Chapter 40
CHAPTER FORTY
E ryn opens one eye to look around the room and sees us near the wall beside his bed. “Thank Divine,” he breathes, before tiptoeing in and closing the door behind him.
I look back to Riley, who still has hold of my shoulders and hasn’t looked away. I let go of his weapons harness and push his arms away. This time he doesn’t resist. Wrapping myself in a blanket from Eryn’s bed, I walk toward the young prince.
“Sorry to interrupt, but I don’t think we should take much longer as we still need to decide what to do about the hatches. Did you discover anything else?” Eryn says to me in a normal tone but with a confused and concerned look on his face. As I’m about to answer, Eryn mouths, “Are you okay?” .
I give him a tight nod and launch into a brief update on what Tovi and I found.
Riley apologizes to Eryn, clearing his throat. “I’m sorry, Eryn, I really thought you were making shit up when you said both Tovi and Mika were here.”
Eryn narrows his eyes at Riley, apparently not believing I’m okay and correctly assuming that Riley has something to do with it.
I speak quickly, not wanting an altercation between these two males. “Tovi doesn’t fit, so it’s just been me exploring. It might just be something to do with the water piped through to each washroom. I can try to find the doxy washroom, but it’s hard to hear if anyone is in the rooms of the hatches I find.”
“Bitty,” Riley offers. “Bitty is closest in size to you, and they’d be able to hear exactly what’s going on.”
“Maybe we can get…?” Eryn fumbles over which pronoun to use as both Riley and I say “them” in unison.
“Right, thank you. Maybe we can get them here and try to find a way down to you from my rooms?” Eryn finishes, not taking his narrowed eyes off Riley.
“I think that could work!” I say a little too cheerfully.
I risk a peek at Riley, as I’ve kept my eyes on Eryn the whole time, only to find that his intent gaze is on me. I’m embarrassed by the immediate sting of tears in my eyes, and I hope Riley doesn’t notice. Or Eryn, for that matter. I have to get out of here right now. The need to break something, snap something, punch anything , is beginning to overwhelm me. My skin itches painfully with tension.
“I have to get back to Tovi. You’re right, Eryn. It’s been too long,” I say far too quickly. Eryn tries to say something, but I keep going. “You guys work it out with Bitty, and I guess we’ll know if they can reach us when the Laguzborn is jumping into our washroom,” I finish with an awkward laugh.
Not able to spend a moment longer with the raging tornado in my chest, Eryn’s concern, or Riley’s…Riley-ness, I march for the door.
“We need to talk, Mika. Please,” Riley pleads, and I catch him trying to reach for me in the corner of my eye, so I take a quick step to dodge him.
“We’re done , Riley,” I say coldly.
I swing open the door and charge through with Eryn hot on my heels to get my cloak. It’s not until I’m standing in the middle of the sitting room I share with Tovi that the rage finally leaves me. When it does, I’m completely and utterly empty. Devoid of everything. Barely the husk of a beast now.
Tovi must be asleep in our shared bedroom, so I allow myself a moment. I sink to my knees, my face in my hands on the ground, my cloak covering me, and the hood falling over my head.
I’m not sure how long I weep, but once I start, I cannot stop. It’s like I lost the ability to stop myself from crying when I allowed the floodgates to open after Sweet Girl. Thinking of her makes it worse. How do I have this many tears to shed when nothing remains of me but a darkness so complete it could suffocate the Divine world?
Tovi is digging into the cloak, trying to uncover me and find my face. “What happened? Are you okay?” she cries as she starts pulling me up to sit, grabbing my hands away from my face.
She gasps, or hisses—I’m not sure which—but I must really look like shit. “I didn’t hear you come in. I fell asleep waiting.”
I clear my throat and try to fix the hair stuck to my face in my tears. “Everyone is okay. I’m sorry to scare you, nothing is wrong. I’m just…” What?
An emotionally volatile, rage-oholic? Stuck replaying every awful thing I've ever done in my head to remind myself that I don’t deserve to be loved? Confused about what to believe, so I choose to believe the worst? Sick to death of how weak and useless I become whenever Riley touches me, so I erupt in brutal anger and lash out? Hating that I willingly gave him a hold over me, and now I am terrified I can’t get it back? Not wanting to be used by him and turning into this ugly creature that uses him first?
“Get up,” Tovi demands.
I let out a distinguished “Huh?” in query.
Tovi pulls me up, takes off my cloak, and orders me to lift my arms. I do as I’m told, and she pulls the nightdress off, then pulls me by the hand into the washroom.
“Sit,” she orders, pointing to the wooden chair against the wall.
Tovi disappears for a moment and comes back with a clean tunic, gesturing for me to lift my arms again so she can slip it down over my head. Tovi wets a cloth and cleans my face of crusted snot and tears. The last thing I remember is being led to the bedroom and bundled into bed. Bossy .
Usually, I’m up and awake before Tovi, but not this morning. I’m just a used rag that’s been rung out until it ripped. Tovi is nudging me awake, getting progressively rougher as I ignore her.
“Mika. Breakfast,” she whispers before repeating herself louder and louder.
I mumble that I’m not hungry and snuggle down into the blankets, pulling them over my eyes to hide. I haven’t tried to open them yet, but they feel heavy and swollen.
A heartbeat later, Tovi is repeating this dance, but saying lunch is here. Again, I say I’m not hungry, but this time I roll over to face the wall so my back is to her. In the time it takes for me to fall asleep again, I tell myself how pathetic it is that I’m hiding in bed .
Instead of trying to wake me gently for dinner, Tovi pulls off my covers without warning.
“Get up right now, or I will carry you.”
I glare at her, but not wanting her to pick me up, I stand. I glare at her some more for good measure. The foot height difference means I’m angling my face up, and suddenly, I feel like a small, petulant child. She gestures for me to follow her to the washroom.
“Get in.” She gestures to the steaming bath.
I’m already glaring so I let out an angry snort of frustration to let her know how bossy she is. I strip off, throwing the underwear I was still wearing into the bath to wash as well. The water is a perfect temperature, oils dancing along the surface, and the steamy room is filled with a spicy scent.
“Thank you,” I say, smirking at her.
She reclines herself on the wooden chair, using the edge of my bath as a footrest. Apparently, I’m not getting any privacy today.
The bath isn’t big enough for me to stretch out. Made of wood, the big round tub is only deep enough to just cover my breasts. But inside is smooth and pleasant, and I sink into the water with a groan.
I clean my underwear first, hanging them over the edge of the bath. Then I wash my body, scrub my teeth, and clean my face. I don’t worry about my hair; I washed it yesterday and can’t be bothered today, even if it does have dried tears and snot in it.
Tovi has her arms behind her head while she reclines, her eyes closed and face relaxed as she hums a soft tune. She found me in a messy puddle on the floor, and I couldn’t even begin to explain why. But she looked after me anyway. My stomach curdles .
The silence is too much. It’s inviting my brain to think of Riley and the sex…Rage flashes through me like lightning and my cheeks flame. Never has my rage responded to sex before. I thought I wanted a quick release and that I could use Riley for it. Combine them but keep them separate. The fact that I needed Riley’s touch, and he was the reason I needed a release in the first place, unravels my logic. I’ve made a grave mistake thinking I could keep them separate.
It wasn’t just sex to me, and the overwhelming realization begins to choke the air from my lungs, reminding me that I accused the same of Riley.
He hates me, and I hate him, I try to convince myself.
I can’t… breathe .
He hates me , he has to.
I hate him.
He’s a liar.
I’m a toy, something to take, something to play with.
He wants to use me.
I don’t deserve more than that. And certainly not someone like Riley.
He deserves better than a monster like me.
I hug my knees, resting the side of my head on them, and attempt to distract myself by asking Tovi a question I've been trying to ask the last couple of days: “I’m not ready to talk about last night. But maybe you could tell me about Amarilyss?”
Tovi’s eyes snap open, and I can see the decision warring behind them as she raises her eyebrows. She moves her arms from behind her head to cross them over her chest as she takes a deep breath.
“Lyss? Uhhh…I think there’s a similar age difference between you and I, as Lyss and I,” she begins, her eyes lighting up and cheeks warming.
“I knew her well. We hung out a lot in secondary.” She shrugs, but the smile on her face belies her attempt at nonchalance. “I was eighteen or nineteen, and her coming-of-age season was approaching, so I was getting nervous. We hadn’t ever really talked about guys. I’d been with them before, but it just wasn’t a topic we spoke about. I didn’t even know if she was into girls. But I thought this was going to be the last I ever saw of her.”
She laughs and rubs her face. “I kissed her! And it was awful . She laughed! Mika, I cannot tell you how hard she laughed.” Tovi shakes her head, still grinning. “You’re probably wondering whether we talked about it, right?” she says but doesn’t wait for a response. “Well, we didn’t. We pretended like it was this funny thing that happened. Then she was gone. Sold to Nemoris.”
“You didn’t know how she felt?”
“I wore gloves all the time back then. Feeling everyone’s feelings all the time was overwhelming, so no. But even then, if I was ever not wearing them, I made sure not to touch anything she’d touched recently. Because I didn’t want to know.”
Tovi continues her story with a little less humor now. “A couple revs later, my coming-of-age season was upon me. I wasn’t exactly a Junky, but I also didn’t have a desirable Gift. They sent the notice out for me at least, but I didn’t think there’d be any bids.” Tovi leans forward. “But there was one from Nemoris.”
“Did you know she was a princess by then?” I ask her.
“No!” she laughs. “I had absolutely no clue. But I was excited to maybe get to see her. And off I went.”
The water is getting too cold, so I let it drain and step out to dry off. We pause the storytelling so I can get dressed. I meet Tovi in our sitting room to eat dinner, and she continues .
“So, I’m brought into their receiving hall where I can see the royal family up on the dais, right at the end of the impossibly long room. I keep my head down as I walk toward them. When I reach them, I curtsy and look up. Mid-fucking-curtsy, I see Lyss sitting there next to the queen, beaming at me! She squeals and runs at me for a hug.” Tovi laughs, shaking her head. “I panicked a bit, trying to see what Queen Neo thought, but she was smiling and said it was nice to finally meet me. That’s when I learned she was a fucking princess.”
I laugh at how fantastical it all is, like a children’s story. Tovi’s demeanor changes, and a darkness descends around her. We finish our dinner in silence in the dying light of the day, but I raise my eyebrows at Tovi after a while as a subtle prod.
“Okay.” Tovi takes a deep breath and holds it, letting it out slowly before she continues. “I was doing odd jobs for the crown, like seeing if people had ill intentions by touching their cutlery after dinners. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t of any real help, and I only had the position because of Lyss. So, I had a lot of free time. Lyss and I spent all of it together, and it was wonderful. Until I fucked up.”
Tovi groans. “We slept together. And instead of being with her, like I actually wanted, I panicked and asked the queen if I could take a position in her army.”
“You what ?”
She nods. “I bolted. Didn’t even talk to her. Left to go and train with Beans almost immediately. I mean, eventually , we talked. She said I broke her heart, and she didn’t know if she could forgive me.”
“Oh Tovi…You idiot!”
Tovi laughs. “Yes, I am aware of that, thank you. We managed to be friends again, and she allowed me back into her life, though she keeps me at arm’s length. It probably didn’t help that I started sleeping with her brother.” She grimaces, scratching one of her sharp eyebrows.
The silence hangs heavy, and I don’t know what to say.
Tovi blurts into the long silence. “Mika, she’s the most beautiful woman you will ever see in your life. Not because she’s gorgeous on the outside, and believe me when I say she is . But she has a light about her, she makes everything around her feel magical. She’s wonderful and caring and…” She chokes, unable to continue.
“We’ll get her back, Tovi. Then you can apologize and tell her you love her. Or I will punch you in the tit like I wanted to the other week.”
“You wanted to punch me in the tit?” she asks incredulously, a smile tugging at the corner of one lip.
I wave my hand at her, scrunching up my nose. “Yes. For that whole betrayal thing.”
“That’s it?” she laughs. “That’s all you wanted to do?”
I shrug. She’s got big tits, so it would definitely hurt. “It might be an idea to stop sleeping with her brother, though,” I say as nonchalantly as I can, ignoring the jealousy that roars in my ears with my rage.
“I haven’t slept with that wanker in revs. Too cold and broody,” she laughs.
“What about while we were traveling? You guys snuck off together…”
Tovi makes a loud “ha” sound and goes to say something, but then her face crumbles. “We weren’t going off to fuck if that’s what you’re suggesting. But we were trying to get away from the rest of you for some peace. He’s my best friend, and…it’s nice to be alone together, just existing. But I was using that time to convince him you were not to be trusted.” She winces, and we fall into silence again.
We tidy up our dinner plates, which are almost licked clean. Even though it was cold, royal meals are always delicious. Tonight’s fare was roasted quail stuffed with lemon and tarragon brown rice, a side of honeyed carrots, and wilted greens with butter. Two small, sweet custard tarts sit uneaten, as neither of us wanted dessert.
When someone knocks on our doors, we assume it’s a servant to collect our dinner plates. But the man says Prince Eryn has requested my company again tonight, and I am to be ready within the hour.
I’m dizzy. It’s not only rage in my chest, or at least not as it usually is. I don’t know what this feeling is, but it’s telling me I cannot do this .
“Tovi, I can’t,” I plead. “I can’t tonight. I can’t go. Just in case…”
“Just in case what?” she demands with narrowed eyes, knowing I’m keeping something from her.
“I promise I’ll tell you. But I can’t yet. None of it makes sense.” I’m getting jittery, my voice is rising. “There’s literally nothing wrong!” I yell at myself more than Tovi.
She gives me an unconvinced look and tells me to go to bed. We will say that I’m unwell and that Tovi will happily attend to the prince’s needs instead.
After she leaves, I try to imagine all the possible scenarios of what will happen when she reaches Eryn’s room while I lie here faking illness. Is Riley there, and now he knows I’m avoiding him like a coward? Has Tovi figured out what’s going on? Has Eryn figured it out? Or is there actually something wrong, and I’m so selfishly stuck in whatever this is that I am risking everything because I’m…sad? Angry? Nothing? All I feel is rage.
Who is this person? I don’t recognize myself. Before I left Osraed, I knew who I was. Someone who can kill and not think anything of it. A nanny who cares for children and embraces them freely, sharing the joy that I keep from everyone else. I could, and would, beat the shit out of anyone for any and all reasons. I didn’t cry. I was only my rage. And I was happy with my solitary life.
Happy.
Was that happiness?