Chapter 25
One Month Later
The cold water pouring from the showerhead splattered across my face and scalp, but it wasn’t enough to push away the reminders of her today.
Jade.
She consumed my thoughts in ways that I never considered she would.
Just the act of making breakfast for myself instead of both of us sent me into a spiral of thoughts about her.
The memory of exactly how she took her coffee would pop up every time I looked at my Keurig.
Even just waking up alone sent a flurry of pain through my chest when I couldn’t feel her next to me.
I knew I was crying only because my eyes felt sore as I blinked.
The tears fell in step with the cool water running across my cheeks.
The night I told Jana I chose her, I knew it wasn’t the choice my heart had made.
But my brain said it was the right choice, what a loyal friend would do for someone they loved.
Jana never saw the pain it caused me, never saw the buckets of tears I cried in my dark bedroom, wishing the sheets on my bed smelled like woodsy amber instead of my floral detergent.
The oversized band tee of Jade’s that I’d stolen had almost lost her scent.
I wore it every night to sleep, and it was honestly depressing because it felt like the last piece of her I had, and I was forced to sense it slowly slipping away.
The weight of each day was growing heavier.
I couldn’t picture Jade moping about like I did at her loss.
Especially when I was the one to call things off between us.
Well, kind of.
I’d barely had the strength to text her.
To tell her I wouldn’t make it to Twin Forks that weekend.
She called me, but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t have gotten the words out; I wouldn’t have been able to answer her questions without spilling the details of what happened between Jana and I.
It was unfair to drag her into this deeper, to make her resentful of her sister anymore than I already had.
Because I would have had to tell her all the hurtful things Jana said about her, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
When I didn’t call her back and didn’t respond to her text asking what was wrong or if we needed to reschedule our meet up, I guess she got the hint.
It was cruel of me to ghost her, but it just felt too raw to type out the words that I should have.
To say I couldn’t see her anymore. I physically couldn’t bring myself to do it.
So here I was a month later, still feeling like absolute death. I didn’t know what I was doing anymore.
My life just felt so empty.
My routine—working, going out with Jana—it was hard to find joy in those things.
Which just made me feel worse because I should love spending time with Jana the way we used to.
Should love my peaceful life the way I did not that long ago.
It wasn’t glamorous, but it was what I had, and I’d been happy.
But I felt like I couldn’t be happy anymore without Jade, and I was unsure whether clinging to the idea of us made me an idiot or if staying away from her did.
I couldn’t be happy pretending that my time with her had never happened, had meant nothing.
I’d thought about it a hundred times. Jumping in my car and driving to Riley.
In those fantasies, she welcomes me into her arms and kisses me senseless.
We pick up exactly where we left off and move forward together.
But the reality is that she wouldn’t want to see me after what I’d done.
I told her I wouldn’t choose between her and Jana, but that’s exactly what I did.
I don’t know how deep her feelings were for me, but I was in love with her, was still in love with her, and if she’d done that to me, it would have crushed me.
So, I stood in my shower and cried over my mistake. Wishing that I were brave enough to do something, anything, to end my suffering.
I’d remade my coffee twice because I kept forgetting to drink it.
It was once again cold beside me as I typed up a report for a customer.
I’d barely slept last night. My head hurt from crying, and I couldn’t find the will to get up and grab some Tylenol.
I just thought about Jade, which led to even more crying.
I was truly hopeless at this point. Work was also getting in the way of my pity party.
Wrapping up my report, I picked my phone up to see a text from Jana.
She was raving about the new restaurant downtown she was taking me to tonight.
She’d gone there on a date last week and hadn’t shut up about their stir-fry since.
After sending a quick reply, I took my coffee cup to the kitchen and poured the contents down the drain.
I opened my refrigerator to grab my lunch.
I’d made chili Wednesday night and had been living off of it, basically.
After sticking it in the microwave, I took my seat at the dining table.
Leaning against my palm and closing my eyes for a few too brief moments.
There was an alarm going off in my mind since the day I chose Jana.
It told me I had made a mistake. It told me to call Jade, even now when I knew she wouldn’t answer.
But maybe I could hear her voicemail and take in the sound of her honey-like voice.
While eating my chili, I went through my phone, looking up the various social media accounts of Jade Thornton just so I could take in her mossy green eyes and plump lips.
What we had was special. Sure, it was wrong; we moved too fast and hadn’t known each other long.
But I don’t think anything in my life had ever felt as true and right as being with Jade.
What made it worse was that I couldn’t help but reevaluate my life before meeting her.
My decisions, like following Jana to the city and taking the first job I could because it seemed easy.
Even my apartment wasn’t especially nice.
I just liked the location and went for it.
I’d never taken the time to decorate it other than with a few pictures of family here and there.
And I’d told myself it was temporary, just starting out, getting on my feet.
My friends here were people I’d met through Jana, and while they were still my friends, the thought made me feel incredibly lonely.
In fact, everything in my life felt lonely after meeting Jade.
When I broke up with my ex, all I felt was relief.
I relished my solitude here, thankful for the space. But everything was different now.
It felt like I’d just woken up and realized that I’d been living on hold, doing the bare minimum, just getting by.
But I had a taste of something better now, something that made me feel new, excited, loved.
Something I gave away because it felt morally wrong to have it.
And just maybe because that voice in my head that I thought got silenced in college, the one that told me I wasn’t worthy of love because I didn’t have the perfect body or the prettiest face.
The one that told me I was too different for not liking guys or getting hit on as much as the other girls in school.
Maybe that voice told me to choose Jana because I didn’t deserve someone like Jade.
She was out of my league, someone who didn’t sit on the sidelines or let life coast by because it made things easy.
Jade lived life out-loud, taking risks and being creative.
Going after her dreams even after growing up without genuine support from her family.
And I was comfortable, alright with sitting things out or being overlooked because it wasn’t as scary as putting myself out there.
But regardless of all those things, it was too late.
She wouldn’t trust me now, and I wouldn’t blame her for that.
And she seemed too carefree to be hung up on someone like me, especially when I made it so obvious things were over between us.
And maybe with a little more time I could get past it too.
Maybe things would get easier, feel lighter, memories quieter.
But no matter how much time went by, I already knew in my heart that I’d never fully get over her. I’d remember the days I spent with her for the rest of my life as the time I could be myself. Be happy and free and be with the person I loved. And I was thankful for that.
That at least my memories of her were mine, if she could never be.