Chapter 9
ETHAN
I didn’t know where I mustered the courage to kiss him from, but when he said he wanted to go out on a date, just the two of us, I went for it.
It wasn’t a deep kiss. Heck, I’d kissed friends more intimately back in my college days. But still, it was a huge step for me. I could only cross my fingers and hope it was in the right direction.
We stood there watching each other as the kiss lingered between us. Neither of us moved as my heart pounded in my chest. My breath was still uneven, but I was doing this. I was taking that next step, and I didn’t feel any guilt about it.
There was no shadow cast over our moment, and I didn’t feel like I was betraying Rand. That was surprising and…new.
Over the past month of working with Kyle, I’d grown so much.
I no longer stayed hidden away at home. It wasn’t just dealing with things for the shop, although that was the big catalyst, but I’d run out to get us lunch a couple times and even reached out to a few of my friends.
I was in a much healthier place now and really hoped it was healthy enough for whatever we were about to start.
Because now that I’d had a taste of Kyle, I wanted more.
I wanted it all.
Kyle took a small step forward, and I nodded. I was okay with what happened. Better than okay. I might not have been able to form words, but I didn’t need them. His hand snaked around my head, pulling me in for another kiss.
Only this one was different. It lingered.
His lips moved carefully, as if he wanted me to know that I could step away at any time. I loved that about him. He gave me room to change my mind without making things awkward with a conversation that maybe neither of us were ready for.
I didn’t want to change my mind. I didn’t want to be careful. I wanted more, so I grabbed his shirt to make sure he didn’t leave.
His body froze for a second, but then he deepened the kiss. It was still gentle, without any hesitation or questioning. He wanted this as much as I did. The world fell away, and it was just Kyle and me, kissing with our bodies close. He licked the seam of my lips, and I opened to him.
Time passed, I didn’t know how much. I was lost in him.
Then he pulled back and leaned his forehead against mine.
He was breathing hard, and my breath matched his.
For a second, I thought he was gonna kiss me again, or maybe I wanted him to kiss me again and was projecting.
But instead, he took a step back with his hands no longer on me and smiled.
“Maybe…maybe we should get back to work.”
I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong.
I just stared at him, blanking on what was happening.
He kissed me like that and then wanted to work?
Disappointment filled me, and my stomach sank.
Maybe the kiss was bad. Maybe he reacted in the moment, but once he thought it through, he no longer wanted this.
I didn’t love that idea, but I respected it.
As long as he didn’t walk away forever, I’d take whatever he was offering.
I told myself that going back to work was the smart thing to do and found something to keep myself busy despite wanting to be in his embrace, urging him to kiss me again and again.
We weren’t just friends working on a project. We had been, but now I wasn’t so sure. Only time would tell if I ruined it.
Our lunch plans were apparently forgotten. That was fine. There was plenty to do.
I went back to the tasks at hand, and as the rest of the day passed by, I realized how much I overthought the kiss. I’d been disappointed, worrying that he rejected me, but I worried for nothing.
Whenever I’d catch his eye, he’d smile brightly. And when I walked past him, his hand settled low on my back, guiding me. He was watching me like he was interested, so I wasn’t sure what had happened, but it wasn’t rejection.
It was unusual for him to forget about meals. He was super Daddy like that. I chose to believe it was because he was so busy thinking about our lips pressed together and his hand on my head with our bodies close.
Near the end of the day, I went to grab the mail, and on the way, I caught sight of Rand’s note.
I walked over and put my hands on it, tracing the letters.
It’s almost ready, Rand. We’re doing this, and you’ll be glad to know that I’m finally moving forward and not hiding away anymore.
I miss you, but I know you’d like Kyle. He’s really good at taking care of me, and he never asks for anything in return. I miss you.
I didn’t know how this thing with Kyle was gonna work out, but the fact that I took the first step out of my shell was huge. And did I want the next one to be with Kyle, and the next one after that? Absolutely. But the fact that I took any steps at all…that was enough.
Rand would be proud of me.
When I came back in with the mail, I found Kyle picking up the scraps of baseboards. The project was finally done. I had no idea how tedious it would be when I asked him to do it. I felt bad about that.
“So, about before…” I didn’t want to leave it dangling there so long it became impossible to talk about.
“Oh crap, we didn’t eat.”
That hadn’t been what I was talking about, but it was perfect because it gave us the excuse we needed to close up for the day.
We walked down the street to my favorite Chinese restaurant, where we ate far too much food and the conversation flowed freely. It was sweet, but we didn’t discuss the kiss. It felt too private to bring up there. Also, I was scared that it wouldn’t go well. The not-knowing was going to kill me.
It wasn’t until he walked me back to my place that I saw another opening.
“Thanks for dinner,” he said.
“Yes, so…before I go up, can I ask you something?”
“You can always ask me something.”
“When I…when I kissed you, was that okay?” I slammed my eyes shut. I’d done it. I’d asked the question whose answer would change everything, good or bad.
He cupped my cheek, his thumb stroking along my cheekbone, and he didn’t speak until I opened my eyes and met his. “It was better than okay, and I hope to do it again and again and again.”
“Oh.” That had not been the answer I’d been expecting.
“I should’ve said so at the time. I didn’t want to push.”
“Trust me, you’re not. Could you kiss me again?”
He did, and this time it was somewhere between the first two—not too brief, but also not where we were both left breathless.
“Perfect.” He kissed my forehead. “Go on up. You worked hard today.”
I did, and he walked away.
Just like before, he wasn’t pushing. He was giving me the time to think about it and decide.
I went upstairs, showered, threw on my favorite pajamas, and poured myself a bottle of the pumped milk he brought me.
Then I found my favorite cartoons and downed it while watching the fairy who always made mistakes get into another kerfuffle.
The only thing that would make the day better was if he was here and I was having the bottle of milk from him, or better yet, drinking directly from the source.
Would he let me? Was that something he allowed anyone to do, or was he a pump-only kinda guy. He’d made a comment about drinking direct from the source, but it was hypothetical in nature.
Should I even ask, or should I wait for him to offer, or was it way too soon to be considering any of that?