CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Tim
The weeks passed by slowly. Natalie and the rest of my family had figured things out. She wanted to see them, just not me. They were fine with that.
There was this part of me that felt a bit hurt that they were fine doing things with her and without me.
But that was the selfish part. The part of me that loved her and wanted only the best for her recognized that they were her family in a way that her father hadn’t been able to be for her. I could never begrudge her that.
So, I got used to doing things with my family without Natalie, and them doing things with Natalie without me. It was all about me. As long as I wasn’t there, she was happy to be with them.
She had cut off all contact with me. She wouldn’t even talk to them about me, and she didn’t want to hear anything about me, either.
Not that there was much to hear. I went to work.
I came home. I hung out with my family. I didn’t hookup anymore.
I quit hosting parties. My life became… routine.
It was the kind of life I would’ve found boring and dull even a few months ago.
But now? It was all I was able to do. I didn’t recognize that I was depressed. I didn’t know what that looked like. I’d never personally had a problem with it, so I didn’t know the signs. But Sadie did.
“Here,” she shoved a card in my hand when we were walking by the creek one day.
I was staring down at and picturing all the fun Nat and I had there over the years.
I’d give anything to go back to those days.
And I wondered how Anne and Gilbert were doing.
Did tortoises miss people they’d gotten used to?
“What’s this?” I barely glanced at it.
“It’s the number for a therapist in Halliwell. My therapist recommended him when I said I thought you needed some… guidance. She said this guy is amazing. You need to go.”
I frowned. “You really think so?”
“I know so.”
I looked into my older sister’s eyes. It was kind of like looking in a mirror. We had the same eye and hair color. All of the Summers siblings looked alike, but Sadie and I could’ve been twins. “Are you serious? You think I need it?”
She just nodded and patted me on the back. “I know you made a mistake, Tim. And it cost you dearly. Your whole family is mad at you, too.” She paused, as if she didn’t want to say something.
“What?”
“You need to talk through that awful time for you in high school when you found out Annika and your friends weren’t who you thought they were.”
My shoulders slumped. “Do you think that’s why I hurt Nat?”
“I can’t say for sure. It seems like it to me, but a professional might not think so. I just know that I’m tired of seeing you without a smile on your face. And I swear you haven’t pulled a prank on me since it all went down.”
I gave her a weird look.
She laughed. “I’m not talking about since the Annika thing.
God, you’ve done countless things to me since that.
” She shook her head. “Do you remember that time I was out with Harrison past curfew and I was trying to be really quiet getting back in the house? I took my shoes off and was tiptoeing up to the door when you set off firecrackers in the front yard and ran.”
I couldn’t help but grin. “That was classic.”
She shook her head, still chuckling. “Mom and Dad were so pissed and grounded me. I was so mad at you.”
“I couldn’t stop laughing about that. I swear I’ve never seen someone jump so high in my life.”
“I thought someone was shooting at me!”
I laughed, and thought Sadie was probably right. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed before now. It had probably been with Natalie.
“No, I was talking about since everything happened with Nat.”
I looked up at the sky and squinted in the sun. I folded my arms over my chest, thinking about how many people I loved had told me I needed therapy over the years. It was time. “Yeah. Okay. I think you might be right.”
She gave me a hug. “Good. I don’t think I’d even be mad at you for messing with me at this point.”
I huffed out another laugh. “So, you don’t mind if I throw firecrackers near your feet in the dead of night?”
“Don’t push it.”
***
I pulled into the parking lot and sat in the car for a moment trying to gather up the courage to do this. I glanced at the counseling center. It seemed like a nice enough place. I just wasn’t real excited to be talking about painful things. It seemed awful.
But Sadie swore up and down it helped her.
I got out and walked across the parking lot. It was early September, and still as hot as the dead of summer. Heat waves were visible coming off the blacktop. I was already starting to sweat in the sweltering heat and humidity. Even so, I walked slowly. I wasn’t in a hurry to get this started.
I had to admit the wave of air conditioning that hit me in the face when I opened the door and went inside was a huge relief.
I walked up to the receptionist’s desk and signed in.
She started trying to talk to me, smiling and leaning forward to give me a few down her blouse.
I glanced at her. She was my usual type.
Blonde, nice rack, pretty. But I wasn’t the least bit interested.
I gave her a small head nod and went to sit down, ignoring the disappointed look on her face.
After years of an endless cycle of beautiful women in my bed, I’d been completely disinterested in women lately.
If I needed to get off, I had my hand. Sex was what had gotten me in this horrible situation, and I was taking a break.
I didn’t even set out to do it. It just happened.
“Mr. Summers?”
I looked up. A pleasant looking middle-aged man was standing in the open door to the offices. I stood and walked over to him.
“I’m Hugh Lawrence. But feel free to call me Hugh. Follow me,” he said with a friendly but professional smile.
I felt my hands starting to sweat. My heartbeat was picking up. I really hated talking about anything personal with strangers. But the thing with Annika? What I did to Nat? Thinking of talking about those things made me feel sick.
I wasn’t sure what to expect, but he jumped right into things.
“Tell me what brings you in today.”
And I did. I told him everything in a kind of stream of consciousness way, moving from one thing to the next and bouncing back and forth between the worst parts of my life. But he took it all in stride.
After I was through with my massive word vomit, he nodded.
“I believe I can help you. I recommend that you see me weekly to start with. After a few months, we’ll revisit that schedule.
” He looked down at his laptop, moving his glasses from the top of his head and onto his nose.
“I went over your pre-session paperwork with one of our psychiatrists. He agreed with my thoughts that you’re suffering from mild depression.
Now, we could start with talk therapy only, but I believe you could benefit from a low dose anti-depressant. It’s up to you, though.”
I blinked at him. Then I realized he was waiting on me to decide. “Um… I guess I wouldn’t mind a low dose medication.”
He nodded. “I think that’s a good choice. When you leave today, you’ll need to make an appointment for next week. I’ll coordinate it with one of our psychiatrists’ schedules and you’ll see them first.”
I nodded and shook his hand before leaving. I couldn’t believe it, but there had been something about spewing out all that information to an unbiased person who didn’t know me that really had made me feel better.
As I went back into the oven outside, I felt lighter than I had in weeks. Maybe months.
***
A few weeks went by, and I felt as if I was getting somewhere with Hugh. I also was feeling a bit better overall, and I thought it was probably the antidepressant they’d put me on.
Today’s session, though, seemed to be going a bit differently. Up until now, Hugh had mainly listened. But that changed.
“You seem more upset today,” he commented as I sat down.
I sighed. “I am,” I admitted. “I found out a couple of things recently. The first thing is that my family got to go to Natalie’s graduation from Emory without me. I wasn’t invited.”
He cocked his head a little at me. “Do you think you should have been invited?”
I gaped at him. “Um. Well, yeah. I’ve known her forever. She’s my friend, but I found out all my sisters got to go and see this momentous moment in her life. But she didn’t want me there.”
“Do you think that would have been fair to Natalie?”
I paused. My anger deflating a bit. “What do you mean?”
“Think about it. You hurt Natalie terribly. Would you agree?”
I nodded.
“She worked hard to graduate at the very top of her class from her nurse practitioner program. It was a huge day for her, I’m sure.
She gave the student speech at her commencement.
Would you have wanted her to look out in the audience and make eye contact with you during that amazing moment in her life and be reminded of what you did? ”
I felt like he punched me.
“I see that hit you hard. Why?”
I rubbed my chin. “Because I’m being selfish. That was her day. She didn’t need there to be anything upsetting for her. It just hurts that I’m someone who would upset her, cause her pain.”
“You’re right. I do think it would be putting your feelings before hers to have tried to go to her graduation. That was her special day, not yours. If she didn’t want you there, that was her choice.”
I sat there, stewing in what he said. “I get that. I do. It’s just… Nat knew who I was before she slept with me. She knew! So, why did she expect anything different from me? Why didn’t she know what she was getting herself into?”
He was quiet for a moment. “So, this is her fault?”
“What? No!” I was startled by his question. “No, of course not. That’s not what I meant at all.”
“Tell me what you meant.”
And I sat there. Because for the first time I truly analyzed the words I kept saying.
That she knew who I was before she slept with me.
Hugh was right. I was blaming Natalie for what happened.
I knew deep down she wouldn’t be okay with me sleeping with someone else after we’d been together. But I’d done it anyway.
I was taking something underhanded and awful that I’d done and convinced myself that it was her fault for not understanding what she could expect from me.
I had been at least partly blaming Natalie for being upset over me sleeping with another woman a week after we’d had the most intimate weekend of my life. It had meant something. I knew it. She knew it. I just hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself because it scared me.
And I couldn’t handle the fallout. So, I had found a way to divert at least some of the responsibility for what happened off me.
I had blamed her. I had been mad at her for weeks now. Mad because she dared to be upset about something that would upset anyone.
I felt sick.
“Do you need a glass of water?”
“Yes, please.” My voice was quiet, weak.
He got it for me, and I drank it, and then he looked at me. “Now I think you’re truly ready for therapy,” he said.
“What do you mean? I’ve seen you for several weeks.”
“You’re only just now separating out the emotions and feelings and owning up to what is your responsibility and what isn’t.
When you were blindsided by Annika and many of your childhood friends, that wasn’t your fault.
You weren’t to blame. You were the innocent party, and what happened to you at that young age affected your ability to trust. Would you agree? ”
I nodded.
“Good. But what happened with Natalie? She was the innocent party, Tim. Not you.”
I sat there. I didn’t know what to say. He was right. I’d spent a long time looking at it from the wrong perspective. Or at least a skewed perspective. I knew I’d done something wrong. I wasn’t that delusional. It’s just that I was putting some of the blame on her, too, and she didn’t deserve it.
“What we need to figure out, is exactly why it happened.”
I knew. At least to some extent. I had been scared.
Terrified, really, of the strength of the desire and emotions I felt for her.
I felt ten times more for her than what I’d ever felt for Annika.
Maybe a thousand times, honestly. If she ever hurt me like Annika had, I’d fall apart. Or at least that’s what it felt like.
I told Hugh as much.
He nodded. “That’s some good insight. We’re definitely moving in the right direction. Now, you said there was something else upsetting you?”
I took a deep breath. “Yeah. She left.” I choked on the words, trying not to get emotional.
“Tell me more.”
“She took PA residency in surgery at Johns Hopkins. She moved to Baltimore and didn’t even say goodbye. My parents went out there to help her move in. But I wasn’t welcomed.”
“Let’s break this down…”
I interrupted him. “I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”
He gave me a rare grin. “Yes. You’re taking something wonderful of hers and making it about your emotions.
A true friend to Natalie would be thrilled for her that she got such a prestigious opportunity.
Now, that being said, it’s normal to feel sad and even slighted by not getting to help her move or even say goodbye. But the main point?”
“Is that she gets to do this amazing thing. That’s the thing that matters the most,” I said, looking out the window.
“That’s right. Do you know how long the residency is supposed to last?”
“A year. But… well, I’m scared she’ll never come back. I’m afraid I’ll never see her again. That I’ll never get to tell her how much she really means to me. And how sorry I am.”
“I want you to do something.”
I nodded.
“Buy a nice notebook or journal, something you’d enjoy looking at.
And fill it with thoughts for Natalie. That can look any way you want it to.
It can be a traditional diary. It can be a collection of memories.
It can be the things you think of that you’d like to tell her about each of your days.
You can pour all the things you haven’t been able to say to her into it. ”
I liked the idea.
“It’s just for your eyes. You never have to give it to her. There’s a good chance she wouldn’t accept it anyway. It’s a way to talk to her without getting to talk to her.”
“I’m going to do that, doc. Thanks.”
He gave me a wry smile. It drove him a little nuts that I called him ‘doc’ since he wasn’t a doctor. But I couldn’t seem to help it.
I went that afternoon and picked out a nice, deep blue Moleskine journal and my favorite kind of pens. Then I went back to the condo and started pouring out my heart to her. With each word that I wrote, I felt a little lighter, a little happier.
It felt almost as good as getting to talk to Nat.
Almost.