CHAPTER TWELVE
Tim
I couldn’t believe it when I saw her walk through the door, come down the steps, and make her way to sit by the creek in the Adirondack chairs I had set up out there for the two of us.
She was really here. Alexis had worked magic.
For someone most people thought was mean, she had a kind heart that she kept hidden away from the world.
Natalie looked beautiful, like she always did, but she had dark circles under her swollen eyes. Mine were the same, as if we were mirror images. “Thanks for coming,” I said, my voice sounding raspy.
She didn’t say anything; she just sat down.
“Nat?”
She met my eyes, and my heart skipped a beat. Her eyes were always gorgeous, but they looked extra bright, a brighter blue-green since she’d been crying. I had done this to her. It wasn’t intentional, but it was still because of my actions that she was sad like this.
She turned and stared back at the creek, not looking at me any longer.
“Alexis said you wanted a chance to explain something to me. I honestly don’t know what there is for you to say.
It’s not exactly hard to grasp that you didn’t want anything beyond friendship with me.
I just wish you’d had the guts to tell me that to my face instead of fucking the first woman who came along.
” She shook her head. “You invited me to your condo, Tim. You invited me. Did you want me to see that? Was that your way to let me down easy?”
“No! My God, no.” I ran a hand through my hair, nervous. “Listen, I have something I want to say, and I want you wait to say anything until I’m finished. Okay?”
She gave a slight nod.
“Nat, what happened between us… it was a mistake.”
She flinched like I’d hit her.
“Don’t get me wrong,” I said quickly. “What happened between us was like nothing I’ve ever experienced with another woman.” I was getting emotional, and my voice sounded raw, brutal, honest. I hoped she could feel it, because it felt like the words were coming from the center of my heart.
She glanced at me. “Then what’s the problem?”
“There are a couple. First, you’re my best friend.
You’re the person I tell everything. The one who knows who I really am, what I’m thinking, and all of those little things that have always made us inseparable.
And, Nat, if you ever hurt me? I don’t think I’d ever be okay again.
So, it’s easier to just… not be more than friends. ”
I wiped my hands on my shorts. “And the second is, um, me. I’ve chosen a certain path for myself, at least for now. I don’t want serious relationships. I’m not willing to give more than my body to a woman. And even that is temporary. If you want more than friends with benefits, I can’t do it…”
She looked at me sharply. “Friends with benefits? That’s what you want from me?”
It was. So, I dived in. “Yes. Think about how great it would be. We’re great together in every way, in and out of the bedroom…”
“Let me cut you off right there. I’m not going to be your fuck buddy.”
I sucked in a breath. “That’s not what I’d ever call it.”
She arched a brow. “That’s what you’re proposing.”
I shook my head. “No. Fuck buddies don’t care anything about each other. We’d still be close friends and just add sex into the mix. It’s kind of like the best of both worlds.”
She made a derisive noise. “Sure. And then you’ll be with as many other women as you want to be.”
“And you could be with, um, other men.” Even as I said it, the words felt wrong leaving my mouth. I wouldn’t be okay with her fucking some other guy. I knew it; I just didn’t want to fully acknowledge it.
“Yeah, that’s not happening.” She stood up. “Well, this has been such a great conversation. I’m so glad I came over to hear this.”
“Wait,” I reached out and grabbed her arm before she could leave. “I have more to say that I probably should have started with. I’m making a mess out of all this. I’m not good at it.”
“Talking? You’re great at talking. You just suck at emotions.”
Oof. That felt like a truth I didn’t really want to hear right now. “Look, Nat, I think this whole thing has been a massive miscommunication. If you hadn’t been so busy last week with exams, I don’t think any of this would have happened.”
“It’s my fault? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No.” I shook my head. “It’s just I kept texting you that we should talk after what happened.
That’s when I could have proposed what I wanted from a relationship with you.
But you weren’t answering your texts. I drove up there, but you were at the library in a group study session.
I wanted to talk it out. I needed to. You have to believe me. ”
She shrugged, but I could tell she was listening to me.
“You have to believe that I didn’t mean for you to see anything with that woman.”
“You should have done more to get in touch with me that night.”
“I was scared to call—I thought because you weren’t answering your texts you were either still studying or in an actual exam. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I never meant for you to see me with someone else.”
“It’s just like what Annika did to you.”
I felt like all the air had been smashed out of my lungs.
“That’s not true,” I gasped out. “We weren’t even together.
I hate to tell you, Natalie, but I can’t even keep track of all the women I’ve had one-night stands with.
They didn’t expect more than that. But you?
” I laughed bitterly. “Apparently, you had us walking down an aisle after a weekend of great sex. It doesn’t work that way.
We weren’t together. I never looked at you and said please be my exclusive girlfriend, just like you never said the same to me.
You could have slept with whoever you wanted.
So could I. There shouldn’t even be a problem here. ”
She stood up. “I get it. You treated me like you treat every other hookup you’ve ever had.
I had the audacity to believe that because we meant so much to each other, you would treat me differently.
Treat me as if you at least cared about my feelings.
But you didn’t. And then that made me question my overall perception of you.
I suddenly doubted our relationship. If you thought it was okay to treat me like that, then I felt like I never really knew you at all. ”
“You knew who I was, Natalie. Your eyes were wide open.”
She nodded, a look of… disgust on her face. “Well, I do now. And I don’t like what I see. I accepted the internship in Baltimore. Your family is helping me move. I don’t want you coming with us.”
I stared at her. “You can’t mean that.”
“I do,” she said calmly, though I could sense there were tears buried down deep. “And I don’t want to see you. I’ll be gone a year or more. I want no contact with you. No texts, no calls, no emails, no surprise visits. Nothing.”
“Are you serious?” I whispered.
“Yes. We’ll see how things stand in a year, but for now? I want nothing to do with you.”
I stood up and pulled the bouquet of flowers off the table between us. “These are for you.” I thought it was worth a shot. Maybe flowers could say that I still loved her, but that she should have known we weren’t together yet.
She took them and held them for a long moment, looking down at them, fingering the velvety soft petals of some of the roses.
“You know,” she said without looking at me, “you used to give Annika flowers in middle and high school. It made me… jealous. But it also helped me know that I wasn’t the type of girl you were ever going to give flowers to.
Even a couple of weeks ago I would have been thrilled to get these from you.
But now?” she shook her head. “They make me a little sick inside. This isn’t the way I ever wanted to get flowers.
” She held the vase away from her and stared at the flowers.
“These are guilt flowers, ‘I’m sorry’ flowers, ‘forgive me’ flowers—and the truth is, that I can’t forgive you. At least not yet. And maybe not ever.”
“But we weren’t even together,” I yelled after her as she walked away from me. “We weren’t a couple!”
She kept walking, but called over her shoulder, “Then what were we?”
I opened my mouth to snap back, but then I stopped. Because I didn’t know.
I didn’t know what we’d been. But she’d made it perfectly clear we weren’t going to be that again.
And I had a heavy feeling sitting on my chest. As much as I protested that it wasn’t my fault, I knew it was.
Deep down, I knew what a fool I’d been. I sat in that chair for a long time watching the creek and wishing we could go back to times when things were easier.
To the days of us laughing and screaming and playing in that creek without a care in the world.
Would we ever be easy like that with each other again?