THIRTY-TWO
“NOT SURE WHAT I’ll do with myself now,” Holly said, gazing at the car door that had just closed.
Back in the city, they’d dropped Donaghue off at a hotel. Because he lived there? Because he had another client? She didn’t ask. Sometimes it was easy to forget Holly and Donaghue weren’t really a thing. For all his confidence, and sometimes overbearingness, she’d gotten used to his presence.
“Enjoy the peace,” Baer said. “I won’t miss living with that guy.”
“You only feel that way because you’ve never had sex with him,” Holly declared. “And I know that for a fact, because I asked him.”
“And you believed him?” Baer asked, sly enough to be playing with her.
Holly blanched. “He lied?”
Baer actually laughed. “Babe, there isn’t enough money in the whole damn universe.”
“I was just getting used to him,” Freya said. “It will be quiet without him around.”
“We should do it again,” Holly said, sort of excited. “Double date. Hang out. It would be fun. We could ask Kelly and Nickson too, make it a triple.”
Except that would mean paying Donoghue again. Just Donoghue? What would happen now they were back home? She and Baer had adhered to the rules, both his and hers. That meant no money talk. So what happened now? Did she wait for him to have a night off from Squires and hope he wanted to spend it with her? Frustratingly, him putting up the barrier about money talk effectively boxed them in.
When would they talk about the future? The future… In her private daydreams, she imagined the future with him, and the twins, and Abel, and Truman, everyone getting along.
Except in the private picture, she and Baer lived together, they did get married, they did have kids. Was he being obstinate about the money as an excuse? Maybe he didn’t want those things. He raised the twins with Abel; it could be that he was done with surrogate fatherhood. Freedom had allure. Only one way to find out what was in his head: he had to tell her.
Except she couldn’t ask.
That meant talking about money, which was against the rules. He’d specified for their vacation; she hadn’t put an expiry date on her rules. Did that give her an in?
This was nuts. How long would they go on ignoring the obvious? Were they just wasting each other’s time? Kidding themselves this flirtation had a chance. God, she hated reducing it to a “flirtation,” even in her head.
She wanted that future. She was ready. Pushing could send him over the edge. Cornering him wouldn’t get her anywhere… So what? They’d just go on pretending they had a chance together, with the kissing, and the touching, and the… She was too old for that kind of na?veté. If she had to get over him, if there was no future, better to rip off the Band-Aid and get out now. He needed to be honest with her. Desire for clarity churned her guts and raised her heart rate enough that she almost demanded an answer there and then.
Thankfully, saving her the embarrassment of the outburst, the car stopped again. Holly leaned in to kiss her cheek and say goodbye as the door opened and the driver helped her out.
Baer’s kiss bounced against the side of her head. “Back in a minute.”
He jumped out the other side, both doors slammed, and she was alone.
Only for a few minutes, Baer was quickly back with her.
“What was that about?”
“Just getting her settled.”
She leaned against him to tease. “Are you going to come up to my apartment and get me settled?”
He checked his watch. “Technically I’m still on the clock for another ninety-eight minutes.” Hooked by his arm, he held her against his side. “But I’m willing to forget that if you are.”
Tempted though she was, it would be ridiculous of them to stick to the rules for two weeks straight only to break them in the last few minutes. If they were going to break them anyway, they might as well have done it two weeks ago.
“The boys will want to see you,” she said, stroking his torso. “Holly thinks she’ll miss living with Donoghue…” Which was nothing to how she’d miss him in the night. “My bed will be empty tonight.”
“Mine won’t.”
The abrupt answer startled her. “You have a client tonight?”
From her straight to someone else? God, she didn’t want to know that. Couldn’t he at least give her a little time to adjust to losing him?
“No,” he said, finger-combing her hair to raise her attention. “I’ll be in my bed. Come over for dinner. The boys will want to see you too.”
She didn’t want to make assumptions. “And…?”
“I’ll share my sheets with you.”
Her exuberance was ridiculous. She’d spent the night with men before, with this actual one, yet she was a schoolgirl being asked to prom by her high school crush. There was no better prize.
“Really?”
“Yes, really. Why wouldn’t you?” Because, oh, so many reasons. “We’ve been sleeping together for two weeks. Telling me you’ve got a problem with it now?”
No way, no how, and there would be no payment exchanged that night. Their rules would apply.
So… “Do you have a client tomorrow?”
“I’m not an idiot.” Which meant what exactly? “No, no client. You think I wanted to deprive myself another damn day? You and your fucking rules, Little Skit, you drive me wild.”
Stooping over her, he joined their mouths, giving her a taste of what would come. What they’d missed. What she needed. Giving in was overdue. He was right, they had deprived themselves for too long.
And if he didn’t have a client tomorrow, maybe they could spend the whole day together. Easy for her to say when her responsibilities would wait. Plenty of people steered her ships, she never had to do anything that she didn’t want to do. There was always someone she could call to take care of things.
Just because they couldn’t spend the day in bed didn’t mean they couldn’t spend it together at all. They could do something with the boys. Even if Baer had duties in the building, maybe she could teach the twins something in the kitchen.
It didn’t feel right that they planned to part, even for a few short hours. She didn’t want to lose his kiss, his wandering hands, the delight of his fingertips trailing up her thigh. Stuff. They could do stuff… more stuff. God, stuff tormented her.
The rules were good. Roxie had been right… Oh, screw Roxie.
Climbing onto him, she pressed her body to his, writhing, desperate to hold him as long as she could. Only his grip on her ass, pinning her against his erection, prevented her hands getting to him. He kept them too close, locked together, he wouldn’t let her—
“Easy, baby,” he murmured, gathering her hair to pull just a little and put space between their lips.
“But I want to—”
“I do too.”
Except the side door was open… to the street. Okay, so that was embarrassing. Please say Narmer and the driver, who’d opened the door, hadn’t seen her wanton act. No act, it was the God’s honest, raw, undeniable truth. This man intoxicated her, she was addicted.
Their eyes met. “I don’t know if I can go.”
The groove of his dimple distracted her. “I come upstairs with you, there are no rules. I’ll be taking what I want.”
She shivered and kissed him again. “Tonight.” What else could she say? The truth. Would it change things between them? She’d been keeping it to herself for two weeks and it didn’t feel right anymore. “I want to say something, and I don’t want you to say anything back. I think I knew before we went…” This didn’t require a rambling prologue, the words should be enough on their own. “I love you. I’m in love with you. Think about it, about maybe if you could ever feel the same way.” When air passed his lips her fingertips leaped to them. “Don’t say anything. I don’t want a knee-jerk reaction or for you to be polite. Just think about it.”
She climbed off him and he let her go. The smile on her face as she crossed the sidewalk to go into her building probably said it all to any onlookers. Maybe she’d been stupid. But however he felt, at least she could console herself knowing she told him the truth. No games or uncertainty, no drama, just the complete truth.
Of course by the time she got to her apartment, the adrenaline had worn off some. The doorman brought her things and shuttled her suitcase onto the stand in her closet. After tipping, she snatched her cell phone and called Roxie.
“Hey, honey! How was the flight? Any mile high action?”
“I told him I loved him.” She kicked her shoes to the corner of the closet and silently growled at the heavens. “What was I thinking?”
“Did you mean it?” Roxie asked, her teasing ebbed. “Because if you meant it, you’re supposed to say it. Some people will tell you that’s rich coming from me, but there’s no substitute for experience. If you meant it, it was the right thing to say. When did you say it? This morning…? On the flight…? What did he say? Did he say it back?”
“I told him not to say anything.” It had only happened a few minutes ago, and already it was like an out of body experience. “Why would I do that? Why wouldn’t I let him respond?”
“Because you want the truth. Guys have a habit of saying what sounds good in the moment, whether they mean it or not. You want the truth. When are you seeing him again?”
“Tonight. He asked me to go for dinner. Spend the night.”
“Well that’s a good sign. Did he say that before or after—”
“Before.” A new kind of anxiety crested. “Oh, God, what if he regrets it? Maybe he doesn’t want me to go over there now. He says there are women who use Squires like a dating service—what if it’s all been a con and I’m one of those crazy people who—”
“You are not a crazy person. If he isn’t insanely in love with you, he’s the crazy person.”
“What do I do? I shouldn’t say anything, right?”
“You can’t leave it out there forever unaddressed, but if he doesn’t bring it up…”
That was the answer. If Baer didn’t bring it up, if he didn’t bring them, their future, their potential relationship up… that was an answer in itself.
“Why do I do this to myself? Why do we bother with men and relationships?”
“Because sex is fun. Because it’s cool to have someone to eat dinner with and drive nuts every once in a while. And, mainly, because we can’t help ourselves. Oh, honey…” Her friend sighed as she plopped herself down on the closet bench. “There’s no way he doesn’t love you, just no way. Do you want to come over? Have a few glasses of wine before…?”
“That’s not a good idea. I said what I said when I was stone cold sober, imagine how my restraint will hold up if I’m drunk.”
“You’d be surprised what truths come out when we lower our inhibitions.”
And of everyone in the world, Roxie was one of the best placed to know that as fact. Second only to Zairn, Roxie’s squeeze.
“That’s what scares me.”
“I can come over and—”
“No. I’m going to unpack and take a shower.” And maybe a nap, maybe she was sleep deprived, that could be the reason for her spontaneous honesty. “But thank you, Rox. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”