Chapter 36 #4
Reality was creeping back in slowly. The cameras.
The ritual. The fact that everything we'd just done was recorded and stored somewhere in the Club's archives as insurance against my possible betrayal.
But beneath that cold, creeping anxiety was something else.
Something that felt strangely close to contentment.
“Violet,” Julian said softly, moving even closer. His tone had turned serious.
“Don't,” I said quickly. “Don't say whatever you're about to say. Please. My brain is too fuzzy to have a serious talk right now.”
“I was just going to say you passed the trial. You're officially trusted now, and you’ll be filled in on the Club’s secrets tomorrow morning. So… just try to act like you don’t already know them.”
“Right.” I shifted slightly, hyperaware of every point where our bodies still touched. “That's what this was all about. The trial.”
He was quiet for a moment. “Is that what you're telling yourself?” he finally asked.
I didn't answer. Couldn't. Because we both knew it was just an excuse.
What we'd just done had very little to do with the Club's ritual requirements and everything to do with the fact that I'd missed him. That I wanted him. That despite everything he'd done, and everything I should feel, I couldn't deny what was between us anymore.
Somehow, that terrified me more than anything the Dionysus Club could ever do.
Julian seemed to sense my spiraling thoughts, because he pressed a kiss to my temple, gentle and grounding. “Hey. Whatever you're thinking right now, stop. You’re too tired.”
“I just can't stop thinking ab—”
He cut me off, tilting my chin up so I had to look at him.
“Just hear this first, okay? What happens now is up to you. I gave you space for a month because you asked for it, and if you want me to keep away, I will. But if you want...” He paused, something vulnerable flickering across his face.
“If you want me around, I'll be there. It’s your choice, Violet.
It's always been your choice. I just didn't make that clear before.”
I wanted to argue that nothing about this had been my choice. Not the Selection, not the hunt, not being brought here. But looking at him now, seeing the way he was deliberately holding himself back, waiting for me to decide...
Maybe that was changing.
“It’s like I said a minute ago. My brain is way too fuzzy from the elixir to think properly,” I finally said. “So… maybe we can talk tomorrow?”
He nodded, like he'd expected that. “Take all the time you need.”
He helped me sit up, then retrieved my gown from the floor and helped me back into it. His own robes followed, and within minutes we looked presentable again. Almost like nothing had happened.
Except everything had happened.
Before I could say anything, there was a soft knock at the door. Julian opened it, exchanged a few quiet words with the attendant, then looked back at me. “Go get some rest. You've had a long night.”
I wanted to say something. Something meaningful or profound or at least coherent. But my mind was still reeling, trying to process everything that had happened. So I just nodded and let the attendant lead me away.
I looked back once, just before turning the corner. Julian was still standing in the doorway, watching me. Then he was gone, and I was alone with my thoughts.
Back in my room, I collapsed onto the bed, still wearing the white ritual gown and golden circlet. The truth serum had finally worn off, leaving me exhausted, wrung out, and desperately confused.
I'd passed the trial. I was officially trusted by the Club now. They had my darkest secret and a sex tape; two pieces of leverage they could use to ensure my silence. But that wasn't what I was thinking about.
I was still thinking about the way Julian had looked at me. The way he'd offered to fake it to protect me. The way he'd made sure, over and over, that this was what I wanted. The way he'd given me a choice, and the way I'd chosen him.
If I changed my mind about everything, I could tell him to stay away, and he'd do it. I believed that now.
But did I want him to?
A month ago, the answer would've been simple. Yes. Absolutely. Get him as far away from me as possible.
Now... now I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore. Earlier, with the elixir still flowing through my veins, I was absolutely certain I knew the answer to that question, but now that I was sober again, all my old doubts and fears had started slipping back in.
What if I could never get over the things Julian had done in the past? The stalking, the fear, the way he'd terrorized me for weeks? Even if I tried my best to forgive him for it… what if I just couldn't in the end?
I dragged myself to the bathroom and caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. The golden circlet was still in my hair, slightly askew now, and my lips were swollen from Julian’s kisses. I looked like someone who'd been thoroughly claimed, and I didn’t hate it.
I carefully removed the circlet and set it on the vanity. Tomorrow, I'd have to make my decision. But tonight... tonight I could just exist in the space between fear and desire, between what I should want and what I actually did want.
Tonight, I could just dream.