Chapter 41
41
GEMMA
A couple of days later was Christmas Eve. Crystal had asked me, quietly, before we parted company on the Saturday, whether I still wanted her to come round, and despite how I felt right then, I didn’t want to let her down. The thought of her sitting at home in her flat on her own on Christmas Eve, as well as all over Christmas, was just too much. I was annoyed with her, I felt let down and unsure of her now, but I couldn’t go as far as to cancel the day together that I’d promised. What made it worse was that Dad had called me the previous day to say he’d already arrived at Mum’s for the Christmas celebrations, and suggested coming over to see me and Poppy for Christmas Eve.
‘I’ve got Crystal coming round, Dad,’ I said. ‘I’ve promised her.’
‘Oh.’ I could tell from his voice that he was disappointed. Then he brightened up. ‘Well, how about I come round anyway, just to finally meet her? I won’t stay long.’
It had put me on the spot. I didn’t really want Dad and Crystal getting together, not while I was still feeling so conflicted about her myself. I’d be on edge, it would feel awkward and he’d go back to Mum’s and tell her something wasn’t right.
‘Um… look, can we just do it another time?’ I said. ‘And Poppy and I will be seeing you on Christmas Day, and Boxing Day, won’t we?’ I paused, thinking about this. ‘When did you come down from Manchester, anyway? You were only down last weekend, weren’t you?’
‘I drove down again on Saturday. I’m staying for a week this time.’
‘Oh. You’ve got a whole week off work? That’s great.’
It was unusual, though. In the past, however much he’d enjoyed coming down to see Mum, me, and Poppy (and Jack, before he did his disappearing act), Dad would always be keen to get back to his own place, his new life with his work and his social circle up north. I’d already noticed how much more frequently he’d been coming down recently. All I could think was that he was checking up on me. Or, I supposed he’d just say he was worried about me.
‘Well, I’m winding down slightly now,’ he said casually. ‘Working less hours. Thinking about retiring, to be honest. I think I’ve earned a break.’
I felt my jaw drop. Was this really my workaholic father, talking about actually retiring ? No, I couldn’t believe it.
‘Is anything wrong?’ I asked, a sudden feeling of panic starting to overwhelm me. ‘You’re not… ill, or anything?’
He laughed. ‘No, of course not. But I’m nearly seventy, Gemma. Don’t you think I should retire at some point?’
‘Well, yes, of course. Absolutely.’ Nearly seventy ? How had that happened? ‘Of course – you should be retired, Dad! You shouldn’t still be working at all?—’
‘All right, hang on, don’t put me out to grass straight away!’ He was still laughing. ‘For now I’m just doing less hours, working from home – like everyone else seems to do these days – but I’m definitely going to retire before too much longer.’
‘Well, good for you. Look, I’m sorry about tomorrow, Dad. But I’ll see you on Christmas Day, OK? Looking forward to it.’
Poppy was excited to hear that Crystal was coming round for Christmas Eve, and she kept climbing on the sofa to look out of the window for her car.
‘Yay! Crystal’s here!’ she shouted as soon as the car pulled onto the drive. ‘She’s here, Mummy!’ She ran to the front door. ‘Quick! She’s here!’
‘OK, OK!’ I had to laugh, despite the mixed feelings I had about it, and when I opened the door to let her in, Crystal – dressed in a sparkly rainbow-patterned jacket that I hadn’t seen before, and a pair of blue, patchwork dungarees – enveloped me in a hug and whispered that she couldn’t possibly ever be able to tell me how grateful she was for the invitation.
‘You’re welcome,’ I said, the chill in my heart thawing a little. ‘Come on in. You look great!’ I added, although if I’d been truthful, I’d have said the designs of her clothes clashed so much they were threatening to give me a headache.
And within a few minutes, everything was back to how it always was. Crystal and Poppy ran off to play, as if they were both kids and I – left alone in the kitchen to make lunch – was Mummy to them both. But it was hard to keep up the resentment, seeing how happy it made Poppy. We ate a cheerfully unhealthy lunch of sausage rolls and mince pies, and afterwards – as it was cold and raining outside – settled down to watch The Gruffalo , one of Poppy’s favourite films, and drink hot chocolate.
‘It feels like a proper Christmas.’ Crystal sighed when the film finished. ‘I haven’t had one of those since…’ She shook her head, and then finished, quietly, ‘For a long time.’
‘So will you see your brother tomorrow?’ I asked her.
‘No. Apparently he’s going to his latest girlfriend’s parents.’
‘Oh. I’m sorry you’re going to be on your own,’ I said, wishing that – despite my recent uncertainty about her – I didn’t still feel guilty just imagining her sitting in her flat with nobody to celebrate with.
She shrugged. ‘I’m thinking of today as my Christmas. And – on that note – I’ve got a P – R – E – S – E – N – T in the car for a certain person here. Are you still happy for me to give it to her today?’
‘Yes, that’ll be lovely,’ I agreed. ‘Probably best to do it now; she’ll be tired tonight from all the excitement, especially after we’ve reminded her about S – A – N – T – A coming!’
Crystal went out to her car and returned with a large shopping bag.
‘What’s that ?’ Poppy asked, looking at it with interest.
‘Well, it’s Christmas Day tomorrow, isn’t it – but as I won’t see you tomorrow, I thought you might like a present today. What do you think?’
‘YES!’ Poppy squealed.
‘Yes please ,’ I corrected her gently. ‘And we’ve got one for Crystal, too, haven’t we, Poppy?’
‘Yes, we got you earrings!’ she said, and Crystal and I both laughed.
‘You’re not supposed to tell people what their present is!’ I said. ‘But here you are, Crystal – no need to guess what it is, now.’
‘And here’s yours,’ she said, handing me a similarly small package. I unwrapped it to find a beautiful silver friendship-knot necklace inside, with the inscription best friends forever. I gave her a hug and put it on immediately, feeling a lump come to my throat as I thought of how I’d been feeling about her recently. She looked equally moved by the dangly silver earrings I’d bought her.
And meanwhile, Poppy was tearing the wrapping off her own present.
‘Oh!’ She gasped, looking up at me, wide-eyed in surprise. ‘Look, Mummy! Same as Crystal!’
It was a child’s size version of exactly the same sparkly jacket, and exactly the same blue dungarees that Crystal was wearing. Poppy was already pulling the jacket on, over her jumper. She held up the dungarees.
‘Boo! My favrit!’ she said, stroking them lovingly. She looked from herself to Crystal and back again. ‘We’re the same!’
‘I thought you’d like that, sweetheart,’ Crystal said, pulling Poppy towards her for a cuddle.
I watched, feeling my face slowly turning to stone.
‘How…?’ I spluttered. ‘I mean, where did you get them…?’
‘There’s a lovely website I know about,’ she said, the excitement almost steaming off her. ‘It’s called Like Mother Like Daughter. Isn’t that adorable? I just couldn’t resist.’
‘ Like Mother Like Daughter ,’ I repeated. My voice sounded hollow. ‘I see.’
She looked up at me, finally noticing my tone, seeing my expression.
‘Oh! I mean… look, it’s just the name of the website,’ she said quickly, going a bit red. ‘It doesn’t mean…’
‘Doesn’t it?’ I retorted. I glanced at Poppy, who had also now picked up on my tone. She looked puzzled.
‘I look pretty?’ she asked me, doing a twirl so that the jacket shimmered in the light. ‘I look like Crystal?’
‘Yes, darling. You always look pretty,’ I said, forcing a smile.
I turned back to look at Crystal, just in time to see she had her phone raised to take a picture. I automatically forced another smile while the camera flashed – wondering if my smile would look more like a grimace in the photo. My mind was racing. What in the world had possessed her to buy Poppy identical clothes to hers – from a website with a name that was frankly guaranteed to infuriate me? Unless infuriating me, taunting me, was the whole idea? She knew she’d already overstepped the mark by pretending to be Poppy’s mum when she was out with her. Did she secretly want me to stop her seeing Poppy? No – look how upset she’d been the other day, just at the idea of it. And she’d seemed oblivious right up until the moment she saw the look on my face just now. It was unbelievable! Was she really this stupid, this insensitive, or… was she so obsessed with my daughter that it blinded her, completely, to what would have been absolutely fucking obvious to anyone else?
I sat in silence, steaming, trying to make myself behave normally for Poppy’s sake while Crystal helped her change into the new dungarees, telling her to keep the jacket for going out – perhaps to wear to her nanny and grandad’s house the next day? – as it was too warm for indoors. She took photo after photo of Poppy posing in the dungarees; she took selfie after selfie of herself, with Poppy on her lap, their blue patchwork dungarees merging before my eyes into something sinister, hateful and suspicious.
‘Right!’ I said eventually, having had enough. ‘Time for you to have some dinner, Poppy-Pops, and an early night. Remember who’s coming tonight!’
‘Father Kissmas!’ she yelled. ‘Put my stocking up now?’
‘After dinner,’ I said firmly.
‘Let me do her dinner,’ Crystal suggested.
‘It’s OK. It’ll be a quick one. Pasta, I think.’
I went into the kitchen and worked off some of my annoyance making a cheese sauce while the pasta cooked. When it was all ready and I called Poppy in to eat, Crystal came in too and put on the kettle, suggesting we could have a cup of tea while Poppy was eating.
‘I’ve brought a bottle of fizz for us to share with our dinner later,’ she said cheerfully. Then she stopped, looked at me uncertainly and added, ‘That’s if you’re sure you’re still OK about me staying the night?’
I’d almost forgotten I’d made the offer.
‘Yes, of course,’ I said automatically, thinking even as I said it that I wished I hadn’t been brought up to be so endlessly polite. So civilised that even when I felt like nothing less than showing her the door, I couldn’t go back on a promise. I’d felt sorry for her, being on her own – and now all I was wishing was to be rid of her, but somehow, I couldn’t do a thing about it.
‘OK,’ she said, getting to her feet. ‘Finished, Pops? How about I take you up to bed and get your stocking hung up?’
‘She needs a little while for her dinner to go down,’ I said. ‘And we have to put milk and biscuits out for Father Christmas.’
‘And a carrot for the weindeer!’ Poppy said, jumping down from her chair. ‘Where’s a carrot, Mummy?’
‘I’ll get you one in a minute. Pass me your plate, please.’
‘Shall I read you a story?’ Crystal suggested. ‘While we’re waiting for Mummy to get the things for Father Christmas?’
I turned, closing my eyes for a moment, counting to ten. Everything Crystal offered to do was beginning to irritate me. I had to try to calm down.
‘We do something special for her Christmas Eve story,’ I said. ‘It’s… a family tradition.’
‘Oh.’ Crystal was obviously expecting me to enlighten her, but I didn’t. ‘Well… um, she could have two stories tonight, couldn’t she? As it’s a special day.’
‘OK. Sure,’ I said. Again, I somehow just couldn’t say what I really wanted to, which was: No, she can’t have two stories, she’ll want two every night now, can’t you just take the hint and sit down and be quiet?
I heard – while I kept my back to the room – Crystal chasing Poppy upstairs to choose a book, both of them giggling. I heard her suggest Poppy could get into her pyjamas while she was up there, so that she’d be all ready for bed in plenty of time for Father Christmas. And I gave myself a shake, telling myself to get over it. These were exactly the kind of things I’d had in mind – suggested to her – when I’d invited Crystal to share this special day with us. They were exactly the kind of things she’d been doing with Poppy for months now, and I’d been grateful. It had been helpful, I’d thought it kind, and it was no good regretting allowing it now. I needed to get through the rest of the evening with good grace. And then decide how to… yes, how to extricate myself from this relationship. Without causing too much damage to my daughter.
So we read Poppy the two stories, and between us we assembled the treats to leave out for Father Christmas and Rudolph. We both put Poppy to bed, and hung up her stocking, warning her that she’d better go to sleep early so Father Christmas wouldn’t have to go away again if he arrived to find her still awake. She closed her eyes so tightly, pretending to be asleep, that we both laughed, then we kissed her goodnight and tiptoed downstairs.
‘She’ll probably take ages to get to sleep,’ Crystal said. ‘She’s so excited.’
‘Yes. And she’ll wake up ridiculously early to see what Santa’s left her.’
Crystal smiled, wistfully. ‘She’s at a lovely age,’ she said. ‘So innocent and trusting.’
I wanted to agree, to smile and bask in my friend’s enjoyment of my daughter. But I couldn’t. All I could think about was that outfit, that ridiculous outfit from Like Mother Like Daughter. The expression on Crystal’s face when she’d looked at Poppy dressed like her mini-me.
We cooked dinner together, the way we normally did, trying to make conversation, both of us obviously aware of how stilted it was. Now Poppy wasn’t with us, it was harder to keep up the pretence, harder not to show how I felt.
‘You’re annoyed with me, aren’t you?’ she said, finally, as we sat down with a drink after dinner. ‘I’m really sorry – I honestly didn’t mean anything by giving Poppy something from that website.’
‘Didn’t you? It seemed an odd thing to do: the exact same clothes as you’re wearing.’
‘I thought they’d suit her,’ she said quietly, looking down at her glass.
‘Right.’
I really couldn’t be bothered to discuss it with her. There was no possible excuse for it. She finished her drink, looked at her watch and said perhaps she’d have an early night. I couldn’t let her drive home – she’d had two large glasses of wine now – so I agreed, pretending to be tired myself. But I tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep, unable to look forward to Christmas Day with my daughter and my parents, because all I could see was that image of Poppy dressed the same as Crystal. It felt like the image would never fade.