Chapter 8
I’m gonna drop dead, I swear.
I can’t think.
I can’t breathe.
My mind is a swirl of colors already making me nauseous.
But the taste of that kiss, the heat of Cass’s chest against mine, the firm hold of his hands on my ass are now permanent elements of my world, and whatever I do next, they’ll stay with me forever.
I can’t bring myself to face people, so instead of going back into the frat house, I stomp toward a patch of trees on the other side of the labyrinth, and despite the artificial foam costume making me overheat and the platform shoes hurting my feet, I run toward the copse as if my mom had just walked in on me having sex.
How can a person be both so elated and so terrified at the same time?
I can’t even drive home because I came here with Aaron. I didn’t want Cass to spot my car and now I’m paying for it.
“Think, think, think,” I whisper as I walk aimlessly between the trees.
At least here, the darkness can keep me hidden.
The rhythm of whatever music they’re playing at the party now follows me, but as I step on a little branch, making noise, I hear a gasp ahead.
My gaze darts toward its source, and I freeze at the sight of a man stretched against a tree trunk.
Another figure kneels in front of him, and looks back, seeking me in the dark.
The beard makes it clear that it’s another male.
I feel like gay men are following me everywhere since I transferred here, or is it just that I’m paying more attention?
I’m about to mumble an apology when the standing man leans forward while burying his hand in his partner’s hair, and his face gets spotlighted by the moon’s glow coming through the branches above.
My feet freeze to the ground as I recognize him.
“Dude, do you mind?” Logan asks, as if I were a terrible person for intruding on him in a public place.
He can’t see who I am, but I still back out in panic.
Only now I realize the man kneeling is the other Spartan. Guess it wasn’t annoyance Logan was eying him with back at the house. I still find it impossible to comprehend what is going on tonight.
Logan is cheating on Cassian? But… Cassian is cheating too?
How is this real? Did I step into an alternate universe or a soap opera?
I need to find Aaron so he can pinch me or I’ll be rocking in some corner in a minute.
A part of me fears what could happen if I bumped into Cassian now, so I need to be quick. Too bad I haven’t established any spot where Aaron and I could meet. I left my phone in his car along with my clothes, since the troll costume has no pockets, so the only thing I can do is seek him out.
Inside the building, the party is in full swing, as if nothing life-altering happened. People drink, chat, dance, and it’s so loud I can barely hear anything beyond the singer’s voice, but I am a changed man, and the girls in sexy costumes, who would have previously caught my eye are invisible now.
It's madness, but I choose not to engage with my identity crisis until I can find the giant bunch of balloon grapes.
At least Aaron’s costume should make him easy enough to find. I go through several rooms filled with college students, but then loud laughter and cheering draws me to the kitchen, and there he is.
Wallflowering with a red cup, in the farthest spot from the action at the counter, Aaron is a spectator of the mating ritual rather than a participant.
Guys and girls are egging each other on to drink more colorful shots, and he watches as if this were a human zoo.
A few of the balloons making up his costume have popped and now hang from him like burst condoms.
He looks no less filled with wrath than before.
I’m so upset I don’t know if I can control my voice, but he sees me before I decide to speak and dashes toward me as if I were his savior.
“Oh, my god! Did you do it?”
I only manage to nod and let out an embarrassing whimper.
One of his painted eyebrows twitches up, moved by his actual eyebrow. “Was it… bad?”
“N-no.”
“Did he recognize you?” he tries to guess again.
“N-no,” I utter.
Aaron squints at me. “Are you having a nervous breakdown or a sexuality revelation?”
I grab my helmet, finding it hard to breathe. “Both?”
Aaron grabs my wrist, and as a crowd of girls cheers on a guy in a lousy Superman costume, we leave through the kitchen door and push past a small group of smokers using the lawn.
“Deep breaths,” Aaron advises and his grip gets firmer as I stumble on the uneven ground, not used to the thick soles of my rented shoes.
I wish I could talk about this to Cass, but I made everything way too complicates, and now I’m stuck in a hell of my own making.
I do follow Aaron’s advice though, and it makes me feel a bit better.
When we get to his car, I’m finally able to speak.
“He kissed me back, and then I walked in on Logan cheating, and I liked it. The kiss, not seeing Logan getting a BJ. But then Cass wanted more, so… he’s cheating too? And I’m gay. I think I’m gay.”
Another balloon pops when Aaron slides into the driver’s seat, and he mumbles something that sounds like a curse, but once the doors close, his attention is on me.
“You’re gay? Did it feel better than kissing girls?
” he asks and pulls out a weird-looking card out of his wallet.
It has a sharp edge on one side, and he uses it to deflate another balloon.
I struggle to pull my seatbelt over the armor and now wish to change into my clothes more than ever, but it has to wait. I do pull off my mask and helmet though, and it’s a relief to feel cool air on my sweaty skin.
“So much better. It was everything.”
“I knew it,” Aaron says and pops another balloon. With all of them hanging limply, his front reminds me of a dog feeding her puppies, but it’s just a passing thought. What really matters is that Aaron thought I was gay all along.
“Say what? How the fuck would you know that if I didn’t? I’m still very, very unsure of everything myself. Like, am I just gay for Cass? What do I even want from him? Would he want me, Matt? Or is he just into trolls?”
Aaron rolls his eyes and hides the card in his wallet, seemingly satisfied with the current state of his costume.
“Oh, please. Straight people don’t ask themselves if they’re gay.
Straight people don’t devise elaborate plans to kiss their same-sex friend.
Also, have you already taken an internet quiz to find out if you’re gay? ”
I only grunt at the last question as I process the rest.
Aaron smirks as we drive out of the parking lot. “That’s what I thought.”
I deflate, unsure what to think. “I had no idea. It’s like my own brain was lying to me.”
Aaron shrugs, leaning forward, since there are more balloons on his back. “It depends on the person. No reason to beat yourself up. Now that you know, you can actually do something about it.”
A part of me worries what Mom might say about this sudden change in me, but her potential disapproval is overshadowed by a growing pressure in my chest. “I could have gotten together with Cass back in high school. We’d have gone to college together, and he’d have never started dating that cheating bastard Logan! ”
Aaron turns into a street not far from the party, and I realize he’s taking me to his dorm. There are people in costumes wandering about, but I’m not in a cheerful mood.
“You don’t know if that’s what would have happened. Maybe you needed the life experience to be where you are now. Maybe you need to play the field—”
I frown. “Are you hitting on me?”
“What? Not everyone wants to bang you, Matt. I already told you, you’re not my type.”
“Something wrong with me?”
“Shut up and focus!”
He parks abruptly enough for me to have to grab the handle above the window.
When I’m too choked up to speak, he turns to face me.
“The point is that you now know you’ve got a shot with the guy you like.
If you saw Logan with another guy and then Cass kissed you back, then maybe they’re not doing well as a couple.
Maybe it’s the right time to tell him what you just discovered about yourself? ”
“I can’t tell him I backed him into a corner and kiss—”
Aaron blinks, looking past me, and when something knocks on my window, I turn to see a group of drunk students. One of the guys lowers his pants to show off his ass, and one of his friends almost falls over from laughter.
Can I not have a serious fucking conversation here?
Aaron sighs. “Come with me.”
I grab my clothes so I can change in his room, but we don’t speak when he leads me to his dorm. I now feel inadequate in the foam muscles and armor. Like I should be having fun, but I’m not.
The room is small, meant for a single person, but while most students use decor to transform the standardized spaces into a home, Aaron’s is on another level.
There’s a flurry of cushions in dark colors at the headboard, and the bed itself is covered with a thick, plush blanket the shade of red wine.
Stacks of books occupy every flat surface and the walls are a gallery of framed pictures in various sizes.
A Persian rug rests on top of the standard gray carpeting, and a gramophone stands on a Grecian column in the corner, alongside a collection of vinyls.
I attempt to touch the device, but Aaron slaps my hand away.
“What if I tell him Logan is cheating, and he resents me for it?” I finally say, dropping to his bed. “Wow. This is a really soft blanket.”
“My cat loved it,” Aaron says and slides off his top before dropping it to the floor. I watch him open the closet and put on a black turtleneck. “The blanket, obviously. But yes, I’m not sure how Cass would react to the bad news coming from you.”
I’m glad that he confirms my worries so I don’t feel like I’m going crazy, but it doesn’t make my position any less precarious.