Chapter 24
Jana looked at me with blank, wide-set eyes and thin lips. I gulped before looking down at my hands and then back up again.
“For what it’s worth, I’m not expecting you guys to rekindle any kind of relationship. I understand that is not my place to meddle in. I just want to be totally transparent with you, since you are such an important person in my life.”
A cold, anxious buzzing washed over my skin as I waited for any physical or verbal response from her.
“Oh,” she said with a laugh. “You’re kidding! I should have known.” Scrunching my face up a bit, I stared back at her before shaking my head no.
“I’m not,” I responded, keeping my voice gentle.
“No, you are,” she continued with an assured nod and smile, waving her hand at me playfully.
“Because the Libby I know, my best friend in the entire world,” she said sarcastically, “wouldn’t be dating the only person I have ever thought of as an enemy.
” I sucked in a breath as her tone shifted to something darker, angrier.
“That would be so fucked, don’t you think?
" She looked away from me, her gaze falling to the floor. "I mean, you knew how I felt about Jade before you even met her. You knew the things she did to me growing up, and you knew I was so traumatized that I had to send you in my place, so I didn’t have to face her.”
“Jana, please, it’s not like that. I—”
She spoke over me, almost in a shout. “I’m not done.
” We'd gradually slid away from one another on the couch, creating distance. “Like, Lib, you are the only person I have ever told about what it was like growing up. How it felt to be constantly one up’d by her, how small and worthless she made me feel. Like I could never compare to the perfect oldest daughter.”
Her bottom lip quivered, and she stood up from the couch, crossing her arms over her chest.
“And when you were going there, I thought to myself, what if? What if Jade tries to take my best friend away from me because she still can’t stand the thought of me having something she doesn’t?
” She was looking down at me with wet eyelashes.
“But I thought, no, Libby would never let that happen; she’d never choose to play into Jade’s nasty games.
” I wiped my cheeks and just waited quietly for her to keep shouting.
“Guess I was wrong. So, so wrong because here you are telling me not only did you become friends with her, you’re fucking her too!
And want to keep doing that, regardless of how it makes me feel.
” Her fists were clenched tightly beside her hips, and I tried to hold the tears at bay, a lost cause.
“Jana, I do care about how you feel!” I wanted to tell her about how guilty I’d felt during all those moments with Jade where things progressed past friendly advances.
But that would only prove her point. “I just can’t help my feelings for Jade.
But I never wanted to hurt you; you are my best friend in the world. You mean everything to me.”
She truly meant so much; I’d never had anyone in my corner before I met her. And here was everything I’d feared for the past few weeks coming to fruition. The reason I struggled with a blurred line of morality, even though I felt it was out of my control.
“That is such a fucking lie! You may have feelings for her now, but you weren't struck by Cupid's bow,” she said sarcastically again, emphasizing the words as if they were phony. “Like you made decision after decision to pursue a relationship with her when you knew how hurtful it’d be to me. And not only that, but you knew what kind of person she was. Someone untrustworthy, rude, all around a bitch. But none of that mattered when you fell under her manipulative spell.” Her finger pointed at me in an accusatory gesture.
Her words were like endless blows to my chest. She was right.
I knew it was wrong, and I knew it would hurt her, and I kept pursuing Jade anyway, and I should never have done that.
Stopped it all before it even started. It wasn’t fair to Jana when I’d done something I already knew the consequences of.
“I’m so sorry; you’re right. I knew it would hurt you, but I wasn’t doing it intentionally. We just had feelings for each other, and it was like there was no way out of or around it.”
Even I knew my words were empty. But at the time, it truly had felt like that. It really felt like Jade was the light at the end of the tunnel, and there were no other directions I could head in. And it felt right to be with her. It never felt dirty or immoral to grow closer to her.
“You actually think she has feelings for you?” Jana asked in the most condescending tone I’d ever heard from her.
Even her lips tilted up as if in sympathy for my ignorance.
“She’s a manipulative liar, Lib. She played you to get back at me.
It’s just too convenient that you too had a whirlwind romance, as if she didn’t know how it would make me feel. ”
I couldn’t speak. My heart was telling me that what Jade and I had was real and that it had nothing to do with getting back at Jana.
But my head thought it would make sense.
Hell, even I felt like Jade came on strong.
I was just so hypnotized by the beautiful, seductive woman that I believed what I wanted to.
The whole time I thought this can’t be the same person Jana warned me about.
But maybe it was all a game to her. I'd already considered that it was all some ploy to make me a pawn in their endless fight.
“I don’t think so, Jana. I truly believe she cares for me.
But I care for her, regardless.” I was having doubts thanks to Jana’s words, but I couldn’t dig too deep into them when I was still trying to plead my case to her.
And the voice of assurance for what Jade and I had was louder than the voice of doubt.
“Again, Lib, you don’t know her like I do. But regardless, you are going to have to make a choice. Because either you really are my best friend who wouldn’t fuck my enemy, or you’re a liar just like the evil bitch you wanna keep fucking.”
My mouth fell open in shock. I never expected things to end up this way. Sure, I thought she’d be mad, maybe even need a day or two to come around. But to act like this? To make me choose between them? It was completely unfair. I’d never heard her say such vile things before, even about Jade.
Seeing my internal debate written across my face, Jana continued.
“You made a mistake, and despite how hurtful it is, I will try to look past it. But I can’t be friends with someone who is close to her.
Because that person would clearly not be a good judge of character.
And I don’t want that person in my life, much less in the close inner parts of my life. ”
We sat in silence as I tried to think of what to do.
Despite everything I felt for Jade, Jana had been there for me in so many ways, for so many years.
And she was right. I made the decision to pursue Jade when I knew it would hurt her.
That makes me a terrible friend. But she wasn’t right about my making a mistake.
I didn’t regret any time I spent with Jade.
The moments I shared with her were already ingrained in my memory.
Sacred moments in the timeline of my life, no matter what came next.
Grabbing her purse off the couch, she threw it over her shoulder and started walking toward the door. I swallowed thickly, still unable to pull myself from my thoughts.
“Choose, Lib,” she said coldly, with a solid, still expression on her face as she turned back to face me.
Time was up. Despite how it felt like the wrong decision, like an unfair situation, like my heart was already being shattered with a sledgehammer, I decided.
“I choose you, Jana.”