Chapter 7
My heart is pumping wildly, but when I set my mind to something, I follow through.
So there I am, in a troll-slash-barbarian costume that obscures my figure with fake muscles and massive pauldrons adorned with plastic spikes.
I have a rubber helmet on, and a tight fitting mask underneath that covers most of my face but not my mouth.
With the armor only reaching my midriff, I dare say, I’m quite a sexy troll.
A very nervous troll too, because after days of ruminating on it, I am now about to go through with my plan at a large Halloween party.
It’s at one of the frat houses, and lots of people are already milling about in costume.
Green light illuminates the facade of the building, giving everything an eerie glow, and that adds to the warped reality I’m about to step into.
There’s no way around it. I need to test if I want to kiss Cassian, or if I just hate Logan’s guts.
“I didn’t recognize you!” Aaron’s voice takes me out of my thoughts, but when I glance his way, my mind comes to a halt because he has purple balloons attached to his torso and big frowning brows drawn on his forehead.
He looks like a very annoyed blackberry.
“I don’t get it. What are you?”
Aaron clears his throat, then lets out a screech, folding in two so abruptly, one of the balloons bursts. Several people stare our way, alarmed, but I just stand there, still unsure what I’m supposed to see.
He huffs in frustration. “I’m Grapes of Wrath!”
I vaguely recall the title and nod with a smile. “Ooh, I get it. Grapes. And wrath.” I need Aaron on my side tonight if my plan is to work.
“Yes,” he says dryly.
“I even have these platform boots under the leather,” I lift the fake fur covering the lower part of my legs. “So I’m not Matt’s height.”
“Okay, we’re talking about Matt in third person. Sure. Why not? Have I mentioned this is a terrible idea?”
“Many times, but it’s actually a great idea, so chill. It’s gonna work out,” I hear myself say even though on the inside, I’m less convinced with every step I take toward the crowded frat house booming with loud music.
What’s the worst that can happen? If Cass ends up recognizing me, I can always lie that the girl I was meant to be with tonight stood me up.
“He can’t recognize you though.” Aaron shakes his head, and all the balloon grapes tremble as he moves. “Test your troll voice on me.”
I take a deep breath. “Toll!” I exclaim in a low raspy tone that’s nothing like mine.
Aaron places a finger on his chin and nods in approval. “Not bad.”
I puff my chest out despite not feeling confident about this at all. Am I really about to steal a kiss from my best friend? Am I a dumbass, or a genius? The jury is still out on this one.
When we enter the house, the party is in full swing. I smell beer someone must have spilled on the wall that sports a large damp spot, but I didn’t come here for fun. This is a serious undertaking, and I’m intent on treating it as such, no matter how nauseated it makes me.
“You’re sure this is the place Logan told you they’d be at?” I shout into Aaron’s ear so he can hear me over the music.
“Definitely. It’s not a LGBT party, but it’s gay-friendly,” he says, dead serious. The angry eyebrows only make him appear more determined.
A girl in a generic cat girl costume pats Aaron on the shoulder. “Oh, my God! Are you wine?”
I see emptiness and pain in Aaron’s eyes, so I step in.
“No, he’s Grapes of Wrath. You know, like the book.”
She nods, but we can both see she has no idea what I’m talking about. She smiles, gives Aaron a thumbs up and flees.
“I’m surrounded by idiots,” Aaron mumbles, but I’m not offended.
Poor guy has just realized his clever costume doesn’t work and needs to let off some steam. I’ve been there when I dressed up as a sausage, and Cass as the hot dog bun. We thought it was funny. Everyone else at school thought I was a dildo, and I ended up getting called into the principal’s office.
Trying to blend in, we each get something to drink and drift through the rooms, searching for the familiar green costume.
This Halloween, Cass is Robin Hood, and if I wasn’t trying to fool him into believing I’m someone else, I’d be proud to play his Little John. But it is what it is, so I focus on the task at hand while pretending I’m here to have fun, not undermine my best friend’s relationship.
“You see them anywhere?” I have to lean down a lot for Aaron to hear me, but he’s busy staring at some tattooed, bare-chested… sexy zombie guy surrounded by several women in skimpy outfits. I snap my fingers in front of his face. “Focus, Aaron, focus.”
He looks back at me and I don’t know if he’s scowling or if it’s just the makeup that makes him appear angry. “I’m always focused. There they are. See?” He points to Cass and Logan walking out of the kitchen.
Why am I not surprised that Logan is dressed up as a Spartan warrior? Only the most generic costume for a guy who has abs for days.
Cass’s legs look amazing in the tight green leggings, but the belted tunic covers his upper half, preventing the costume from being too revealing.
Not that there’s anything bad about being hot, but there’s a line between that and the kind of look-at-me outfit Logan’s wearing.
He has a bow, too, and the elongated hat with a feather, and while he decided to complete the costume with a fake mustache, he’s still very much recognizable as his smiling self.
For the briefest moment, I wonder whether he’s missing my company at all, but then Aaron pulls on my sleeve and leans in, barely containing a laugh. “Look over there. Logan has a twin!”
I snort laugh. Another half-naked warrior eyes Logan from afar with raised eyebrows. What are they gonna do? Wrestle for supremacy over Sparta? Highly doubtful.
But back to my Robin Hood. Not mine. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
I don’t even know if this is what I want.
I’ve had a few days to adjust to the concept of kissing Cass, but it’s still all very alien to me.
He has no idea what’s going on with me, so things have been as usual at home, but since the idea of touching him has been planted in my head, I’ve spent a lot of time looking at him.
We live together, so I often see him in just a towel, or push past him in the kitchen.
He is so well-built. From the firm thighs to the pronounced back muscles, he is male perfection.
When his hair was wet the other day, and he stood with his back to me, I barely stopped myself from leaning in to lick a drop of water off his nape.
But that was just a thought. A thought is nothing without action. I once wondered what it would be like to swallow a worm I found in the dirt and didn’t like the effect of putting that thought into action.
Though maybe I shouldn’t compare Cassian, or any part of him, to a dirty worm.
“Oh, they must hate having identical costumes. I think that’s the exact same product too. Which is why I chose this, you know?” Aaron says with a satisfied grin and rubs the balloons sitting on his chest.
“Okay, Aaron. Now’s your big moment,” I say after inhaling deeply a final time. Go distract Logan—”
I stop in my tracks, because Logan’s talking to Cass about something, and after Cass rolls his eyes, Logan goes off toward the other Spartan. I have no idea what’s going on, but all that matters is that Cass is now on his own.
It feels weird to stalk him, but I have good intentions, and that’s what counts, right?
“Change of plans,” I tell Aaron. “Just make sure Logan stays here.”
And with that, I follow Cass out of the room, already feeling the weight of what I was about to do. What if Cass recognizes me once I conduct my experiment? What if he shoves me away and tears off my mask?
It could be the end of our long friendship, the end of the best thing in my life.
But I can’t back down, so I trail his tall silhouette in green past the dancefloor in the main room, past an area full of people chatting in small groups, all the way into the night outside.
We’re on the other side of the frat house, and I’m certain he’s seeking a bit of peace and quiet, but there’s music here too.
Not the pop booming inside the building though.
Here, the air trembles with low, spooky tones.
Ahead is the main attraction of the party—a labyrinth built of fabric-clad metal fencing.
I saw it get a lot of traffic earlier, due to it being used as a fundraiser, but now only a few stragglers linger in front of it, waiting for their turn to enter.
And Cass is headed straight for the entrance. All on his own. I couldn’t have dreamed up a more perfect setup. I take the plastic mace with rubber spikes off my back and follow him into the darkness.
The walls of the labyrinth are illuminated by small lanterns, but all I focus on is the Robin Hood not far ahead of me. I am a troll now, not Matt, and if I manage to separate myself from what I’m about to do, I’ll get the most objective outcome.
The idea of me being gay is still kinda incomprehensible, but yeah, I did watch some gay porn the other day. I felt extremely weird about it, and decided to not jerk off to it, in case I could condition myself to like it.
But I did get hard rather fast when I allowed myself to look instead of frantically clicking away from the website like I normally would.
The instrumental, unsettling music becomes dominant now that we’re farther from the party house, but while I hear other people’s voices, all I see is the tall silhouette ahead, barely a shadow in this alternative reality.
The labyrinth is the perfect place to let myself do something I’d never do in my real life.
My Robin looks back, and while I can’t see his expression in the low light, he misses a step, as if he were startled by my presence. Something about it makes his heart skip a beat and my stomach tightens.
I speed up.
The platform boots make it hard to not fall behind, but I take turn after turn to avoid losing him.
I’m sweaty under the foam muscles and the face mask, but none of it matters.
I have to at least try to go through with my plan.
I can’t force Cass into anything, obviously, but if he goes for it, it won’t be my fault.
The lights make me dizzy, the spooky music pumps adrenaline into my veins, but I never stop moving, as if there’s someone chasing me.
Even though I’m the one hunting the green-eyed Robin Hood.
I take the next turn to find the long alley ahead empty, and my heart almost stops.
Think, I tell myself, peeking into a short side alley that leads nowhere. I stomp toward the next, following it all the way to where it ends.
He’s there, waiting at the end of the blind alley. His bow is out, loaded with an arrow aimed straight at me.
“Who are you?” he asks, standing tall and proud.
I step closer. “I troll!”
My voice doesn’t tremble even though my heart does. It’s weird to be taller than him, but the platform shoes give me that edge and I take another step closer.
His hands twitch, and for a moment I worry that he might be frightened, but Cass is the kind of guy who sleeps alone in the woods and isn’t afraid of anything, so he’s likely playing a role, like me.
“What do you want, troll?” he asks as I approach, for once watching him from above.
“Toll!” I grunt with my shoulders squared and walk into his rubber arrow, making it bend against my chest armor.
He’s so close now I can smell the mint and rosemary on him, and while his face remains shadowed I can still see the contour of his nose and brow line. Is it just me or has his breath quickened?
“What is the toll?”
I can’t believe I’m actually going through with this.
I lean down to his face and sniff him, reminding myself this is the troll in action, not me. I have no reason to want to lick his face.
“Kiss,” I murmur in my troll voice.
He laughs in surprise, and his sweet breath caresses the uncovered skin of my chin. “Oh no, I’m afraid you’ll have to take it from me.”
What?
I watch him for a prolonged moment, but this isn’t a rejection. His smile is a little cocky and he raises his brows. I’ve kissed several women in my life, but even the proximity of his lips feels more exciting than any of those kisses.
I close the gap between us and drop the mace to grab his sides. His soft lips invite me, and I’m gone, done for. My bones are jelly, my heart melts, and no matter how wrong this is, I know it’s right.
I am gay.
So, so very gay for Cass I no longer know where the ground is as his tongue rolls against mine, triggering a jolt of pleasure at the base of my spine.
His hands are big, and when they stroke up and down my sides, an electric sensation overcomes my skin.
His touch has never felt like this, but maybe because I didn’t allow myself to see it as anything but friendly.
There’s nothing friendly about the way he grabs my ass to bring our hips closer, and I swear that if he somehow drops Logan for me, the eerie melody playing in the background will be our song.
I might be the big troll, but he’s in charge, and I whimper into the kiss I never want to end. I squeeze my hand on his top and lose myself in the kiss that is changing my life in real time.
Sure, Emily grabbed my butt sometimes, but never like this. Or it’s just that I never felt this way about her touch. But time for guilt, shame, and ruminations about my past will come later, because my future is holding me right now.
I’m so overwhelmed by the emotion blooming in me that only Cassian’s skilled tongue can keep me focused on reality.
But there’s also another obvious fact between us.
I’m hard. So hard. I’m like granite, and if he touches me now, I’ll crumble on the spot. This was supposed to be an experiment, but all I want to do is kiss, kiss, kiss, and grind on him like I’m some beast in heat.
Laughter tears me out of the surreal moment where everything I believed about myself crashed down, but as I pull away, Cass wraps his arm around me and rises to his toes, whispering, “Do you have a place?”
Yeah. Our place. Where I’ll gladly dry hump him into the mattress.
My head is filled with loose marbles, rolling around aimlessly.
Doesn’t he have a boyfriend? My Cass isn’t a cheater.
Or is he? Do I not know him as well as I think? After all, he hid his sexuality from me…
“I…”
A flashlight points its beam straight at us, blinding me for half a second, and someone whistles.
“No fucking in here!” the person yells.
Another guy sniggers. “I told you this would happen.”
I don’t know what to do, but my nerves are in tatters, so I do what comes naturally.
I panic.
Before I even know it, I’m running toward the light, pushing the guys away, and then go straight for the wall. I don’t try to look for the exit. I climb over the fence and land outside the labyrinth with a thud.
No point in stopping there.
I keep moving forward without purpose, because I kissed my best friend.
And loved it.
And I’m gay.
Kissing women was pleasant , but only only a shadow of what I felt when Cass’s tongue rolled over my lip.
I’m fucked. Totally fucked.