Chapter 5
‘What’s this?’ asked Jay, turning his head so fast she feared he might need a chiropractor. He readjusted the ice pack on his groin, gasped and returned it to where it was.
‘I’ve never heard of it,’ said Jay, fine-tuning his stance but still looking uncomfortable.
‘Love and life aren’t really like that, though. You can’t just apply a theory that was created for businesses to something like this. Can you?’
‘It’s been statistically proven that the rule works, although I don’t think it’s been applied to relationships before.
If it works with other decisions then it has to be a viable option.
Who am I to argue with numbers?’ The more she thought about it, the more Nora liked it.
It was logical and it would prove things one way or the other.
Either she had overlooked The One or it wasn’t meant to be and she needed to draw a line under her searching and simply enjoy life as she was.
And it was a great life, so she was fine with that.
In fact, it would be quite a relief to stop searching, so whatever the outcome she was on to a winner.
‘Sounds hellishly complicated to me,’ said Trent, jumping the last few feet to the ground. It gave Nora a bit of a start as she’d forgotten he was climbing only a few feet above them and must have been listening to every word.
‘It’s not,’ said Nora.
‘What would be simpler would be a date with me?’ There was that toothpaste smile again.
‘Um … thanks,’ she said. ‘I’m sure you are simpler but I’ll stick with the numbers for now, if that’s OK with you?’
He gave her a wink and tipped his head at the women who had been at reception and were now walking past. ‘Ladies,’ he said. Once they were out of sight he wriggled out of his harness. ‘I’ll be back. See you later.’ He jogged to catch up with the women.
‘See, Trent doesn’t use a business rule to find a partner,’ said Jay.
‘I don’t think Trent is looking for a partner,’ said Nora. ‘Sex alone does not a relationship make.’
‘So wise,’ said Jay with a wince.
Nora decided to belay for the person Trent had abandoned as Jay looked like he was out of action for a while. When she took a break, Jay was on his mobile, clearly looking up the validity of the rule.
‘This can’t be right,’ he said. ‘The internet says that the average man – i.e. me – has six serious relationships in his lifetime. And 37 per cent of six is two point something. That means my third serious relationship was the one I should be with. Right?’
‘Using averages might lessen the accuracy. Maybe think about how many partners you think you could have in a lifetime,’ said Nora. ‘Trent’s probably looking at one every six months so his total number will be well over a hundred.’
Jay blinked a few times. ‘OK, I think my number will be somewhat lower. So far I’ve been out with … And potentially there could be …’ He looked to the ceiling and mouthed out numbers as he tried to do the maths. ‘Actually I don’t think I’ve cleared 37 per cent yet,’ he said brightly.
‘According to the numbers,’ said Nora, ‘for me, it’s serious boyfriend number six I need to focus on but I’m going to check out everyone I’ve dated from boyfriend number four onwards to ensure I’ve covered all bases. Are you going to be OK to belay for me?’ She nodded at Jay’s ice pack.
‘Sure. No problem,’ he said, waddling from the bench to put the ice pack in the bin before kitting up.
When he was ready, Nora chose a starting hold and climbed on to the wall. ‘I need to do a bit more research on my ex-partners first. That’s code for stalking on social media. Mainly to check they’re still single, and then I’ll call them up.’
‘Out of the blue?’
‘Yeah. What’s wrong with that?’ she asked.
‘Let’s pretend I’m boyfriend number four.’ Nora gave him a look. ‘I know I’m way out of your league but pretend,’ he said with a grin and she stuck her tongue out at him.
‘Hiya, Salvador, it’s Nora—’
‘Salvador?’ Jay chuckled. Nora glared at him. ‘Sorry, unusual name. I didn’t mean to judge. Carry on.’
‘Hiya, Salvador, it’s Nora. I was wondering how you were and thought I’d give you a call.’
‘Oh crap, have I got a kid I don’t know about? Or a rare sexually transmitted disease? Brrrr. That’s Salvador hanging up,’ he said, keeping tight hold on the rope but moving back slightly to be out of swiping distance.
‘He won’t think that. Will he?’ she asked, but Jay was already nodding furiously at her. Maybe this needed a tad more thinking through.
Nora got in from climbing to find her parents were no longer there, the goulash was in the fridge and there was a bag of doughnuts on the counter with a note in her mother’s handwriting that just said ‘Eat’ followed by a row of kisses.
She heated up some of the goulash and sat down with a fork and her laptop.
Once she’d cleared away she retreated to the living room and took Oliver out of his glass terrarium and he slowly made his way up her arm to her shoulder.
Nora flipped open her laptop. She created a new spreadsheet and filled in basic details for the first three ex-boyfriends she was going to track down.
She had taken on board what Jay had said, and as she didn’t want to freak anyone out, she decided a more sensitive approach was in order.
As she was a logical person, falling in love fascinated her.
There was simply no logic to it and yet it was happening all the time.
Like most people she didn’t believe love at first sight existed, which meant love was something that took a little time to develop, and herein lay the real issue.
How long should she stay with someone to see if it was going to become love?
And while she was waiting, was she missing an opportunity for another that could have been The One?
Looking back, she had been quick to call time on some of her relationships.
Basically it was all a gamble and mostly people didn’t even realize the odds they were dealing with.
Nora loved odds and probability. As a statistician it was basically what she did all day and she was immensely grateful that someone paid her for it.
Nora sipped her caffeine-free Diet Coke. She’d already had two coffees and while the odds of dying from too much caffeine were lower than even she could be bothered to work out, the chances of her struggling to go to sleep if she consumed more caffeine were much higher at 30 per cent.
She decided to have a bit more of a scroll on social media for ex-boyfriend number four, then she’d head off to bed. Her phone buzzed to let her know she had a message and she half glanced at it. It was from Jay.
Thought I should let you know that the swelling is going down in my groin so fingers crossed I’ll be able to climb next week.
Ugh. Jay’s groin was not something she’d been thinking about.
Thanks for letting me know. Take good care of the injury.
Thanks Nora that means a lot ??
Jay was a bit accident-prone and Nora wasn’t sure climbing was the safest sport for him, but he persevered and she admired that about him.
She returned her attention to her screen.
Ex-boyfriend Salvador. It appeared that she may have been part of his discarded 37 per cent because there on the screen was Salvador beaming back at her along with a stunningly beautiful woman and a super-cute baby.
Maybe she’d check the others out tomorrow, she thought, as she updated her spreadsheet.
*
On Saturday morning Dixie called Nora and asked her to be out the front of her house at eleven o’clock precisely.
Dixie liked to add a little drama to proceedings, otherwise life could be quite dull and she felt it was her mission to zhuzh it up.
Unfortunately she had vastly miscalculated her arrival time, so was disappointed to see that Nora wasn’t outside when she pulled on to the driveway at half past two.
Nora lived in a nice little side street full of robust semi-detached houses with family cars on the drive.
Nora always put hers in the garage because she said it was less likely to get stolen.
Dixie jumped out of the driver’s side and knocked rapidly on Nora’s front door. The door opened and Nora waved her inside.
‘No, you need to come out. Ta-dah!’ said Dixie, unable to contain her excitement any longer.
Nora peered past her and spotted the vehicle on her driveway. ‘Is this yours?’
‘Yes. I traded in my Mercedes and got this. It’s a genuine vintage VW campervan in Niagara blue and white. Well, it was white once and it will be again.’
‘Vintage. You said that was code for old and clapped out when it was Glenda’s van,’ pointed out Nora.
‘Ahh, but this is a campervan. That’s different. They’re a real classic. The garage even gave me some money too.’
‘I would hope they did,’ said Nora, coming outside to inspect it. ‘It must be at least fifty years old.’
‘It’s fifty-three and that means it doesn’t need road tax or an MOT!’ Dixie had been thrilled to discover her new pride and joy was exempt.
‘I doubt it would pass an MOT,’ said Nora, poking at a rusty patch on the wheel arch.
‘It’s completely roadworthy. The man assured me it was safe to drive.
And I have three months’ warranty on it.
It’s just a bit slower than I’m used to.
But at least I’ll have to learn to use a handbrake now, which will be a good skill to add to my CV.
Although it sticks out of the dashboard rather than the floor but maybe if it’s there I might remember to use it.
’ Dixie got back in the driver’s seat and attempted to start it again.
The poor old van did a lot of chugging but wouldn’t start.
Nora came to the driver’s window and scrunched up her face, the way she did when she was worrying about something.
With some effort Dixie cranked down the window. ‘How quaint is that?’
‘There’s a reason why things advance. Not only do they improve, it also makes them safer. Although if it won’t start, I guess that makes it very safe,’ said Nora, with a wry smile.
‘It’s OK. The man said it does this sometimes when it’s choked or something.’ It was possible Dixie hadn’t taken in all the details because the man had spoken fast and Dixie struggled to listen when she was excited.
‘It might need the choke. Is there a knob to pull out?’ asked Nora.
Dixie had a scan of the black plastic cab.
‘I don’t think so.’ She tried to start it again.
After a bit of chugging there was a loud bang, followed by a plume of black smoke out of the exhaust. It was working and Dixie was thrilled.
‘See, it’s fine. Look inside,’ she added, switching off the engine and almost sending Nora flying as she got out.
Dixie proudly pulled open the door on the side of the van to reveal the interior.
It was currently wall-to-wall beige vinyl with faded daisy-patterned curtains and a grubby orange carpet, but Dixie had plans.
She’d seen renovated interiors on the internet and they looked amazing.
She had no doubt she could do the same with this.
‘I’m going to redo the inside so it’s all swish, like that George Clarke programme where they have everything doubling up and surprise extra space everywhere. ’
Nora rolled her lips together. ‘I think it needs a lot of work but you have an eye for colour so I’m sure when it’s finished it will look great. I’m just wondering why you’ve swapped your car for this?’
Sometimes Dixie got ahead of herself and this was one of those times.
‘Sorry. I forgot the most important part.’ She waved her hands in lieu of a drumroll.
‘This is my angle!’ Dixie had spent a lot of time researching her options and the ones that appealed required an upfront investment and there was no way she was going to ask her parents for a handout.
When she’d found she could trade her current car for the van, it had seemed like the perfect solution.
She pointed at the vehicle. ‘I’m going to video myself doing up the campervan because people love renovation projects.
There’s a Victorian house one that’s had thousands of views. ’
‘Good idea. I think there’s months of work in this project so that’s a lot of Instagram content,’ said Nora.
Dixie looked inside the van. ‘I wasn’t thinking it would take that long but whatever.’
‘And then are you going to sell it for a profit?’ asked Nora.
‘The plan is to go travelling in it.’ She threw up her arms but Nora’s expression said she wasn’t feeling as enthusiastic.
‘When you say travelling …’
‘I mean anywhere and everywhere. To be honest, I haven’t got an itinerary, but how cool would it be to take it to Val d’Isère for the ski season?
I could catch up with Ma and Pa there too.
And then on to Paris for spring, where I could film all the gardens and cafés and then do the Greek islands in summer and—’
‘I hate to be a downer but you might want to do a course in mechanics before you go. A car of this age is 80 per cent more likely to need towing off the motorway than a newer one.’
‘But the salesman said vans like this were made to last. Actual people put them together, not robots,’ said Dixie, remembering how impressed she’d been with that fact. ‘She’s solid,’ she added, tapping on the front wing and sending rust flakes floating into the air.
‘She?’ questioned Nora.
‘Yes. I’m ignoring the fact that she’s blue because I hate the gender stereotype of blue for boys and pink for girls. Yuck. Down with the patriarchy. But I can’t ignore that her numberplate ends with the letters LC.’
Nora was doing that thing where she squinted like she was properly concentrating on something. ‘And what do the initials LC stand for? Lily Collins? Lewis Carroll?’
‘He was a man. But Lily Collins was a good call because I’m kind of doing an Emily in Paris but with a campervan and without the unfriendly people. But neither of those. It’s LC.’ Nora was still looking vexed. ‘Like the old-fashioned name Elsie.’
‘Oh OK. Now I get it. I think,’ said Nora, still looking a bit confused.
‘Nora, meet Elsie. Elsie, this is my good friend Nora.’ Nora smiled politely as Elsie’s exhaust emitted a delayed rumble and another cloud of smoke burst out.
‘Elsie says hello.’ That was what Dixie hoped it meant, and not a death rattle.