Chapter 41
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
I ’m staring at the ceiling in bed while listening to what I can only assume is another windstorm raging outside, as it matches the torrent inside me as I wait for Tovi. When I hear the procession of guards escorting her back, I jump up and peek out of the bedroom door.
Tovi swans in dramatically as the doors close behind her. I tentatively start walking toward her, trying to guess what’s happened based on what I can glean from her body language.
“What’s hap?—”
“What is going on with you?” Tovi demands, whirling to face me with her cold, hard stare.
“Wh—"
“Don’t give me the bullshit version, tell me what the fuck is going on.”
I close my mouth and raise my brows at her.
“I’ll kill him,” she spits.
I’m lost. This didn’t start the way I thought it would. "Kill who?” I ask with trepidation, unsure of what’s been said and by who .
Exasperated, Tovi asks, “What did Riley do?”
“What makes you think Riley did something?”
“Don’t dance around me, Mika. Eryn was hoping to see you because he’s worried . The fact you didn’t come has him even more worried.” She pauses briefly in contemplation. “He genuinely cares about you, you know?”
My heart somersaults into my throat for a second before I realize who she means. “Eryn? He’s a sweet kid,” I say quietly.
Tovi, not missing a thing, narrows her eyes at me. “You thought I meant Riley!” she growls. “Has he stuck his dick where it doesn’t belong? Because that dickhead has a really good habit of drunk fucking women, and then blowing them off like they’re nothing. Most of the time because he can’t remember, but sometimes it’s just because he’s a fucking asshole.”
Her voice is aggressive, but she crouches in front of me where I’ve slumped into a sofa seat. Face full of concern, she grabs one of my hands and refuses to let go. What is it with these people and their forced affections?
“No. He…It wasn’t…I mean, I—” I’m the asshole here.
An ugly mess of words start tumbling out of me.
First, I tell her what happened in the cave. Then I backtrack and tell her about the night I confronted Riley with the rumor, and the things we said to each other. I mention how I had seen the two of them sneak off together quite a few times before that, and I’d seen him go into at least two women’s rooms. I choke when I tell her about the beautiful Erduborn woman whose cheek he kissed after being alone in her room for hours.
She lets me take my hand out of hers so I can use it to wipe the tears betraying me as they slide down my cheeks. She’s studying me, but she hasn’t said a word.
I tell her about the conflicting feelings and emotions and signals. I’m starting to get angry, so I stand up to pace. The affection, the way he looks at me, the secrets and the lies. I can’t help but let out a sob when I tell her about how he held me after I woke up from the kidnapping.
“It was the first time I’d cried since I was seven, and it all came flooding out.” I let out a bark of laughter. “And now I can’t seem to stop,” I say as I angrily wipe the tears from my cheeks. “The kidnapping and feeling helpless. So close to being raped, again— ” Tovi flinches, but I continue without pause. “—Being saved, only to watch Beans take an axe to the fucking head!” I’m breathing hard, trying not to yell.
“Fortunately, once an assassin, always an assassin,” my scathing voice spits out. “But then…” I growl at myself so I don’t cry. “Sweet Girl. I promised her. I fucking promised I’d save her, Tovi, and instead, she sacrificed her life for my pitiful existence!”
I know I’ve started to yell so I pace, clenching and unclenching my fists, grateful that Tovi hasn’t once tried to say anything since I started.
“Tovi, when I saw you with the rescue, I thought they’d lied. That they’d spun another rumor. I was so relieved. But then you ran. And it was as though it was the last thing holding me together because…” I gesture, unable to find the words. “Then Riley just held me as I broke apart.”
It split me open, and all the ugly and vile things trapped safely inside violently spilled out. All the darkness within me, the disgusting shards of my soul, everything dripping in fury and rage. But I can’t tell Tovi that part. Especially when I know that I shoved it all back within me again. So, I pause to catch my breath instead.
Tovi nods to me, gesturing at me to keep going, to tell her the rest.
Tentatively, I explain to her what happened after that, how Riley wouldn’t let me sleep alone ever again. But it kept flipping from me pushing him away, to him trying to give me space, to me being angry at him, to him looking at me like I was crazy. Rinse and repeat.
I take a deep breath and explain how I used him back at the nighthouse, that I tried to play it off like it was nothing but admitting that it might be the opposite. And then the kiss, the one right before I was captured, where I asked him to promise not to kiss me again, and he wouldn’t.
“You know everything that happens after that because I got caught in the castle and sent to the dungeons.”
“Except for what happened last night,” she says wryly, one eyebrow raised.
“Yes. Except for that.”
I pace some more, deciding how much to tell her. For some reason, it’s not the part where we fuck that I can’t say. It’s the awful things I said and how I said them. Holding my breath in an attempt to calm myself, I watch the flurry of sand and dust battering our window and am reminded of being in the windcaves with him. Where I dared to think life could be different. That I could be different.
I blurt it out in a jumble. Not in order, I miss bits and then have to jump back to explain. I don’t go into full explicit details, but enough. I relay some of the things I said to him and some of what he said to me. Then with tears in my eyes and shame coloring my face, I tell her what I said to him before Eryn interrupted us. How I said it, and how I looked at him. All while my rage is like a snake wrapping around my airways.
“It was hateful, Tovi. I was vicious. I was trying to be. But still, all he said was ‘no’ like he didn’t understand. Fuck, I didn’t understand, so how was he supposed to?” I ask, not truly expecting an answer.
I’m trying to catch my breath. I’ve said it all. Tovi probably thinks I’m a monster. A coward. Useless. Nothing but a heartless assassin.
And it would all be true.
I can’t look her in the eye, not even briefly. I know it’s because I can’t bear to see the truth in her eyes. She’s still crouching where I’d been sitting, watching me pace. The silence stretches out before us.
“He was sober?” Tovi’s question breaks the silence, catching me off guard.
“What? Yes, why? ”
She shakes her head, looking confused. “Last night, when you had sex, he was sober?”
I growl, opening my mouth to say yes again, and she holds up her hands in surrender.
“Look, we haven’t fucked in revs, like I said. And even then, it was quick. Definitely no kissing. The point was to get it done as quickly as possible and move on. He was never sober. I don’t think he’s ever had sex sober.”
I groan into my hands, fingers digging into my eyes. “It doesn’t even matter, Tovi! He’s an unbound man who can fuck whoever he wants. I don’t get to have a say in that. Especially not after the way I treated him.”
“Riley’s changed, Mika. Laughing and smiling with actual happiness, and not just being a miserable cunt every day. I barely see him drink, at all . I thought it was because of Lyss, and maybe it is in part. But I think it might be you.”
I make a derisive sound and she cuts me a look, continuing. “He usually tells me about the women he’s been with. In detail, or as much as he can remember.” She’s looking at me, pointedly, trying to let something sink in that I’m obviously missing.
“There was a woman he slept with in Nemoris, at that first inn after we left Mama’s. He was too drunk to remember what happened except that he woke up naked in her room.”
I frown, but she puts her hand up forestalling my ugly thoughts and opinions.
“That Riley? The Riley we have all known and loved for revolutions, is not the same Riley you’ve gotten to know. The drunk and selfish asshole at the beginning of the Nemoris forest was all we knew, and it’s the last we’ve seen of him. We’ve all tried over the revs, us three and his friends back home, his sisters, but we just came to accept it was who he was. Until now…” Tovi sighs, standing up and shaking her head. She gives me an almost pitying look that has my rage swishing its tail viciously, and I don’t know if I can bear to hear the rest of what she has to say.
“He hasn’t told me about any other women after her. Certainly not some Erduborn woman he kissed on the cheek.” She scrunches her nose. “That’s definitely not his style. He doesn’t do affection, not after sex. Even the first time we slept together, there was no confusing anything he said or did with affection,” she finishes sardonically.
“I’m not sure that’s helping anything. How is telling me what a slut Ri?—”
“He never told me about you! In the cave. That is definitely something he would have told me.”
“Because nothing happened! Or he was embarrassed,” I say, exasperated.
A creaking noise sounds in the washroom, and Tovi and I both move to defensive positions. Someone is coming, the sounds of soft footsteps moving toward us.
A familiar face appears in the doorway.
“Bitty,” we both cry softly.
Tovi looks unsure, but Bitty runs at her. They slam into her with force, wrapping their arms around her, Tovi stepping back slightly from the momentum .
They’re murmuring things to each other, and I step into the washroom to give them some privacy. I wash my face, trying to cool it down as my cheeks continue to flame. I can hear the soft sounds of Tovi’s apologies and Bitty’s forgiveness. Despite all of my assurances, part of me worried none of them would forgive her. I hope Bitty’s forgiveness is a good sign for the other two.
I waltz back into the room to see Tovi’s arm resting around Bitty’s shoulder, and they have a matching gleam in their eyes. I give Tovi a knowing “I told you so” look, and she rolls her eyes dramatically. Bitty runs at me next for a hug. They slam into me, enveloping me in their gangly-limbed embrace. I reciprocate, holding on tight. I missed them, more than I care to admit.
No doubt Bitty heard some of what Tovi and I were arguing about, but in true Bitty fashion, they don’t speak a word of it. Giving them my cup, I pour some tea, and we settle down in the comfortable sofa seats.
“How did you find us?” I ask, and then wish I had phrased it differently. The answer to that question could easily be: “I could hear you telling Tovi all of the awful things you said to Riley.”
But Bitty is as diplomatic as usual. “Easily, once I was able to figure out how to move quietly enough. Once I felt I had gone as far east from Eryn’s rooms as I could, I tried to find the quietest rooms. I waited half a day to make sure that no one was there. When I finally jumped down, the room was covered in dust and spider webs. Took everything in me not to sneeze.”
Tovi and I share a look. Whose chambers would be like that? It dawns on me. “Queen Jasi.”
“That’s my assumption, based on all the dresses and jewelry. It looks like a tomb. No one has been in there for a very long time. I was concerned at first, leaving footprints in the dust, but duh, no one is going to see them.” Bitty frowns. “The doors were locked, from the inside. ”
“The king and queen didn’t share chambers?” Tovi asks.
“Rumor has it the king has terrible nightmares, so he locks himself in his chambers each night.” I’m frowning as I explain, another reason forming in my head. “But maybe it’s because he can’t hold his shift when sleeping?”
Both Tovi and Bitty raise their eyebrows.
“Are the queen’s rooms connected to the king’s?” I ask.
“There was another door that would connect to a room I didn’t go into, though I couldn’t hear anyone on the other side. There’s also a small courtyard that comes out near the gardens and overlooks the ocean. Unguarded. I’d planned to investigate further another time. The door out of the queens’ rooms took me to a large hallway.”
Bitty excitedly interrupts their own train of thought. “I got to use my lockpicks! I had to use them to relock the queen’s doors behind me. I waited an hour until it was clear to be able to do so,” they say, beaming.
“Anyway, I found a large staircase and I narrowly missed someone in the hallway at the top. I hid in a small library. There were people in there, but they hadn’t seen me come in. Once the hall was clear again, I checked rooms until I found guest chambers that had a washroom with a hatch.” Bitty scratches their head, looking from me to Tovi with hesitation.
Tovi looses a sharp breath. “Spit it out, Bitty.”
“I found the doxies yesterday. I heard six distinct voices. All women, but none of them were Lyss.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Tovi says angrily to the ceiling, gripping her teacup with white knuckles.
“I didn’t mean to—I was looking for you two. But when I found them, I didn’t want to waste the opportunity. I listened for hours. They gave no indication that there was ever any more than the six of them. Obviously, I didn’t risk trying to speak to them.
“I spent the entire day today scouring the doxy wing to see if maybe there was another room. Nothing. Only the six women. And you two.” Bitty’s defeated voice is in stark contrast to their earlier excitement when they found us.
I’m lucky that Bitty has my teacup because I would have thrown it against the wall. I still might. The destruction of something the king owns might appease the rage building in my head.
“I’ve told the others I found the six doxies, but not that I haven’t found any more of them, or you. I think it might send Riley over the edge. He’s been a mess.”
Rage takes a nosedive into my stomach, and I have to stand and pace, exert some unspent energy before I explode. My fists clench and unclench, breathing unsteady.
“Now what?” Tovi’s sharp voice cuts through my angry fog.
I make an exasperated noise, flapping my arms up and slamming them down against my sides. Now what ? What the fuck do we do now? We had pinned everything on Amarilyss being with the doxies.
“They have to be somewhere else,” I say to myself more than the others. I glance over at Tovi, who’s giving me a look like I’m stating the obvious. I rub my face and take a deep breath. “All of them, I mean. Not just her. King Stol has purchased far more than six Nulls. Plus, there’s the male Nulls. I don’t remember ever seeing the king notifying Records of a Patron death, so there should be a lot of them. ”
“How would they be checking in each rev at the Registry in Osraed?” Bitty asks with a frown, voicing a question I hadn’t even considered until now.
Tovi huffs. “Maybe he is impersonating them too?”
“That’s a lot of effort. Surely the king disappearing for weeks at a time, multiple times a rev, would raise suspicion,” I add, trying to figure it out.
Bitty makes a humming noise that gets mine and Tovi’s attention. “He could just have someone at the Registry checking them off. Who would really know they weren’t real check-ins?”
Tovi and I stare at Bitty, slowly shaking our heads. I growl and Tovi mutters her hate for the king. Bitty’s probably right.
I’m back to pacing. Tovi is bouncing a knee, with a scowl on her face and unfocused eyes. Bitty is reclining in the chair, picking at the hem of their shirt sleeve. They’re wearing a uniform like I had been.
We have to be missing something. I’m going through every piece of information they’ve told me, adding it to everything I’ve learned myself.
“The explosion,” I burst out. “Where was the explosion that started this whole thing?”
Bitty and Tovi look at me and then each other in frowned contemplation.
“Was it explicitly said that it was in the doxy wing, or only that his doxies were injured?” I add when neither of them speaks.
“Just that the assailant snuck into the castle and his doxies were hurt. We never sought to ask where the explosion had been,” Tovi says, standing to pace with me.
Chewing my nail, I say, “So, if we find where the explosion happened…”
“Find the explosion, find the missing doxies, find Lyss.” Tovi is muttering to herself, or me, I’m not sure.
If they’re still alive. I push away the horrible thought .
“Time to go. Someone’s coming, and I need to break the news to the others. I’ll check with Eryn about the explosion first though, he might know,” Bitty says, jumping up and jogging to the washroom.
We opt to sit, waiting for whoever is coming, listening to the sounds of Bitty climbing, and exiting through the hatch.
If Bitty heard someone coming, they never made it to us. Tovi and I eventually go to bed without a further word.
Tovi and I spend the day going through training exercises, not speaking. The frown hasn’t left her face the whole time. Nothing will make this hopelessness any better. The chance we have of discovering where the explosion happened is too small to offer any real hope.
When dinner arrives, the servant advises that Prince Eryn would like Tovi’s company this evening and they’ll collect her after dinner. When she leaves, Tovi and I discuss the possibility that Eryn does know where the explosion was. We grin at each other as we dig into the meal, spirits lifted.
Medium-rare venison, mashed potato, a salad of celery, and a tart red pepper gravy swimming with tiny mushrooms I don’t recognize—all piping hot and delicious, as always.
When Tovi puts on her cloak, she curses, pulling a small package out of her pocket. “I was supposed to give this to you last night, but I was so angry, and then we got interrupted. And then I forgot. It’s no excuse, though. I’m sorry. I should have given it to you right away.”
It’s small and wrapped in a square of beautiful fabric, dyed to look like frasteria tree blooms. I look up at Tovi, questioning.
“Eryn gave it to me to give to you. It’s from Riley. Eryn didn’t know what it was, but he said Riley told him to tell you he wasn’t sorry. I don’t know if the message has gotten slightly skewed.” She shrugs, knocking on the door for the guards to escort her to Eryn’s rooms, leaving me entirely alone with a package from Riley.