Andi #2
“If it’s at all reassuring, I don’t think you have reason to feel guilty, Andi.
Edison explained that the money he’s using is coming from a fund he set aside.
After you turned eighteen, he started putting the money he was sending to your mother for child support in a separate account for you,” Nancy explains.
“I don’t know exactly how much is in this account, but from the way he was describing it, it should be plenty for our therapy sessions and any other needs you may have for a long time.
You shouldn’t have to worry about putting your father out, considering he’s already set the intention that the money is yours. ”
The same amount of money for child support every month since I was eighteen.
Holy shit.
I’m not good at math, but it’s been a little over five and a half years since I turned eighteen, and the paperwork I found before seeing the guy for the first time said he was sending Gina a whopping fifteen K a month…
That’s almost a million fucking dollars!
My pulse starts to race, and my vision starts blurring around the edges.
Shit, I have to remember to breathe.
The brand deals I’ve done over the years, which make up the majority of the money I’ve managed to earn for myself, were enough for me to afford a pretty nice lifestyle. But I certainly never reached a million dollars in cash levels of money.
“Andi,” Nancy says, her voice snapping me out of my mental spiral. “Take a breath with me.”
“S—sorry,” I mumble, my chest feeling tight as I force it to expand filling my lungs with air.
“Walk me through your headspace.”
“I think—I think that account has almost a million dollars,” I rasp.
“And that’s distressing to you?”
“I mean, yeah!” I scoff, gesturing at myself. “Isn’t it normal to freak out when you think you’ve got a million dollars in the bank when you didn’t think you did?”
“I can understand why that would be shocking... but if we’re talking about normal—I think the vast majority of people would be happy to learn they have that much money. Do you think it’s a bad thing?”
“Well, yeah, how the hell am I going to pay that back?”
The moment those words leave my lips, Nancy’s expression shifts.
“What makes you think there’s an expectation for you to have to pay it back? Has Edison said anything about that?”
“I mean... no, not really. He hasn’t even really mentioned the account to me yet.” My hands fist in my lap. “I guess—I guess the assumption comes from the way my mom acts around financial stuff.”
I feel the burn of tears behind my eyes, and I don’t even bother trying to hold them back.
“God, I’m such a pussy-ass bitch. Does—does everything fucked up in my life have to trace back to her? Even in my own mind?”
“You just went through something traumatic, Andi. Someone who was meant to protect you, put you in a situation that actively harmed you for her own personal gain. That would leave long-lasting effects on anyone. You’re not weak-minded in any sense of the word.”
“I can’t even hear my phone ring or feel it buzz without freaking the hell out,” I rasp.
“I keep on thinking it’s her, tracking my location and coming to basically legally kidnap me again.
Who the hell is scared of their phone buzzing?
You know how much that sucks considering what I do? My phone buzzes all the fucking time!”
Nancy gives me space to rant, to let all the feelings that have been bubbling under the surface since I was rescued spill over. The silence between us seems to encourage me to share even more.
“It’s—it’s not just the normal life things I can’t seem to handle.
It’s the things I’ve always wanted. I have—have a pack now.
Officially, I think. They’ve all expressed that they’re committed to me and want to see where things go between us.
And I—I’m still terrified that I’m going to fuck up and do something wrong and they’re going to realize that I’m exactly who Gina claims I am and leave me. ”
A broken, embarrassing, pitiful sob is ripped from my chest. God, I sound like a kicked puppy choking on a piece of styrofoam.
“I have a dad. A dad who loves me, who’s honestly too nice to me, and—and there’s a part of me that can’t take him seriously because if my own mother thinks I’m not worthy of love then what in the world can they all see in me that makes them think I’m worth it?”
“I’m going to slow you down right there,” Nancy murmurs softly, reaching for her desk and holding out a box of tissues to me.
I take it, setting it in my lap before blowing my nose. My temples throb from how hard I am sobbing.
“I’m hearing that you don’t have a lot of faith in their words or actions, am I right?”
I offer her a weak nod, dabbing at my eyes.
“That makes sense. This may sound a little strange at first, but I want to offer a different perspective that may help you reframe things. Can you keep an open mind with me?”
“Yeah,” I rasp, shredding the damp tissue in my lap. “I can try.”
“Fantastic,” Nancy says, offering me a soft smile.
“I use this framework with clients of mine who have been cheated on. It’s not directly applicable, but the principle is the same because, like them, you’ve been betrayed at a fundamental level.
There are expectations within any type of relationship, and your mother violated nearly every single one in the book.
It makes sense that you wouldn’t be able to trust anything anyone else is saying because one of the most foundational and formative relationships you’ve ever had has taught you that words and actions aren’t to be trusted. ”
My eyes widen at her words, and I let out a deep, shaky exhale.
“Especially—especially because Gina would always say everything she’s doing is for my own good. I think—I think you’re right. I don’t know how to handle my guys or my dad actually doing things for me because I’m always expecting these hidden conditions to pop out of nowhere.”
“You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop,” Nancy echoes with an empathetic nod.
“Yeah,” I nod, swallowing hard past the lump in my throat. “What—what am I supposed to do now? Am I just supposed to live with this feeling?”
“No,” Nancy says softly. “The brain has a way of protecting itself. When you’ve been through such traumatic things, brains can cling to the worst-case scenario as a way to prepare you.
Unfortunately, that means even if the worst case doesn’t happen, you’ve already lived through the worst case in your own mind.
You have to learn to trust yourself and your own judgement again. ”
“And—and what if everything falls apart? I have good people in my corner now, I think, but what if something terrible and tragic happens? Like... what if they all die?”
“There are risks to everything in life. There are very few people who say they derive true joy from hiding away from all life has to offer. There’s no way to pick between the tragedies and triumphs.
You are a resilient young woman, I’m sure you’ll figure out how to navigate anything that happens.
A goal I’d like for us to work towards is to regulate your nervous system so that even if the worst case happens, you’re only living through it once. ”
“Okay. I think—I think I can work towards that.”
“Wonderful. Let’s talk about what that looks like on a day-to-day basis.”