21. Chapter 21
21
S leeping over becomes part of our new normal, and it was way easier than I anticipated it would be. We don’t cuddle, or chit chat, or anything a couple would do. It’s still oddly comforting just to know she’s next to me on those nights.
My bed has never felt so empty during the rest of them.
I let as much slip one day, and she walked right through my front door and asked me which room was mine. We’ve never done anything at my place before, by pure habit or what, I’m not sure.
But it’s still true, because all she did was slide beneath my blanket and close her eyes.
It’s been a few days of going back and forth, and now we only sleep alone when my daughter’s home. I can’t let myself worry about the why, or what it means for us. I’m just letting myself enjoy it.
It helps a lot that she hasn’t played music a single night since. I don’t question that, worrying that bringing it up might remind her that she does still want to be torturing me.
We fooled around in her luxurious bed last night, and then she insisted that we sleep in my underwhelming one. I thought it was too late to bother, but she dragged me back over to my own apartment.
I’ve noticed she sleeps better in my bed. There’s a lot less tossing and turning. I wonder about all the reasons why that could be. The smells are different, the temperature is different, the feel is different. My room is messy and lived in, and hers is always clean and pristine.
I wonder which parent that trait came from. Not that I know which is which, the good or the bad. Pierre or the other.
I find myself wondering a lot. There are so many missing puzzle pieces to this woman, and I’m not even going to pretend I don’t want them all.
My phone buzzes next to me, jarring me awake rather suddenly. I could’ve lied here and thought my thoughts for hours, probably.
I groan when I read the too-bright screen.
“Shit. My parents are going to be here any second. You have to get up.”
Kara sits up quickly, but her eyes are barely able to open.
“What the fuck do you mean your parents are going to be here any second?”
I flash my phone screen at her, showing a text as evidence. Actually it’s four text messages and two missed calls. This was a bad time for me to be a heavy sleeper.
“Why?” she moans. I ignore that my first instinct is to crawl under the blankets and make her really moan.
“You have to go. Seriously.”
“Why can’t I hide in here until they’re gone?”
I laugh, loudly. It makes Kara jump.
“That’s not how my parents work. They’re nosy. They roam.” She still doesn’t move. “Come on!”
“Maybe it’s fine if they find me,” she says as her head slumps back against my headboard.
“I can’t believe those words just came out of you.” I shake my head. “But no. Please no. Please get up, and get out of my house.”
I lean over her just long enough to place a quick kiss on her nose. To soften the blow maybe, but I can’t help but feel like it’s a wrong move. I pull back quickly, expecting the worst from her response, but she barely seems to have registered it.
She’s still barely awake.
“You really know how to make a girl feel special.” She throws the blankets off of her body and finally starts to move. Without pants on. “I’m not putting pants on to walk two feet outside.”
“You could take off more clothing if that would get you moving quicker.”
I know she must really be exhausted when she doesn’t respond with anything dirty or sarcastic.
I see where her pants lay on the floor, and I watch her step over them as she exits my bedroom. I pick them up, figuring she’ll just be irritated later when she can’t find them because they’re mixed in with my laundry.
I’ve never actually seen her repeat an outfit, so maybe I’m assuming for no reason.
“Kara,” I call to her as she reaches my front door.
She faces me as she pulls it open, and I’m frozen.
“What? I thought I was supposed to be in a hurry.”
I slowly lift my hand to show her what I’m holding. Oblivious to everything else, she rolls her eyes.
“I’ll come back when I’ve sufficiently made up for all the hours of sleep you cost me last night.”
When she turns back around, she comes face to face with my smiling mother. My dad is standing a couple steps further behind, looking everywhere but at us. The paint on the walls, the tiles on the roof, the boards under his feet… everywhere .
Kara’s feet are stuck to the floor where she stands, and although I can’t see her face anymore, I know she’s mortified. I was trying to prevent this, but she just had to waste time arguing.
I place a hand on her shoulder.
“Do you want to go back to my room and put your pants on?” I whisper.
She doesn’t respond, doesn’t even nod. She turns and pushes past me, only grabbing said pants from my hands.
As soon as I hear my bedroom door shut, I groan.
“What are you guys doing here?”
“I messaged you, honey.”
“Was that supposed to be an explanation, because I couldn’t even tell. You should take a class on how to use emojis, because they don’t belong in the middle of words.”
She waves a hand, dismissing what I’ve said.
“Life’s too short. Who’s your friend?”
That’s a topic we’re not broaching today.
“You didn’t come here to talk about my friend. What’s up?”
Instead of answering, she walks inside. I smile at my dad as he follows behind her.
“How ya doin’, kiddo?”
“Great!” I tell him. “Only thing that would make me feel any better is knowing what this random visit is about! I have work in an hour.”
“You should’ve planned this better, honey. Maybe you’d benefit from one of those whiteboard calendars!” my mom exclaims.
She holds her hands up like a frame over a blank space on my wall.
“I didn’t plan anything, what are you talking about?”
“Well, you forgot to mention it so I can’t say I’m surprised.”
There’s a knock at my door. What the hell is going on?
“Oh, good! They’re not late. You should make it to work on time just fine.”
“Who are they ?” I yell, but she doesn’t answer.
Instead, she does what she does best and starts opening cabinets in my kitchen, inspecting my groceries. The amount of times I’ve had to listen to her scold me about not buying organic, non GMO products is getting to be insane. I’m never going to change, a normal mom would have given up by now.
The knock happens again, so I guess I’m answering the door.
I wish I hadn’t.
“Hi Reya!” An overly cheery Raquel greets me.
And next to her are Caleb and Dahlia.
I didn’t forget this. I would’ve remembered if I’d planned to have all of these people show up at my apartment. Especially two of these three. I would’ve needed time to prepare.
“What is going on right now?”
“Family meeting,” Caleb answers. That’s all he says before also deciding he’s going to just step past me and into my space.
I put a foot out to stop him.
“Mind explaining a few things to me? Like who’s responsible for this, and why you are included in a ‘family meeting?’ ”
My dad places a hand on my shoulder, startling me.
“Don’t be like that, sunshine. You kids might not have been able to work things out, but he’s still family.” My eyes bug out of my head. I’m ready to explain to him, and everyone else, that he’s my daughter's family. The rest of us don’t have to claim him. “Hi there, princess. Give grandpa a hug!”
Dahlia beams, running and jumping into his arms. I absentmindedly start playing with her hair, while my focus is still on the couple before me.
“I still have unanswered questions?” I say it as if the particular sentence is also a question. I’m trying to emphasize that I need someone to explain what’s going on.
I feel pretty confident that Caleb knows exactly what it is.
“We need to talk, so we’re all sitting down to talk,” he says.
“Dad, can you talk Dahlia to her room for a minute?”
“If you don’t have anything nice to say–”
“I’m being so serious, Dad. Please.”
I’m grateful when he only hesitates for a second before he starts to walk down the hallway. He might look a little upset, but that is the least of my concerns at the moment.
Only when I hear the familiar sound of my daughter’s bedroom door closing do I turn to face my ex-husband.
I immediately poke him in the chest.
“What did you do?” I whisper scream.
“We all need to sit down and talk about this, so I made it happen.”
“You made it happen by ambushing me in my own home? What the hell, Caleb? What did you tell them?”
He puts his hands up in mock surrender.
“I told them that we wanted to sit down and talk about some things.”
“‘We?’ As in, you and me?”
One singular nod.
“You lying little snake! You didn’t like my answer, so this is how you thought to change my mind?”
“Look, it wasn’t the nicest thing to do but–”
I point at Raquel, a lot more aggressively than I normally would, but this is partially her fault.
“With all due respect, stay out of this.”
Caleb puffs his chest out at that, and I roll my eyes. Men and their need to defend the women they think need defended. Although, Raquel does look like a wounded animal at my tone.
“Don’t talk to her like that. This concerns her, that’s why she’s here.”
“Where our daughter spends her time is not your girlfriend’s concern.”
My mom now steps behind me suddenly, and puts her hand on my shoulder.
Why is everyone treating me like I’m the problem?
I’m angry enough that my initial reaction is to pull away, but I realize quickly enough that I don’t want to be taking this anger out on anyone but Caleb.
He’s always been a big child, always stooped lower than I thought possible, but it’s been a long time. Long enough that I was fooled into believing it was possible for him to have changed.
Fuck that. He had no right to recruit my parents to gang up on me. I know exactly what it’s regarding to, and I don’t want my six-year old to leave the country. I think that’s pretty understandable.
“Okay, I see that I was misled here.” She gives him a pointed glance. “Why don’t you two wait out there, and let the two of us talk?”
He looks like he wants to argue, but Raquel places a hand on his arm. “Of course,” she says. “We’ll wait here, not a problem.”
I keep my eyes on the ground as they take a step back from the entryway, not trusting myself to look at his stupid, annoying face. I’m not typically violent, but I’m feeling that way right now.
When my mom spins me around by the shoulder, I hate that frustrated tears fill my eyes. I can’t hit anything, so I guess this is the best my body could do.
“Oh, honey.” She pulls me into a tight hug, and rubs soothing circles between my shoulder blades. “I’m sorry I jumped into this without questioning him. Your father and I just want to keep the peace between all of us. We don’t want Dahlia to deal with family that refuses to interact with each other.”
I pull away to look at her.
“I respect that, mom. I even appreciate it, but did he tell you why you’re here?”
“Because you’re being ‘ unreasonable ’—“ she uses air quotes for the word— “about some vacation they want to take her on?”
“To Canada! For an entire month.”
She nods, pondering.
“That is a lot,” she agrees.
“Too much for her age.”
She switches to shaking her head.
“I’m sorry, but I disagree with that part.”
I throw my hands up, miming my head exploding.
“How is that not too much? In what world? In what way? She can’t go more than few days without me, and he definitely–”
I’m interrupted by her finger in front of my lips.
“I think it’s you that can’t go a few days without her .”
“That’s true, too! So, what?” I shout.
She moves to sit down, keeping her cool. I don’t think she has another setting. Even when she’s driving me crazy and overstepping into my life, she’s always so calm about it.
“Your life got turned upside down when you found out you were pregnant. You suddenly lost all your free time, and full nights of sleep, and the ability to go and do whatever you want.”
I fall back onto my loveseat with a groan.
“You’re not saying anything I don’t know, but mom , I’m really happy. I don’t regret having her. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.”
“But you are,” she says bluntly.
I scoff.
“I’m not! We split custody, remember? Which means that three nights a week, I get to live it up. I see my friends, I binge watch all the inappropriate TV shows I want. I take bubble baths, and get the house cleaned. And I am so excited to see her when it's my turn again.”
“You also work most of the time.”
“I don’t think you understand how easy my job is.”
“Reya Renee, you’re being stubborn and missing my point.”
I look up at her with all the teenage, angsty attitude I can muster. I kind of hope she’s transported back to a time where she didn’t have her own house to run off to.
She gives me a pointed finger, transporting me back to a time when she didn’t have her own house to run off to. It’s really unfair.
“Everyone needs a break. Everyone. You think you don’t because you’ve been in survival mode. You’ve accepted what you got, and honestly I’m so proud of you for it, honey. You’re the strongest girl I know.” She drops her hand to hold mine, in that consoling way of hers. “But you deserve to have some time to yourself, time where you don’t have to be on alert. And I know that alertness doesn’t go away when she’s with her dad, but what bad thing has ever happened to her in his care?”
I don’t have an answer and she knows it.
“That doesn’t mean I want to wait around for the day something bad does happen!”
She shakes her head at me, looking as disappointed as only mothers can manage.
“You’ll always be waiting. No matter how much that man changes, even if he becomes the most capable father on the planet. Things happen. Accidents happen. She hurt herself the other day, didn’t she? Hit her head on her little play table?”
I nod, hating that she has a point.
“And it wasn’t your fault, was it?”
I shake my head.
“Okay, I get it,” I say before she can continue. “But what if an accident happens, his fault or not, and she’s all the way over there? And I’m here, and devastated, and dying to see her?”
“Then I’ll buy your plane ticket.” She reaches a hand out for me to shake, but I’m not done thinking this through.
“If I agree, she won’t be here for her birthday.” My voice cracks on the last word, making her pout.
“Do you honestly believe she cares if you throw her a party on the exact date? She’ll be just as thrilled to do it a couple weeks early or a couple weeks late.”
“I won’t be!”
I know how childish the three whined words sound. I can’t help myself.
“You’ll get over it. There are worse things to miss, and worse reasons to miss them.”
With that, she stands, flattening out any creases it caused her linen pants.
“Mom,” I whine again.
“You’ll get over it,” she repeats. “It’s an awesome opportunity for all of you. Every . Single . One of you. If this goes smoothly, your trust will build in him. I know how badly he has let you down, but it isn’t fair to assume he’s always going to. It doesn’t mean his girlfriend will either, she seems like a good woman who’s already helped him immensely. You’d know that if you could talk to them without letting your anger interfere.”
I hate the way her little speech gets under my skin and makes me feel guilty. She’s right, like usual. It’s annoying. I didn’t wake up this morning thinking I’d start questioning everything about myself this deeply.
I’m aware of my actions, I always have been. I just didn’t care about my actions towards him, thinking it was the least he deserved.
I rarely swallow my pride enough to admit that he has changed over the years, and I know how much he loves our daughter. I know he wants to take care of her, and I respect that the whole point in bringing her along is to introduce her to family she might not have the chance to meet otherwise.
I assume my mother sees something change in my expression, because she opens my front door and motions them inside. When the door is shut behind them, she goes to collect the other two parties we’re missing.
“We’re sorry we did it this way. I was desperate.”
I expected an apology to come from Raquel again, but I’m surprised when it’s Caleb’s voice that speaks the words.
“Desperate to take my daughter away from me?”
He sighs, and it’s a sad, defeated sound. I almost feel bad about the fact that he’ll have to deal with me for the rest of our lives.
“No, I’m not. You’re an amazing mom, and I’d never…” He doesn’t stop talking, but my ears stop hearing his words.
I’m too stuck on the fact that he complimented me. I didn’t realize he thought that, I kind of assumed we both thought similar things about each other. Everytime I said he wasn’t cut out to be a parent, I assumed he was saying the same of me.
I might really just be an asshole.
Dahlia comes running straight to me, and puts herself in my lap.
I kiss the top of her head, while everyone else silently watches us. The ball is in my court now that I know where they all stand.
“Have they been talking to you about this trip?”
She shakes her head. “Are we going on a trip?”
I look up to my mom, knowing her expression will help me to make this move in the right direction. I’m still not completely sold on this being the right direction, but… points have been made today.
“I guess that’s up to you, beautiful girl. Your dad and Raquel are going to get on a plane and go visit some family for a while. Would you want to go with them?”
“Where’s the plane going?”
“You know where Canada is, right?”
She shrugs, and I know that means she has no idea.
“It’s above us on a map,” I explain the best I can.
“What would we do in Canada?”
I look to Caleb to answer, and I don’t miss the hope in his eyes.
“Meet some people. Play some games. Go to some cool places, eat some good food,” he explains.
“Okay,” she answers easily. “I wanna go.”
“There’s just one thing,” he adds, sitting down on the couch next to us. “Your mom will stay here, so you won’t see her for a few weeks.”
“But I could call you every day. You could see my face on the phone,” I add, suddenly sounding like I’m truly on the team that wants to convince her to do this. If anything would be her dealbreaker, it would be the lack of me on her vacation.
“Why don’t you come, too? There’s room on a plane.”
I smile at her cuteness.
After a brief explanation that doesn’t allow her to stress about my financial situation, she’s decided she still wants to go. Unfortunately, regardless of what any of us say, she seems to think it’s happening tomorrow instead of months from now. She immediately runs to her room to start packing, and Caleb goes with it, following her in there and giving her ideas.
“Shit!” I say, quickly standing. “I have to get ready for work, and get my–” I point to my bedroom door, not wanting to finish the sentence.
“Oh, yeah!” My mother exclaims. “Why don’t you introduce us to your friend?”
I motion for her to stop talking, and not bring it up any further, but she’s clueless.
“Oh, come on. Bring her out. We won’t bite.”
I roll my eyes.
“Mom, no. I don’t need her to meet everyone that’s currently in my house. We can set up something for another time,” I lie. Kara would never.
Ignoring me, my mother pushes past me towards my bedroom door and knocks.
“Are you decent in there?” she calls out.
I run my hands down my face in disbelief. Raquel stands awkwardly by my front door, looking down at her phone. She’s obviously listening, but at least she’s being subtle about it.
“Mom!” I whisper harshly. “No!”
“Yes?” Kara’s voice comes from behind the door, sounding unsure.
And my mother takes that as her invitation to open the door.
I am horrified. It’s already been a crazy morning, and this does not need to be added to it. She should not have to meet my parents and my ex-husband right now. We’re not even together!
This is probably her worst nightmare. I cringe on her behalf.
My mother looks around my bedroom with a tisk before her eyes land on Kara.
“I can’t believe my daughter forced you away into such a pigsty! Reya, it’s a mess in here!”
I groan, pushing past her so I can pick up last night's underwear off the floor.
I continue to whisper, not wanting to draw any further attention into this room.
“Not that you need to know this, but the mess is partially her fault, mom. Can you go? Can we do this another time?” I plead, knowing it’s pointless. My mother doesn’t do a thing she doesn’t want to do.
“What's your name?”
Great, I’m being ignored completely. I go to close my door at least, but my dad chooses that moment to make an appearance.
“What’s going on in here?” he asks casually.
“Nothing! Please dad, help me out here.” I point to my mom. “This is not the time for this.”
He gives me a confused look, as if he has no clue why I wouldn’t want this to happen.
“Don’t be rude, introduce us.”
“We’re not—“
“I’m Kara,” she interrupts. “I live… right there.” She points in the general direction of her place.
I watch the realization hit the two of them at the same time. My poor mother’s face turns a bright red, and my dad is… still confused. This time I know it’s because he has no idea how she went from being that girl in the apartment next to me to being a girl in my bed.
“I don’t understand,” he says. “Do you have a roommate? A sister or something?”
“Nope. It’s just me.”
He laughs loudly.
“So you’re the reason we were having so many sleepovers with our girls? Now I imagine you’re the reason we haven’t seen them in a couple weeks.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s all probably true,” she mumbles.
“Okay, that’s enough. You met her, now you’ve got to go so I can get ready for work.”
I resort to actually ushering them out with hands on their backs, and they pretend they’re offended. Or maybe they’re actually offended, but I don’t have time to care.
“Reya Renee, what has gotten into you?” my mom asks.
I get them through the door and close it behind us before responding.
“I don’t need Caleb or Dahlia to know she’s staying the night,” I whisper. “We’re not there yet.”
“Are you trying to get there?” she asks.
I sigh, attempting to let all the defeat I’ve felt this entire morning seep out with it.
“I don’t think it’s on the table. We’re not serious or anything,” I explain. “Is that enough now? Can you see yourselves out so I’m not any later to work than I’m already going to be?”
That would be too easy. They take a while to chat with Caleb and Raquel, and they ignore all the signs I’m giving them. Saying it outright won’t work either, they’re determined to act like my time and space don’t matter.
After another twenty minutes, I finally fly through my room like a hurricane trying to get dressed and do my makeup. Kara laughs at me the whole time, finding every bit of it amusing. She heard our conversations, the little eavesdropper she is, but thankfully didn’t have too much to say on it. I’ve had enough outside input for the rest of the week.