Chapter 6
I die of shame at Rainbowology, but at least Quinta treated me to free whipped cream on my hot chocolate, and a Jack-O-Lantern-shaped wafer to go with it.
It tastes so smooth and delicious I almost forget being caught in such a weird position with Cass.
I can only hope Logan isn’t jealous of him, because that would be weird, with me being straight and all.
I watch people come and go because Aaron is already fashionably late, but then a cute brunette walks up to my table with a big smile.
“Hey, are you using that sugar?” she asks, pulling me out of my miserable thoughts.
I glance at the bowl filled with white lumps of sweetness. “Oh, go ahead, have as many as you like.”
She winks at me. “Are you saying you’re already sweet enough?”
For a moment I stall, dumbstruck. But then again, while the cafe is an LGBT hub, lots of people come here just to grab a drink or lunch. My autopilot flirting is flashing a red light, though. I’m out of juice even though the girl is pretty and took the effort to come hit on me.
“Sorry, all out of sweetness today.”
Her mouth forms a little O, and she places her hand on my shoulder. “Oh no, what happened? Maybe I can sweeten it for you?”
“No, sorry, just me and this hot chocolate for now, but I’m meeting a friend later.” Am I really rejecting this girl for no reason other than feeling whiny? I guess I am.
She’s attractive, with kissable lips and a nice figure, but I’m in no mood for flirting. All I want is to chat to someone who won’t try to get in my pants using my current circumstances. And Aaron was very eager to assure me I’m not his type.
The girl’s lips shut, but then her eyes dart to the rainbow flag stretched in a frame of rough wood, and she sighs. “It’s always the hottest ones.”
I don’t bother to correct her, because it doesn’t matter what she thinks of me.
Just as she’s walking away, Aaron enters, and his serious expression brightens at the sight of me. Which is nice. At least someone’s happy to see me.
“I spent the whole day researching Victorian pottery for my book,” Aaron says, placing his coat on the back of the other chair before settling with a sigh.
His dark hair looks like a tangle of raw wool when he pulls off his beanie, but within a few well-practiced moves, he’s back to being Timothée Chalamet’s double. “How about you?”
“Oh, I was just decorating my house for Halloween, then fucking up my friendship,” I groan, and my sad puppy eyes beg for him to cheer me up.
Aaron’s face falls, and he places both his elbows on the edge of the table, old pottery and literary fiction forgotten. “Shit, that sounds like a rough day.”
“I can’t even pinpoint why I hate Logan so much but I do. I need dirt on the man, Aaron. I know it exists. It has to.”
Pale green eyes flutter shut as he leans back. “Why? Why are you so damn obsessed? Yeah, he is a bit arrogant, a bit of an asshole, but also handsome enough for most people to ignore his flaws.”
Kai chooses this moment to roll by on his skates, but he’s too busy to chat and rides off after taking Aaron’s order.
“I don’t know. I just feel it down to my bones that there’s something wrong with him.
Every time I see him with Cass, I get this cold, nauseated feeling, and I just wanna punch something.
” I have to drink more hot chocolate because my blood pressure is rising at the thought of them fucking to make up.
I hope Logan finds a spider on the sofa while they’re doing it.
Because yes, I left one. I’m a bad person.
But only one, for plausible deniability.
Aaron goes all quiet, just watching me with those weirdly piercing eyes. “Maybe you need to follow their lead, you know? Go on a date or two?” He eventually suggests, but there’s no conviction in his voice.
I huff and cross my arms on my chest. “I’m burned out on chicks.
I don’t know if it’s my ex or what, but I don’t want to date right now.
All I want to do is to hang out with Cass, go on adventures and eat nice food without having to consider Logan.
Is that really so much to ask? When we were kids, we planned that we’ll see all the national parks together, that we’ll never stop going on adventures, and now this guy is in the way of all that. ”
“Uh-huh,” Aaron mumbles, resting his sharp chin on the palm of his hand. “You know what, my therapist would have said you’re jealous.”
I swallow that bitter pill. “I guess I am jealous of his time. But can you blame me? We all only have twenty-four hours in a day. If he’s hanging out with Logan, then we’re not having that movie night or going hiking.”
“Yeah, but you also have other friends. Maybe even other than me,” Aaron said with a smirk.
Sure, there’s the friends I made at the pool, people I have classes with, the old lady whose dog I walk sometimes, and the girl I met at the grocery shop.
“But it’s different with him…” I stare into my cup.
It’s as empty as my heart feels.
No one could ever replace Cass for me. Even when I was head over heels in love with Emily, he still played first fiddle. I’m disappointed that he doesn’t seem to feel the same way.
He’s probably so busy with Logan he doesn’t even remember our argument anymore.
“Look, Matt, it might be a long shot, but hear me out with an open mind, okay?” Aaron finally asks, capturing my gaze. “What if you’re not just jealous of his time? What if you’re jealous of… you know… him,” he muses, with sadness twisting his lips.
That now familiar nervous feeling twists in my stomach. I’m finally hearing what Aaron is saying. And I’m not dismissing it right away.
This is bad.
Very bad.
I swallow, unable to speak as I process this concept, rolling it back and forth in my head.
I do like how Cass smells. I love his jokes. He’s super handsome.
But it doesn’t mean I’m gay, does it?
I don’t want to touch him.
…Or do I want to touch him?
We’re bros, dudes, best friends.
I sit there in silence, thinking back to how I picked him up to the counter today, how I stood between his legs, and how, possibly-maybe, I felt something when touching his thighs.
I flinch when Kai passes by, leaving an espresso and a pastry.
“You’re thinking about it,” Aaron says so softly I barely hear him over the music.
My insides are tangled like a pretzel. “What if I don’t hate Logan, but hate him touching Cass?” I whisper, feeling so cold I wish I had more hot chocolate.
Aaron shrugs. “Not everyone has things figured out right away. And people are complicated. My aunt was married for ten years before she realized she’s actually a lesbian, and then there are bisexual people, who don’t always like men and women in equal amounts.
It can totally be a ratio of nine to one. ”
Now that Aaron planted this idea in my head, my imagination begins to conjure fantasies at an alarming pace. Cass wrestling with me, and then he’s on top, and then—oops, we’re naked, and I’m getting hot under the collar because I don’t hate it.
All those times when I watched movies with my head in his lap felt so natural. I never questioned him stroking my hair, or myself enjoying his hugs.
“B-but I’ve been with a few girls, and I could… you know, finish.” Now that I say it, it sounds so underwhelming. I always figured my sex drive just wasn’t very high. And with Emily, we had sex, like, once a week. Or every two weeks or something.
I never particularly pushed the issue and often preferred to take care of business myself. But does that actually mean something? I have no idea, and I hate it.
“Yeah, well, most gay guys can. It’s nice to have sex, plus there’s always fantasies. Maybe… maybe you could see for yourself?”
I frown. “See what? Are you saying I should watch gay porn?” I balk at his suggestion despite knowing that’s exactly what I’ll do as soon as I’m alone.
Aaron meets my gaze as he takes a sip of espresso. “No, I’m saying you should go on a date with a guy. No one has to know.”
My joints freeze and my frown deepens. I don’t want other guys. But I’m also unsure if I want Cass that way. I’m confused enough when I try to analyze my relationship with Emily.
I force myself to get up. “No. I have a better idea.”
Aaron spreads his arms, wordlessly saying that he just got here. But some things can’t wait.
“What kind of idea?” he asks, unable to stop his curiosity.
But I’m in a world of my own. I wave at him and leave with my head on fire.
When I reach the costume shop down the street, my heart is pounding as if I just ran a marathon. I know exactly what to do and it’s either the best idea in my life, or the worst.