa kanyang ulo.

Elise deadpan him. "Seriously? Step aside kuya, no have no style." Napatawa si Rayne at napailing.

"God, That was harsh."

Nandito silang lahat.

"Nanay Janice! nasunog ni Sloane ang sinaing!" Sigaw ni Abigail mula sa kusina. "Tabi nga dyan! napaka bida-bida mo naman yan tuloy puro tutong!"

"What did I do wrong?! I just did what you told me! you insisted on cooking the rice on the gas stove!" Boses ni Sloane.

"Tanga! Sabi ko hinaan mo yung apoy!"

" Hininaan ko naman!"

"Yung apoy sa sauce ng spaghetti yung hininaan mo! Bilaysi, bulag ka?!"

Marahang napatawa si Nanay Janice at tumayo para puntahan ang dalawa sa kusina.

Punong-puno ang sala ng bisita. Nandito silang lahat except kay Hyacinth na na traffic sa edsa. Preston and Rafael are arranging the tables, panay ang sulyap ni Rafael kay Preston, nag-away kasi sila kanina kong ano ba dapat ang mantel na gagamitin para mamaya.

"Hey! Babe! Come on, talk to me." Boses ni Rafael. Rinig ko ang halakhak ni Rayne sa di kalayuan.

Nagtagpo ang mata namin ni Zyran kaya napangiti ako.

Lumapit ako sa kanya at tinulongan syang magbalot ng mga regalo.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"Congratulations on your wedding," bati ko.

Napangiti sya. "Ano ka ba, matagal pa yun. Sa March pa." Malumanay nyang saad.

Napailing nalang ako. "Bagal ni pareng Rayne ah."

Rayne and Zyran recently just got engaged. Nagulat nalang kami ng biglang lumuhod si Rayne sa gitna ng mall. Remembering that day never failed to make me chuckled. Halos tumalon na ang mata ni Zyran dahil sa sobrang gulat.

Napangiti sya. "Lumayo ka sa akin, baka maging dahilan pa ako ng away nyo." Biro nito na syang ikinatawa ko.

Si Austine din ang nagsabi sa kanila na si Zyran ang dahilan kong bakit nag pa Costa Rica sya. He misunderstood that day. Instead of talking to me he hopped on the airplane and turned off his phone. Napapangiti na lang ako sa tuwing naaalala ko.

Bumaba na si Mahal kaya dali-dali akong tumakbo sa kanya.

"I miss you," niyakap ko ang kanyang beywang sabay nguso.

Natawa sya at hinampas ang likod ko. "Get off, ang corny mo." Aniya. Napairap ako, wow naman.

"Ganyan mo ba tratohin ang mapapangasawa mo?"

Napataas ang kilay nya. "Wala akong singsing, bat parang sure ka na ikaw ang papakasalan ko." Bahagyang nagtagpo ang kilay ko dahil sa kanya.

"Hey! don't say that!" nagtatampong singhal ko na syang tinawanan nya lang. Napakasama talaga ng ugali!

I reached for his ring finger and caressed it. "Hindi ako papayag na hindi ako ang mapapangasawa mo. Maghahanap ka ng iba? sige ka iiyak ako..."

"Yan nanaman sila!" Napabaling ang tingin namin sa taong kakadating lang. Hyacinth entered while carrying three boxes of Pizza.

Napangiti ako. Hyacinth. Nagkasamaan kami ng loob nyan nong nalaman nyang kami na ni Austine. Akala ko dati she will never talked to me again but a week later she came to me crying saying na inagaw ko daw yung crush nya. '

Old memories are making me sentimental.

"I'm glad you came," salubong ko sa kanya at kinuha ang box na bitbit nya.

Inirapan nya ako and walked past me papunta kay Austine. "Please it's not too late to break up with him. Hindi ko alam kong ano ang nagustohan mo sa stalker na yan eh." Saad nito kay Austine at kumapit sa braso nito.

Napanguso ako. "Lumayo ka ngang tomboy ka sa baby ko." Hinila ko sya.

"Wow bakla."

Napasinghap ako. "Racist!" I exclaimed while pointing at her.

"Tanga! Anong racist ka dyan! Nagkabf ka lang naging bobo kana!" Singhal nito na ikinatawa ng iba.

"Ate Hyacinth, can you please help us with our dress? It's almost midnight na!" Tawag ni Kaycee.

Agad na napalingon sakanila si Hyacinth. Her face lit up at dali-daling pumahayo sa pwesto nila Kaycee.

Kaycee and Elise winked at me, napataas ang kilay ko. Wow these kids. I mouthed thank you, they giggled and dragged Hyacinth back to their room.

"You're not gonna asked me for some fashion advice?" Sigaw ni Abigail mula sa kusina.

"Nah! You have terrible style," Si Elise.

Napahalakhak kaming lahat .

Nilibot ko ang mata ko sa sala namin. May malaking christmas tree sa gitna na puno ng mga regalo sa ilalim. A soft smile tugged at the corner of my lips. Kinawit ko ang beywang ni Austine at binaon ang mukha ko sa leeg nya.

"I'm so happy..."

He patted my back and kissed my temple. "So do I."

Mamaya pa dadating sina Memere, and hopefully kasama ang mga parents namin. We never forgot what they've done pero nakikita ko namang unti-unti silang bumabawi sa amin.

I hadn't seen my father for so many years. I'm afraid I've already forgotten how he looked like. Hindi na ako galit sa kanya, sadyang hindi ko lang alam kong mapapatawad ko sya. Afterall it's easy to forget but it's not easy to forgive.

Midnight arrived shortly. Dumating na rin sina Memere kaya mas lalong umingay ang buong bahay namin.

"Rafael! Hindi kana uhogin aba naman!" Boses agad ni Paps ang bumungad. Napatampal nalang sa noo si Rafael. "Naalala ko dati umiihi kapa sa banig nyo. Ilang taon kana nga don? Ah 12 years old?"

Napatawa ang lahat habang unti-unting namumula si Rafael. Lamang na lamang ang tawa ni Preston kaya sinamaan sya ng tingin ni Rafael. Umiwas sya ng tingin habang pinipigilan ang kanyang tawa.

"That's not true tito! Gawa-gawa ka!" Pagtangol nito sa sarili.

Inakayan sya ni Paps. "Brief yung regalo ko sayo baka kasi umiihi ka pa rin sa banig."

"Ay shit!" Singhal ni Preston habang hawak-hawak ang kanyang tyan kakatawa.

"Ew bro..." Segunda ni Rayne at niyakap si Zyran. Napatingin si Paps sa kanya kaya alam naming sya naman ang babarahin nito.

"Rayne! balita kamuntikan ka ng maging stepfather." Isang masamang tingin agad ang dumapo kay Rayne. Zyran glared at him, umatras sya at initaas ang kanyang kamay.

"Tama nga si Rafael mahal, gawa-gawa to si Tito," he chuckled nervously.

"Stepfather pala ha, wag kang tatabi sa akin mamaya!"

Napuno kami ng tawanan but deep down I'm grieving. I know I expected for them to not come but them not actually showing up stings a bit. I still have hope...always.

I saw how Austine hugged his father and stepmother, napangiti ako. It finally worked out. Austine's dad caught my eyes, he motioned for me to come kaya pumunta ako sa kanila.

"Anak, merry christmas," bati nito. My body stiffened, my eyes burning He called me anak. Napangiti ako. He opened his arms kaya agad ko syang niyakap. "Nandon na yung gift ko sayo sa ilalim ng Christmas tree.

"Merry Christmas Dad, sana hindi brief yung regalo mo," biro ko kahit na parang naiiyak na ako.

It's my first time that someone called me anak, and the best part ay galing sa tatay ng taong mahal ko.

He patted my shoulder. "Don't worry hindi yun brief, medyas kasi yun."

Mahina akong napatawa at mas lalong hinigpitan ang pagkakayakap ko sa kanya.

"Sali kami!" Si Tita at yumakap sila sa amin.

This is timeless, I've received the love that I've been craving for since I was 8, hindi ko man ramdam ang pagmamahal ng mga magulang ko, ok lang. Dahil ang pagmamahal na natatanggap ko sa mga taong nakapaligid sa'akin ay mas higit pa sa inaakala ko.

"Jusmeyo kang matanda ka! Bat lingerie tong regalo mo?!" Boses ni Memere kaya mas lalo kaming natawa.

Nagtagpo ang mata namin ni Austine. He smiled at me, soft and gentle.

"I love you." He mouthed.

Napangiti ako. "I yearn for you."

We exchanged gifts. Sobrang saya ng araw na to na para bang ayaw ko ng matapos to. Our laughter healed the broken pieces in souls, they fixed it, without them ever knowing that it was broken. Napaupo kaming lahat sa sala with our matching pajamas.

Patalon-talon sina Kaycee at Elise dahil sa mga regalong natanggap nila. Napangiti kami.

"Puta hindi nga brief pero paracetamol! Walang hiya!!! akala ko kong ano na kasi ang laki ng box tas isang karton lang pala ng Paracetmol! Tas yung kay Preston branded na damit!" Halos naiiyak na singhal ni Rafael ng buksan nya ang regalo na galing kay Paps.

Napuno nanaman ng tawanan ang sala. "Mas maganda pa yung regalo ni Nanay Janice sa'akin eh!"

"Hoy! Mahal kaya yan! Pasalamat ka at may regalo ka mula sakin!" Segunda nito.

"Ok na yang sayo Raf, akin kasi pang diarrhea." Si Rayne. "Tas yung kay Zyran yung mamahalin na skincare, wow may favoritism." Reklamo nito. Umaasim ang mukha nya habang pinagmamasdan si Zyran na masayang kinukuha sa box ang regalo nito.

"Mga reklamador." Umirap sya.

"Teka! T-shirt ko to ah!" Si Sloane

"Naiwan mo sa bahay kaya binalot ko na lang."

At don na sila nagkagulo. Puro kami tawa kaya dumating kami sa punto na halos sabay-sabay kaming napapahawak sa mga sikmura namin.

Napailing nalang ako. Dumako ang mata ko kay Austine, kandong nya sina Kaycee at Elise. Kinindatan ako ng dalawa kaya napatango ako. Umalis sila sa kandongan ni Austine.

Nagtataka nyang sinundan ng tingin ang dalawa. Napangiti ako. Bago pa man ako makatayo my phone buzzes.

My breath caught in my throat it's a message from my father.

Merry Christmas son...I know na hindi ako naging mabuting ama sayo at pinagsisihan ko ang mga araw na naging masama ako sayo and I will not justify my actions with a reason na nasaktan lang din ako.

Alam kong kasalanan ko, hanggang ngayon I've been thinking about what would happen if minahal kita?

I'm so sorry. I'm with your mom; we are trying to make things work between us and be better so that we can raise Kaycee well.

I deeply regretted hurting you so much that I couldn't even show myself to you.

I'm working to be a better father for the both of you, so until then.

Napatingala ako para pigilan ang luhang gustong kumawala sa mata ko, napangiti ako, until then. I turned off my phone at tumayo. I walked towards Austine. Hawak-hawak nya na ang paper bag na binigay nila Kaycee at Elise.

Lahat ng mata nila ay nakasunod sa akin kaya mas akong kinabahan.

"What's this?" He laughed while looking at me.

I crouched down. "Open it."

Tinaasan nya ako ng kilay. "Pag talaga walang kwenta to, tabi kayo mamaya ni Rayne matutulog." Banta nito. He squinted.

I chuckled and caressed his cheeks. "Trust me." I whispered.

He slowly opened the paper bag, nagkasalubong ang kilay nya at isa-isang nilabas ang mga papel na nilagay ko. Sinamaan nya ako ng tingin, I tilted my head and smiled.

When he pulled out all the shredded paper, a small, red box lay beneath. His eyes widen in shock. Nilabas nya ang kahon at hindi makapaniwalang minata ako.

"Omg! A ringggg!!!" Si Elise at Kaycee.

They gasped at kanya kanyang reaksyon ang meron sila.

"Hot damn!"

I knelt in front of him at kinuha ang box mula sa kamay nya. His eyes watered. Kaycee and Elise squeal habang tahimik naman na nanonood ang iba saamin habang nakangiti.

"As you all know I've been in love with Austine before I even knew what love really meant.

.." I held his hand. "Austine, my beloved, I'm not perfect, I have so many flaws that it scares me that my flaws would be the reason for you so ran away again.

So, day by day I changed myself to be better. ..for the both of us so..."

I held my breath. He became blurry, agad ko namang pinunasan ang luha ko at nginitian sya. He held my hand and smiled.

His smile, a golden ache that has lived in me since the day our eyes first met-and refused to let go through all the years that followed.

"Pleas...Marry me."

Tuloyan na syang napaiyak at niyakap ako.

"Yes...Fuck yes!" Bulong nito sa akin kaya nagsimula na ring tumulo ang mga luha ko.

I hugged so tight and buried my face in his neck. "Fuck, I love you so much." Hikbi ko.

"I love you too, mahal." He's voice cracked.

"Yung singsing." Natatawa kong saad kaya bumitaw sya saakin.

He held out his hand. Nagtagpo ang mata namin, I massaged his ring finger and slowly slipped the ring.

Before I could even react, he pulled my collar and kissed me on the lips. A cheer erupted from our people.

"Double wedding ba toooo?!!" Boses ni Abigail.

"Triple wedding sana kong papakasalan mo ako," Si Sloane.

"I'd rather die."

Pumunta sina Memere at Paps saamin at niyakap kami.

"Dapat pala condom yung niregalo ko sainyo," Bulong ni Paps na syang ikinatawa namin.

Hinampas sya ni Memere. "Yung bunganga mo talaga!" Singhal nito at sinamaan sya ng tingin pero agad din syang ngumiti saamin. Hinawakan nya ang pisnge namin. "I'm so proud...I'll handle the wedding preparation so rest assured it will be grand. This is my grandson's wedding kaya dapat bongga."

"Tas tayong dalawa yung maghohoneymo--- Aray!" His words got cut off when Memere pulled his ear and dragged him away.

"I love you both!"

Parehas kaming napangiti.

"Well, that was nice..."

"Dad!" Austine ran to him and hugged him. Aunt Keanna walked towards me and hugged me also.

"You did great...welcome to the family."

My heart pounded with excitement and with the newfound happiness. We were surrounded by congratulations and praises for our bravery.

"Message your father..." Si Austine. Ngumiti ako sa kanya at tumango.

I fished out my phone and typed a message for my dad.

'Hi, I'm engaged and I'm getting married to the person I love the most. Dad...please come. I will be waiting for you...always.'

I thought that this isn't the type of life I want...well not yet... But when he ran back to me it became crystal clear that all this time this is the life I wanted...This is my type of living. With him, them, and the future ahead of us.

Tender and Serene, the kind of love that lingered like a whispered vow. Timeless, Patient, and endlessly warm, promising a forever that neither time nor distance could ever dim.

The end